#19 Are you afraid of your dreams? Stop sabotaging yourself, and become the person you want to be

Podcast transcript:

Hi! It's Monday! And I'm back from NYC - the two weeks I spent there were amazing. This was - by far - the best trip I ever went on, and I can't wait to go back. There's just something about being in NYC as an entrepreneur... there's an energy that I can't find anywhere else.

But for some strange reason (or maybe not so strange, I'll tell you all about it in a minute), this trip also made me start thinking about fear and how we sabotage ourselves from achieving our dreams. We're all capable of great things, but often, we let fear get in the way. 

We keep ourselves small and play it safe instead of taking risks and pursuing what we want.

I used to think this was about being afraid of failing - because if you never try anything new or challenging, you can't fail either. But I'm not so sure anymore. I used to think I feared my dreams because I couldn't make them come true. But now, after many years of achieving my goals and helping so many other people achieve theirs, too, I think there might be something else going on: I'm not afraid I won't make it, I'm afraid that I will - I'm afraid of what I perceive to be the "enormity" of my dreams, and NYC definitely unlocked that feeling for me.

When I founded a software security start-up there back in 2015, I felt it too, but it was different. The dream was to try and see if it could work. When you put yourself in that headspace, you're not too attached to the outcome. Of course, you want it to succeed, but since you haven't done it before, it's healthy to be a little bit cautious about the potential success of your enterprise. At least, that is how I approach new things that I do and what I encourage my clients to do as well: you can't know for sure that something you've never done before will work. However, you can have a goal and do your best to achieve it. If you do: perfect! If you don't, no big deal: you learned something. And that learning will make it easier for you to succeed next time.

So when I embarked on that start-up adventure in NYC back then, it was all about taking the plunge without knowing where I would land. And I was OK with that because it was all so new.

That start-up did work out. I'm not associated with the project anymore, but that's because of personal reasons. I hope it's still going well, and I'm proud to have been part of it.

But this most recent trip was different because my dreams are no longer small or new. I've done many things since, including investing in other people's businesses, building a successful international coaching practice, and writing a book in its third edition that sells well online. More recently, I've started incubating a new start-up project in the DEI and inclusivity field and fundraising for new and exciting initiatives. I'm eight years further along my entrepreneurial journey since launching that start-up. 

It's crazy how life works. As a creative generalist, I know I need variety to stay engaged and inspired to do my best work. When I start to feel the "itch," that internal jitter that tells me it's time to start thinking about something else or something new, I've learned to follow it. What's cool about it is that the new thing I decide to do always builds on what I've done before. That's the "glue" I so often talk about. Creative entrepreneurs, or people with multiple interests and passions, can look very disorganized to the outside world. It's often unclear to others why we like what we like or do what we do. It's not unclear to us! We are the glue, the common denominator that makes everything come together and make sense. That's true for me and the new projects I'm putting together.

So even though what I'm doing now is a logical continuation of my journey so far, combining everything I have learned, believe in, am passionate about, and want to create more of in the world - it also feels so much bigger and scarier. The reason is that I can't tell myself I'm just a beginner anymore; I can't pretend I haven't learned a thing or two about business or that I haven't done some of this before. I don't really believe it won't work out; in fact, if I put my mind to it, there's a big chance it will work out, and I will get what I want.

And this is the scary bit. Big dreams come with big life changes, responsibilities, and transitions. And this is why sometimes we sabotage ourselves. It's more comfortable to stay where we are, even if we know it's not where we want to be. It's familiar, cozy, and easy. We're sitting in our comfort zones, minding our business, and don't want to leave - even though we know we could be or do so much more.

One of the major fears that show up with big dreams is the fear of failure. But it's not the only one, perhaps not the main one. Life is more challenging, messier, and more complicated when trying to go after your dreams. But it's also much richer, more adventurous, exhilarating, meaningful, and far more rewarding than just sitting on the sidelines.

It led me to wonder why we sabotage ourselves from achieving great things. Why do we keep ourselves small when we want so much more deep down inside? An excellent book about this is The Upper Limit by Gay Hendricks. I'll link it in the show notes.

So the real icky, scary piece, I believe, is this: to achieve big dreams, we have to become different people. If you want to be the CEO of a social impact start-up in NYC, you must find the courage to fill those shoes. If your dream is to become a thought leader or investigative journalist who shares strong opinions, you must grow into the person with that voice. In a society that tells us not to shine too much, to be humble, cautious, to fear change and uncertainty... It's not easy to believe we can grow into the people we need to be to fit our dreams.

That, to me, is the main reason we're afraid of our dreams. Am I worthy of my dreams? Can I be the person that I imagine living this dream? Can I really fill those shoes?

We can. We can become the people our dreams are asking us to be. There's a story behind every vision, and if we take the time to find out what that story is, we will understand why it matters so much to us - and why we should keep pursuing it no matter how scary or uncomfortable it might feel at times. Once you're clear about the story you believe about yourself, you can tell yourself a new one - the one in which you become bigger than your fear, bolder than your doubts, and wiser about yourself and your capabilities. If you don't believe me, let me share with you two of my favorite examples:

The first is a client who always wanted to be a creative entrepreneur but never dared to leap. She was afraid of failing but mostly of succeeding. Her corporate job was draining her, and she was recovering from a severe burn-out when we started working together. What she found out about her story was that she had been taught since childhood to conform, to fit into a box, and not stand out in any way. So even though she yearned for bigger challenges and creativity, to call herself an artist (she was a brand designer but also a painter, dancer, and jewelry maker), it wasn't easy for her to go against what felt so familiar - being a small fish in a big pond. Once she realized why this dream mattered so much to her, going after it became easier; because it was no longer just about succeeding or failing at something in the future but rather honoring who she truly was. The number one reason she succeeded is that she saw that she could become the artist her dreams needed her to be. And she did! She now has a beautiful portfolio business selling art, offering art-therapy workshops to help people heal from stress and burn-out, and she's taking the first steps to creating a hub for artists and creatives to come together.

The second example is my story: we didn't have much growing up. My parents were lower middle-class; my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my father was a hardworking man, for sure, but also a human with many complex and traumatic personal issues. Growing up in that environment was challenging. Nothing about it invited my siblings or me to think big, imagine a bright future for ourselves, or even recognize our worth. As much as I wanted to rise above it, I often felt incredibly small and powerless. It took me many years of personal growth and taking leaps of faith to finally understand that my dreams didn't have anything to do with my parents or the situation I was born in - they were invitations from a part of myself that could see what was possible for me far beyond the limitations and struggles of my upbringing.

These stories show us that we can grow into the people our big dreams require. But it starts with self-awareness: understanding why our dreams matter to us and how we can become bigger, better versions of ourselves to make them come true. It's not easy; our biography, past experiences, and upbringing can never entirely go away - but it is worth it.

This is why fear can signal that you're doing something right! Often, after a first coaching session, when clients have defined the goals we will work on together, they tell me they're afraid when I ask them how they feel. I love it when that happens! It's a sign that we're on the right track and that what they envision really matters to them. Because if what you are creating or imagining feels scary (or even terrifying), it's probably because your dream is worth making real. It means at least one thing: it requires you to grow, step out of your comfort zone, look differently at your life and what is possible, and expand yourself beyond who you know yourself to be today. In this way, your dreams become a doorway for personal growth if only you are brave enough to follow them!

So don't be afraid of your dreams! Step into them bravely and embrace what comes next with curiosity and courage because you never know where they will take you. Believe in your power to grow into the person worthy of living your dream life - and if you do, I promise you won't regret it.

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OK, we're done for today! Hopefully, this episode inspired and motivated you to pursue your dreams, no matter how daunting they may be. Remember, fear is often a sign that we're on the right track and that it's worth doing whatever it takes to make our dreams come true.

Before you go, here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment. This week I want you to think about one dream or idea you've had for a while that feels scary, overwhelming, or terrifying. You know you want to do it, but you just can't get yourself to. Spend some time reflecting on how you can become the person that is capable of making this dream come true - recognize what knowledge and skills you need to develop to make it happen. What kind of relationships do you need to build? What beliefs do you need to cultivate? What needs to change about your life? Then take one step towards becoming that person.

If you're feeling up to it, here's a little act of daily rebellion this week: fake it until you make it. Pretend you already have the courage, strength, and knowledge to make your dream come true. How would you think, talk and act differently? Be that person this week and see how your life changes!

Thanks for listening, everyone. Until next time – remember to own your power and take control of your life.

Take care, have fun, and be kind to yourself! Bye!

Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you're not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.