How to say “no” without feeling guilty

I get a lot of emails from people who want to partner with me or have *irresistible* offers for me. They’ve got THE app that will quadruple my productivity or the system that will boost my website traffic into the millions. Usually I dismiss those emails (because you know what… you don’t have to reply to unsolicited email… no really, you DON’T) but sometimes the pitch will be *really* good, or the way the email is put together shows someone with a brain actually sat down behind a keyboard to write it. In that case, I might reply. Like I did last week, when I got an email from an airline magazine offering me a once in a lifetime deal to have my work featured in their upcoming onboard edition.

I was intrigued (not in the least by the outdated information they had about my business, which goes to show that there’s more that triggers me besides great pitches) so I decided to give it a shot.

Long story short, last Friday my phone rang. It was the airline magazine people. Quickly I realized the great deal was in fact an emergency cover-up on the side of the magazine, who had lost one of their advertisers last minute.

My business could be featured in the magazine instead. But to make it work I needed to act fast and provide a suitable ad by the end of the weekend, pay a (ahem) exceptionally discounted fee, change copy on my website, and be on stand-by all Monday for changes that would – most probably – be requested. Of course, all this without any certainty of return on my investment.

All in all not such a great deal after all.

With all the ifs above, and because I profoundly dislike last minute marketing (hello marketing plan) I told the friendly magazine representative that I wasn’t interested, at least not until the fee was so low that I couldn’t pass on the opportunity. I shared with her how disruptive this opportunity was for me, how I’d have to pay premium to my designer to work on such short notice, kiss relax and recreation my weekend plans goodbye, rearrange my marketing budget to squeeze in a magazine. All of which without knowing if it will result in any tangible business. After a short pause she took a breath and thanked me. Told me that she understood where I was coming from and wished she could give me a better rate. Since she couldn’t though, we said goodbye and left it at that.

I’m mentioning this experience because it’s a great example of how I’ve learned to say “no” in an authentic way, and how effective such clarity and honesty can be.

When you think of it, most requests are usually a “no” or a “yes”, but rarely a “maybe”. Even so, we turn most of our “nos” into delayed “yeses” floating around for way too long as “maybes”. Why? We don’t want to disappoint, we’re afraid we won’t be liked, or we haven’t learned how to do it properly (that’s most of us by the way).

The truth is: dancing around a “no” takes so much more time and effort than offering a gracious one immediately. It’s really not that hard. No, REALLY, it isn’t.

You can say something like:

Thank you so much for thinking of me, but right now I’m focusing on X so I won’t have time to do Y for the next Z.

I love the idea but I’m currently going all in on this new project I’m working on, so I’ll have to pass.

I’m so honoured you’ve thought of me, but I promised myself I wouldn’t take on any more work for now, so I won’t be able to help you. I can give you some referrals instead if that would help.

This sounds like a great opportunity but it doesn’t fit in the plan I’ve created for myself. I do know someone who might be just what you’ve been looking for, shall I introduce you?

Saying “no” doesn’t need to take long, be difficult, or put anybody off. All you need to do is be clear and honest about your situation, and explain why you cannot go in on the request.

That’s all.

Once you’ve mastered the art of saying “no” graciously, it will become one of your biggest allies in protecting your time so you can focus on what that really matters to you: your dreams and nobody else’s.

PS: If saying “no” is somewhat tricky for you, I’ve put together a free soulful productivity challenge that might be just what you need. In it I share everything I know about how to do your best work in a way that flows and feels easy. Including how to set boundaries and protect your time so you can do the things you really want to do. Click here to learn more (and sign-up :)).

Is low self-esteem sabotaging your business?

CONFIDENCE. A ten-letter word that holds so much power. The most important sales tool you’ll ever have or need. Precisely why it’s so important to cultivate, and be aware of it. And why so many creative and passionate entrepreneurs struggle financially.

The reason is, anyone can feel when you don’t *really* believe in yourself – I mean when you feel like an awkward little duckling in a big pond of voracious alligators – and that often puts people off.

I’ve always known this to be true. In fact, when I first started out as a freelance project manager in 1998, confidence (and a pair of heels) was all I had. I call it confidence now, but looking back I’d say it was mostly naiveté. Not knowing what I was getting myself into (building a business is freakin’ hard) and with absolutely no clue about the MOUNTAIN of things I actually didn’t know anything about. Add a dash of ambition, and a cup of perfectionism and people-pleasing into the mix and you’ve got yourself a workable mix – at least when it comes to landing projects.

Clients responded well to that initial enthusiasm. I was just slightly ahead of the curve with my knowledge of the emerging Internet and my self-taught web development skills. So they hired me. For one project at first, then repeatedly. Projects and business was coming in.

As time went on my knowledge of the work I was doing improved. I gained more and better skills (bye bye Dreamweaver!) and was in charge of increasingly complex projects. After a few years spent trying things out (read: getting totally lost in business land after a few wrong turns) I eventually started my own web agency. I approached it with that same passion, and enthusiasm.

Quickly a list of repeat clients was born.

I’m not going into the details of the type of clients I was attracting, or the promises I was making them – I wasn’t the best judge of budget versus scope back then. That’s for another post (said while writing potential jaw dropping title down in editorial blog planner).

What I want to talk about today is how exhaling confidence was the only tool I had when I started out, and how it allowed me to make money and start a business.

In those early days, whenever I wasn’t confident (didn’t believe in the idea, didn’t understand it, or wasn’t sure I wanted to work with the client) I usually wouldn’t sell. Afterwards I had this nagging feeling that I’d somehow “sabotaged” myself, that I’d not given it my best shot. I was right.

I wouldn’t sell because I wouldn’t fully engage. I wouldn’t show the extend of my capabilities because I wasn’t passionate, because I wouldn’t take the lead during the meeting. Potential clients would doubt my skills, and whether or not I could handle their project. The important lesson here is: it was ME doing it. I was playing the wrong cards unconsciously – but on purpose.

When I became a career coach and business consultant the same principle still held true (well duh!).

In the beginning I didn’t feel confident calling myself a coach. I didn’t have a lot of experience, and the coaching sphere felt really overwhelming. So when I did speak of it, the words that came out of my mouth sounded more like an apology than an enthusiastic claim to greatness. In every single one of those cases I got back what I was sending out: a lack of enthusiasm to work with me, aka absolutely nothing. A few months in, and many failed attempts at trying to land a client this way I decided something had to change. I’d made a commitment to become a coach, I’d studied hard for it, had done all the work. I might as well be PROUD of it.

The next time I spoke to a potential client, I didn’t try to sell her anything. Instead I told her about all the changes my pro bono clients had achieved, the new careers they had transitioned into, the projects they had started. I spoke honestly and with passion, and started dreaming with her about the things she could do and that I could help her achieve. She signed up ON THE SPOT.

Moral of the story? Sales require confidence.

If you don’t believe in yourself and the products or services you offer, you can still make a buck or two, but sell consistently and in a way that feels good? I sincerely doubt it.

The solution? (wouldn’t wanna leave you hanging on a cliff :))

• Practice – as often as you can. With all the enthusiasm you’ve got to offer. Fake it till you make it if you have to.

• Investigate your self-worth: perhaps you need a little confidence boost (there’s plenty of books out there that can help with that like this one, and this one, and this one).

• Don’t sell what you don’t believe in (it doesn’t work anyway). If you’re not sure what you believe in, get clear on your values.

• Take a (free) sales course (again plenty of good options available, but I particularly like this 25 Days to 100K one – thanks Ash for being such a star!)

• Learn from your mistakes. Keep a “lessons learned” list by your bedside.

• Learn from you wins. Keep those on the same list.

• Never stop growing: try something different every day, join a mastermind, go to a sales seminar, or just talk to people.

• Hire a coach

But most importantly: BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

You’ve got this, I promise! Selling doesn’t need to be all eek and yikes. The more confident you’ll get that you have THE solution for a client, the better the process will feel (to both of you). So don’t sell yourself short – pun totally intended – but instead grow that confidence muscle, relax, have a drink and watch as your sales finally take off.

3 mindset shifts for greater confidence

I have absolutely awesome clients. Not only do they achieve the most amazing things, they are my greatest teachers, offering me the most valuable lessons. Often those lessons come in the form of questions. Like the one I got from one of my business mentoring clients last week, a creative entrepreneur who will soon blow your socks off with her amazing audiovisual work.

When faced with the prospect of landing a big client, she felt a lack of confidence that made her doubt herself, as well as her capacity to do a good job. So she asked me how we can appear more confident in cases like this, you know when we don’t feel like it. I’m sure we’ve all been there. At least, I know I have. The bigger the opportunity, the smaller we feel.

I believe there are two ways of looking at this question.

The obvious one is to take on an external point of view. What can you physically or verbally do to appear more confident? After a quick search online it’s clear this is the way most people understand, and answer this question. The problem with this is that it doesn’t improve your confidence at all, it only emulates it for a limited amount of time.

I’m not a fan of fixing symptoms. I’m the kind of person that loves to dig a little deeper to fix problems. That’s why I think there’s another, more interesting way to address this question: what mindset shifts can help you be more confident in yourself? Because once you’ll feel more confident you’ll most likely appear more confident as well. So here are three mindset shifts to be more confident in yourself:

#1 People don’t see us the way we see ourselves

The way we think we behave when we lack confidence is not per definition the way others perceive us to be. We might be sweating, or feeling like our knees are made of cotton. Although that might be uncomfortable to a point that we’re unable to ignore it, it doesn’t mean that anyone else is aware of it.

Often (if not always) we feel afraid or insecure but it’s not showing at all. Keeping this in mind helps to relieve some of the stress we can experience when in an interview, a difficult meeting or important sales conversation. So remember that what you’re feeling or experiencing, even if it’s extreme anxiety, will probably not show.

#2 What type of confidence are you modelling?

This is a big one. When I started out with my first company I thought I had to appear as big, and as strong as the big boys in the industry. But of course I wasn’t. As a result I would feel less than when going into sales meetings, fearing that the potential client I was sitting in front of would see right through me.

The thing is though, there’s no rule saying a freelancer starting out, an online entrepreneur, a startup needs to be identical to bigger, well-established companies. In fact it’s quite the opposite. It took me awhile to get it, but once I figured that my differences were my strengths, I never pretended to be bigger than I was anymore, and I gained a lot of confidence from that. In other words: don’t model your confidence off anybody else’s. Instead be authentic, own who you are.

#3 Let go of the outcome

We’ve all heard this one before. Although I’m a firm believer of not clinging to the outcome of anything, in this case my take on it is a bit different. As I mentioned above, I believe our lack of confidence can come from how we think others perceive us, and how we think we should be perceived by others. Getting clear on this can help you to make powerful mindset shifts to become more confident.

There’s a third way we undermine our confidence in ourselves that I think deserves to be mentioned. It’s one that I believe is often overlooked, but that many of us deal with. It has everything to do with how we look at opportunities. In the light of opportunities it’s easy to link lack of confidence with a fear of failure. But what about big opportunities and fear of success? With the fear of success, rather than letting go of the possible big and successful outcome (which I would advice people with a fear of failure to do), my take is to downplay the outcome altogether. Hang on to the outcome if you want to, just make sure you see it for what it really is. What I mean by that is that too often we blow things out of proportion, make them so big that we can’t imagine what would happen if we actually achieved them.

But the truth is no opportunity will open all doors at once, propel you to super-stardom overnight. Big opportunities might be big wins yes, but there’s probably an even bigger road ahead of you before you get to where you think this opportunity will take you. Your life won’t change overnight, so there’s no reason to be afraid it will.

I hope these tips will help you to be more confident about yourself. In the comments below I’d love to know what your tips are, or what you’re struggling with when it comes to being confident. So let me know.

How to boost your confidence as a creative perfectionist

High-achieving perfectionists are often multi-passionate creatives. Believe me, I know. I've always believed that creating requires you to disclose, and show a secret part of your yourself, of your soul. That this part is forever connected with anything that you've created.

Wouldn’t you say that putting a secret part of yourself out into the world, for everyone to see, might make even the most confident person a little insecure? Not to mention high-achieving perfectionists who'd rather not show anything at all, then present something less than perfect to the world?

Perfectionists or not, we all carry with us the weight of what we think others expect of us.

We all carry a heavy suitcase of beliefs, everywhere we go. We hold beliefs about everything and everyone, including ourselves. When it comes to those beliefs, we have an endless list of how we think we’re supposed to be. Often, though, those beliefs are not true. But that’s difficult to grasp, because we hardly ever question what we believe in. Beliefs that aren’t true are often called limiting beliefs, and perhaps you have heard of them before. They are so called because they limit you, either in your doing, your thinking, or even in your being.

A classical example of a limiting belief is when we hold onto a way of doing something simply because that’s the way we’ve always done it or were taught how to do it, like the belief that you need formal training or innate talent to call yourself an artist.

If we start questioning that kind of beliefs, most of them will not survive. In a larger setting, this is also called questioning the status quo. I have found this to be one of the ways to find more confidence in many areas of my life - as a writer, coach, woman, and also as an entrepreneur.

1. Question everything

So my first advice is to question everything. That’s the best way to uncover your limiting beliefs and to let go of them. When it comes to confidence, we have a lot of them. A prime example for creative people is the “I’ll never be good enough” belief.

But there are many others. All of them helping to lower your self esteem and keep you from fully expressing yourself. Whenever your inner critic talks you down, or whenever a thought about you not being good enough or creative enough pops into your mind, question that thought.

Why wouldn’t you be good enough?
Is what that voice is saying to you really true?
What is the truth here?

2. Surround yourself with like-mined people

A confidence booster that always does it for me is to surround myself with like-minded people.

If I don’t feel confident about my writing, I’ll surround myself with writers who know my pains and insecurities, and who share them with me. If I’m not sure about any aspect of my life (not just the creative parts of me), I’ll try to surround myself with people who I share that aspect of my life with. Guaranteed confidence booster, especially if followed by the mantra: If they can to it, so can I.

3. Show your talent

Another option, albeit a more daring one, is to show your talents to others.

As a writer, that means publishing your words, or sharing them aloud or in a writer’s group, as a painter or another visual creative, that might be to exhibit your work or try to sell it.

Whatever your creative field is, there's something tangible that you can create and that others can see. Show it to them. In most cases, you’ll understand that things are really much better than you think they are, and that your creative work is worth it.

4. Realise that nothing is ever perfect

A big one for me was to realise that nothing is ever perfect. As a high-achieving perfectionist who loved to always be in control, being creative – although it was my calling and inner nature – was difficult for a long time.

Being creative requires that you let go of control, that you surrender to your creativity. Not an easy task for me! But I was able to slowly let go of having everything the way I thought I needed it to be by:

• putting myself out there,

• surrounding myself with like-minded people,

• and questioning my beliefs about myself and my creative skills.

As a result, I accepted that things were what they were, that creativity is magickal and, although uncontrollable, that we can cultivate it, that what I created, as long as I did my best, was good just the way it was.

5. The person you need to convince is you

This brings me to my final and most important point. In most cases, boosting your confidence when it comes to your creative skills only requires you to convince yourself that you are a creative person.

Everyone else around you already knows, and doesn’t question what you are capable of doing or what you're creating. In most cases, you're the one that doesn’t believe:

• start by introducing yourself as the artist that you are,

• write a bio of yourself, or an elevator pitch, and test it out on people,

• see how they react,

• use those reactions to convince yourself that yes, indeed, you are creating beautiful and worthy things!

The more you practice, the more it will become real to you.

The more you'll realize that being an artist is a mindset, way of life in which you decide to show a little part of your soul – however imperfect – to the world.