Miracle (morning) routines that actually work

There are two things in the world I love more than anything else (well, almost): learning and experimenting. In my pursuit of figuring out what a soul inspired life might look like, growing into my best, happiest and most productive self often requires using myself as a guinea pig. Today included.

One of the nuts I’ve been trying to crack for a while now is HABITS. How they’re formed, the things we can do to uncover them and – most importantly – how we can change the ones that work against us for better ones.

Something else that I’m absolutely convinced of obsessed about is how we systematically overestimate what we can accomplish in the short term, yet underestimate what we can accomplish over longer periods of time. This fascinates me because it’s rooted in the complex way we operate as humans.

Imagine you want to write a book. You know – rationally – that if you spend one hour a day writing you’ll have a book (self-)published within a year FOR SURE. The thing is, there’s a little voice inside you (or a big one, depending on who’s talking) that keeps telling you a year is way too long. Eventually she convinces you to turn your book dream into a six-month plan (if you’re lucky). What started as an easy, soulful *less-than-a-page-a-day* kind of deal has now magically doubled in pressure and daily required effort. Although it FEELS easier (faster, more doable) to write a book in six months rather than a year, the chances of success aren’t better.

I know, I know. You’d expect me to say that the chances of success are lower, right? Well… yes, in a way. But not exactly. If you give yourself a year to write a book, what works in your favor also works against you: TIME.

This brings me to the third (and final) ingredient of today’s conundrums: the compound effect, aka the theory that your REALITY is the result of your daily choices, behavior, and actions.

This is important. Why?

Because if you give yourself a year to write a book (for a stronger punch line: replace with personal dream of choice) but you’re skipping writing hour three times a week… guess what? It won’t get done.

Slip up once and you can get back on the saddle. Slip up twice and it gets tougher. Do it three times in a row and that book idea probably goes back into the procrastination fridge for a while.

If that’s you (and that is SO ME, by the way) I want you to know you’re not alone.

Nobody taught me about any of this stuff, and I *bet* nobody taught you either (would have been great but, hey, there where so many useless other things to learn first). We’ve been conditioned to fail right from the start by not learning how habits really work. And how to make them work for us.

Because the thing is, there’s a big difference between our unconscious habits and what we can consciously do with them: the MIRACLE ROUTINES we can create to bypass, and change them.

Perhaps you’re familiar with Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning. A daily routine that has you wake up earlier to do what the author calls “SAVERS”: silence, affirmations, visualizations, exercise, reading, scribing. That last one simply means journaling but, according to the author, it didn’t make such a nice acronym. There’s a huge community of people adhering to this practice (more than 170000 of them on Facebook alone). And for good reason.

Small actions repeated over time create the most amazing results.

Actions put together into a specific sequence repeated at regular intervals turn into a routine. Daily routines are easiest to remember and keep up. That’s why creating routines for yourself is so powerful – and creates miraculous results!

Long before I came across Hal Elrod’s book, I was already convinced of the power of routines. In fact, due to my HSP nature, routines is something I always had. Whenever I learned how to do something, the most efficient way I could find to do it would easily turn into a routine for me. Although this can make me a little inflexible at times (hmm) it’s also been an incredible asset both in my private and professional life. Having routines help me

• save time,

• remember what I have to do,

• know what to focus on,

• keep at it over time,

• build habits (!),

• improve my productivity,

• slowly become a joyful, courageous, free version of myself.

The real juicy part of routines comes from creating them in such a way that they not only make you benefit from the compound effect, but positively influence your subconscious mind at the same time.

To illustrate what I mean, here’s my morning routine (what I consider a great mix of action-oriented and mindset improving steps):

• Transcendental meditation

• Journaling

• Visualisation

• Writing down my goals

• Affirmations

• Reviewing my to-dos for the day and getting started with the first one

I have no exercise in this routine because – ta-da! – I have another routine for that. I use the Pomodoro technique when I work, and use my 25-minute breaks to squeeze movement into my day.

Now, these routines work well for me because I have a home office and no kids. I understand things might be different for you, and having a morning program like mine might not be possible. But that’s not to say that you can’t have any routines set in place. In fact, I strongly *suggest* that you do.

Even just one thing – repeated every day – will have a tremendous effect over a longer period of time. I’ve used this technique for years now to teach myself new skills: piano, writing, photography, drawing, even computer programming. (I know, it’s the multi-passionate in me, I can’t help myself).

My point is: you can do this too! If you’re up to it, here’s what I’d love you to do.

Think about what you want accomplish for yourself. Less stress? Better self-care? Writing a book? More clients? Learning to play the piano? Getting back in shape? Whatever it is, think about one step that will help you to get there. Now vow to yourself that you’ll do it every day (morning, noons, nights… it doesn’t matter when) for the next 90 days.

The results will BLOW YOU AWAY.

This post was first send out as a newsletter to my subscribers. If you like it, and want in you can sign up here.

How to say “no” without feeling guilty

I get a lot of emails from people who want to partner with me or have *irresistible* offers for me. They’ve got THE app that will quadruple my productivity or the system that will boost my website traffic into the millions. Usually I dismiss those emails (because you know what… you don’t have to reply to unsolicited email… no really, you DON’T) but sometimes the pitch will be *really* good, or the way the email is put together shows someone with a brain actually sat down behind a keyboard to write it. In that case, I might reply. Like I did last week, when I got an email from an airline magazine offering me a once in a lifetime deal to have my work featured in their upcoming onboard edition.

I was intrigued (not in the least by the outdated information they had about my business, which goes to show that there’s more that triggers me besides great pitches) so I decided to give it a shot.

Long story short, last Friday my phone rang. It was the airline magazine people. Quickly I realized the great deal was in fact an emergency cover-up on the side of the magazine, who had lost one of their advertisers last minute.

My business could be featured in the magazine instead. But to make it work I needed to act fast and provide a suitable ad by the end of the weekend, pay a (ahem) exceptionally discounted fee, change copy on my website, and be on stand-by all Monday for changes that would – most probably – be requested. Of course, all this without any certainty of return on my investment.

All in all not such a great deal after all.

With all the ifs above, and because I profoundly dislike last minute marketing (hello marketing plan) I told the friendly magazine representative that I wasn’t interested, at least not until the fee was so low that I couldn’t pass on the opportunity. I shared with her how disruptive this opportunity was for me, how I’d have to pay premium to my designer to work on such short notice, kiss relax and recreation my weekend plans goodbye, rearrange my marketing budget to squeeze in a magazine. All of which without knowing if it will result in any tangible business. After a short pause she took a breath and thanked me. Told me that she understood where I was coming from and wished she could give me a better rate. Since she couldn’t though, we said goodbye and left it at that.

I’m mentioning this experience because it’s a great example of how I’ve learned to say “no” in an authentic way, and how effective such clarity and honesty can be.

When you think of it, most requests are usually a “no” or a “yes”, but rarely a “maybe”. Even so, we turn most of our “nos” into delayed “yeses” floating around for way too long as “maybes”. Why? We don’t want to disappoint, we’re afraid we won’t be liked, or we haven’t learned how to do it properly (that’s most of us by the way).

The truth is: dancing around a “no” takes so much more time and effort than offering a gracious one immediately. It’s really not that hard. No, REALLY, it isn’t.

You can say something like:

Thank you so much for thinking of me, but right now I’m focusing on X so I won’t have time to do Y for the next Z.

I love the idea but I’m currently going all in on this new project I’m working on, so I’ll have to pass.

I’m so honoured you’ve thought of me, but I promised myself I wouldn’t take on any more work for now, so I won’t be able to help you. I can give you some referrals instead if that would help.

This sounds like a great opportunity but it doesn’t fit in the plan I’ve created for myself. I do know someone who might be just what you’ve been looking for, shall I introduce you?

Saying “no” doesn’t need to take long, be difficult, or put anybody off. All you need to do is be clear and honest about your situation, and explain why you cannot go in on the request.

That’s all.

Once you’ve mastered the art of saying “no” graciously, it will become one of your biggest allies in protecting your time so you can focus on what that really matters to you: your dreams and nobody else’s.

PS: If saying “no” is somewhat tricky for you, I’ve put together a free soulful productivity challenge that might be just what you need. In it I share everything I know about how to do your best work in a way that flows and feels easy. Including how to set boundaries and protect your time so you can do the things you really want to do. Click here to learn more (and sign-up :)).

Why heartbreak can be a compass to find your purpose

Yesterday would have been my 9-year wedding anniversary. Although I’m still technically married, it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be officially divorced. By now I’m happy to say I’m over it. I’ve gone from breaking apart, trying to scrap myself together and off the floor, to standing up and building something new. As I was going through this process, I had plenty of time to feel, go through, and think about heartbreak.

I’ve learned that it’s real. A pressing pain pushing your heart from the inside out. I’ve learned that it’s heavy. A weight you can’t ignore, and that must be carried for as long as takes. Obvious things of which I never grasped the depth until I went through them myself.

But as I was licking my wounds and healing, I learned something else about heartbreak. That’s what I want to talk about today.

Heartbreak isn’t the first place where you’d look for meaning, in fact it’s quite the opposite. When dealing with the end of a romantic relationship, or any events that breaks your heart, finding strength in that moment to give your life meaning is often the last thing on our mind. Heartbreak isn’t seen as a spark to ignite transformation, to lead to a purpose driven life. Most of us don’t want heartbreak, we don’t want grief, we do our best to avoid this type of pain. Yet, there’s Glennon Doyle Melton, telling us to allow our pain to become our power. And there’s Eckhart Tolle talking about how each disaster is also an opening. And there’s also Marianne Williamson teaching us to navigate through our suffering, not hide from it.

Glennon Doyle Melton is not your typical #1 New York Times bestselling author. For almost 20 years, she battled bulimia (from when she was eight), alcoholism and drug abuse. After she unexpectedly became pregnant, she decided to show up for herself, to stop numbing the pain she had been feeling for so long. She got her life back on track, got married and had more children. She went on to share her story and built an online community around her, but life had another punch to throw at her – in therapy, her husband confessed he’d been unfaithful for their entire marriage.

It was after this new heartbreaking moment that Glennon fully understood pain, and it all started with  a quote by Pema Chödrön from the book When Things Fall Apart:

If you can sit with the hot loneliness for 1.6 seconds today when yesterday you could only sit with it for 1, then that is the journey of the warrior.

That’s when she figured out that we’re not what happens to us, but we might be what we do next; that pain is not something that needs to be fixed, but the price for love. If we manage to get ourselves to sit with our pain for a bit, we grow stronger. Heartbreak isn’t something we must avoid at all costs, heartbreak is where who we currently are becomes who the world desperately needs us to be.

Glennon realized that hitting rock bottom has its gifts, but also that not everyone is strong enough to sit with loneliness and pain. When we don’t know how to be still with it, we have to pass it on.

If instead of passing it on, we accept pain as part of life, and stop fearing it and feeling ashamed that we’re dealing with it, we’ll discover, as Marianne Williamson says, that we ‘can have a more expanded life because your heart and mind have also been expanded’. We don’t feel pain only when we’re going through something difficult or traumatizing, pain can show up when we witness injustice, read the news or even take a look around us. Glennon Doyle Melton thinks that if we find the thing that breaks our heart, we’ll find our purpose.

I so agree with this idea.

From experience I know that when something breaks my heart one way or another it matters to me, even if I don’t want to admit it. When my husband left me that’s exactly what it felt like. This was an important moment, a turning point. I had no control over the situation, but I could bring meaning to it. Being willing to step towards the pain instead of running away from it was powerful. I remembered who I am, and what I stand for. I renewed the vows I’d made to myself to live a fulfilling, joyful, courageous life. It allowed me (and still does) to move toward changing the things that cause me pain. In my life, but also in the world.

By focusing on the meaning instead of the pain, I found a deeper sense of purpose.

I’d love to know if you’ve ever had your heart broken, and how you made sense of it. If you feel like sharing, please let me know in the comments below. And if you’re currently going through a tough time, remember that you’re not alone and take a moment to watching this beautiful, inspiring speech Glennon Doyle Melton gave earlier this year.

How to listen to your intuition, especially when it’s saying “no”

Intuition is something beautiful. It’s a mix of intrinsic knowledge, past experiences, and picking up on the energies that are all around us. And I’m not saying this in a woo woo way. I mean situations like when a particular person enters a room, and the entire room is lit up. Or, quite to the contrary, when a person enters the party, and all of a sudden the mood is busted – for good. That’s energy, and it’s the kind I’m talking about here. We’ve all experienced this at least once in our lives. So have you. And, when you come to think of it, when you were in the presence of the person that busted the party, you probably just knew that something was off with them. And that, dear girlfriend, was your intuition talking.

But maybe you didn’t notice your intuition, or maybe you didn’t hear it at all. Because although we’re all born with intuition and strong instincts, as we grow older, a lot of us lose touch with it. And I was no exception to this.

Although I was a very intuitive child, and a small girl that looked at the world with my feelings more than my eyes, I lost that connection to the deeper part of me almost entirely as I grew up. So for the biggest part of my adult life, I didn’t know I had intuition, nor did I hear it calling out to me.

When I stepped into my adult self, I tried so hard to silence my intuition in favour of what I thought was expected of me – or worse – what I thought I needed to think or be like in order to be loved, accepted, and ultimately be successful in my life and my businesses. And I played a very good trick on myself by becoming very good at it, to the point that I lost my intuition almost entirely.

As one of my main goals of these past few years, I vowed to reconnect with myself on a deeper level, and listening to my intuition has been a major part of that.

What started as a little voice inside of me, after a few months, became a strong sense of knowing what to do in a lot of situations. Like when you meet someone and you instinctively know something is off or that this person is not made for you. Well, by silencing my intuition, I had come to neglect those thoughts and feelings, and to allow too many people into my life and businesses, even while somehow knowing that that was wrong. Leaving very little room for those who actually mattered. And leaving me drained of mental and emotional energy on too many occasions.

Throughout the past years, I’ve started to rely on my intuition more and more. In my private life, it made me decide to let go of friendships that weren’t really meant for me and to allow new kinships to flourish – ones that I never would have thought of before, but that turned out to be amongst the best connections I’ve ever made. In my businesses, it has helped to guide me and decide what routes to take and what not to do, by really thinking about what I wanted most for myself and for my team.

But more than that, I learned to say no. Because so often your intuition will tell you to. And that was a big one for me. Both in my private life and in my businesses. Privately, listening to the urge to say no and create boundaries for myself allowed me to choose better who I give all of my love to and for whom there is no room in my life. But more than that, I learned to accept my deeper needs and to listen to them more. Like deciding that I need some time alone sometimes to nourish my soul.

Now, when it comes to business, our intuition will speak to us very often, too.

I was raised believing that yes was the only word that mattered in business, and that any customer or client was a good one who you needed to cherish. Over the years, this belief has caused me quite a lot of trouble, stress, and heartache. By listening to my intuition more, especially when it told me not to engage with a particular client or project, I’ve realised how powerful and important ‘No’ is in business.

So, there too, I learned to say ‘no’ more often than ‘yes’.

The result? A better bottom line, happier clients, and a more productive team. Because when you get to pick who you work with, business simply becomes better.

But now, how to listen to your intuition? And how to say no?

#1 Be open to listening to what your intuition is trying to tell you

Try to schedule time with yourself and listen. And when you have a decision to make, or you feel that something bothers you, or even in any other situation in your life… before acting, try to really feel into the moment. And ask yourself: What do I really want? How do I really feel about this? I promise, if you keep at it, your intuition will speak to you.

#2 Practice on the small things first

Rekindling your intuition, and following its lead, is not something that happens overnight. You must practice and be willing to keep listening to the deeper parts of you and what they need to tell you. And when your intuition first shows up after a long time, it can be scary, and you might not be sure you can trust yourself. So it’s okay to start small. Maybe you told yourself you needed to do something today, but in listening to your intuition, you know you should actually be doing something else instead. So do that. And once you feel comfortable and trust your intuition more, you can follow it more and more.

#3 Let me get back to you on that

Saying no is not easy. It requires a lot of strength and courage sometimes, and asks us to confront instead of comply. And that is difficult for everyone, but especially for us women, who were raised to be good girls. But your intuition will become very loud and very clear about your boundaries at some point, and when that happens, you’ll need to learn to say no. To ease you into it, here’s a trick that works miracles almost every time. When someone asks something of you, or in any other situation where you know you should say no, start by saying: “let me get back to you on that”. You’ll win precious time to prepare your ‘no’, and in many cases that will be enough to let the request vanish on its own.

I used to long for the days of my childhood when intuition and instinct came naturally to me, and for the ease of living this allowed. But I don’t long for it anymore, because I know that I still have both inside of me. I just needed to listen more closely to them, and to trust my intuition and my instincts more again. And by doing this, I’ve transformed my life. And given myself a sense of freedom in the world, and connected to it, in a way that I hadn’t felt in decades.

And so can you.

Why you should consider hiring a coach

The internet is full of articles and top lists about all the things that you must try at least once in your life. Some of those things are beautiful, like walking a pristine white beach at sunset or going on holidays to the most amazing places of this Earth. Other things are more everyday, like making out, eating scones by a campfire, or singing Karaoke.

The list goes on and on. And although it seems endless, all the options have one thing in common: your experience. Everything you have to do at least once, according to those lists, involves you feeling something, and that feeling in turn serves as an enrichment in your life.

And what I want to argue below is that hiring a life coach, precisely for the same reasons and more, is something that everyone should consider doing at least once in their lifetime.

When we get onto this Earth we are nurtured by our parents (if we’re lucky), we get a formal education (again, if we’re lucky), we are taught how to keep ourselves alive with food, clothes, and housing, and we learn how to live with others in society. We learn the values of sharing, of giving (hopefully), and of participating. But in all of this learning and growing and becoming a person, there seems to be no room for learning about our unlimited potential, incredible powers, or our amazing ability to achieve things, to love, to be compassionate, to explore what it is that we are, and to create the life we want for ourselves. And to me, that’s precisely what life coaching makes possible.

How incredible would it be if our schools would teach our children how to live fulfilling and self-actualized lives? And be places that would encourage them to explore how amazing and limitless they are?

Alas, things tend to go the other way. We teach our children to believe in structures and systems that cut right through the flow of their creative power, engraining in them concepts such as scarcity, fear, guilt, and responsibility. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we taught our children how to live unapologetically warm, wholehearted, loving, and real lives instead?

Maybe that will never happen, or maybe it will. But in the meantime, our lives – in the West, at least – are very often a product of pre-existing structures and belief systems that keep us from achieving our full potential. And we suffer. In some cases, very clearly: we are unhappy, sad even, waiting for life to really happen. Or we are lost, insecure, and unable to handle what life throws at us. In other cases, it’s subtler: our lives are quiet and okay, but there is something missing. We feel we are meant for something more, something different.

And that is where life coaching comes in. Life coaching is basically a means of being coached about life. Unlike psychotherapists or other medical professionals, life coaches are trained to help you engage with your life in an active and goal-oriented way, to get you from where you are to where you really want and can be. As such, they focus less on how you got to where you are, and more on how to get you where you want to go.

Life coaches usually have a particular field of expertise they coach in. My field, for instance, is helping high-achieving, perfectionist women to be more self-loving and to let go of having to be in control all the time. As a coach, I help women in a number of life areas, such as:

• How to stop sabotaging their success in life and business

• How to overcome the mental blocks that keep them from taking action

• How to learn to love, nurture, and nourish their bodies

• How to take care of their self through practices of self-love and self-care

• How to use the power of unlimited thinking to succeed in their life and business

• How to move past self-doubt and achieve their goals

• How to find the confidence to express themselves creatively

• How to cultivate loving relationships and move away from toxic ones

As you can see from the list above, life coaching can be very helpful to get you unstuck, to help you to see things from a different perspective, and to help you achieve what it is you want for yourself in your life. But even if you already are at a happy place, life coaching is still helpful. Because sometimes we just want change, or we have a bit of a project we know is in us, but which we are afraid to tackle on our own. Life coaches are great to help with that, too.

The reason why everyone should consider hiring a life coach is because it’s truly transformational. After a successful life coaching series, you are a different person. Not only have you achieved some tangible things, like a career change, better relationships, less stress, and more self-love…

Your life will never be the same again. You have grown and changed, and so has your life. And that is precisely the point. A life coach will help you to uncover what it is you need, want, and really are, and will guide you and help you to achieve exactly that.

Life coaches don’t have all the answers, but they do have very powerful and deep questions in their bags of tricks. And they know how to listen, very carefully, to every word you say. That’s why having a life coach in your life can be so powerful. She will help you to reach that next level in your life, to achieve the dreams you thought you couldn’t even dream of, and she will let you hear yourself and see yourself through her, so that you can grow and become a better version of yourself.

The school of life is the most important school of all. That’s why everyone should experience the transformation and power that comes from working with a life coach.

Interested enough to learn more? And feel we might be a great fit for each other? Why not start with a free 30-minute session with me?

On loss, unlived lives, and becoming who you are

Almost 10 years ago, on August 31st of 2010, my father passed away. Just five weeks earlier, my mother had suddenly died from a heart attack.

As I heard the news of Dr. Wayne Dyer's passing this morning, I could not help but to feel that I had come full circle in a way, and needed to reflect on the road I have traveled since that day.

While emptying my parents' house after their passing, I stumbled upon a book by Dr. Dyer called Your Erroneous Zones. It was the Dutch version of the book, though, and the title read something less mysterious: 'Not tomorrow, but now!' It was one of my mother's' books. One of her many, many self-help books. And like so many others, it was intact, unread, and tucked away on the bookshelf of what could have been her life.

My mother was a broken woman. As the wife of an often difficult man, who was struggling with his own demons, she had learned to be invisible and to bear her pain in silence. But besides being the housewife to a terrible man, she had also been the mother to 3 children who had themselves been bearing the hardship of their upbringing. My mother loved us dearly. And we loved her too, the best we knew how. While we were growing up, she took care of us relentlessly, often shielding us from the worst my father had to offer. But as time went on and we grew older, the sorrow in her eyes grew bigger and the voice of a life that never was became louder and louder. In her head, my mother lived an entirely different life. But from the many books and magazines she left behind, I could make out what an amazing, wide, and bright life she wished to have.

When I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book a few days after her passing, I was nailed to the ground, overpowered by sadness I had never felt before and have never felt since. This book was the culmination of a life unlived. Its title, urging my mother to take action now, and its condition proof that she had not. I felt helpless, holding my mother’s story in my hands. Her entire life, she had waited. And now she was gone.

It took me years to accept this and overcome the grief that came from it. As I did, I realized that she was not alone in her waiting. There are millions of lives waiting to be lived around us. And I was one of them, until I found that book, and after that myself. That’s why I’ve made it my mission to help women love themselves into change.

Because I see this often. Buying the book is good. It is a first and necessary step towards awakening. But then you have to read the book, listen to the call, act on it, and do the work. Change happens from within. Don’t wait for it to come to you – do it yourself, and do it now! That is what Dr. Dyer has taught me.

At the time of my parents’ passing I was still sound asleep myself. Recovering from the scars of my childhood years and chasing the unattainable ideals I had set for myself, I never took the time to stop and think about my life. I took pain and unhappiness for granted, and I didn’t know there was another way to live. But in that moment, right there when I lifted that book off the bookshelf of my mother’s unlived life, something shifted.

I took the book home and read it from cover to cover that night. It was the first spiritual book I had ever read. With every word, the world appeared clearer to me, changed forever. And in the midst of one of the most horrible experiences of my life, what had looked like an insignificant event became one of the most serendipitous moments of my existence.

Today, I remember my parents’ passing and also mourn the loss of one of the brightest and wisest minds of our time. But as I do, I also say: Thank you, Dr. Dyer, for the words that brought light into my soul, and for the wisdom that showed me the path to another way. I am forever grateful for the journey.