#11 How to stop caring what other people think of you
Podcast transcript:
Hi! Happy Monday! Time for another podcast episode. This one is about how to stop caring what other people think of you. I know, BIG SUBJECT!
We all suffer from it sometimes; I know I did for many years. I was an anxious mess for most of my life, and worrying about what other people thought of me was a significant part of that. I'm so happy that's not my experience anymore (most of the time humhum) because it can be such a hindrance to our happiness and success. Luckily there are insights, tips, tricks, and different perspectives that can help us reclaim our power and regain control over our lives.
So, what does it mean to stop caring about what other people think? We'll look at that in a second. Let's start by quickly examining why we care so much and then move on to strategies to let go of this harmful and often overthinking loop.
It all starts with this: we all want to be liked and accepted in our lives, whether at work, in our family, at school, or socially. This is a natural and necessary inclination; we're born with it and develop it during childhood. But, when it reaches an excessive level, especially as adults, it can turn into a worrying and even paralyzing habit.
This need to be liked often results from anxious attachment or childhood trauma. It's like a coping mechanism we create to protect ourselves from hurt and pain, because at a certain time in our lives, being liked (by our parents or the people taking care of us) was necessary to assure our safety, but not anymore. As grown-ass adults wanting to be liked all the time, and worrying what others think of you keeps you stuck in a negative loop. You finally decide to do something just for you, then feel shame or guilt about doing it, then worry endlessly about what others will think of you - and if you’ll be punished for it somehow. Ah, the echo of childhood, it’s never far away, is it?
If that loop keeps repeating, we become so focused on what other people think of us that we start editing ourselves to fit expectations and standards. It's not only that we get stuck this way, we stay stuck. We start to feel how others feel about us - or how we think they feel about us, and to act the way we think we should act for others. If someone tells us something is wrong about us, like when a romantic partner told me that I was too sensitive. I believed it and tried to change myself, instead of taking the time to explore why being too sensitive might just be who I am, and how I could turn it into a super power. Or when someone asks you the dreaded question “so what are you going to do?” when you’ve just decided to change careers or start a business, but don’t know what that will look like yet (like a super creative and fun client shared with me recently).
I used this type of self-editing my entire life, and it often led to a lack of personal authenticity and an inability to be honest with others about who I was and what I needed. It also caused me to become overly dependent on external validation. By avoiding being honest about who I was, and instead focusing on what others thought I should be, I stopped growing as a person. Eventually, I had forgotten how to take care of myself and make decisions that were based on my own values and beliefs. It got so bad that I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Like, when I asked myself that question, I drew a blank.
We become this small version of ourselves, because we’re making others and their thoughts about us so big. This has several consequences, of which one - although hard to live with, yet we do it so often: we try to control others instead of being true to ourselves.
Future tripping about events that haven't happened yet (and might never happen) is often a way to try and figure out how to control the situation and make sure you get the outcome you want. The same is true about worrying about what other people think of us. It's a way to try and predict their opinions or feelings towards us so that we can make sure they like us.
But here's the thing: You cannot control what others think of you. If the capacity existed, because of my values and integrity, I wouldn't want it because it would mean that other people wouldn't be free to think or feel what they want. Freedom is a human right and one that we must protect at all costs. That’s why trying to manage other people’s emotions is a sneaky form of manipulation, one that people-pleasers often use without even realizing it.
You can't control other people's feelings towards you or reactions to your behavior, and that's a good thing! Trying to control them is not a great way to relate to others, it doesn’t make you a safe person, and it will only cause anxiety and stress. What you CAN do is look at it differently and realize that what other people think of you ACTUALLY has nothing to do with you. So you might as well stop thinking about them :) (pun intended).
Consider this thought experiment:
You are standing in front of a group of 10 people. They all have different ages, backgrounds, and experiences. You're telling these 10 people a short story about yourself. Let's say you share something painful from childhood that you haven't told anyone before. Now imagine that nine out of the ten people in the group react to your story with empathy, kindness, and understanding. But one person in the group becomes frustrated with you and responds to your story with criticism and judgment. I'm simplifying the point I'm trying to make because, in reality, all 10 people will react differently to your story, even if you won't notice. But let’s leave that out for now.
The question is: Is it fair to conclude that everyone else in the group thought that your story wasn't worth hearing? Or did you do anything to deserve that one person's frustration and judgment? The answer is a clear no. If, when you’re saying exactly the same thing to 10 people, some people like it and some don’t, some react with compassion and some with anger, some understand you and some don’t (that’s actually a podcast episode in and of itself, communication and how we keep on misunderstanding each other), how could that EVER have anything to do with you? And if it doesn’t, how could you EVER please everyone? There are reasons why that one person reacts differently, and - except in situations when you're knowingly trying to anger, frustrate or hurt someone else - those reasons are not related to you in any way.
I want to let that sink in for a minute because it's one of those truths that absolutely changed my life: what other people think of you HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Glenn, my therapist that you might have heard me mention in this podcast before, hi Glenn!, once said to me when I was blaming myself for something someone did to me, that showed an incredible lack of integrity and absolutely no respect for me - that it could have been anyone instead of me: if the circumstances had been the same, the person would have done precisely the same to someone else.
It means that when you think or feel something negative about someone else, except if that person has purposefully harmed you or done something to you, that has nothing to do with that person and everything to do with YOU. Everyone has their battles, triggers, biography, experiences, and traumas, so even if the behavior of someone else is hurtful to you in any way, that doesn't mean this other person is a bad person; it simply means you are connected to your feelings and experiences around the situation.
Resentments particularly, when you’re mad at someone for something they did or said, when you’re jealous of someone or blame others, when you can’t let go and you’re having arguments in your head… I know by now that, whenever I can’t let go of something, whatever anyone has done, it’s also about me. A button has been touched in me that I have to do something about, alone or with outside help or support. Maybe I need to speak to them, or to tell someone about it, or maybe I just need to let go. What I think about that person at that moment is my business, so I must fix it.
It's an incredibly freeing thought that nothing anyone else thinks or feels has anything to do with you. It means that some things are out of your control, and it also means - and I'm going to repeat this - that if you choose to worry about what other people think of you, it doesn't change anything except for making you feel worse. And isn't that a massive waste of time?
So when you find yourself in a negative and often overthinking loop of worrying about what other people think of you, try to remember those two simple truths:
You can't control how other people think or feel about you and
What others think of you has absolutely nothing to do with you.
That is what it means to stop caring about what other people think. It means that you recognize and accept that you have no say in how others think or feel and that those feelings and thoughts do not accurately reflect who you are.
It means understanding that, unless it's the opinion of someone you trust and respect, you don't have to consider it. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT CARE ABOUT IT. It means that instead of worrying about what other people think of you, you can focus on living your life in a way that aligns with YOUR values and priorities. It means learning to believe that, regardless of what other people think of you, it's up to YOU to decide what kind of person you want to be.
The good news is it's possible to break free from this cycle of overthinking and worrying about what people think. My client Clarissa, a self-diagnosed anxious mess, perfectionist, and serial overthinker, changed her relationship with her thoughts slowly but surely. Whenever she had a conversation with a co-worker, a friend, or anyone, she would catch herself overthinking every sentence and reaction and start to worry about how the other person perceived her. One time, she told me she had not slept all night because she couldn't stop thinking about a look a co-worker had given her after she had spoken against a new project. Another time, she was convinced her boss didn't like her because he had been cold and distant in a meeting. On a typical day, if she was lucky, she would only worry about it for a few hours, but those were the good days. On a bad day, she would worry about it all day long.
So we started to work on what she could do in those moments as soon as the vicious thoughts began to show up. Instead of letting them run wild and take over her entire day, she would instead take a step back and observe the situation from an outsider's perspective. She would ask herself, what is the evidence that this person doesn't like me? Was there really something wrong with what I said in that meeting? Is it possible they were having a bad day themselves and didn't want to take it out on me?
By asking her some powerful introspective questions, she also realized she was giving away her power by worrying about what other people think of her - and we came up with a few strategies for how she could start breaking out of the habit.
First, instead of focusing on what other people might think or feel, she should focus on the present moment - with all its details, sounds, and smells.
She could also try to use positive mantras like "What other people think of me is not my business" or "I am free from the need to please others." I have a mantra I've used for many years now, and it goes like this: "What other people think of me is not my problem." It has helped me on many anxious and stressed-out occasions to remind myself that I don't need to take other people's opinions into account.
Last but not least, she decided to practice believing in herself so she would no longer rely on external approval. She kept a brag list of all her tiny and significant accomplishments. Today, when Clarissa has a meeting with a co-worker or makes a presentation in front of her colleagues, it no longer needs to be an experience filled with dread. Still, it's something she feels enthusiastic and proud about.
So if you're ready to stop caring about what other people think, I'd like to invite you to take a moment to reflect on why you feel you need to please and seek approval from others. How is this negatively impacting your life? What can you do to break free of it?
Remember, you have a choice in how you live your life - and if worrying and overthinking aren't serving you (which, I'm sure, it isn't), then it's time to let it go and start living a life that's true to you.
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Wow, that's it for this episode. I hope it was helpful and made you look at this topic differently. Remember that your mental health should always be your top priority, and you don't have to do this "being human" thing alone. It's ok to ask for help or support, especially when you're anxious and overthinking everything! I know I needed to do this and that I only started to heal and grow when I did.
Now, for the fun part, before I go, here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment: This week, I want you to come up with a mantra to diffuse the negative emotions about what other people think of you. Then go through life knowing that what other people think of you has nothing to do with you, and use your mantra as much as you need to. Imagine it works like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak or wonder woman's shield - nothing sticks to it or gets through it. That's how you need to feel when you're starting to worry about people judging or criticizing you. Nothing can stick if you don't give it the power to do so. Try this out and see how it puts things into perspective, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it, so let me know!
If you want to take it a step further, here's this week's little act of daily rebellion: at least once this week (bonus points if you do it more than once), I want you to actively look for feedback that you feel anxious about and tackle it head-on. You'll be surprised at how liberating and empowering this practice can be!
That's all for this week. If you feel like sharing your experiment with me or your brand new mantra, don't hesitate to contact me or send me a DM on Instagram @muriellemarie. Thanks for listening. Have a fantastic time, and I'll talk to you soon! Bye!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you're not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
