How to deal with unsolicited advice about your life

Last week, I was talking to a friend about her enrolling in an expensive 7-year Chinese language course. She’s a really smart woman with a passion for travel, adventure, and foreign cultures. When she told me she wanted to start this course, I was immediately certain that this was a great decision for her. But she didn’t seem happy about her decision to enroll, and although I knew this was really what she wanted, she told me she wasn’t sure what to do.

A bit further into the conversation, she told me she had been having quite a few discussions with her parents about the Chinese course. And they hadn’t been very encouraging. On the contrary, they had been all over her with old-fashioned, well-intentioned advice about the cost, the length and the difficulty of the project, and it had cluttered her judgment. As a result, she didn’t know what to do anymore, and had not only started doubting her decisions, but also her ability to actually achieve her dreams. Sound familiar?

Having been there many times myself, I knew exactly what was going on. She was the victim of unsolicited advice about her life. One of the deadliest attacks you can imagine, a surefire way to kill ideas, ideals, and dreams, and often performed by the most well-intentioned friends and family members… in many cases, the parents.

And oh dear, how ironic. There I was and here I am with a few tips to survive the free-throw of unsolicited advice. To my defense, she asked for my advice. But obviously, you didn’t. So please feel free to treat what follows with a dash of my own medicine below.

Unsolicited advice is nothing more than someone else’s opinion. So, treat it like that. The big difference here is that the opinion is about you and expressed by someone who you love or care about. That makes the opinion look like much more than it really is, and makes it much harder for you to move past it. Always try to remember: it’s nothing more than any other opinion out there. And if you’re able to pass on those, you’re able to pass on these ones, too. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because you’ll be all alone. If it was a stranger who didn’t know you, you would have no issue explaining that – on the contrary – you wouldn’t be alone at all, but rather surrounded by so many amazing and like-minded people. But since it’s your mom, things are different. When she tells you that you’ll be alone, you get scared. Because she was there every time you felt alone in the past, and because she taught you everything. So when she says you’ll be alone, there is a part of you that believes her. But she’s wrong. It’s only her opinion.

Unsolicited advice is anchored in beliefs. And, therefore, most of the time, well-intentioned unsolicited advice will not work for you at all. What I find most interesting about advice is that it’s a beautiful expression of someone’s entire belief system. Like when your mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because it’s too expensive. What your mom forgets to mention when she says that is that the yoga retreat is too expensive for her. And those two little words are crucial. The yoga retreat is not expensive on its own. Actually, without anything to compare it to, can it really be quantified at all? It’s only when a belief system is put next to it – with ideas about what something should cost, how much one has to work to gather a particular amount of money, and so on – that the yoga retreat can really be quantified as expensive or not. And inherently, that will always be personal and subjective, something for you to decide. Remember this when advice makes you doubt yourself, and measure things as being based on your beliefs, and nobody else’s.

Unsolicited advice is often fueled by fear. Although, it usually seems as if it’s fueled by love. Most people have fears, and are quite unaware of how those fears give direction to their thoughts and their actions on a daily basis. And this is certainly true of them giving you unsolicited advice. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat because it’s just a waste of your valuable time. This advice might be anchored in a belief that time is precious – which it most certainly is – yet that only certain activities are worthy of it. When people warn you with unsolicited advice like this, look for the fear that speaks behind the words. It will usually be uncalled for, and finding it will help you to realize the advice as a whole probably is, too.

Eventually, my friend signed up for her Chinese course, and she feels great about it. But she had to push through with a decision that was hers and hers alone to make. That’s what unsolicited advice can keep you from. Eventually, what she remembered, and what I hope you and I can remember, too, is that we only have one life… and despite all the unsolicited advice we might receive, nobody is going to live it for us. So we might as well do what we love and be who we want to be. And to do that, ignoring unsolicited advice is key.

How to be happy for others and why it matters

I was at a family wedding last weekend when my husband’s cousin and I started talking about the power of happiness. My husband’s cousin is a wonderful woman; beautiful, well-read, she has been places and seen things. Life hasn’t always been easy for her, yet when she’s around, even the darkest room brightens. She was talking about how happy she is with her baby boy, how her husband is a keeper, and how they’ve now found a house they love, have made an offer, and are praying for it to be accepted. All good things, for sure. But then the mood changed, as she recalled telling a good friend about her treasured house just a day earlier, and getting a nasty, jealous comment back.

The friend she was talking about is not very different from her. She’s not a refugee from Syria, she’s not on welfare, and she isn’t sick or even remotely in a bad physical or mental place. On the contrary, she has a good and steady job, lives a great life, and only differs slightly from my husband’s cousin: she just has a tiny bit less than her, is just a tiny bit heavier than her, and to her own standards, she’s just a tiny bit less attractive. But all of these little tiny bits together make that friend unhappy and envious.

I could see that my husband’s cousin had given this issue a lot of thought. And in the interesting and heart-centered conversation we had, she said something that really stuck with me.

If only my friend was happy for me, that would make her happy, too.

And I think that is so true.

We live in a competitive world. We live in a media-driven world. We live in a world that wants us to believe we are not enough the way we are, and that we are flawed and need extensive fixing. There isn’t a week that goes by without us being bombarded by countless messages telling us what a wonderful and perfect life lies a tiny little bit ahead of us, if only we can have, do, or take up the latest fashion fad. I believe that envy and jealousy are byproducts of those deceiving lies. And although they are not the goal of what the media and corporations want us to believe about ourselves, they are a welcome byproduct of that messaging. Envy and jealousy make us unhappy, and unhappiness is the breeding ground for our need for stuff, and always more stuff. Because we are meant to believe that we can cure unhappiness with things. And when we see others obtaining items that we think we need in order to be happy, our envy and jealousy are there to remind us of that lie.

But with awareness and practice, you can learn to see through this veil of misleading beliefs and become genuinely happy for others. And once you do that, a new level of happiness emerges for you, too. And guess what? It all starts with loving yourself first.

Looking back at my own life, I know I’ve had many moments where I was envious or jealous, comparing and wishing I could have the life, body, or boyfriend of someone else. For a big part of my life, I tried to achieve the unattainable and I was miserable. Those moments were amongst the worst of my life. When I think back on how I felt, what I remember is bad. In most cases, I was depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, or scared. And I definitely didn’t love myself. And it’s only when I changed from within – when I started to love myself, my body, my mind, my soul, and my life – that I was able to be happy for the fortune and blessings of others. And thanks to that shift, I became happier myself.

Because when I started doing that, showing more love and compassion for the person who I was, I noticed I wasn’t that envious or jealous of others anymore. And once I was happy for them, more amazing things started happening for me. And that’s no surprise.

It is my conviction that what we send out into the world, and the thoughts that we have over and over again, materialize into this world. No exceptions.

On a level of energy, thought can be positive or negative, and depending on what we send out via our thinking, that is what we attract back into our lives. Fundamentally, that’s all there is: either you send out and receive positive and uplifting energy, or you send out and gain negative and depressing energy.

When you are jealous, you are tapping into and sending out negative energy. And by definition, that is what you get back. But that’s not all. When you’re jealous or envious, you’re creating the negative energy within yourself – in your mind through negative thinking, and in your body by producing emotions to fit your thoughts. And by doing that, you push self-love away. When you think of it that way, what it means is that, when you’re having negative thoughts or feelings towards someone else, you’re really having them towards yourself. When you’re jealous of a friend, they might be out having a great time, while you’re sobbing, or frustrated, or sad even, that you are not them. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be out with them, so you could have a good time too?

But thankfully, the opposite is true, as well. And that is what my husband’s cousin meant when she said her friend could be happy too. Because if you are genuinely happy for the success, achievements, blessings, and lives of others, you are creating that positive energy within yourself, too, bringing more self-love into your life. And to live a happy and fulfilling life, that is what you must aim to do, always.

How to cope with criticism, even as a highly sensitive people-pleaser

A dear friend of mine recently received a very nasty email from one of her clients. In the email, the client blamed her for being the reason why everything in that client’s business was failing. An absurd accusation, considering my friend had done just the opposite by trying to warn her client about her lack of commitment towards her own business. And yet, my friend took it very personally. To her, it almost felt like the world was ending. That email made her feel like a bad person. In a very open and deep conversation we had about it, we explored why people-pleasers are so sensitive to criticism.

My friend is an amazing woman. She has two children, helps her husband out with his business, takes care of her household, works with clients, and helps entrepreneurs to be successful online. And she does all that without ever complaining. She’s always positive. Truly, she’s an admirable person, and I really love her. So why could one criticizing email, itself the result of my friend trying to help her client, make her feel so bad? How can someone who achieves and does so much, who is so inspiring and good, be so devastated by the opinion of one single individual? Well, simply… she’s a people-pleaser. Just like me.

As people-pleasers, when someone criticizes us, sends us bad vibes, is angry at us, or gives us any sort of negative attention, we feel horrible. We take things personally. Always. And after we’ve overcome the shock of the attack, we only have one idea in mind: how can we make things right? How can we get this person to like us again, bring the scales back into balance, and make the nastiness go away? Because, for people-pleasers, any form of negativity is scary. We think it means we won’t be loved... that we are not worthy, not good enough.

That fear is what makes us want to please everyone to begin with. And it’s a very difficult and tiring way to spend our days, pleasing everyone being an impossible task to undertake. We can never please everyone: it’s simply impossible. The energy we put into trying to please others, and the worry that comes from receiving nastiness (like the email my friend got), is what keeps us from living happy and fulfilled lives.

Being so highly sensitive to criticism is difficult, and gives us a lot of pain. It also makes us really bad at listening to positive feedback. Believe me, I know (and so does my husband, the poor fellow). But along my journey to self-love, I learned a few strategies that really help ease the sting of nastiness, put things into perspective, and allow me to move past any type of criticism and into positive action.

1. Never take anything personally.

I owe this one to Don Miguel Ruiz from “The Four Agreements”. This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given, and a mantra for a people-pleaser like me. People-pleasers always take things personally. That is the birthing ground of all the pain and suffering that ensues. So, being able to detach yourself from the situation and to look at things from a different perspective can be really liberating. It won’t always work, and it won’t make the sting go away completely, but it will ease your heart and calm you down.

2. Whatever someone says about you doesn’t define who you are.

By the age of 25, we have all lived close to ten thousand hours. Now, imagine how many experiences that amounts to. Or how many words were spoken during that time. Whatever your path, these are likely to be big numbers. Remember these numbers when the words of one single individual make you question yourself. You’ll know in your heart that what you’re feeling just isn’t real.

3. Never worry alone.

I’ve gotten this little gem from Dr. Hallowell. And for me, it’s a magic worker. One of the biggest issues that I have as a people-pleaser is the ‘worry chatter’ inside my head. When I encounter a negative experience, the chatter begins. And as time goes by, the louder it gets. The only way to silence it is to talk about it with someone else – a real person, that is, not the little mean girl in my head! So now, when something bothers me, I’ve made it a habit to stop whatever I’m doing and pick up the phone to call a friend. This simple act of expressing how I feel and telling my story shuts that little mean thing right up. Every time.

4. Cover yourself with a blanket of self-love.

I owe a lot to Julie Parker, life coach extraordinaire and founder of the Beautiful You Life Coaching Academy. More than she will ever know. But if I had to single out one thing, I would say that she’s the person who gave me permission to love myself. It transformed me and made me into the woman I am today. Now it’s my turn to pass those wise words down to you. Whenever you feel hurt, sad, all alone, attacked, misunderstood, or any other negative emotion, cover yourself with a blanket of self-love. Just be good to you, nurture yourself, and be compassionate for the vulnerable and real person who you are.

5. Be open to different perspectives. There is always a lesson.

As a final note, it’s important to stress that not all criticism is bad or meant to hurt. On the contrary, most of the time, criticism is nothing more than good-intentioned, pragmatic feedback, meant to help you move forward. And that’s often difficult to grasp for people-pleasers. I invite you to try and be open to the perspectives of those who offer their opinions, and see if there’s a lesson in there that you could learn. More often than not, there will be, and it will be something valuable that, if taken to heart, could make a big difference in your life.

But if it’s really just plain old cheap and easy criticism for the sake of being nasty.... Well, there’s a lesson there, as well. That person is not your people, and it is simply time for you to move on.

5 effective ways to overcome your need for approval

For a very long time in my life, and for as far back as I can remember, I was always looking for people’s approval. After years of introspection and learning how to love myself, though, and overcome the hardship I had been through growing up, I was able to let go of that constant need for someone else to approve of my life.

If you’re anything like I was, you are longing for a different life, one in which you are sure of yourself, and where your intuition tells you where to go and how to get there, as well as one where other people’s opinions of you don’t matter that much – or even at all.

I’m proof that such a life is possible, and I know that you too can have it. Yes, it can be hard, and yes, it requires you to dig deep into yourself, but believe me: the rewards outweigh the effort a thousand fold.

On my personal journey to self-love, digging deep into myself, I learned a few effective ways to overcome this constant need for approval that I had lived with for so many years. And today I’m sharing what I learned with you.

1. Be attentive and notice your behavior.

The first step towards any change is taking an account of where you are now. To change your need for approval, it’s vital that you take note of when that behavior occurs and how. Try to be conscious about your actions throughout the day, and for a few days this week; take a few minutes at night to review your day and write down all that you’ve noticed about your approval-seeking behavior. Reflect and think of ways to avoid or change that behavior. And when you feel ready, start the process of change by putting some of those ideas into action.

2. Ask your friends and family for support.

When you have become more aware of your approval-seeking behavior, think of someone you are willing to confide in and ask for accountability when it comes to the changes you are trying to make in your life. Tell that person what your findings are and what you want for yourself, and ask them to help you by monitoring your behavior around them. When doing this, it’s important to also tell them how you want them to let you know what they notice – and ask them to only be positive, loving, and encouraging, but never punitive or negative, as this could in fact increase your needs for approval instead of helping you to move forward.

3. Rewire your brain.

One of the main things that helped me get out of my approval-seeking behavior was focusing on actively rewiring my brain. Through practices such as meditation, visualization, and yoga, I have realized that we are capable of changing our thought patterns and our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. This knowledge was a key element in getting me from a place of fear and unhappiness to the wholehearted and true life which I live now. Going back to step one, take a look at the list of your more prominent approval-seeking behaviors. For each of them, write down the belief that is causing the behavior. Once you have done this, rewrite the belief into a positive affirmation. Make a habit of going over your list on a daily basis – I do it every morning right before my morning meditation – and feel your brain change as a result of this habit.

Here’s an example from my own list.
Approval-seeking behavior: When someone does something or says something that hurts me, I keep it to myself.
Negative belief: If I speak up, people won't like me.
Positive affirmation: I'm a very likeable person. When people do or say something that hurts me I owe it to myself to speak up.

4. What’s the worse that could happen?

With the need for approval comes a lot of fear. Before I learned to really love myself, my life was filled with fear. I was scared of almost everything and everyone, and most of all, of myself. I was constantly on the look-out for people getting mad at me, and so I was trying to keep myself as small as possible around others in order to avoid conflict at all costs. But one day, I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick of the mask I was wearing and I needed to let go of all pretenses and just be me. While I was on my path to self-love, there was a question that wouldn’t let go of me. Over and over, I heard myself say: What’s the worst that could happen? Finally, I decided to answer that question, and when I did, I realized that whatever might come my way, it wasn’t nearly as bad as living a life of pretenses.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

After I realized that the worst that could happen to me wasn’t all that scary after all, I set out to test this new version of the world. Whatever I had to do, and whomever I was going to interact with, I decided I was going to be as true to myself as I could be, not thinking about the consequences and just seeing what would happen. I called this my experiments. From that moment on I would tell my friends when I felt our relationship was out of balance and I wasn’t getting my share of the friendship. Or only say yes to things I really wanted to. The results where liberating! Of course, some people didn’t like the new me. But most where supportive and even grateful that I was finally being the real me. Thanks to practicing being the real me so much, I was quickly able to create a new mental library of positive experiences that made my fears and my need for approval slowly but surely fade away. And the process to get there was fun and engaging, too. The more I allowed myself to be me, the more I attracted cool people into my life. As a result, new friendships were made, existing ones were deepened, and a new sense of happiness, love, and compassion for the world emerged.

I hope I’ve been able to inspire you. If so, I would encourage you to pick something you want to work on today, and take off the mask to let the real you shine bright. You are beautiful and amazing. You don’t need to be perfect. You are just right the way you are.

And if you feel like it, let me know how you’re doing below – I would love to hear from you.

May you love yourself unconditionally, always.