Why forgiveness is an act of kindness towards yourself

Last week on the blog I wrote about what to do when someone hurts your feelings. One of the things that I mention in the post is forgiveness, as a way to help you move past whatever someone did to hurt you.

Since the post has been up, I’ve received a number of emails from readers telling me how difficult it is to practice forgiveness sometimes, and how unfair it feels having to be the one “doing the work” when someone else should be doing it instead.

Thank you all for sending me these great questions. They made me think, and want to dig a little deeper into what forgiveness actually is, and why it’s a true act of kindness towards yourself…

Learn to forgive yourself first

We all have things that we’re not proud of, that annoy us about ourselves, that linger on from the past. Bad decisions we made, situations we didn’t deal with as good as we could have, people we hurt…

I like to think that everything begins with ourselves, forgiveness included. And just like I believe you cannot love someone deeply, truly, fully until you give that same kind of love to yourself, I believe you cannot enjoy the benefits of forgiveness entirely until you’ve learned how to forgive yourself.

So the first step towards forgiveness is not about giving your blessings to someone else, but surrounding your own bright self with the loving-kindness that comes from not beating yourself down anymore over a mistake you made, accepting that you’ve dealt with a situation in a shitty way or made a mistake, and silencing your inner nasty when she’s putting on the blame game.

An easy, yet super powerful way to practice self-forgiveness is this:

• Give yourself credit for recognizing your mistake (or whatever it is you’re blaming yourself for). This is the first step towards growth, and not a trivial thing! You deserve to be proud of yourself. Shoulder tap lady!

• Accept that mistakes are a part of life, and that you’re not the first one to make one, nor that this is the last one you’ll ever make. As a recovering people-pleaser, and somewhat of a recovering perfectionist too (hum hum), this was a difficult lesson for me to learn. For a long time my anxiety, and worry revolved almost entirely around me making mistakes. This made it hard for me to be social, go out and enjoy myself because the next days I would be filled with anxiety, worrying about what those people at the party thought of me, and whether or not I’d said the right thing, and been the right way (as if that exists!) all night long. A total nightmare! Until I accepted that I would never be perfect, and that mistakes were part of my life’s journey.

• Know that you are a magical being that learns, and grows all the time! Mistakes are always in the past. And guess what? You don’t live there! You live in the present. Every moment of your life you have the choice to learn from your mistakes so that you can grow into a better version of yourself. I use this growth mindset attitude on a daily basis. Understanding that I’m not my mistakes, that I can outgrow them, and learn from them at the same time comforts me, and helps me to forgive myself.

Now it’s time to start forgiving others

Forgiving yourself is the most important step – but it’s only the first one. Practice it often, whenever you feel you need to. But don’t fall in the trap I fell into for so long: becoming great at forgiving yourself, but walking around with frustrations, sadness, and hurt feelings as a result of what others have done to you.

If you do, you’ll hang on to toxic energy that – newsflash! – only you feel! That’s right. The person that hurt you is most probably totally in the dark about what you’re feeling, and is not being hurt back. Only you are – again!

Forgiving others is a difficult thing to do. Believe me, I know!

And if you’re anything like me, it won’t come to you overnight either… (damn ego!). But you can do it, and it is so absolutely liberating, that I promise you.

The way I forgive others is not driven by selflessness (sorry Buddha, not there yet) but by sheer self-love.

Because forgiving others means being happier, living a better life, removing toxic energy, moving on… good things that will affect your own life first, not always that of the person you’re forgiving.

Forgiving someone comes down almost the same steps as the self-forgiveness practice above:

• Give yourself credit for recognizing that someone has hurt your feelings. You’re protecting your boundaries, and taking good care of yourself there. Well done! As a people-pleaser, I really had to learn this the hard way… actually recognizing that I’d been hurt instead of internalizing all of it.

• Accept that mistakes are part of life, and that other people are only human too. It might not make the hurt go away, but it can certainly deflect it from your ego, and help you realize that we’re all in this human experience together.

• Use the growth mindset to figure out what you can learn when someone hurt your feelings. I believe there’s a silver lining to everything, and this is no exception. Maybe you’ve stumbled on a sensitivity you have that you need to safeguard more, or you weren’t clear on your boundaries enough. This is certainly not to say that you are to blame for someone hurting you, but simply that you can learn how to protect yourself from it.

When you learn to forgive yourself, and others, there’s one universal outcome I believe will come your way: you’ll have a better life. Less stress, less worry, more love, more compassion, and so many other wonderful emotions, feelings, and experiences.

That’s why it’s an act of kindness towards yourself. And for that alone, it’s worth it.

Now do tell me. Is it easy for you to forgive yourself? Others? What works well for you? Let me know below.

Gratitude as a pathway to success

Very often, we turn to science for help when we want to achieve something. Or medicine, for that matter. Sometimes it seems there is a pill for everything, or when there isn’t, we wish there was. Many of us look outside of ourselves for things that will make us feel better, gain more self-esteem, sleep better, be happier, be more productive, and so on. The list is endless.

And in all this, we forget the things that are closest to ourselves – within ourselves – and that cost us nothing to use or practice. Like gratitude.

There’s a lot of research that shows the many benefits of having an attitude of gratitude – an attitude defined by the simple act of being thankful: for your life, for your work, for what you have, for your health, for your friends and family members… for being alive. And for realizing what a miracle that is, and how fortunate you are for being able to experience it.

As Goeffrey James so beautifully says in this Inc.com article about the benefits of a gratitude muscle:

People who approach life with a sense of gratitude are constantly aware of what’s wonderful in their life. Because they enjoy the fruits of their successes, they seek out more success. And when things don’t go as planned, people who are grateful can put failure into perspective.

On the other hand, people who approach life with a negative attitude will approach success and failure in a completely different way, too, and will never be able to truly enjoy what they have worked for, or to cope well and overcome the failures that are inevitably part of life, and business, in a way that helps them to grow and move forward.

If this is true, and I believe that it is, the real question is: how can we remember to be grateful? And, how do we live with an attitude of gratitude?

In the prep program that I’ve designed to get clear on what you want and to turn that into actionable actions towards your goals (accessible for free to the members of The Boho Loft, by the way), there’s a section about gratitude and the importance of keeping a gratitude list.

During one of the group coaching calls, though, one of my students asked how to stay motivated to write down such a list “when nothing much happens in your life”. I thanked my student for this question, as this is something that has been hard for me to deal with at times, too. We live in a world where everything needs to be big and grand it seems, but gratitude doesn’t work that way. At least, not if you want a sustainable practice.

So, how do you keep an attitude of gratitude, whatever your day looks like?

1. Celebrate the little things

You don’t need be superwoman to be grateful. Look around you – at your life, at yourself. There are so many things to be grateful for, most of which go by unnoticed. Did you have comfy shoes on today (okay, that one might be tricky for some women, I admit), or did you have a beautiful pair on (there, that’s probably more like it)? Be grateful! Do you have a roof over your head, and enough food to eat? Be grateful. Is it warm enough where you are? Is the Sun shining? Be grateful. Did you see a flower today? Did someone smile at you? Be grateful. These are just a few of the many experiences and things we encounter on a daily basis in our lives, and yet we feel to recognize them for the blessings that they are. So, make sure to include the little things in your gratitude practice. Believe me, there is plenty to be thankful for.

2. Don’t be afraid to say ‘thank you’

I have found that saying ‘thank you’ to those around you for all that they do for you, and for what they mean to you, really helps to put you in an attitude of gratitude. And the added benefit is that you’re spreading the love and gratitude around at the same time. I have never seen anyone remain unhappy after someone thanked them from the heart. On the contrary, thanking someone almost always lifts the mood of that person, and of the one saying ‘thank you’, too. It’s one of the best remedies I know to get myself into a state of happiness. Try it, and you’ll see. Oh, and smile – that’s a good one, too, I promise.

3. Check in with yourself and count your blessings

Hectic moments can sometimes follow one another for days on end, without giving us enough time to even catch our breath, it seems. In the midst of chaos, take a moment to check in with yourself and remember something that you’re grateful for. It can be a little thing, or a big thing. Whatever you want, really. It might help you to keep a note on your phone, or on a card with a list of things you’re grateful for. Then, when it’s time to check in with yourself, just read the list and say “Thank you”.

4. Keep a gratitude journal

Writing things down is often more powerful than reading things, or even saying them out loud (it’s not me saying this; it’s research!). I cannot recommend anything more than for you to keep a gratitude journal. Journaling in general is a very efficient way to get to know your deepest thoughts and desires, and when you’re focused on gratitude, journaling becomes a way to see all the beautiful things in your life. Journaling doesn’t need to take long either; you can choose how long you want to spend writing. But I encourage you to try, and feel the benefits for yourself.

Ultimately, every day is a new opportunity for you to say ‘thank you’. And in the comments below, I’d love to know what it is you’re grateful for.

Real Magic: How Thoughts Become Things And Why it Matters

I believe thoughts are REAL things. As real as physical things, and even people. I also believe that thoughts shape our reality and our life. What we think manifests in our life. That’s why having a strong mindset, aka being in control of your thoughts is so important. Because if you are, you also become the master of your life. The thing that makes thoughts so intangible is – obviously – that we can’t see them, at least not just like that. But thoughts are all around us, constantly shaping the world. Although they seem invisible, you can do many things with thoughts, and thoughts become many things, too.

• Thoughts can be smelled. Perfume is a beautiful example of thoughts that manifest into real life. The creator behind the perfume had an idea once, and started playing with flowers and oils. Eventually, that thought manifested into a (hopefully) delicious scent.

• Thoughts can be shared. Ideas is probably one of the things we share most with each other. In fact, pretty much everything we do online comes down to sharing our thoughts.

• Thoughts can be bought or sold. Lobby groups know this all too well. But they’re not the only ones. Silicon Valley is full of idea buyers. But so are book stores and theaters.

• Thoughts create your reality. Look around you. Everything you see as been called into your life by you. You’ve manifested it by first thinking about it. Thoughts are powerful beyond belief…

Almost everything that is man-made in this world started – at some point or another – as a single thought. Think about that for a minute (pun totally intended).

When I was a little girl one Christmas I received a magic box as a present. In the box was a black wand that I spent the entire day of Christmas swaying around, at everyone and everything, casting spells and trying to make my wishes come true. But nothing happened. So, that night I went to bed absolutely disillusioned, and in a last attempt to draw magic into my life, I invoked a prayer, asking the Universe to give my magic wand real magic. I don’t remember what happened after that, only that the next morning the magic wand still wasn’t of much use. It took me almost 30 years to understand that the magic is not in the wand, but rather in the thoughts of the one holding it.

When I understood that thoughts are *real things* I became much more mindful of what I was thinking and saying. I felt like a real magician, able to create my own reality by shaping my thoughts to what I wanted my life to be like.

It is my sincere conviction that the thoughts we have ultimately manifest into the physical world – all of them, with no exception. And I’m not the only one to think so. There’s a long tradition of thinkers and spiritual leaders who’ve come to the same conclusion as me (with much more gusto). Among them is Gandhi, who put this priceless and magical wisdom into words beautifully when he said:

Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
– Gandhi

How do you manifest the life you want?

Maybe you’re familiar with the concepts of abundance and the law of attraction. In a way, what I’m explaining has to do with all of that, too. But it’s not entirely the same. Yes, you can attract what you think about and wish for, but – and this is the key – by doing so, you can actively participate in shaping your reality. Everything you ever thought has brought you to where you are right now. This means that everything you’re still to think up in the future will bring you somewhere too.

That’s why I am extremely cautious of my mindset, beliefs, and thoughts. I understand their power and the magic that words hold. Although I’m not in control of the world, and I don’t know what the future holds, my thoughts allow me to create my own reality.

• I decide how to react to what happens to me.

• I choose my thoughts carefully.

• I make sure I think nourishing thoughts.

• When a negative thinking spiral starts, I know it’s only temporary.

6 steps to start manifesting your dream life now:

1. Understand that your thoughts create your reality.
   Every thought you have is creating your reality. If you want to manifest your dream life, you need to be aware of the power of your thoughts and focus on positive thinking.

2. Vibrate at the frequency of your dreams, not your fears.
   Change your negative thoughts into positive ones - If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, consciously change them into positive ones. For example, if you're thinking, "I'll never be able to afford that," change it to "I can achieve anything I set my mind to."

3. Let go of the outcome.
   If you cling too hard to something, you're sending a message to the Universe that you desperately need it, aka that you don't have it. Trust that the Universe will take care of the details - Don't worry about how your dreams will come to fruition, trust that the Universe will take care of the details.

4. Be grateful for what you have.
   Gratitude is one of the most powerful manifesting tools available. When you focus on being thankful for what you already have, it opens up the possibility of more good coming into your life.

5. Visualize what you want.
   Another powerful manifesting tool is visualization. When you close your eyes and picture exactly what you want in your mind, you're sending a strong message to the Universe that this is what you're looking for.

6. Take action towards your goals.
   For your manifestation to become a reality, you need to take action steps towards your goal. For example, if you want to manifest a new job, start by updating your resume and sending out applications.

By following these tips, you can begin manifesting the life of your dreams! Just remember, thoughts become things, so focus on thinking positive thoughts and watch as your life transforms before your eyes.

The magic is within you.

Think thoughts of love, success and joy for those around you, for yourself and the world. Love, success and joy is what you’ll get. Because thoughts become things, and they ALWAYS manifest.

Feeling like you're stuck and don't know what to do next?

A growth mindset is key for success. You have to be willing to learn, grow, and change in order to achieve anything great in life. With the help of a private coach, you can develop the skills you need to succeed.

As a coach I can help you break through your barriers and achieve your goals. You will get personalized attention and guidance so you can reach your full potential. Working with me is an investment in yourself – and it’s one that will pay off big time.

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