Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
How to Get Better at Being Wrong: How to Accept Not Being Perfect and Handle Mistakes
Making mistakes is a natural part of life. But for some people, making mistakes can be challenging, especially if you're a perfectionist or a people-pleaser. If you find yourself struggling with this, don't worry - you're not alone. I know a thing or two about not being great at being wrong. This article will explore how to get better at it and handle mistakes more healthily.
No one is perfect. To some, this isn't a problem. To others, it can be agonizing to have to deliver something that isn't exactly right or the way they pictured it in their head. I know because I used to be like that. And to be honest, I still am sometimes. But I've learned that it's okay to be wrong. It's essential if you want to grow and improve.
Making mistakes is how we learn. If we never made any mistakes, we would never learn anything new. We would stay stuck, sitting on the warm cushion of our comfort zones, doing the same things repeatedly. So next time you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up about it, try to see it as an opportunity to expand and discover something new about yourself.
Let's explore and figure out how to get better at being wrong...
If you're a perfectionist, the key is to learn to accept not being perfect and to focus on the process, not the outcome. It's important to remember that you cannot move forward in your life without being wrong sometimes. Instead of beating yourself up about it, try to see it as an opportunity to grow. Something that helped me, and many of my clients, is to realize that your worth is not tied to your level of "perfectness." Making a mistake doesn't diminish your value or the amount of recognition you deserve for your work or the person that you are. These are entirely separate things. So be gentle with yourself, and remind yourself that you're just human.
If you're a people-pleaser, it's equally important to remember that making mistakes does not reflect your worth as a person. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you're bad or unworthy of love and respect. It's okay to make mistakes - we all do it. What matters is how you handle them. So instead of stressing over it, try to see it as a part of being alive, of being human. And next time, try not to put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.
As a people-pleaser, setting healthy boundaries can help to avoid mistakes. Don't put yourself in situations where you're likely to make mistakes to please others. It's okay to say no if something isn't right for you. And when you do make a mistake, don't be afraid to own up to it and apologize if necessary.
To summarise, here are seven tips to get better at being wrong:
Learn to accept not being perfect: Remember that mistakes are part of learning and growth. Instead of beating yourself up about them, try to see them as an opportunity to learn and improve.
Focus on the process, not the outcome: If you're a perfectionist, it's important to remember that your worth is not tied to your level of "perfectness." Making a mistake doesn't diminish your value or the amount of recognition you deserve for your work or the person that you are.
Be gentle with yourself: We all make mistakes - it's part of life. So be gentle with yourself, and remind yourself that you're just human.
Set healthy boundaries: As a people-pleaser, it's important to set healthy boundaries. Don't put yourself in situations where you're likely to make mistakes to please others.
Own up to your mistakes: When you make a mistake, don't be afraid to own up to it and apologize.
Remember that we all make mistakes: So next time you make one, try to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow instead of beating yourself up about it. And if you're struggling with this, don't worry - you're not alone. Remember that your worth is not tied to your mistakes and that making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person.
Embrace your mistakes: One final tip is to try and embrace your mistakes. Instead of seeing them as a negative thing, try to see them as a part of who you are. Embracing your mistakes can help you to accept yourself, good and bad. It can also be a source of strength - knowing that you're not perfect but still choosing to try and do your best.
Doing these things will help you get better at being wrong and hopefully make mistakes less daunting. So next time you make a mistake, don't hide it - embrace it!
Do you have trouble accepting making mistakes?
I know how it feels to be paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake. I offer private business and career coaching to help you move past that fear and start living your best life.
Imagine what it would feel like to not care about making mistakes. To know that you can try new things, take risks, and be yourself without worrying about what others will think. With my help, you can finally let go of the perfectionism and people-pleasing that's been holding you back for years to build a career or business that you love!
Yet: A Simple Three-Letter Word That Changes Everything
What if I told you that by adding just three letters to the end of your negative self-talk, not only would your mindset change for the better, but so would every aspect of your life? Imagine how much more good you could do in this world if you believed in yourself more and felt like anything was possible. The word "YET" is a three-letter word that can make all of these things happen.
Don't be fooled by the simplicity of the word. The implications are enormous! For many of my clients, it's the shift from a fixed to a growth mindset. They go from believing that their capabilities are what they are today to knowing they can continuously improve and become better - at whatever they set their minds to. By adding the nuance of "yet" to your thoughts and inner talk, you will not only believe you can do it, but you'll also give yourself the gift of patience. You'll know there's still time to perfect your execution of whatever it is you're doing, even if it doesn't happen right away.
Fixed versus Growth Mindset
Carol Dweck presents an interesting case about mindset in her book Mindset, which I highly recommend. She distinguishes between the fixed and growth mindsets saying that those who have a "fixed" mindset believe their capabilities are not changeable - they're just what they are right now. They think things like, "I'm not good at math." or "I'm not a good writer." This mindset limits people from excelling in these areas because they don't allow room or time to improve. People with fixed mindsets believe that their abilities are static, not able to be improved upon.
On the flip side is those who have what Dweck calls growth mindsets. These individuals believe their abilities aren't set in stone. Instead, they think they can develop their abilities through many different pathways - so people with growth mindsets tend to take on challenges head-on and work hard because they know the benefits of doing so will improve them over time. They understand things like "practice makes perfect" or "the more you do something, the better you become at it."
"Yet" changes not just how we see ourselves but also what others see in us. Not good at something yet? No problem! There's always a way so let's figure out how to get there. Suddenly, nothing seems impossible anymore. When you add "yet" into your life, you no longer feel like you're not "good enough" or "smart enough," and everything seems reachable with some effort. That's an empowering thought.
And one that we all desperately need to hear more - nobody was born knowing how to do everything right away. We all have to start somewhere, and we're not going to be good at it the first time, but that doesn't mean we can't get better!
How to use the word "yet" to change your mindset?
Don't say, "I don't know what to do," instead say, "I don't know what to do yet."
Don't say...
I'm not a writer
I'm not good with money
I'm not an entrepreneur
I have no clue on how to make my idea work
I don't know what I want
Instead, say...
I'm not a writer yet
I'm not good with money yet
I'm not an entrepreneur yet
I have no clue on how to make my idea work yet
I don't know what I want yet.
"Yet" is not just for yourself; it's also great to use when encouraging others. If you're not good at something yet, does that mean someone else can automatically do it better than you? Not necessarily. And if they try and fail (which will happen), don't be so quick to point out their failure; instead, ask them what they learned from the experience or how they plan on doing things differently in the future. They can't do it yet, but they might succeed next time!
The three-letter word can help you make all these changes in your mindset, but only if you remember not to take it for granted - to go from "yet" to success, you must be willing to work at it. So be patient with yourself and not too hard on yourself when things don't go according to plan.
Believe that you can improve your capabilities, but understand that the amount of effort and work put into something directly correlates to how good or capable you'll become. Don't be afraid to take on challenges because those challenges will stretch you beyond what's comfortable and allow for personal development and growth.
In the end, "yet" is a little word with significant consequences. It will make you feel like you can accomplish anything in life and be better at whatever it is that interests you.
Your newfound belief in yourself will help you to take more action toward reaching goals and objectives because you won't be fear of failure or embarrassment if not everything goes according to plan.
Do you feel like you're stuck in a rut?
You want to be successful, but sometimes it feels like something is holding you back. Maybe it's fear of failure or the feeling that nothing will work out for you. If this sounds familiar, coaching could help solve those problems and get your life on track again.
My coaching packages are designed to ensure that you get what you need from your time with me so we can create real change together. I know how hard it can be to face some of these issues, and I'm here to support you through them all. Don't wait any longer, and book your free session with me today!
3 Tips for Dealing with Fear of Criticism as a Creative
Everyone has dealt with criticism at some point in their lives. It's hard to hear criticism, especially when you put yourself out there as a creative person. Believe me, I know; it's probably the number one reason that kept me from showing my work for years! But criticism is something that can be beneficial if you take it the right way. This article will share three tips for dealing with criticism as a multi-passionate creative or creative generalist!
I know criticism can be scary - criticism from friends, family, or even strangers on the internet. It's easy to take criticism personally when you're a multi-passionate person who puts yourself out there in many different ways (and all at once). But negative feedback doesn't have to hold you back; it has the potential to motivate and inspire you! Here are three tips for dealing with criticism as a creative individual:
1. Find your inspiration in your naysayers
When criticism comes your way, you can take it as a sign that what you're doing is working. Think of all the people who told Oprah, J.K. Rowling, or Steve Jobs their ideas would never work - and how they turned those naysayers into media and tech empires, or one of most extensive bestselling book series of all time! They took criticism and turned it into inspiration to go after even bigger dreams.
As I mentioned before, take criticism as a sign that you're on the right track - criticism can inspire instead of discourage! When criticism isn't constructive or helpful, don't take it to heart! Remember that criticism is subjective - one person's criticism might be another person's inspiration. To know if the feedback you're getting is worthwhile, always consider the source. Who is telling you? What makes them experts? Do you trust their judgment? If not, have a good laugh and move on.
2. Use criticism as fuel for future work
Of course, criticism isn't always constructive - it can be discouraging and even bring you down to a dark place. But when criticism is helpful, use it as motivation for your next project or idea! If Steve Jobs' naysayers hadn't criticized him along the way, Apple wouldn't be the company it is today.
It's so easy to get discouraged by the people who don't believe in you along your journey - but it's just as important to remember that criticism only brings you down if you allow it to do so!
When you're passionate about your creative projects and put yourself out there in the world, criticism can be discouraging. But instead of focusing on the people who criticize what you do or how you act - concentrate on those few people (or even one person!) whose criticism inspires you to do better.
Do more of what criticism inspires - so it becomes fuel for your future work! Imagine being criticized for not knowing enough about a specific topic; that criticism can motivate you to learn even more about that subject. There's always something new to be discovered or explored when it comes to creativity and the world of multi-passionates anyway, right?! :)
3. Remember that someone is always criticizing you
The truth is - and nobody likes to hear this - you're already being criticized right now, whether you're perfect or not and whether you want it or not.
There will always be critics out there - you can't please everyone. Of course, passionate people don't like criticism and are more likely to be discouraged than inspired to do creative work that already comes with so many hurdles and challenges. But the fact is that not everything has to be perfect! There's no "right way" to do something creative; there are only the ways you choose to do it.
What matters most is your journey - and criticism doesn't have to be part of that journey if you don't want it to be. Remember that not everything has to be flawless, no matter what your critics claim.
Are you afraid of criticism?
You're not alone. The fear of criticism is a common problem that can stop people from being their best selves. But it doesn't have to be this way. With the proper guidance, you can learn how to deal with the fear and retake control of your life.
If you want to live a more fulfilling life but feel held back by fears about what other people think of you, then my private coaching services are for you! I will help you overcome your fears so that they don't hold you back anymore. I have helped hundreds of clients like yourself get past their fears and achieve success in all areas of their lives! I know I can help you too! So why wait any longer?
The Imposter Syndrome: Perhaps it's About Authenticity, not Accomplishments
Do you ever feel like a fraud? Not so much because you think someone will find out that you're not skilled or capable enough to do the job, but instead because you don't want to be there. Is your impostor complex the result of a lack of fire, inspiration, or passion for the job or career you have more than a reflection of your perceived lack of accomplishments?
If this sounds familiar, I've got news for you. Your imposter feelings might result from a sense of inauthenticity you experience when others reflect your life to you and have nothing to do with a lack of self-worth.
This type of impostor syndrome is something I see many multi-passionate creatives struggle with in my coaching practice. Because variety is essential to them, and not enough of it quickly causes them to feel bored or uninspired, many mainstream jobs or careers can leave them feeling a bit icky, as if something's missing. When someone comments on how extraordinary their career or job is, for instance, they can't help but feel like they're not truthful - like they are frauds.
The problem is a lack of meaning
This feeling like a fraud may result from feeling uninspired to show up in their day-to-day life. Perhaps you're familiar with it. While there are a million things that would be more interesting to do than your current job, when people look at you, a job well done it's the only thing they see. On the other hand, you feel it's a job half-assed at best because there's just no soul or love put into it. And this is precisely the problem.
Multi-passionate creatives, or creative generalists, as I like to call us, need more than money and variety to be happy. Above all else, we need a sense of purpose in our lives.
Any lustrous, high-paying job that doesn't feed our soul is a recipe for disaster. And I'm not even talking about the brain-numbing, useless, low-paying jobs that keep many of us stuck.
It's not always about accomplishments
Don't get me wrong, impostor syndrome is a real and potentially dangerous thing for your career and dreams. Especially as women, we have this tendency not to feel good enough and question our abilities. And in many cases, as I wrote about here, it's our accomplishments we question.
As multi-passionate creatives, however, we add another level of complexity to an already tricky mindset puzzle: authenticity, a fundamental value for many of us and one that is inextricably tied to our sense of purpose.
When you add authenticity into the mix, feeling like an impostor is not just about accomplishments as a reflection of what you're capable of but also - and more profoundly - accomplishments as a reflection of who you are.
A multi-passionate creative imposter syndrome can happen when you are in a place where you don't feel comfortable. Regardless of how many successes you have or how much experience, if it's not the right fit for your personality style and skill set, that impostor syndrome is going to rear its ugly head.
Authenticity is a necessity
So perhaps we have it wrong when we think it's about our accolades and all that we've accomplished. Maybe that's not always what we feel like impostors about; perhaps it's because we know we don't belong or that we won't be able to keep the façade up for long enough to make it.
It's liberating to know that our imposter feelings don't come from a place of low self-esteem or not being good enough. Because they're coming from the opposite: they're telling us what we need to feel satisfied and happy. If there isn't an element of satisfaction, it's because we're not living in alignment with who we are.
If you feel like you're not where you want to be in life, it might be a sign that it's time to realign your life with who you are.
To us humans, authenticity is a necessity, not a choice. Without the space to be who we are, live up to our full potential, and express ourselves in our unique way, this lack will eventually manifest itself and force us into (often unhealthy) coping strategies. It's bad enough when this happens sometimes, but imagine the damage this can do when having to experience this in a job or career daily...
Your feelings are normal
When forced to accept situations that aren't aligned with who we are, especially for more extended periods, we find ways to deal with them as best as we can. This adaptability is a natural defense mechanism from our bodies and brains. Throughout history, it's done a fantastic job at helping us cope with the many adversities of life. However, in the present, where toxic stress runs amok, and our bodies or minds don't get to escape it like they used to, it can make us sick.
For some, the coping strategy might be to disconnect from themselves and their wants. For others, this might look like depression or mental health issues. Still, for others, it might be distractions, addictions, an inability to focus, inability to get any decent work done, or feeling like an impostor.
Perhaps it's not about what you're lacking but about dreaming bigger for yourself. You deserve a job or career that feels right and inspires you every day - a life where you wake up happy to be alive. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not a great advisor, and certainly not someone who knows what (multi-passionate) creatives and entrepreneurial minds need to thrive.
Don't let your unique gifts keep you stuck. Don't be afraid to admit you dread boredom and need a job or career that inspires you.
Don't be afraid to live your one big, authentic life!
Are you suffering from impostor syndrome?
I'm here to help you get unstuck. You know that feeling of not moving forward in your career or job because it doesn't feel right? That's the problem I help my clients solve.
It's time to start living your life, doing what you love, and making money from it too! Let me show you how my private coaching sessions are tailored specifically for multi-passionate and creative entrepreneurs looking for guidance on starting or growing their businesses.
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You
My entire life I’ve been intrigued by how differently people perceive the same things, and by how biased we are in our assumptions of what other people think.
As a perfectionist, and people-pleaser I spent a big part of my childhood and adult life worrying about what other people thought of me. On a daily basis I would replay conversations in my head, wondering if I had said or done the right thing. When I was in high school, and later at University, whenever a group of students would stand together talking, if even just one glanced my way, I would immediately assume it was me they were talking about — and probably not in a good way.
Then later on in life, my excessive worry caused me sleepless nights over little conflicts, and friendly disagreements. Any action coming from me that I deemed imperfect would trigger a worry spiral I could hardly get out of.
This constant stress and anxiety was exhausting, and depressing.
This was a long time ago. In the past decade I’ve grown and left most of my worry days behind me and with it the mind-boggling dichotomy that existed between what I was worrying about, and what people were actually thinking.
Of course the road to the (almost) worry-free life I’m living now was a bumpy one. The change didn’t happen overnight. But what I want to share with you today, and what I hope you’ll get out of this article, is that there is a way out of your anxieties and into a more peaceful life. I know, because I’ve been there.
Along that bumpy road I learned a thing or two that I’d love to share with you. So here’s 5 tips to help you stop worrying about what other people think of you:
#1 Don’t assume you know what someone else is thinking
The group of talking students example above is a beautiful illustration of how our thinking works — and how wrong we are! We almost always assume we know how other people think and feel, based on our own feelings and thoughts. When we’re cold, we automatically assume everyone around us has icicles for feet. When we’re hungry we often think everyone’s ready to eat. When we’re sad the Sun doesn’t even shine as bright as usual. You get the picture.
The first thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to realise that you’re most probably wrong about your assumptions of what they’re thinking.
#2 When you think you know go for the best option, not the worst
Although the previous point is a valid one, it’s also hard to do. We’re all — always — alone with our thoughts, and emotions. Just like everyone else is alone with theirs. Assuming we know what someone else is thinking is the normal thing to do. But every time we do we also have the choice to pick the kind of assumptions we make. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist I always assumed the worse because that’s what I was focusing on. But since what we think is probably wrong anyway, we might as well assume the best, don’t we?
The second thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to reformulate your negative assumptions into positive ones. Instead of worrying about how silly you looked, or how stupid what you said was focus on how wonderful everyone thinks you are. They were probably not thinking about you anyway. Oh but wait, that’s the next point…
#3 People lead busy lives
I lead a busy life, and I bet you do to. In fact, everyone’s life is busy to the brink. It’s the disease of our times. When you look at the statistics, they’re staggering. On average a worker now produces in 11 hours what a worker in the 1950’s produced in 40 hours. I know, right? Although this is alarming — and the subject of a future article, the good news is that busy people don’t have a lot of time to think about other people.
The third thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to remember how busy people are, leaving very little room in their schedules to think about you.
#4 In doubt, ask
Sometimes worry controls you. You’re trying to follow tips one, two, and three but nothing’s working. Whatever you do, you keep on tossing and turning that conversation in your head. If you’re anything like me, you might even have winning arguments with them in your head, you know the ones in which you’re telling them how it is.
The fourth thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to ask them about it. Although this might feel daunting to you now, I promise it will release at least parts (and often all) of the fears, the worries, and the anxiety that you’re currently experiencing.
#5 Trust, love and appreciate yourself more
In the end, living an anxiety-free life is an inside job. I’ve found no better remedy to worry than to learn to trust, love, and appreciate myself more. The more you do that, the more self-confidence you’ll have, and the less you’ll worry about what other people think of you.
In the end all that matters is what you think of yourself.
Do you feel like you're always worrying about what other people think of you?
I know how it feels to be constantly stressed and anxious. You might not even realize that this is happening because it's become your normal state of being. But the truth is, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives. We don't need to live with constant worry or anxiety!
My private coaching series will help you break free from these worries so that they no longer affect your life. It'll give you a sense of relief knowing that there are things in life more important than what others think of us - like living a happy, fulfilling life and doing work you love! Or perhaps even building that business on the side!
Self-trust: a Way to Overcome Impostor Syndrome
Are you a multi-talented, creative person suffering from anxious, incessant mind chatter? Doubting yourself by saying, ‘you’re going to mess up!’, ‘are you *sure* that’s right?’ or (my favorite) ‘one day you’ll get caught, and everyone will know you’re just a mess!’
That inner voice isn’t an alien phenomenon, but a side effect of being unable to internalize your achievements, aka ‘Impostor Syndrome’.
Do you easily dismiss your intelligence as luck or fraud? Here’s why you shouldn’t…
Impostor syndrome isn’t unique to women, though we experience it more. We’re also not the only ones who experience it. In fact, about 70% of humans do. But we, the creative, multi-talented, high-achievers experience heightened ‘intellectual phoniness’ more often. We find ways to downplay our talents, or struggle with getting caught as imposters, despite proof of our achievements. This internalized fear leads to a cycle – the slightest criticism is *proof* of our incompetence despite our capabilities, and undeniable evidence of our successes.
How many degrees do you have? Distinctions? Praises? Professional recognition? Courses and trainings you’ve undertaken? *Not enough* would be my guess, at least not according to you!
Having imposter syndrome means trying to work with crippling perfectionism, over-preparation, and a tendency to keep yourself small or people-please, while lacking self-esteem to freely share your opinions and safeguard your boundaries.
The truth is – in Tanya Geisler’s words (expert on the Impostor Complex): actual impostors don’t feel like impostors.
From Tanya (who I’ve had the pleasure to attend a talk by on this very subject a few years ago) I also learned that all these traits – perfectionism, people-pleasing, keeping yourself small, etc… – are not always bad. They’re part of our evolution as humans. We want, and need to belong. So depending on the environment we live in they can be life savers.
Issues arise, though, when these behaviors show up to *avoid* feeling like an impostor. When that happens, feeling like a fraud actually gets amplified.
What are the elements of impostor syndrome?
In my life, the impostor syndrome manifested most (and still does sometimes) by telling me I’m a fraud, that I have nothing interesting to say or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. This, paired with the fear of saying something wrong, is the perfect cocktail to keep myself small, take on the opinion of others, people-please and procrastinate. I mean, why would I even try? If I do they’ll find out I’m worthless… The problem is, deep inside I know I have something to contribute.
The impostor syndrome shows up when things matter.
Have you ever feared being found out for how you do the dishes, put on your shoes in the morning, read a book? I haven’t. The impostor syndrome shows up when the opinion of others about your abilities becomes important to you. If you don’t care, *it* doesn’t care.
The way the impostor syndrome manifests in your life will be different to how it manifests in mine, but there are a number of situations in which it’s almost certain to show up:
Change – Change is constant. It’s the foundation of all things, what allows us to create our own reality, and evolve as humans. It’s also one of the triggers of the impostor syndrome. When trying something new – often at work – or going after our dreams in general, when facing a difficult situation, especially in a higher position, we’re bound to encounter change in how things are done. The impostor syndrome doesn’t like that. At all. That’s why it makes us believe that anyone else who is successful *doesn’t* experience the feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, uncertainty that we’re plagued with when facing change.
Fear – Achievement always makes us visible. This makes it impossible to protect ourselves from the judgement of others. (Even if we’d love to do that more than anything else.) The potential of being *found out* feels catastrophic to anyone dealing with the impostor syndrome. This translates into fear. The biggest issue – again – is that we believe we’re not good enough. That we’re not ready or don’t have what it takes. “What if I take this job, and I can’t do it?” or “What if I start this project, and I get stuck?” are some of the questions my clients deal with on a daily basis.
Failure – The conditional nature of society, that credits worth and success to high-achievement, also creates anxiety and doubt. Not achieving exemplary results is associated with incompetence and failure, even when this isn’t the case. You might find it difficult to try new things because of fear of failure, especially if you struggle with the impostor syndrome.
Can we overcome impostor syndrome? If so, how do we get started?
The good news is that, yes, there are ways to learn to recognize, and move passed the impostor syndrome. I’ll get into that in a minute. First, I want to address an important aspect of our culture that I believe influences women (more than men) when it comes to feeling like a fraud: patriarchy and the role we’re meant to play in it.
The patriarchal, white, capitalist culture we live in makes women perform a gender role that is vulnerable to the impostor syndrome. Conditioning primes us for not taking credit for our successes, for being sweet and humble, not too proud of who we are, for staying small, not being too loud, and certainly not wanting too much. Far from the best conditions to teach us how to internalize our achievements, it actually feeds the impostor syndrome the nutrients it needs to grow.
In a way, the impostor syndrome is a symptom of the systemic oppression that patriarchy imposes on us. It’s predominance in work environments where highly qualified women are driven to achieve doesn’t come as a surprise. That’s where the capitalist, patriarchal ethos of endless growth, and success without failure is most present.
Overcoming impostor syndrome can therefore never be achieved without liberation from our cultural programming: we must stop trying to be what we’re not, and instead get absolutely clear about who we are, and what we believe in.
We must cultivate self-trust.
Acceptance of what is, allowing mistakes, trusting that everything will be OK are all part of the awakening process we must go through.
Being a high-achiever, you might not always embrace imperfection. In fact, if you’re anything like me, chances are you passionately hate it. What I’ve learned is that making mistakes, falling, getting back up, and dusting yourself off, learning and moving forward is all there is.
Perfection.
The moment you’ll finally be good enough.
Waiting until you’re ready.
Succeeding without years of practice, perseverance and shit happening while you’re trying.
None of it is real.
In order to be approved of, and loved, you don’t need to achieve anything. What you need is waking up to the fact that you’re good enough right here, right now. Nobody’s going to find you out, because there’s NOTHING to find out.
If you step into the fullness of who you are, what the world will see is more of your greatness.
It all starts with cultivating self-trust by questioning what you believe about the world, and your place in it. Is what you’re telling yourself *really* true? Are you really the fraud you think you are? Once you’ve come to the inevitable conclusion that, no, you’re not a fraud, and, yes, you’re very capable, a world of endless possibilities will open up for you.
Trust yourself. You’ve got this.
Other people’s feelings are not your problem
I recently reflected on why it’s important for women to stop feeling guilty for choosing ourselves. Throughout a big part of my life, that guilt (often doubled with shame, anxiety, or fear) stood in the way of what I really wanted.
It kept me small. Silent. Like it does with so many other women. And for good reason.
We’ve been conditioned to think that we must bear the weight of the world on our shoulder, and do so with a smile, simply because it comes with the territory of being a woman. However – as I reflected in my previous article, incorporating values, and nurturing healthy boundaries will call on you to take responsibility for your own life, to demand more for yourself, to have more self-respect, and ensure that others do not trample on it.
These rituals will lead you to realize that while it’s your responsibility to control your emotions and direct your life down the path you want it to go, it’s not your responsibility to do the same for anyone else. This will be a hard concept for many women to grasp, but as you grow into self-love and self-trust it will become easier.
When you enforce your boundaries, you take your power back.
You’re not Superwoman. Your duty isn’t to save the world. It’s not even to save your loved ones. Your duty – if ever there was one – is to be a caring and loving human. That’s all anyone could ask for. Even so, in the past, I often felt it was my responsibility to be the everything of the people in my private, and professional life. Perhaps you do to…
Making sure everyone around you is happy – at all times
Show the world how capable, reliable, always willing to help you are.
Never come across as too busy, or too tired
Especially not when you are – in fact – exhausted, stressed out, ready for a really long nap.
As you commit yourself to living your truths – making your own decisions, pursuing your dreams, creating your own path – you’re going to upset some people. In fact, you’re going to upset A LOT of people, especially if what you’re going for is bold and unimaginable to them. That’s precisely when you have to remind yourself: how others feel about who you are, the way you live your life, or what your dreams are is not your business.
You are not in charge of other people’s feelings.
Like me, you may have been socialized to believe that as a woman you exist to bring some kind of joy, support, care (insert expectation of choice here) to others, based on the roles society has tried to box you into. Understanding that you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own is a liberating experience. Often we don’t realize how the people around us suck the joy out of us when you overextend ourselves for them, breaking our back to be at their every beck and call. Living this way will drain you. I know, because I’ve been there.
It may take some time for people to come around to the fact they’re not somebody else’s problem but their own. In some cases they never will, and you’ll have to walk away, or see them leave when you no longer *make them happy* (in my experience often used as code speak to say you’re no longer able or willing to cater to their every need). Again, believe me, I know.
How to stop making other people’s feelings your responsibility?
When people start demanding that you do things their way or blame you for how they feel or how their lives are, you don’t need to respond to them. This is a hard one for any people-pleaser, isn’t it? So if you feel the urge to go there, the conversation should be about boundaries, personal responsibility, and freedom. Not about what they need from you, or how you’re lacking in giving it to them. Because, well, it’s NOT your responsibility.
Sometimes when people ask unreasonable things of you and have grandiose expectations, you may become so overwhelmed that you simple react instead of respond. It can help to ask yourself some questions: is what they’re asking something you would expect them to do for you? Is it fair to yourself to say yes when you know you should (and totally could) say no?
When you’re being tested, remember to breathe and allow your emotions to flow through you. Oftentimes you’ll feel guilt, shame, or fear when you’re being put on the spot for someone else’s feelings. Don’t fixate on any thought. Instead, give yourself time to process what’s happening, and simply *pause*. It’s important to guard your heart and protect your soul. After all, you are YOUR OWN responsibility.
Not making other people’s feelings your responsibility requires courage, dedication, and discipline. I’ve been practicing this kind of detachment for a long time, yet I still fall back into my old ways so easily. Affirming my boundaries and being true to myself helps me to bounce back quickly, and recognize the signs when guilt or shame show up.
In the end, what works best is to remind ourselves that we’re responsible for how we’re feeling. Nothing more. But always.
Making that your priority will be so liberating. I promise
I’d love to what your experience has been with other people’s feelings. Let me know in the comments below.