The Trust Issue That's Keeping You Stuck in Your Career or Business: Attachment Theory and Healing

We all know lack of trust is a huge hurdle in our relationships. But did you know it can have equally detrimental consequences for your career or business? 

If you have trust issues, this article will help explain how attachment theory and lack of trust might be keeping your business or career stuck! 

Are you able to trust the people you work with quickly? Do you believe a co-worker when she tells you she's got it? Do you trust her to do a good job, or are you micromanaging everything and everyone around you? 

Your lack of trust in business might be because you're anxious and don't want to be hurt (again). What has probably been a great, life-saving defense mechanism at some point in your (early) life could be keeping you stuck in a career you don't like or unable to move forward with your business. It might even stop others from entering into business relationships with you.

On the surface, it doesn't seem like trust issues have anything to do with our careers or businesses, but when we dig a little deeper, it's easy to see how this can affect success and why it deserves attention and might even require healing.

Trust issues are often linked to anxious attachment, one of four types of attachment styles. People who have developed an anxious attachment often have a hard time feeling secure in relationships. They lack trust in almost everything, which usually leaves them feeling anxious, scared, or worried.

What is attachment theory?

Psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to talk about attachment and formalize its theory in the 1950s and 1960s.

Bowlby theorized that attachment is an inbuilt survival instinct that ensures infants seek proximity to their mothers or primary caregivers. If they cannot do so, infants might fall into a state of "distress," determined by a lack of comfort and satisfaction when confronted with anything other than what they need.

Attachment theory, therefore, examines how the caregiver-child bond develops and its impact on significant development. In Bowlby's words: "Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another person across time and space."

According to Bowlby, there are four attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant. 

Secure Attachment Style

Securely attached children feel safe and comfortable with their primary caregivers. They explore the world around them but return to a secure base when needed. Securely attached people tend to have healthier relationships in adulthood because they feel more confident in their interactions with others and don't experience fear of abandonment.

In their career or as business owners, securely attached adults are more likely to rely on others for help and support because they have a more vital trust. They are also less anxious about their lack of control in work-related situations. Securely attached individuals will have an easier time sticking to a job or business idea, trusting co-workers or business partners and making decisions based on opportunity rather than fear. Especially compared to the avoidant and disorganized attachment types, who often have a more challenging time making decisions, and suffer lasting ambivalent feelings about the choices they eventually make.

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style

Anxious-ambivalent children are more clingy, needy, and lack self-confidence. They get anxious when away from their caregivers and distrust them, leading them to explore their environment with fear rather than excitement. 

They constantly seek approval from their caregivers and continuously observe their surroundings out of fear of being abandoned or in danger. This can translate into less ease and more perfectionistic tendencies at work in adulthood because they're constantly dwelling on what could go wrong. The strategic decisions they make can reflect their focus on fear, in which case the results might be missed business opportunities or promotions they want but don't take.   

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant children lack the attachment bond with their caregivers and show very little interest in exploring or trying new things. They seem uninterested, detached, and lack empathy for others. When they explore the world, it's usually to get away from adults rather than meet them; when faced with a challenge that requires help, they avoid seeking support.

They often struggle with expressing their feelings and find it hard to understand emotions - especially their own. As a result, avoidant adults tend to lack trust in people, reflected in their career or business as difficulty to delegate, trying to do it all themselves, failing to ask for support when needed, and often struggling to work with team members or business partners.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Disorganized attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment caused by various reasons, such as a lack of bonding with the caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.

Children with a disorganized attachment style often display intense anger and rage, a difficulty to control their emotions that will affect their relationships later on in life. As adults, they avoid trusting others and have little to no self-confidence when facing challenges. This often leads to accepting less than what they are worth at work, doing other people's jobs, accepting without a fight not to be recognized for their accomplishments. In business, it leaves them prey to their customers and service providers and aiming for smaller goals than they could achieve.

Do you lack secure attachment?

Those with an anxious or ambivalent attachment style (well, hello there!) have had this lack of trust ingrained in us since our developmental years. A lack of secure attachments with caretakers during those times affects how your brain develops and responds to interpersonal relationships later in life. The problem is, we're often unaware of how this influences the way we interact with others as adults, let alone the impact it has on our business or at work.

If you're not sure of your attachment style, click here for an assessment that may help.

Lack of trust in your career or business can express itself in various ways, such as:

• You're exhausted because you feel you need to do all the things, and the help you're getting is (according to your perfectionistic standards) never up to par.

• You're micromanaging everyone's tasks (including your colleagues, business partners, and service providers) because you're not confident they can do the job.

• You never ask for help or accept it because whenever someone offers, it makes you suspicious. You wonder what the ulterior motives are, so you say no, even when you need it most.

• You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop because you're anxious things won't work out. Everything might look good now, but you don't believe it will stay that way.

• You have a hard time making decisions, especially about a career change or new business venture. One day you're ecstatic about the idea; the next, not so much.

To heal your lack of trust, you need to work on healing your attachment wounds. I suggest starting with finding a therapist or coach who knows about attachment theory so they can help guide you through this process. 

You may also want to read or research this critical topic to understand it better. Here are a few resources to get started with:

• Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep - love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

• The Psych Up Podcast.

• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.

• The work of Diane Poole Heller, who devoted her life to helping people find secure attachment.

Is your attachment style keeping you stuck at work or in business?

Anxiously (and ambivalently) attached people are generally preoccupied with thoughts about relationships - whether personal or professional ones. They can be cautious to the point of being fearful and may withdraw from a relationship if they have an uneasy feeling that it's going downhill.

This, of course, is bad for business. A successful career or business requires networking and successfully reaching out and connecting with others.

If you lack trust in your business or work relationships, try the following:

• Make sure you're not micromanaging everything and everyone around you. Be a supportive team player instead of always telling others what to do or how they should be doing it. You don't want them feeling like their work is never good enough because this might further complicate your collaboration.

• Trust others by giving them more responsibility and let go of the reins a little bit. Your lack of trust will show if you don't delegate some tasks out, so try trusting someone with something small at first and see how they do before handing over more significant projects or responsibilities.

• Have a candid conversation with your team, business partner, or service providers and tell them that your attachment style has held you back from trusting them. You don't need to give them the reasons why, but it helps to develop solutions together.

• Keep working on developing a more secure attachment. You might never get where someone who naturally trusts others is, but you can get pretty close. It all starts with understanding your style and being willing to work at it.

As people who lack trust in others (or maybe lack it when it comes to the next business or career step to take!), we can't let it hold us back anymore. We have to start healing our lack of trust and release the painful memories from our past and change some thinking patterns. I know because I've been there. And the transformation I've gone through has been magnificent. 

If lack of trust has been an issue for you, I hope this article helped you see there's a way out of it. It's going to take some time and work, but it is possible.

You can do this. 

Do you have attachment wounds?

If so, I'm here to help. You need to work on healing your lack of trust before you can move forward in your career or with your business. The first step is to find someone who understands attachment therapy and getting the guidance you need. Let me know if I can be that person for you!

It's time to start feeling safe again in relationships and stop being afraid of getting hurt all the time. Let me show you how we can do this together! We'll work on healing what's keeping you stuck so you can reach the next level in your work!

Schedule your free session!

7 habits that will completely change your career

Sometimes focusing on the end goal can be daunting when you’re unsure about what you really want. Especially for creatives and multi-passionate entrepreneurs, having to choose often feels like losing. What if I’m wrong? How do I “win” at this game called success? It’s even more difficult when your knowledge keeps evolving, and your interests keep changing… which often happens when thinking about career advancement or change.

Did someone take your idea again or not give you credit? Feeling bored and uninspired? Unhappy where you are? Stuck and unsure? Looking for a new, and greater challenge? Thinking about starting a little something on the side?

There are specific habits that successful creative entrepreneurs consistently act on to help grow their careers or businesses. Developing yourself professionally only works when it’s intentional. You have to want it, and work at it.

We often delay happiness in the relentless pursuit of accolades, status and money. We lose sight of something deeper and more purposeful in our careers when we only feel validated through external self-worth. This isn’t sustainable. Understanding what is helping you or preventing (!) you from creating positive habits in your career can help mitigate some of those stumbling blocks.

In the end, your career can only grow as much as yourself.

#1 Check your baseline

Where are you right now? How are you feeling? What’s been on your mind (or to-do list) lately that is important but keeps going by unnoticed? What’s the itch you can’t scratch, and where did it come from? Checking in with yourself regularly is an important step towards change. What parts of your career need some spring-cleaning or inspiration? Where do you see yourself in five years – is it time to set some new goals?

#2 Give more compliments

Sometimes we’re so fixated on what isn’t working we forget about what is. Build empathy by seeing through someone else’s eyes or walking in someone else’s shoes. By listening, validating and giving positive feedback you can create a foundation for relationship building, even if you’re not best friends with your co-workers, boss or the people on your team. This change in atmosphere can be the reinvigoration you, and your career needs – kill them with kindness. However, it’s not the solution for a very challenging or toxic work environment. If you have to stay there, you can try to make the most of it, for now. 

#3 Overcome perfectionism

Avoiding failure is a deeply rooted focus on the negative. In order to dissolve the barriers holding you back from career success, you have to let go of control. Demanding an abstract form of perfectness might make you miss the mark because you were fixated on doing things perfectly, rather than delivering progress. Remember there’s a difference between setting standards of excellence and setting standards no one can reasonably meet, including you.

#4 Invest more in yourself

Filling your own cup is one of the best returns on investment – you are investing in your future career by growing as an individual. Whether that’s through nutrition, meditation, yoga, a new class, online courses or hiring a coach, valuing yourself instead of waiting for external praise is the mindset that will help you grow the most. Say “yes” to yourself more, and considerately say “no” to others to create the necessary space for your well-being, and growth.

#5 Take leadership seriously

Sometimes we forget we can be role models and lead teams. We go about our day or want to get the job done. Do not underestimate your ability to use your creativity and transformational skills. We all have the potential to step up and create change. This includes self-management, taking the right risks, making those difficult decisions and being adaptable. 

#6 Expand your skills

Sometimes we get stuck because we don’t have a clear vision. The best way out of it is to develop new skills. Manage your money, plan your next adventure, or learn how to write a book – get curious with something you enjoy that doesn’t necessarily pay. Remember that you need your interests and passions to be happy and to thrive, but not all of them need to turn into businesses or a career! Invest in the skills you have and build the ones you’re lacking. Never stop learning and don’t underestimate the power of knowledge to up-level your career, at any stage in life.

#7 Connect, connect, connect

Do you avoid work breaks? Skip on the after-work get togethers? Dread the networking events that you know could bring in new business? My advice is to show up. As women especially, we’re still too often the silent birdies in the workplace and at the decision table. It's not only about connecting, but also about making sure people "see" you and your potential. You never know who you might meet, or what new idea you might get. So get out there. 

Practice these seven habits consistently and you’ll completely change your career. Finding the necessary mentors or coaches to support you can be an added strength. 

Investing in yourself and your growth are career-changing habits you can start with right now. The benefit will show faster than daily trips to the gym, I promise you. 

How to change careers with what you already have

Career exploration sounds more difficult than a NASA mission to Mars. The older you get, the more you wonder: a new career, is that even possible? Changing course might be daunting when there’s a perception that you’re throwing away the “perfect” career or that you don’t have the degrees or skills needed to make the change. Yet, the 9-5 hamster wheel is losing its appeal now that loyalty, benefits and pensions no longer guarantees career success and satisfaction or outweighs the boredom and lack of purpose that many driven creatives experience every day. 

Professionals are job-hopping more than before, some twice as much as they did two decades ago (often not for money). Career change is no longer taboo, it’s becoming the norm. Value differences, burnout, and stress are leading people to second-guess the career they’re currently in. Regardless of the trend, many still feel stuck. What if you could start a new career (or business) with what you already have – the skills, attitudes and value system that could inspire growth in new directions?

Using your experiences and transferable skills is not new. We do this all the time when pivoting or moving up the chain of command. We fake it until we make it. Critical thinking, problem solving, writing, creative thinking, researching – your multi-passionate creative skills can be applied in any industry or niche. The point is: you have what it takes and anything you don’t know yet, you can learn. On the job, that is! Not by first enrolling in another course or degree, you’ve done enough of that already…

Focusing on what that next step is starts with the first step you can take right where you are. Let’s use the four C’s approach to starting that new career, whatever it may be, using what you already have in your proverbial toolbox. 

Change 

What’s inspiring the desire for change? Thinking about a new career, what excites you? Being outdoors? Getting more creative? Being your own boss? What will sustain you when you’re not making money from the get-go? Why the change and why now? Change is good, but preparation is key. Being in the right mindset will help you tremendously when the transition might not go as planned. 

Cross-functional skills 

As mentioned, you’re well stocked with skills, even some that are under-utilised where you currently work. What professional muscles do you want to stretch? Remember, you do not have to limit yourself to your current industry. What are the skills, strengths and preferences you can hone in on? What are the skills that are effortless and productive? 

Comfort 

As humans we naturally prefer comfort to discomfort, safety to fear. This is why many delay making a change for weeks, years and even decades. If you’re naturally a predictable person, with an inclination towards security and structure, you might be risk averse, but ask yourself what comforts are you willing to sacrifice for more fulfilling and meaningful work? And ultimately, looking back five or ten years from now, will you regret not making a different choice?

Confidence 

Every new idea is launched with some bravado. A career change is no exception. It helps to have support. As a career and business coach, I help clients overcome the fear and inner doubt that keeps them stuck and plagues professionals seeking change, regardless of age or social status. Ultimately, your experiences and desires will defeat any inner uncertainty, but only when you realize what this change truly means for you. 

You must have heard of imposter syndrome and that inner doubt, but your strengths and interests speak for themselves, as do the accolades (accept the compliments!). The multi-passionate research will move you forward while the four C’s will help you navigate some answers to those tough questions. 

There’s no Secret for Preparation

Preparation requires soul-searching, countless podcasts, and a collection of self-help books you can gloat about, but you cannot stay inactive forever.

What will be that final nudge towards taking that one confident step in a new direction? You might be hesitant to send in your resignation, or you might be feverishly ready to do so without a game plan. Either way, consider what is required if and when you decide to change, but more importantly how that change will look and work for you.

You might not have the time or energy to decipher all of this and that’s okay. If you desire to seek a new career with what you already have, there’s an entire world out there to support your vision. Undeniably, there will be people and factors in your life that will prevent you from seeking change; remember your responses to the four C’s when that happens. 

Always go back to the proof in your achievements and what you’re truly proud of – not what you’re lacking. No achievement you’ve made is without its lessons and merits. Now onto the next career challenge you’re seeking!

Ambitious and creative? Entrepreneurship might be a good fit for you.

Admit it, you’re a passionate, life long learner person. You’re thorough, and a bit of a perfectionist at times. Now, what does that have to do with entrepreneurship?

You’re open to new experiences and you’re never bored learning something new. You’re conscientious too. After all, you want to read and review a report or email at least three times before sending (guilty :)), help others on different teams when you already have four projects on the go, or clean every nook in the house and run 5 errands in one day before calling it quits. You’re ambitious and creative.

But these qualities can work for you or against you. If you feel like you’re hitting a dead end where you are in your life and career right now, here’s something to ponder…

From my coaching experience, more often than not, my clients have a hidden itch and talent for entrepreneurship – actually most of them eventually follow that path. They work with me and uncover what their deepest dreams and goals are. Let’s see if that’s what you want to do also…

1. Was that child curiously leader-driven?

Revisit your younger self, when you were your most passionate and imaginative. What were you doing in unrestrained happiness? Check out the photo albums and speak with family and friends. Was that child hustling and trying to sell things to unsuspecting family members? (Guilty) Was that child in charge, curious and a little, okay, quite bossy? (Yep, that too!) Did you have a stronger feeling of wanting to problem solve or fix everything when you were younger? 

2. Do you have an idea?

You probably have an endless supply of ideas and hundreds of notes in your phone. (Hello multi-passionate mind!) Things you quash or forget easily because, well, you’re busy! Go back and review those notes. Go back to certain years in your life when you had an aha! moment. Go back to those conferences, events or people you learned from that left you in awe. What ideas are you brewing now?

3. What does your dream life look like?

You might keep a journal, a mood board, or a vision board on Pinterest of all you want to do in your life. If you have none of those, now’s the time to do so. Grab some magazines, or just put on your favorite playlist and meditate. Centre yourself on what you’ve been thinking about. 

If money and resources were not an issue, what would you do?

4. Who inspires you?

When getting to know your entrepreneurial spirit, listening is more important than speaking. Listen to yourself and to others. If you’re networking, pause and get to know everyone, and find out from the people around you, what entrepreneurship is like and what their favorite part is. Hey, maybe you’ll end up with a mentor! What entrepreneurs are you instantly feeling connected with? Are their success stories inspiring you to start your own thing?

5. What’s holding you back?

When was the last time you faced uncertainty, but you were in control? That’s kind of like considering being your own boss. You learn the skills as you go, yes (hello, Google), but you also have to get inspired by your inner child, ideas, dreams and professional desires. What types of problems or issues get your juices flowing? Is it fashion, accessories, education, injustice, animals, housing affordability – what’s a problem you face that you would love to fix?

Many preliminary and seemingly impossible daydreams have lead to a lot of creative – and successful businesses today.

Answering these questions got you excited, and inspired to start your own project but you feel stuck where you are, and not quite ready to take a leap (even to start with a little side hustle)? Self-doubt and fear might be holding you back from expressing your true entrepreneurial nature. As will the “stuff” you carry (we all do) that you keep pushing in front of you.

Reflect and review the activities above and get back to me to tell me all about what came up for you in your free coaching session.

It’s never too late to step into the entrepreneurial life.

Admitting you’re bored or uninspired is the first step! Get off the couch after work (and on the weekends), change out of your PJs and start getting inspired. If you journal and seize the moments outlined above you will soon uncover if entrepreneurship is for you and how. I promise!

3 easy steps to help you change careers

Hitting that metaphorical 9-to-5 wall, Groundhog Day, running on a hamster wheel of mindless work – choose a career cliché for how you’re feeling right now. Ok, so now what? 

You’re ready for a more dramatic change this year, and not just something small or incremental. It’s a new decade, and the pressure of a new decade living the same ten years all over again is not unusual for a perfectionist and overachiever – we do love to hold onto things.

Did you forget all of your accomplishments? Your efforts and achievements? 

You might be letting the inner critic ring it’s a bell on the hour every hour, and you might even be feeling confused about what your next step is, you’ve stopped dead – I get this all the time from my clients. You’re stuck, but you notice you really don’t want to feel that way anymore. Going through another year of the same thing is no longer an option, too much anxiety and overwhelm live there. 

How do you reclaim your power and take the next step mentally?

Guidance

Chances are you have some inclination towards change – you feel a tug, an itch or a pull. This emotional or internal guidance is there and it’s getting louder. You might worry about leaving where you are now will open the floodgates of new challenges, discomforts, or pessimism. However, from my experience, living in the past does that, but so does keeping the same routine on autopilot. Which do you prefer? Not nourishing your desires allows fear to grow instead.

There’s no “perfect” way to break through fear. There’s only taking one step at a time. It can be messy. Fear never really goes away, but it can be channelled into action. 

Human emotions are important messengers. Resistance is one tell-all sign that growth is necessary and the universe will eventually kick you out of your seat if you delay. That or you might be feeling the downside in your health, relationships, or stress levels. 

This is certainly true for me – and so many of my clients. One way fear keeps showing up for me is in disguise: perfectionism, procrastination, too much research, waiting for that moment when I’ll finally be *ready*. 

The problem is, that day usually NEVER comes.

That’s why those difficult emotions require reframing; you might not have the answers, but on the flip side to those emotions are opportunity, discovery, and change. You just need to hop over that fence (even in those fabulous new heels you’re wearing).

Does my Dream Job Really Exist?

Ultimately, it’s important to accept the fact there will never be the “perfect” job out there for you that will meet 100% of your needs, 100% of the time. And that’s okay! A lot of my clients get pretty darn close. One left her office job to train and become a trailguide around the world.

How do you know you’re ready for your career breakthrough this year? Here are 3 tell-tale signs:

#1 Acknowledge and investigate that itch.

Recognize there is a better job (or lifestyle) than the one you’re currently in, which you have yet to discover. Acknowledge that overwhelm, stress, and frustration of being undervalued and unappreciated where you are, is no way to live. 

A lot of people are unsatisfied where there are more than are willing to admit. The difference between you and most people is you want to do something about the itch. You can’t clock watch and go home to slump on your couch watching Netflix forever. You know you want to feel different – more energy, joy, laughter, perhaps even working outdoors. 

You have to be open to admitting your needs, to follow that “what-if” so that you can discover what you truly want to do, plan for it, and eventually take that leap!

#2 Reunite with what you enjoy.

what do you enjoy doing and what legacy do you want to leave behind? Who are you and where did you come from? What makes you laugh and what brought you true joy as a child? What do you enjoy doing most where the time goes by unnoticed? These are the deeper self-reflective questions you want to answer as you come to terms with the idea that yes, you will be acting on a change sometime in the near future. 

When we’ve become accustomed to something for so long it’s easy to mistake it as comfortable. Detachment becomes confused with familiar. You might be on autopilot and bored, but fall back on the justification that this is just the way it is. It shouldn’t be! 

If you don’t feel joy, you have to ask yourself why you’re allowing it? Perhaps you need to work through feelings of worthiness and give yourself permission to plan and change your life trajectory. You too can make a #Megxit from the dysfunctional royal family. 

#3 You’re open to change

You’re determined, curious, and open-minded. You want (and maybe have) to try something new. What you’re currently in is definitely a “no”, a temporary blip in your important larger journey towards a more meaningful life. You desire something, perhaps you know or perhaps you want to find it, and that something is not waiting for you at the desk you currently loiter at or the meeting room you constantly yawn through. 

You have achievements, networks, and support; you also have ideas and dreams that have been ignored. Understanding how action can turn those ideas is the next step – and it’s closer than you think. 

If you feel like you’re going through a breakthrough then you’re ready to get your hands dirty. Don’t fight it, embrace it and acknowledge the feelings behind it, not just mentally and emotionally but also physically through action, even if a small step forward. You can no longer waste time resisting the message. Or else, experience eternal déjà vu as you watch others live the life you want to be living, and that’s no way to live at all! You have so much to offer the world. Stop dimming your inner light.

In the end, you can’t break through without letting go. You have to make space to embrace the new. Your future life is waiting for you, one that’s more soulful, enjoyable and true to the real you, and not the one you feel you have to be for others. 

You know you are an overachiever who’s multi-talented and creative – that genius in you is sitting dormant. If you’re ready, I’d love to hear about your dreams. 

Fear or not, you can’t say “no” to that inner voice any longer.