Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
What to do when someone hurts your feelings
Throughout my life I had my share of people hurting me, and I can say with absolute certainty that I’m not alone in that. We all get hurt. At certain times though it felt as if being hurt was the natural state of my life, never understanding what I was doing wrong to deserve it, feeling pretty sorry for myself, with no clue at all about what to do when someone hurt my feelings.
Then a few months ago, someone that was pretty close to me lashed out at me, out of nowhere, quite literally in the middle of the night. The incredible thing was that I didn’t feel all that hurt about it, and the hurt that I did feel went away quickly… In the past few years i’ve become much more self-aware. Of my feelings, what I’m made of, what I stand for, and what I believe in. I also started to love myself – finally, and through this process what hurts me, and how I react to other people’s not-so-fun behavior towards me has drastically changed.
This post is an attempt to share what I’ve learned along the way about what to do when someone hurts your feelings, and how a shift in perspective, and true love for yourself makes all the difference.
#1 Who’s hurt you
No two hurts are the same. Depending on the person who hurts you, you’re reaction will be different. Whether you’re full of self-love or not, some people just get to you faster, and deeper than others. My husband for instance doesn’t have to use that many words to hurt my feelings, while some distant relative or acquaintance will have a much harder time shaking my world.
At least that’s the case today.
As a recovering people-pleaser things were pretty different before. When all I wanted was for everyone to like me (never gonna happen lady!), anyone could hurt my feelings – easily. All it took was a few words. It’s only when I learned that I couldn’t possibly be liked by everyone that the hurt started to go down. But that’s not where the biggest transformation happened.
Things really started to shift when I understood it was OK for me not to like everyone either!
When I realized this a lot of the hurt went away on it’s own, and ever since before letting feelings of hurt get to me, I ask myself if I really care about the person who’s doing the hurting. If not, I drop the hurt feelings, and sometimes the person too.
#2 How have they hurt you
There are many ways someone can hurt you. That’s why this is such an important question to ask yourself when you think someone has.
Very often feelings of hurt are a result of our own wounds, and weaknesses. So again, not all hurts are equal. Did someone say something that triggered you? Or was she actually mean to you?
It’s important to be aware of this two main reasons. First, you don’t want to blame someone for something they didn’t do. Then, especially when there’s an internal trigger, you want to use the opportunity to grow. Nobody wants to keep nasty triggers for life, right? So getting clear on what sets you off by analyzing your feelings can help you to grow as a person. And, like knowing who’s hurt you, will help alleviate the hurt itself as well.
#3 You’re in control of your reaction
I believe that in life there are two kinds of events: the ones that you have control over, and the ones that you don’t. How people treat you is part of the latter, but how you react to it isn’t. You have control over that. In fact, when it comes to ourselves, and our feelings, there are many choices we can make because we’re almost always in control.
We can choose not to believe our thoughts, we can choose to feel good even when things don’t go our way, we can even choose to forgive someone who hurt us (more on that below). What we can definitely choose is how we react when someone’s hurt our feelings.
This may sound difficult, maybe even impossible to you. Believe me, it sounded like that to me for a long time as well. Until I realized nobody was actually making my choices for me, hence nobody – whatever they had done to me – could make me feel anything. Only I could do that. Of course having someone hurt your feelings always stings a little. But I’ve learned not to let it get to me or giving it a lot of thought, by asking myself one simple question, something that an anxious mind like mine welcomes with open arms, believe me. How do I want to feel?
#4 Is it worth working things out
Let’s say it’s not an inner trigger that is causing you to feel hurt, but a not-so-fun thing someone said or did to you. Let’s also say this is not a random person, but someone you know or that you can’t simply forget about.
The question to ask yourself now is whether it’s worth working things out with them or not. Is this person worth your time, and do you want to keep them in your life?
This may sound like a very selfish question, but I believe it isn’t. It’s a self-love question. We’re not meant to be for everyone. This implies that not everyone is meant for us either. Just like you have control over how you react to things, so you do about who you allow, or don’t allow into your life. Someone hurting your feelings, especially if it’s deeply or more than once, asks you to consider the relationship, and what it’s worth to you. Is this a reciprocal relationship? Are you happy with it? Would you rather not have this person in your life? Are you the sole giver, or are you also getting in return? These are important questions to determine whether or not it’s worth working things out. If it doesn’t feel right, you have the right to move on.
#5 Forgiveness is an inside job
Finally, when all is said and done, you can choose to forgive the person that hurt you. Not working things out, and moving on are not the same thing as forgiveness. The big thing to understand about forgiveness is that it’s an inside job.
Forgiveness is about you, not the other person. The reason is that all the feelings you walk around with are your own. In most cases, the people hurting us are unaware of our inner life. And when they aren’t what they know of it is usually the tip of the iceberg…
Yet we think we’re punishing them when we’re angry, sad, frustrated. We don’t tell them anything, but we walk around with all those feelings, expecting them to magically know about it, and suffer as we do. Or we’ve put an end to the relationship but still we carry those feelings with us, they linger on, weigh us down. That’s why forgiveness is important. Not for the salvation of someone else’s soul, but to free your own. And that’s why I try to practice it as much as I can, whatever anyone has done to me. Not to heal them, but to heal myself.
In the end what it comes down to for me is, when someone hurts my feelings I’m the one in control. This means I don’t have to “take” anything from that person, not her behavior (obviously) but also not the feelings of hurt she’s given me, not the frustrations or sadness, not even the relationship if I don’t feel it serves me anymore.
When someone hurts my feelings what I do is take control, do everything I can to heal myself, to learn, and move on.
How about you? What do you do when someone hurts your feelings? Do let me know below, I really want to know.
7 best planners to achieve your goals
The new year is just around the corner, the best time to start setting some new goals for yourself. Making the decision to do something might be easy, but sticking to them throughout the year is always the hard part. If you want to get closer to achieving your dreams this year, you need to get organized. And the right planner can make you to do just that.
When I choose a planner I look for a number of specific things, of which the major ones are: clear overviews for months, weeks, to-dos and task lists, great paper quality, enough writing space, interesting prompts, and most important of all systems that help me to create, and achieve really big goals!
Based on those criteria I’ve put together a list of what I consider to be the 7 best planners to achieve your goals in 2017.
The Clever Fox Planner is an agenda, daily planner, gratitude journal and goal-setting tool all rolled into one. That’s why I feel it deserves to be #1 on this list. According to its designers – a team of five passionate online entrepreneurs – this planner is the solution for anyone looking to boost their productivity and hit their goals while also increasing their happiness through self-development.
Vitaly, one of the creators of this unique planner, explains:
We are all about productivity and personal development, so we knew we needed a system to track our goals and to help us increase our performance (and overall quality of life). As true believers that pen and paper works wonders to program our subconscious mind, our quest lead us to paper planners.
Vitaly and his team tried out several productivity planners on the market, and although those were great, they knew something was missing. Either the planners were only for 3 or 6 months (while they wanted a 12 month planner), either the planner lacked some very important features (such as a habit tracker or yearly goal focus section), or they did not have enough space for notes, to-dos or goals. In the end, for lack of finding the planner that would 100% satisfy Vitaly and his team’s needs, they decided to create it for themselves. That’s how The Clever Fox Planner was born.
I love The Clever Fox Planner for many reasons. The most important ones are that you can start with this planner any day of the year thanks to its unmarked calendar, that each weekly overview comes with its own habit tracking section, to-do list, main goal and priorities overview, and room to reflect on your week’s wins and lessons learned.
At the beginning of the planner you’ll find a gratitude and self-awareness section, a page to add your daily rituals and affirmations, a double-sided spread to create a vision board. The planner also included a double spread for your life and business goals followed by an overview page to list your five most important goals of the year, and a mind map section.
I also have great news for bullet journal fans (and note takers like moi). The end of the planner has a large section of dotted pages. Perfect to bullet journal, keep notes, organize your thoughts, track ideas and so much more. A must-have for any planner lover if you ask me!
This structured planner is designed to help you navigate your passions, transform them into reachable goals, and define a roadmap to achieve them.
Founder and designer of the Passion Planner Angelia Trinidad says:
I wanted to help people overcome that feeling by making a tool that sat them down to clearly define their goals and dreams, break them down into more actionable steps, and then write them in a place that they would see and use everyday.
Angelina shares her story about the planner here.
I love the Passion Planner because it really delivers on its promise. It has super simple directions on how to use it and why, a monthly calendar view for each month (which I cannot live without!), and pages for reflections. The reflection section is what makes this planner really unique. And I love that on the right side there’s a blank area for you to get really creative – brain dump, draw, create a mind map, write notes. Anything you need to achieve your goals!
#3 Day Designer
The Day Designer is really a work of art. It’s beautiful, intuitive, and has so much space for everything! I like the classic look of this planner (how can you say no to a black, white, and gold combo?!)
Whitney English created this planner because she saw a void in organizational tools for fellow female entrepreneurs. You can check the Day Designer story here.
The first pages of the Day Designer offer different worksheets, each designed to help you find out your personal skills, values, vision, passions, and strengths. Yes, it’s very important to understand yourself in order to achieve your goals!
The planner gives each day a separate page, except for Saturday and Sunday, which share one page. Each weekday, Monday through Friday, has an hourly schedule from 5am to 9pm (great for early birds!), op 3 to-do prompts, a general to-do list (checklist), an inspiration quote, dinner planning, a spot to record daily gratitude, notes and more.
The Day Designer has a monthly calendar with beautiful tabs and daily pages for your appointments/meetings, a to-do list, and a section to remember your projects and deadlines. This planner is an extremely helpful tool to help organize all of your goals, ideas, tasks, thoughts, and even memories!
I love the Daily Greatness journals, and planners! They’re between Leonie Dawson’s workbooks, and more mainstream daily or monthly planners, and offer a well of incredible tools to gain clarity, work on your goals, and achieve more!
I particularly love the Business Planner, who has literally everything you need to be launch a new business, or elevate an existing one to the next level. It’s so good, that I recommend it to almost all of my business coaching clients!
This year, Daily Greatness came out with a new Yoga Journal, and Parents Journal. Absolutely worth checking out if you’re looking for more structure in your life, business or both.
#5 Inkwell Press LiveWell Planner
The Inkwell Press Livewell Planner is an absolutely delightful planner. My favorite part of this planner is the focus on goal setting and productivity. At the beginning of the planner, there‘s a section for planning your yearly goals. Every month has a mission board for setting new goals in areas such as Personal Goals, House Plans, and Health and Fitness. Each month also comes with note pages, and you can reflect on the past month and plan for the next.
There are also some fun features at the back of the planner: a gift list, travel records, a books and/or movies list, a monthly bill tracker, and a section where you can record important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.).
The Inkwell Livewell Planner is a colorful, playful, and very feminine planner.
#6 Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map Planner
Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map Planner not only helps you plan your to-do list, but also inspires you to feel the way you want to feel. This is soulful planning at its best, and a core piece of setting goals successfully!
The Planner was created by Danielle LaPorte. Here’s what she says about the planner:
I’m going to say something a bit audacious and salesy-sounding. Here goes: The Evergreen Desire Map Day Planner could totally uplift your life. Because being mindful, reflective, honest, optimistic, on time, and at least a bit organized — is a daily deal. The inspired and “together” life you dream of has got to have practical applications. This is it. A Day Planner that incorporates your soul and your to-do list; your core desired feelings and your goals; your gratitude and your plans for change.
The Desire Map Planner leads you to focus on your soul, life, and goals. The planner will help you to keep track of small and large intentions in your personal and professional life, take better care of yourself, focus on your mindset, creative ideas, and feel grateful throughout 2017!
Are you looking for a planner that can do it all?
Erin Condren Life Planner is full of tools you can use to plan your year. This planner is created to help you set goals, figure out what you truly want and take charge of your life.
What makes the Erin Condren Life Planner (even more) awesome is that you can totally customize your planner to make it unique:
You can choose between a neutral or colorful interior. You can pick a cover, or interchange them by purchasing different beautiful laminated ones and change them depending on your mood.
You can decide between different weekly layouts ( vertical / horizontal / hourly) and 12 or 18 month options. Every new month has a beautiful internal cover page with inspiring words.
Once you open the planner, you’ll see the year-at-a-glance pages. There are 12 boxes that are perfect for writing (and keeping track of!) your monthly goals.
An entire week is spread across two pages (from Monday to Sunday) and each day features a lined section. After all of the monthly/weekly spreads in the planner, you will find the notes section.
You will also get two pages with stickers (birthday, vacation, days off, and so on). Another feature is the Perpetual Calendar where you can write down all important dates, and it’s really great because you can take it from planner to planner.
All of this makes the Erin Condren planner very easy to use, super functional, and absolutely beautiful and unique at the same time!
Now do tell me. Do you use a daily or monthly planner? What’s your favorite, and why? In the comments below, share how you plan and organize your days. I’d really love to know.
7 easy things you can do to release anxiety (immediately)
In the past years, I’ve worked really hard to overcome my anxieties, to stop the worry chatter in my head. Along the way, through my coaching practice, I’ve also helped a lot of women overcome their anxieties, fears, worries.
Through this work, I’ve learned that anxiety can be lessened, sometimes even cured entirely, but that to do so you need to change one or more aspects of your life.
What Is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a terribly unpleasant feeling of fear, worry or even panic. When we’re anxious we feel stressed out, our heart pounds in our chest, our breathing changes, our mind goes into overdrive, with what seems like millions of thoughts per second. Or we’re so focused on one fearful thought or experience, that we can’t get it out of our head, as if it was haunting us! We get up with it in the morning, we go to bed with it at night. This can last for hours, days, weeks on end. Believe me, I know, I’ve been there many times.
The thing is, everyone experiences anxiety sometimes. We all inevitably worry about ordinary, day-to-day issues, such as health, family, work, money. That’s perfectly OK.
When Fear Or Worry Won’t Let Go
The problem starts when you can’t seem to shake a fearful, negative thought or when – even after a particular experience has ended – it remains in your mind, and you still worry about it. Another expression of anxiety, one that I struggled with for a long time (still do sometimes) is worrying about all possible, negative scenarios concerning an experience (past or present), a person, or a thing.
Most of the excessive worry is irrational, yet the fear or worry won’t let go. Unpleasant to say the least, often difficult to live with, anxiety can be mild or strong depending on a number of factors, ranging from higher emotional awareness, sensitivity to stress, family history, trauma, or even genes.
Your environment, what you eat, the amount of sleep you get, the people you surround yourself with… all of these things can also have an impact on your level of anxiety.
7 Easy Things You Can Do To Release Anxiety (Immediately)
Throughout the years I’ve learned how to deal with my anxiety, and worry much more efficiently. The good news is, there are simple and effective ways to get rid of big chunks of anxiety, calm the brain, relax the body, get back on track with your life. Some start working right away, while others need more practice, may help lessen anxiety over time.
1. Get Enough Sleep
Women often don’t get as much sleep as they need or don’t sleep well. But sleep is designed specifically to help control stress. It’s something you should never skip on purpose.
Go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time each morning (even on the weekends). Try to schedule a full seven to nine hours of snooze time every day.
When I don’t get my eight hours of sleep I’m not just tired, I’m more anxious too, I even get a tat depressed (another symptom of anxiety to some people).
2. Eat Well-Balanced Meals
Give the body the support it needs. You should limit your intake of rich, fatty, or spicy food, especially during your evening meal.
Try to eat more products that contain vitamin B, omega-3s, healthy whole-grain carbohydrates.
A morning glass of green juice can get you on the right side of calm. You can try this recipe (which is one of my favorites) for a guaranteed mood-booster: combine one banana or green apple, sliced ginger, a bunch of kale, one lime, cucumber slices, a few ice cubes, a cup of water to a blender or juicer. For more protein add an egg, yogurt, nuts, or protein powder.
3. Get Rid of Clutter
A messy workspace or home can make it difficult to relax. Make a habit of keeping things clean and anxiety-free. Take 10 minutes to tidy up your living space or work area every day. I don’t do this nearly enough, but when I do the feeling of bliss that comes over me when things are neat and tidy is incredible.
If you have too much stuff cluttering up your living or work space, try this quick hack for instant clean-up madness:
Choose just one drawer, cabinet or closet to clean out
Take everything out
Categorize the stuff you don’t use (I usually get rid of anything I haven’t used for four consecutive seasons) by making three piles for items to throw away, to donate, to sell
Only put back the stuff you use
Get rid of the throw-aways immediately, mark your calendar for the ones to donate or to sell
4. Meditate
Meditation or mindfulness training can help you learn how to better cope with stress. One aspect of anxiety is racing thoughts that won’t go away. Meditation helps with this part of the problem by quieting the overactive mind. Or it will teach you how to not let yourself be affected by your thoughts, which is my case.
Give yourself the gift of serenity, start the day with 10 to 20 minutes of solitude and positive energy.
I’m a big fan of transcendental meditation. It has helped with my anxiety tremendously, amazing results from a practice of two times 20 minutes a day.
5. Hold Your Breath
Yoga breathing has been shown to be effective in lowering stress and anxiety. There is a classic yoga breathing technique “The 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise”, also called “The Relaxing Breath”. This was one of the first breathing techniques I was every introduced too, long before I was practicing transcendental meditation, or any other effective anxiety-relieving method, I was using this technique successfully.
One reason it works is that you can’t breathe deeply and be anxious at the same time. How great, right? To do the 4-7-8 breath:
Sit comfortably in a straight up position.
Exhale through your mouth, making a ‘whoosh’ sound.
Close your mouth, inhale quietly through your nose for 4 seconds.
Hold your breath for 7 seconds.
Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound for 8 seconds.
This is one breath. Now inhale again, repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.
6. Get Hot
Heating up your body reduces muscle tension, anxiety. One of the symptoms of my anxiety has always been muscle stiffness. When I get stressed, my muscles contract without me realizing it. This puts a lot of pressure on my body.
Take a long bath or hot shower, you may find that your anxiety decreases right away (it does with me).
Warming up may be one of the ways that exercise – not to mention curling up by a fire with a cozy cup of tea – boosts your mood.
7. Create a Vision Board for Your Anxiety-Free Life
If you believe that positive things are going to happen, they usually do! I’m a big believer in visualization. One way to enjoy the benefits of visualization is to create a vision board. This is a type of blueprint for the kind of life you’d like to create for yourself.
It’s important to make sure that your vision board not only holds the vision you have for your life, but also reflects the feelings you want to see come forward when you’re actually enjoying that life, looking at the board.
When it comes to anxiety, your vision board should be about things that calm you down. Sounds crazy, I know, but it really does work!
You can also try to make an e-vision board using Pinterest for some Pinspiration. Keep this vision board within your reach. Look at it with love, know that each time you see it, you’ll feel grounded, happy, calm.
Remember, life isn’t something to take too seriously. Often when we worry, that’s all we do. Everything is so serious, so scary, so fearful. When I’m working my way through anxiety, I try to remember to make time to do something I truly enjoy: read a book, talk to a friend, craft, learn something new.
Especially when your anxious, it’s important to find balance in your life focus on the good things that surround you.
Looking forward to hearing from you below. So do tell me, what works to reduce your anxiety? How do you deal with worry?
FREE MEMBERS: DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE ANXIETY WORKSHEET
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How to overcome your fear of conflict
For as long as I can remember, I hated conflict. Until well into my adulthood, I was unable to confront anyone about anything in a more or less decent way. I would keep things bottled up for as long as I could, until there wasn’t any room left to bottle any more. Then, everything would come out. In those moments I’d change from a nice, and understanding woman into a nasty, and irrational version of myself.
After a confrontation had taken place, when I would calm down, my opponents would tell me that I couldn’t handle criticism, that there was no way to reason with me during those phases of anger. And of course they were right.
Fear of conflict is a complex issue
It took me a long time to see that I had an issue with conflict. I thought I was good at it, strengthened by the fact that I had almost no conflict in my life. Until I understood that it was not diplomatic skills, or perfect negotiation abilities that made it so, but rather that I did everything I could to avoid conflict. Always. Everywhere. At all costs.
As a recovering people-pleaser, and a highly sensitive person, I’ve come to believe that my fear of conflict shares its origin with my people-pleasing, and perfectionistic tendencies. In fact, I’ve been able to pinpoint four factors that greatly contributed to me being so afraid of conflict:
#1 I’ve had to deal with conflict growing up
Throughout my childhood, I’ve been witness to, and victim of conflict, mostly because of the recurring, often hurtful confrontations between my parents. So my childhood didn’t feel safe. In fact, I grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t dealt with properly, where anger wasn’t allowed, where anxiety was all around. As a result, I’d become totally conflict averse, and have not learned to stand up for myself in a healthy, positive way.
#2 Unresolved conflict shaped me as a people-pleaser
Because conflict was never resolved at home – just suppressed until the next outburst – early on I started to internalize this conflict anxiety until I believed all of it was my fault. I became a people-pleaser as a means to try and solve the recurring conflicts. Of course other events, and experiences helped shape my people-pleasing behavior, but consistently being exposed to lingering conflict at such an early age definitely played a big part in it. Trying to please everyone became so important to me, that I couldn’t stand the idea of someone being mad at me. So I became even more afraid of conflict. How ironic, right?
#3 People-pleasing led to perfectionism
Trying to please everyone all the time quickly led to perfectionism. As much as I hated the idea of anyone being mad at me, I hated the idea of losing self-control even more. Still in an effort to resolve the conflicts at home, through people-pleasing trials and errors that led me nowhere, I developed a cruel version of a perfect self. I convinced myself that once I’d be that girl, all would finally be well. But because that girl didn’t get angry, was always composed, accepted everything without complaining it became impossible for me to stand up for myself. By this stage I wasn’t just afraid of conflict, I’d also rationalized why it was imperative to avoid it at all costs.
#4 Avoidance of conflict hurt my self-confidence
Growing up with unresolved, lingering conflict, and developing people-pleasing behavior, I wasn’t able to build a strong foundation for self-confidence. When you keep on trying to fix something that is not in your power to fix, and keep blaming yourself for it, you’re like Sisyphus, eternally trying to roll a rock up a mountain. I felt something was deeply wrong with me, otherwise why would this situation persist? This only made things worse. I wasn’t just afraid of someone being mad at me, or of shattering the picture-perfect image of myself. Because of my low self-confidence I also became terrified of the result of confrontations. Because of my lack of self-confidence, the potential retaliation was unbearable to me, a source of much of my anxieties. Having never witnessed conflict being resolved in a positive way, I was terrified by what the other person would do when I stood up for myself by confronting them.
How to overcome your fear of conflict
In my case, the healing process started when I understood the underlying dynamics that caused me to fear conflict so much. By doing that work I was confronted with my lack of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love.
Having worked my way through understanding fear, overcoming fear, and helping my clients get through their fears, I believe (as Susan Jeffers so beautifully said in her magnificent book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway) that all our fears come down to one and the same thing: we’re all afraid we won’t be able to handle it. That we’ll be all alone.
What if I told you that from now on until the end of your life, whatever comes your way, good or bad, you’ll be able to handle it. Would you be afraid of anything?
Probably not.
But when you lack self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love like I did, it’s hard to believe that you can handle anything, let alone conflict. So you’re afraid of it. Like I was. And you don’t engage in it, desperately trying to avoid:
people thinking bad of you,
people not liking you,
people seeing through your picture-perfect self,
people retaliating,
and so on…
… so that you could finally be loved, because you’ve convinced yourself you’re not lovable to begin with.
The way out of fear is through self-confidence (and self-love)
Conflict is unavoidable. You’re not alone on the planet, there are people all around you at work, and at home. You’re a social being that interacts with other social beings. So you’re bound to run into things that are unpleasant, and that you need to defend yourself for, or confront another person about. And that’s OK. It happens every day all around the world.
Some people are actually pretty good at handling conflict, and resolving confrontations in a positive way. What differentiates those people from how I used to be is their level of self-confidence.
When they confront someone, their self is not in jeopardy. Whatever comes out of that conflict will not dictate how much people love them, or more importantly, how much they love themselves. By believing in themselves first, and having a healthy dose of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem, these people can work their way through conflict in a healthy way.
Self-confidence means trusting yourself
Whatever your level of self-confidence today, you have the ability to work on dealing with conflict more easily. And it all starts with trusting yourself.
The more you believe in yourself, the less you’ll be affected by:
what other people think of you,
by people not liking,
by not being perfect all the time,
by how people might retaliate,
and so on…
Or, as Gary Vaynerchuk says (slightly paraphrasing here Gary, hope that’s OK), they put zero weight into anyone’s opinion about themselves, because they know exactly who they are.
What a powerful statement, right? Bathed in a tremendous amount of self-awareness, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love. And that’s exactly what you need to focus on to overcome your fear of conflict.
Now it’s your turn. In the comments below, let me know what your biggest fear is when it comes to conflict. How do you deal with it? What’s been helpful when you needed to stand up for yourself?
How to recognize false confidence and what to do about it.
If you’re a little familiar with my blog, you probably know that I’m currently entangled in a rather large financial issue that wrongfully landed on my shoulders.
So far, I’ve been good at dealing with the fears, and anxieties that usually result from such unpleasant affairs. That is, I’ve been good at dealing with it until last week, when the first correspondence about the case made its way into my mailbox, and I was confronted with an account of events that absolutely didn’t match my reality.
I’ve worked hard these past few years to achieve inner peace, and a chatter free mind. And I thought I was on top of it, that I nailed it big time. I even wrote about it a few weeks ago.
Then Friday I get an email. And all of a sudden I’m not so sure anymore. Where I can usually stop the chatter in an instant, my inner voice now lingers on. Instead of quieting down, she becomes louder and louder. That night, I don’t sleep. I can’t keep the voice out of my head, I’m anxious, and afraid.
And I don’t understand why. Then I remember.
I’m a recovering people-pleaser.
For the biggest part of my life the only thing that I wanted was for people to like me, to tell me I did a good job. I spent most of my waking hours trying to look like the perfect picture of myself.
When I was a people-pleaser I dreaded criticism like it was a deadly disease, something I had to avoid at all costs.
Whenever someone would criticize me, it felt like I was dying inside. Being anything short of perfect was unbearable to me. Of course, it was living that way that was unbearable, not the criticism. Trying to achieve perfection in every aspect of my life was so time-consuming that it kept me from focusing on what actually mattered: what I really wanted.
The thing is, I thought that I was over that. I thought I had learned to deal with it, and that I’d become confident enough in myself that I didn’t need that external validation anymore. Until last Friday.
You’re never at the end of your journey
These past few days, I’ve been questioning myself and my so-called confidence, wondering how I could find myself in such a shitty spot again, after having worked on myself for so many years. That’s when I came across a beautiful article about the confidence of visionaries that my fellow BYCA coach, and online buddy Victoria posted on her blog a few weeks ago. In it she talks about what true confidence looks like, and how that differs from what she calls false confidence.
After reading her article it all started to make sense to me. I’m not afraid of the outcome of the issue (I’ve come to terms with that, it’ll be what it’ll be), and I’m not anxious about the process (a very masculine, and structured system with well-defined steps).
No, what bothers me about it is the fact that someone on this earth might think that I’m not perfect after all. Because if I indeed was perfect, so my inner critic tells me, then I wouldn’t be bothered with this issue to begin with, even if I have nothing to do with it, like it’s the case now. Yes I know, total craziness right there! But that’s unfortunately how people-pleasing works.
This is where the concept of false confidence comes in. In her article, Victoria has a beautiful way of putting it. She talks about false confidence as acknowledging and owning your “good” parts, but not your “unacceptable” shady parts. Those parts, as people-pleasers know, are the ones we work so hard to hide – our flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities, afraid that all hell will break loose if anyone ever found out that we’re not perfect after all.
What happened to me last Friday was the harsh reveal of my false confidence. A big slap in the face, yet also one of the most important lessons I got to learn this year (and I do learn a lot of lessons!).
Aversion to criticism leads to aversion to conflict
Being able to recognize this false confidence as the hiding place of my “cured” perfectionism, that only lasts as long as this picture perfect of myself is not being threatened, is very powerful. Add to that the aversion to conflict (in direct connection with the aversion to criticism) that most people-pleasers suffer from, and you can imagine why being wrongfully for something I have to defend myself for, but have nothing to do with, turned out to be the catalyst of this painful realization.
This is the heart of the issue. I was stripped of my false sense of confidence because I was forced to defend myself. Because I’m conflict averse, and have been avoiding conflict so much all my life, I really suck at it.
It brings so many negative feelings up in me, with all of them directed at myself. Including the healthy anger that I might have towards the people or situation putting me into this unpleasant spot.
But there’s no room for blaming others. As a people-pleaser the only one I’m blaming is me. For not being perfect. Because if I was perfect, this wouldn’t be happening to me.
True/deep/real confidence is a state in which we’re all-accepting of ourselves. A state in which we’re not trying to be anything other than we are, and know that – however flawed we may think we are – deep down we know we’re just fine. This doesn’t mean we believe that we’re perfect. We’re all human, remember? What it means is simply that it’s all OK. There’s no perfection to be attained, no rules on how to being human, no external validation to aim for.
In the end there’s only you
When I reminded myself of this, a new sense of calm came over me. The fear, the anxiety that had suddenly showed up subsided. Why? Because they can only exist, and persist in the realm of the imperfect. The realm where you think you need fixing, or aren’t good enough.
As soon as I became all accepting of the fact that I’m not – and will never be – what other people think of me, and that in fact, I am who I am and that’s just fine, my inner critic went to bed. And I was able to sleep again.
If you’re a (recovering) people-pleaser, or you’re on a journey similar to mine, I want you to know that:
You’re doing great just by recognizing how you operate, and actively working on yourself,
You’re doing great, even when you think you aren’t, because this is a journey filled with lessons,
You’re doing great, because people-pleasing or not, you’re fine just the way you are…
I hope these words help you to find more joy, and happiness in your life. In the comments below, let me know what your take is on false confidence. I’d love to hear your story.
Why it’s Important For Women to Gather in Sisterhood. And How to Create it For Yourself.
For the biggest part of my life I wished I was a man.
It wasn’t until a personal tragedy woke me up in 2010, that I realized all I’d done was to live my life in the most masculine way possible.
Very early on in my life I made up my mind about the world, and concluded that being a boy would be so much easier than being a girl. I saw boys play, scream their lungs out, climb trees… and never being reprimanded for it. While I was being told to be careful, not to venture too high, to be quiet, to be nice.
What it’s like to be a woman in a male dominated world
Throughout my childhood I feel that I was groomed to fit into traditional gender roles, but with the added difficulty that I was also told to go out and get a job, to be ambitious, and to make it. I know I’m not alone in this. Especially in the West, millions of women are suffering the results of being brought up in a male dominated culture, where we’re being told that competition, success at all costs, and being the winner can coexist perfectly with our feminine qualities such as compassion and love, and even motherhood.
It simply isn’t so.
Of course it’s true that many women retain their feminine qualities, and that a whole lot of us give birth (duh!), and become mothers, but I’d like to argue that this happens despite the world we live in. Our world does not run on compassion, or love.
Our world runs on oil, not on coconuts; on profit, not on charity; on money, not on gifts; on competition, rather than collaboration; and on opposition, rather than support.
And that’s why women need to gather in sisterhood
Something I realized after having spent years of my life trying to become part of the o’ boys club. It would never happen. I was not a man. And even though I was playing by the rules, living my life, and building my businesses in the most masculine way possible, I was never really one of them.
In a male dominated culture, women can never really win. We start out with a handicap that we can never make up for. Even if we try our hardest, succeed in business, throw all of our compassion and love out the door, and toughen up like we’re supposed to, we’ll never live up to society’s expectations simply because we’ll always just be women.
When I understood this, my world broke open. Having thought of myself as a feminist all my life, I realized I had been the worst one at it. I had tried so hard to be a man that I despised myself for being a woman. In fact, I had forgotten how to be a woman. I had completely alienated myself from my feminine, that I had lost all sense of what it meant to be one.
The power of sisterhood
So I went in search. First of myself and my womanhood, then of my sisters. And what I found was nothing short of extraordinary.
#1 Women need women
After waking up to the fact that it was time to fully be a woman, and ever since I started my coaching practice, I realized how much women need women. Many studies have been devoted to the benefits of friendships, especially among women. In one such study, women with a strong, supportive circle of friends had much greater chances of survival than women who where socially isolated.
But there is more, much more.
#2 Sisterhood means deep, emotional connections
We are all social animals, and women especially thrive better when they have a sense of belonging, and community. Through sisterhood, women are able to make deep, and lasting emotional connections. At it’s most basic level, an emotional connection is how we give and receive the emotional support we all need. Emotional support means you’re being seen, being heard, being understood. It’s one of the most healing things we can experience, and something we get from sisterhood.
#3 Sisterhood is empowering
Science has long established that sisterhood is good for your health. But that’s not the whole story. Sisterhood goes way beyond the realm of the physical. In sisterhood women are empowered. Because in sisterhood you’re essential, and what you say, feel, and think matters. Being supported is a big part of sisterhood. You know others have your back, which allows you to stand in your own power more easily, and become the leader of your own life.
#4 Together is freeing
When women are supported like they are in trustworthy women groups, many of them talk about a new sense of freedom. I’ve spend many hours talking about this with women in my work, and what they often tell me is that they felt as if nobody was judging them, as if they could be themselves 100%. And I love that, because what they’re experiencing is exactly that. Gathered in sisterhood we’re able to shed our masculine skins, and to experience our feminine qualities fully. It’s scary at first, I know it was for me, but being together this way is so freeing! There’s nothing quite like it.
How to create sisterhood for yourself?
When I realized the masculine state I was in, I set myself out to rediscover what it meant to be a woman, and to create a tribe of women to gather with. Although it took a while to accomplish, it really wasn’t all that hard. Since, well… women are all around us!
Be pro-active about getting in touch with the women in your life: when I decided I wanted women in my life, I took matters into my own hands. Instead of waiting for women to walk into my life (which honestly never happens), I decided to be pro-active about it, and (re)connect with women myself. I called or emailed all the women I’d known throughout my life that I liked, and from there build up relationships with them (again). With some, beautiful friendships emerged while with others, not so much. But that’s totally OK. So much so, that it has become a habit that I really cherish. Whenever I meet a woman that I feel a connection with, I’ll get in touch and see where sisterhood can take me.
Focus on women, not men: following the previous point, another habit I’ve made my own, is to focus on women, not men in social situations. I feel that this is a very important part of this work – and being a woman actually – that women have not learned. Before, when I was in my masculine, when I would go to a business event or any other social happening, I would mostly talk to men, and give my attention to them. Now I do the opposite, and focus on women. I’ve made some amazing friends this way, and every time it’s a beautiful reminder not only that I am, in fact, a woman, but it also helps me to keep choosing compassion, and love over competition, and fear.
Choose the women you want to surround yourself with: the saying goes that you become the five people you surround yourself with. I believe the same is true for becoming a powerful woman, and sister. If you’re being as intentional as I am about new female friendships, you have the right to pick who you want to surround yourself with (actually you always have that right). By choosing women that share the same values as you, that uplift you, and love you, you’re allowing powerful forces into your life. And that’s precisely the point!
Don’t be afraid to go deep, and to love: making deep connections with women is not superficial, it’s not a gathering of women to gossip, to make each other jealous, to exchange platitudes. We have enough of that in the world already, don’t we? No, stepping into the sister circle means that you’re willing to go deep, and to love fully, with all that you are, visible, vulnerable. It’s a conscious choice that you have to make. Sisterhood, deep connections with other women, is not something that happens to you, it’s something that you willfully create.
Leave our male dominated culture at the door: following the previous point, it’s important to mention that in sisterhood the male dominated world must be left behind. Even during my Sisterhood Retreats, where we come together in powerful, and sometimes very pragmatic gatherings on topics such as mindset, fears, goals, we come at it from a beautiful feminine place. Through sisterhood we unlearn what we’ve been told about the world – that it’s a harsh place for women, where competition and jealousy rule the relationships we have with each other – to come out on the other side anew, empowered, supported, and knowing that we’re not alone in this, and that together we can achieve anything.
If you want to experience how powerful it is to gather this way, why not come to my next Sisterhood Retreat, a yearly event in the heart of Paris (France) for women to come together, support each other, and achieve their goals.
Feeling like you could do more in your business or career if you only had some guidance?
I offer private coaching to help women unleash their inner power and create success on their own terms. With my help, you can learn how to use your feminine power to get what you want in life. You don’t have to do this alone – let me show you the ropes!
Imagine what it would feel like to finally achieve the success you know is possible for yourself. Picture yourself confidently taking charge of any situation and getting what you want out of life. It’s time to make your dreams a reality – sign up for coaching with me today!
How to stop making excuses for yourself
I was talking to a friend last week about how hard it is for her to stay on track with her goals. She came to me desperate to find a schedule that would work for her, claiming she never has enough time to work on her goals.
But more than that, during our conversation I noticed how she kept making excuses for everything that she was unhappy about in her life: the way people treated her, the promotion she didn’t get, the neighborhood she was living in, the bills that kept on piling up. Pretty much everything in her life has nothing to do with her – or so she tells herself. What I told her is that it was time for her to stop making excuses for herself, and time for her to start achieving her goals instead.
We all love making excuses for ourselves
My friend is not alone in this. In fact, we all love to make excuses for ourselves. It’s our go-to habit when fear sets in, keeping it at bay comfortably by convincing ourselves that – although it’s not our fault – we simply cannot do, have, or achieve what it is we claim we so dearly want.
The reasons we rely on excuses may vary, but the results always remain the same: we don’t move forward with our lives, we don’t achieve our goals, we keep ourselves small.
Our excuses make it so easy for us to stay in our comfort zones
As I mentioned above, the reasons why we fall back on excuses may look different, but there is one thing almost all of them come down to: fear. When we start digging into the reasons why we love excuses to much, fear is almost always where we end up at:
Fear of failure
Fear of success
Fear of not being good enough
Fear of being made responsible
Fear of the unknown
Fear of making mistakes
Fear of change
Fear of (fill in the blank)
In my own life, I know I’ve kept myself small for so many years because of, well… all of the fears above, and more! I was even afraid to feel fear, and made a point out of avoiding anything that could make me feel uncomfortable. As a result, my comfort zone kept becoming smaller, and smaller, and smaller.
Until one day I realized that anything that remotely affected me with fear – things I had loved doing in the past, like going to amusement parks, or skiing, or even boarding a plane – had unconsciously made it from the fun list to the fear list.
Little by little I had shrunk my comfort zone to the point where it fit into my own pocket. I was devastated.
Our excuses and our fears love to work together
When I realized what I had done, and how much of the goals I wanted to achieve where unattainable for me considering where I was, I started to see a steady pattern between fear and excuses. I came to the conclusion that they love to work together!
Fear will ignite the excuse-o-meter, while our excuses are based on all the false ideas and beliefs we’ve gathered throughout our lives about what it is we can or cannot do. After a while – as I discovered through my own fears – this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: fears lead to excuses, and the more excuses you use the more fearful you become.
Overcoming your fears is the first step to stop making excuses
In order to break the cycle then, you need to work on overcoming your fears. Because the less fearful you are, the less you’ll hide behind excuses. If you don’t, you’ll not only keep yourself from achieving you full potential, and best life, you’ll also have a heap of other issues besides not achieving your goals:
You’ll start believing so many excuses that there won’t be any room left for creativity and risk in your life
You’ll reduce your comfort zone until it fits in your pocket
You’ll become self-centered, and probably very pessimistic
By relying on excuses you’ll reject taking responsibility for your own life, and actions
Eventually you’ll probably regret not having taken more chances in your life
Recognizing you’re making excuses is the first step to overcoming your fears
As with most things we do to ourselves, recognizing that we’re doing them is the first step toward change. With excuses it’s no different. But recognizing you’re making excuses for yourself can be difficult, and something that can meet a lot of resistance. With me, it’s definitely been the case. I kept myself small, and kept telling myself why things couldn’t be different, but I never questioned my beliefs.
My daily inner chatter, when thinking about the big dreams and goals I had for myself, would usually sound something like this:
I don’t have enough time to do it
I’ll be able to do it when…
I can’t do it, people will hate me if I do
I’ll never be able to make a living out of it
It’s not meant for me
Eventually I started noticing my inner talk. Then one night, when I was contemplating the big dreams I had for myself yet again, she said: you’ll never do it anyway. It was a defining moment in my life.
Redefining excuses as opportunities
That night, I made a list of all the things I had dreamed of doing but never actually done. Or started, but never finished. The list went on and on. Then I made a list of all the things I knew my parents dreamed of doing, but also never did. So I made a pact with myself, and decided to become the watch guard of my goals by noticing when I was making excuses, figuring out what my fears were, then redefining my excuses as opportunities instead:
#1 Ask yourself what kind of excuses you’re telling yourself
What am I telling myself so that I don’t have to do this or that?
What kept me from doing this or that?
I know I want to do this or that, so why am I not doing it?
#2 Identify what fears your excuses are expressing
What am I afraid of?
What do I think will happen if I do this or that?
What does fear look like for me?
#3 Redefine your excuses as opportunities
“I don’t have time” becomes “I have as much time as anyone else”
“I can’t do it, people will hate me if I do” becomes “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“I’ll be ready when” becomes “I’m ready now” or – my favorite – “I’ll never be ready, so I might as well do it now”
By redefining my excuses into opportunities, and always being on the lookout for the ways my fears love to express themselves to me, I’ve been able to overcome so much, and to make so many seemingly impossible things happen in my life.
That is what I want for you too. Don’t let your excuses stop you from achieving anything in your life.