#7 How to stop being too nice and become authentically assertive
Podcast transcript:
I want to start with my friend Ivana today, a professional dancer who doubles as an incredible stage performance artist and coach. The first time we met, Ivana told me that I had to stop being so polite. Even though it might not sound like it, Ivana and I were fond of each other right away, even though we have very different personalities. I'd been invited to one of her workshops during which she had me do many different exercises, both with my voice and my body. It was an interesting encounter. I'm more reserved, I'd say, and she's definitely more outgoing. That reserved-ness is what I thought she took for politeness.
Ivana explained that she felt like my politeness was actually getting in the way of me truly expressing myself on stage. She said that I should be more forceful with my words, and voice and not worry about how it will make other people feel. This, she told me, is the attitude a performer needs to have if they want to stand out and captivate their audience. Even though I could see where she was coming from, in a way, she equated my so-called politeness with "being too nice", as if it wasn't how I actually wanted to behave or there was something hidden behind it.
I've reflected on this a lot since then. For the longest time I was a people-pleaser and a pushover, so her words made me think. Saying "no" was practically impossible for me and I would often find myself apologizing for anything and everything (I still do that sometimes, especially with people I don't know very well). Trying to please everyone also meant that I stopped paying attention to what I wanted and that my needs always came last.
I've grown and changed a lot since then, so when Ivana pointed it out it made me wonder how much work I had left to do in that area.
I enjoy being polite as a way to express respect for others and show them that I care about their feelings. It's partly how I communicate with people. Yes, people-pleasers will most likely be polite, but that doesn't mean that politeness is always a form of people-pleasing. So while Ivana may have been right in telling me not to be too polite, she was also wrong in thinking that politeness can only be an expression of being too nice. But it's definitely tricky.
Being polite or nice, let's say, can be a way to be civil and courteous but also a way to avoid real engagement or confrontation. It can be a way to avoid conflict, because it's easier sometimes not to face the situation in front of us. I know that's how I avoided painful situations in the past. Now, I still don't engage in conflict very much, but it's not out of fear, it's more in a "pick your battles" kind of way. Conflict is only useful if it will change something to the situation or if it really matters to you. If not, I walk away.
In this episode I don't want to talk about that type of culturally accepted politeness that’s a superficial way of being nice or courteous – I want to talk about the type of "being too nice" that affects you in a negative way, in your life and at work or in your business. When it matters, I don't avoid conflict anymore, I just decide when or not to engage in it. That is very different from avoiding conflict altogether or accepting other people's behavior without ever standing up for yourself.
Being too nice is the kind of attitude that makes you say "yes" to something you don't want to do, that makes you accept disrespect from others, that makes you put your own needs and beliefs aside in order to make someone else happy. The kind that makes a pushover out of you. That's the kind I’m talking about today.
I believe that when we're too nice or polite, one way or another we've been conditioned into that way of being, it's not something we are born with. You can have a kind heart or a kindness about you, and still be strong and fierce and not someone people want to mess with. But when you're too nice - and when we are we know this because eventually we become super frustrated or resentful about it - it can mean that we're afraid to express ourselves and our true feelings. It might be because of fear of rejection or out of the need to please people around us. In any case, being too nice hides something deeper that needs to be addressed.
When nice becomes too nice, it's often an expression of fear and insecurity. That's also when this way of being becomes unhealthy and self-destructive. On the other side of that spectrum are authenticity and assertiveness, ways of being that I've been cultivating as an antidote to my own tendency to be too nice.
If I asked you what your most people-pleasing moment of all time was, what would you say? I'm sure you can think of a moment in your life where you were too nice, too polite or let someone disrespect you and didn’t stand up for yourself. I have many examples from my own life, but they're not so much a moment in time rather than a dynamic that I kept going for a long time. Especially in personal relationships, I tended to put other people's feelings and needs before my own. When I was in my 20s one summer I went on a camping trip to the south of France with a friend. Being the conscientious one, I'd prepared the trip in advance, bought enough food to get us through our long drive, loaded water and lemonade into the trunk of our car. My friend hadn't done any of those things, but in less than a day she’d eaten half our supplies and drank all the fizzy drinks I’d brought, without asking me anything. I noticed her behavior, but I didn't say anything. That was on me. Then, when we arrived, she confessed that she’d picked the town because it was the place where the parents of her then boyfriend owned a summer house. In that same conversation, while we'd just arrived and I was unloading the car, she continued by saying that she was now going to go and say hi to the boyfriend, that I wasn't allowed to come with here (they had a villa with a swimming pool and I wasn't allowed to tag along!), and she left me at the camping site with a friend of hers that I didn't know and that she'd invited to come with us on that trip. I didn't see her again for the rest of the day, and the day after. Eventually, because I felt uncomfortable having to spend time with someone I didn't know, I cut short my holidays and took a train back home. I didn't speak to her for a long time after that, but when I eventually did she didn’t apologize. In fact, she's done more of those things throughout the years and I've never received an apology or a thank you from her. One time, when I tried to talk about how bad I felt she was treating me, she simply said I was annoying her and that "I was hard to love". The most recent iteration of this is a date we'd set a few months ago - after not seeing each other for years - to spend some time together and her canceling on me the day before because she got invited to a dinner party where one of her old crushes would be. She didn’t even try to make up a reason why. She just blatantly said that she’d rather see an old flame than hang out with me. I haven’t spoken to her since and I’m not really planning to anymore. I've always been too nice to her but something fundamental changed. Now, I know what it’s like, so I’m letting it go. Before, I didn't realize the dynamic of our relationship where me being overly nice was gratefully accepted by her. That's why I'm not blaming her anymore.
Because this way of being is unsustainable, in the past I would become frustrated and feel that my needs weren't being met. That would then make me mad because "how could she/they/anyone have so little regard for me while I was so nice to them". Internal conflict would follow and conversations that would never really amount to anything because the problem wasn't being addressed, only its symptoms.
I'm still learning how to strike the right balance between being polite and being assertive, between coming across as too nice or too demanding. I try to find the middle ground, and it's one where you can be respectful of other people while still being true to yourself. You can be polite but not too much. You can be kind and strong at the same time. You can be compassionate and not let people take advantage of you.
One thing I learned throughout the years is that being too nice isn't actually nice at all. It's the exact opposite. I’ve called it toxic in the past, even though some people might feel that’s too harsh. It won't get you what you want and it won't make people like you or respect you. Like with the friend I mentioned, if you remain too nice it will only make people take advantage of you and leave you feeling frustrated. And as long as you don’t say anything, it’s not even really their fault. You’re doing it! It doesn't give the other person an opportunity to show up in a different way, to learn and grow, to respect you or show you sincere appreciation, because they don't really know how you feel. They think (or pretend to think) your needs are being met when clearly they are not.
The solution is to practice being authentic and assertive. To find your voice, set boundaries and be honest about what you need and expect from others. That way you can show them respect while also taking care of yourself. It might take some practice, but it's worth it in the end. One thing that helped me was to learn the difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice - especially too nice - can be a way to manipulate the feelings of others, whereas being kind is about taking care of yourself and others in an honest and respectful way.
I'm still learning how to do it but here are a few ways that I love to practice:
actively listening to people,
being open and honest with my feelings,
trying not to take things personally,
being aware of my fears,
setting clear boundaries,
not being afraid to say “no”,
recognizing when I'm pleasing instead of being authentic.
In the end, it's important to remember that it’s okay not to be too nice all the time. Nothing horrible is going to happen. You've only been conditioned to think so. Respect yourself by setting boundaries and staying true to yourself and your needs.
Yes, that's it! The end of another episode! Here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment: The next seven days I want you to be mindful of when you're being too nice. Pay attention and reflect on how it's making you feel, if you're letting other people take advantage of your niceness or if you're coming from a place of authenticity. See if you can find ways to be polite without being too nice. At least once, say "no" when you would normally say "yes" but know you would resent it afterwards. Bonus points for speaking up about something that's been bothering you for a while and that you haven't had the courage to address yet, like my friend Kate who has a horrible neighbor who complains about her making too much noise all the freaking time, to the point that Kate now doesn't even dare to go up the stairs of her own house anymore! Time to go and have a chat with that neighbor from hell Kate! I know you can do it!!
What I'm going to do this week is make sure that I don't say yes to anything I don't really want to do. Because if it's not a hell yes, it's a no!
Before I go, here’s a little act of daily rebellion to take with you into the week as well. I've been super excited about sharing this one with you, so here it is: write a love letter to yourself – one that's only about you and how amazing you are, for you. Go all in on loving yourself and telling you how great you know you are! That’s it!
If you feel like sharing your experiment or breakfast choice with me or if you're not sure what a good experiment might be for you, don't hesitate to send me a message or DM in Instagram @muriellemarie. Thanks for listening, have fun and talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you’re not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
