#16 Imposter Syndrome: why we feel like frauds, even when we're successful
Podcast transcript:
Happy Monday! I received so many messages about last week’s episode on creative flow. I knew I was among like-minded spirits! It’s so great to be here with you all! This week I have an important topic I want to tackle, one that plagues me and so many people I work with: impostor syndrome! You know that feeling that it's only a matter of time before people will find out you actually don't know what you're doing - even though everyone around you seems to think you do.
Just last week, Nina, a super talented client photographer who'd been given a big commercial shoot contract, shared how she felt like a fraud doing that job and that she wished she would have done things better even though she did everything she could and more, under a lot of pressure of a demanding client that gave her little support and barely enough time to do her job.
I've been plagued with the feeling that it's only a matter of time before someone finds out I don't really know what I'm talking about, that I'm not qualified for the job, that even though I've done well in the past, I probably won't do well in the future. It comes in waves; I have times of confidence and creative energy when I feel I can take on the world and produce a lot of work, and then other times, I feel like I'm worthless and that somebody is about to expose me as a fraud. This is common. I hear stories like that all the time. I have stories like that.
Impostor Syndrome is real and a burden for many creatives and entrepreneurs. At its core, it's about not being able to internalize your accomplishments; whatever you achieve, whatever your successes, you simply don't allow yourself to see or feel it. Let's talk about that for a minute because it's important. Why is it so hard for so many of us to accept that we're good at something? To appreciate our successes? To believe that we are capable?
The answer is complex, but for many people, it's rooted in the need to be accepted by others. Not feeling good enough as we are is part of this as well, we compare ourselves to those around us and feel like we're constantly falling short. We don't realize that we're only seeing a curated version of everyone's life. We hardly ever see the struggles, fears, and insecurities of others, so we feel even more like impostors when we see other people's successes. We constantly strive to meet certain expectations of what success should look like or feel like, and if we don't fit that idealized version of success, then we conclude we suck.
Another thing that I heard about impostor syndrome recently comes from Shahroo Izadi. In an interview with Steven Bartlett (yes, again, the Diary of a CEO), she had two interesting ideas about where impostor syndrome and not being able to internalize your accomplishments come from.
The first one is shame and guilt. Shahroo is an anti-diet advocate and someone who has overcome an eating disorder and works with people suffering from addictions. People with mental illness, addiction, or an eating disorder have a lot of shame and guilt about their behavior. Because of this, it's difficult for them to acknowledge their professional accomplishments because many feel ashamed about so many other things that they won't allow themselves to internalize their capacities.
I want to extrapolate that based on what I see in my practice and the many stories from my own life and that of my clients. We all have things we're ashamed of and feel guilty about, it might be something we're doing - or thinking (and this is important) when nobody's watching, we all have secrets about who we truly think we are. We all have things we would like to do or say, but don't because of our need for social acceptance. These can be small things - how we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, and what makes us feel guilty when nobody else is around.
We carry these secrets with us everywhere, and sometimes even if on a superficial level, we've achieved a lot, and everything looks great. Inside, it's hard for us to accept our successes because of these inner feelings of guilt and shame because it feels too good, too undeserved.
The second thing I got from Shahroo Izadi's interview is a trick she shared. She said that when you give yourself permission to find what is difficult, difficult - even if it's super easy for other people - something extraordinary happens: it tends to have a significant impact on your impostor syndrome. She said to find something difficult that others find a no-brainer, accept that it was hard for you to do, and feel proud about it.
There's a lot of truth to this. In my own life, I've been working hard to become better at things, and it always starts with little things. A side-effect of using my own measuring tape for what is hard for me - irrespective of what is hard for someone else - has made me feel prouder and less like an impostor over time. It's a process, but it will help you internalize your accomplishments. You have to be honest and look at what was difficult for you, even if others don't consider it as hard as it was for you. It can be anything - from talking to strangers and finishing a laundry basket to eating the vegetables that would typically die in your fridge. The point is not to compare yourself or try to do things as others do but to find a new appreciation of doing what is hard for you and comes easy to others.
I used to compare myself to my partners. I'm sure I'm not alone in doing this. I would measure my shortcomings to what I was capable of or afraid of compared to them. One of the longest and most significant relationships I've had was with someone addicted to adrenaline. If it could fly, float on water, slide down a snow slope, or race on a track, he wanted it. As I'm saying this I'm really wondering what I was thinking starting a relationship with that person. I'm a nerdy book work who doesn't like speedy things.
I know better now, but at the time I thought that my different taste for life and how I wanted to live it (with my feet tightly on the ground and not moving too fast if possible), was a failure and shortcoming on my part. In fact, for most of my life, I thought that anything someone else liked and I had trouble doing was a flaw in me. I had to work hard to break that thought pattern and recognize that many things come easy for some people but not for others. In the case of that ex, he's been put on boats, planes, and skis since the age of 5. It was second nature to him, while I had only had those experiences well into adulthood. So from the start, I was comparing apples with slices of cajun chicken. But I didn't see it that way; I could only see what I couldn't do but was expecting myself to be able to.
It's normal and ok, even if it feels like an embarrassment when someone else does something easier or better than you. There are no fixed success or achievement standards – it's whatever works for you. It can be brave to accept what is difficult for us and give ourselves credit for the effort we put into doing it despite our fear or anxiety. It can also be so liberating and fun. This can make a huge difference in how we see ourselves and conquer impostor syndrome. And it allows us to celebrate our successes, all of them, instead of constantly moving the goalpost.
Another issue I had with impostor syndrome is that I always tended to over-prepare and over-perform for most things, and constantly craved feedback to reassure me that I was actually doing ok (though I somehow deep down knew that I was probably more than ok since I was consistently working to stay way above ok because that's all I'd ever accept from myself. I would set a high standard for myself that I then felt I had to continue to meet, a standard that people then thought came effortlessly, and so they demanded more and more, and since I doubled as a people-pleaser, I didn't dare to say no. See how it quickly becomes a vicious triangle between impostor syndrome, perfectionism, and people-pleasing? It was absolutely horrible, and the worst part: I never enjoyed any of the things I achieved.
Elza, a super fun, creative generalist client, told me in a session a few months back that she couldn't find the motivation to do anything that wasn't painful. She wasn't talking about physical torture, thank goodness. She meant anything that didn't require her to suffer mentally through fear, stress, anxiety, or not knowing how to do the thing. I see a connection with what I said before: she couldn't internalize the accomplishments of her natural talents and abilities. Things that came easy for her weren't real accomplishments in her mind, so it had to hurt and be difficult. But then, when she had accomplished something challenging, she felt like a fraud and wasn't happy either. She immediately went on to look for the next challenge.
The solution for her, and all of us with impostor syndrome, is first to recognize our unique talents, skills, aptitudes, and capabilities. We must be honest about the things we can do well and those that don't come as easily.
Then we must replace the old idea of success that is material and all about what others see we accomplish with one that celebrates effort over outcome. It's not about what you're able to do but how much effort you put into it, whether you succeed or fail in the end. The goal should be to live in a state of appreciation and joy over any little thing that makes us feel good – even if others don't see its value or importance.
The next time you start feeling guilty about something that might have been slightly easier for your friends or colleagues - acknowledge it was hard but that you can still be proud of yourself for what you have achieved. The same goes for things that come easy for you. This is important because it's an issue for many creatives, entrepreneurs, and creative generalists. It's not because you know how to do something that everyone knows how to do it. If you do a good job at something, even if you feel it's super easy to do and "everyone must be capable of it" (which, again, is not the case), you deserve to be proud of yourself and congratulate you for a job well done!
Finally, remember to believe that you are enough and that what you think about yourself doesn't make you unworthy of your accomplishments. We all have secrets and believe crazy things about ourselves, but those are just thoughts; it's not the truth. So I'd encourage you to look inward, observe what thoughts come up in moments of success or failure, and recognize what emotions go along with them.
Mentioned in this episode:
Diary of a CEO interview with Shahroo Izadi
---
Yay! That's it for today! I hope you found something that resonates with you and helps you to stop feeling like a fraud. Because you aren't, you're a fantastic creative human!
Before you go, here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment. Let go of the need to accomplish things all the time, and instead, come up with a list of things that bring you joy - it doesn't matter if they're big or small. Then make sure to do one every day this week and take some time to appreciate yourself for it.
If you want to step it up, here's a little act of daily rebellion this week: whenever someone compliments you on anything, say "thank you." Don't downplay it, don't dismiss it, just be thankful. It won't be easy at first, but I promise you it will change how you feel about yourself.
Have a wonderful week filled with badassery and courage! Bye! Talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you're not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
