How to learn from criticism without letting it take you down

I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For years, I’ve dreaded criticism more than anything else. Because every time someone criticized me, it was a reminder that I was not perfect – something that was really hard for me to bare – and a painful reminder that I wasn’t pleasing someone else.

The funny thing is, for all those years, I actually thought I could handle criticism pretty well. I prided myself on it. When someone would criticize me, I’d think I was handling it in the best way possible, listening and engaging in a conversation about it, and giving space to the opinion of those who criticized me, pretending it was for my own good. But I was wrong.

Constructive criticism was having the opposite effect on me. It wasn’t making me become a better person at all, it was just hurting me to listen to what someone had to say about me.

For many years, constructive criticism was something I really couldn’t handle, and it was totally wasted on me or, worse, it would take me down and I would need time to recover.

And that’s how it is with many people-pleasers. The need to please is so strong that anything that gets in the way of that – like criticism, even the good kind – will be devastating.

So how do you benefit from constructive criticism without letting it take you down?

#1: What people say about you – even if it’s useful to you – does not define you.

You are much more, immensely more, than the comments that someone makes about you. So don’t give those words more meaning than they have, or more power. It’s good to have an open mind and listen to other people’s opinions, even if it’s about you, and even if it’s not all that positive, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or not a nice person, or not worthy of love. People criticizing you has nothing to do with any of that, and should never define you. You define you; nobody else does.

#2: You are not here to please others, you’re here to love yourself first.

It’s good to listen to constructive criticism, because depending on what it’s about, it can really help you: to be a better version of yourself, to have more meaningful relationships, or to improve on pretty much any area of your life and business or career. But, you’re not here to please others. That’s not your purpose on this planet. So it’s not because someone criticizes you that your world should end, or that you even have an obligation to listen. I believe that you’re here to love yourself first and foremost, and that means that you only need to listen if you feel it will help you, and that that in turn will make you a happier person.

#3: Keep your ego out of it.

My ego has been one of the biggest struggles for me to overcome in order to move past people-pleasing (and many other things, believe me). That little voice, the everlasting critic that really makes your life difficult and unpleasant, does not come from the outside, but from within. And when someone gives you constructive comments about yourself, that little thing is going to kick and scream. The best way to really profit from what is being told to you is to let your ego out of it. It’s a hard thing to do, I know; it is a constant struggle for me. But it really is the best way, and it really will make you happier and more fulfilled in the end.

#4: Don’t confuse plain old cheap critique with constructive criticism.

Never forget that constructive criticism is meant to create, not to destroy. As a people-pleaser, it’s difficult to understand the difference, and to know what to listen to and what not to. My rule of thumb is to always try and see things from the other person’s perspective. I ask myself: What would I think if I was in her shoes? And that helps me to listen with an open mind and see the experience as a way for me to grow.

In the end, it’s up to you what you do with constructive criticism. You can choose not to listen to it. But, ever since I’ve started listening better, I’ve been able to “handle it” better, and I’ve profited from it. It’s helped me to get to know myself better, and to explore parts of me that were more challenging to get in touch with. And overall, it made me happier.

How about you? How are you dealing with constructive criticism?

How to listen to your intuition, especially when it’s saying “no”

Intuition is something beautiful. It’s a mix of intrinsic knowledge, past experiences, and picking up on the energies that are all around us. And I’m not saying this in a woo woo way. I mean situations like when a particular person enters a room, and the entire room is lit up. Or, quite to the contrary, when a person enters the party, and all of a sudden the mood is busted – for good. That’s energy, and it’s the kind I’m talking about here. We’ve all experienced this at least once in our lives. So have you. And, when you come to think of it, when you were in the presence of the person that busted the party, you probably just knew that something was off with them. And that, dear girlfriend, was your intuition talking.

But maybe you didn’t notice your intuition, or maybe you didn’t hear it at all. Because although we’re all born with intuition and strong instincts, as we grow older, a lot of us lose touch with it. And I was no exception to this.

Although I was a very intuitive child, and a small girl that looked at the world with my feelings more than my eyes, I lost that connection to the deeper part of me almost entirely as I grew up. So for the biggest part of my adult life, I didn’t know I had intuition, nor did I hear it calling out to me.

When I stepped into my adult self, I tried so hard to silence my intuition in favour of what I thought was expected of me – or worse – what I thought I needed to think or be like in order to be loved, accepted, and ultimately be successful in my life and my businesses. And I played a very good trick on myself by becoming very good at it, to the point that I lost my intuition almost entirely.

As one of my main goals of these past few years, I vowed to reconnect with myself on a deeper level, and listening to my intuition has been a major part of that.

What started as a little voice inside of me, after a few months, became a strong sense of knowing what to do in a lot of situations. Like when you meet someone and you instinctively know something is off or that this person is not made for you. Well, by silencing my intuition, I had come to neglect those thoughts and feelings, and to allow too many people into my life and businesses, even while somehow knowing that that was wrong. Leaving very little room for those who actually mattered. And leaving me drained of mental and emotional energy on too many occasions.

Throughout the past years, I’ve started to rely on my intuition more and more. In my private life, it made me decide to let go of friendships that weren’t really meant for me and to allow new kinships to flourish – ones that I never would have thought of before, but that turned out to be amongst the best connections I’ve ever made. In my businesses, it has helped to guide me and decide what routes to take and what not to do, by really thinking about what I wanted most for myself and for my team.

But more than that, I learned to say no. Because so often your intuition will tell you to. And that was a big one for me. Both in my private life and in my businesses. Privately, listening to the urge to say no and create boundaries for myself allowed me to choose better who I give all of my love to and for whom there is no room in my life. But more than that, I learned to accept my deeper needs and to listen to them more. Like deciding that I need some time alone sometimes to nourish my soul.

Now, when it comes to business, our intuition will speak to us very often, too.

I was raised believing that yes was the only word that mattered in business, and that any customer or client was a good one who you needed to cherish. Over the years, this belief has caused me quite a lot of trouble, stress, and heartache. By listening to my intuition more, especially when it told me not to engage with a particular client or project, I’ve realised how powerful and important ‘No’ is in business.

So, there too, I learned to say ‘no’ more often than ‘yes’.

The result? A better bottom line, happier clients, and a more productive team. Because when you get to pick who you work with, business simply becomes better.

But now, how to listen to your intuition? And how to say no?

#1 Be open to listening to what your intuition is trying to tell you

Try to schedule time with yourself and listen. And when you have a decision to make, or you feel that something bothers you, or even in any other situation in your life… before acting, try to really feel into the moment. And ask yourself: What do I really want? How do I really feel about this? I promise, if you keep at it, your intuition will speak to you.

#2 Practice on the small things first

Rekindling your intuition, and following its lead, is not something that happens overnight. You must practice and be willing to keep listening to the deeper parts of you and what they need to tell you. And when your intuition first shows up after a long time, it can be scary, and you might not be sure you can trust yourself. So it’s okay to start small. Maybe you told yourself you needed to do something today, but in listening to your intuition, you know you should actually be doing something else instead. So do that. And once you feel comfortable and trust your intuition more, you can follow it more and more.

#3 Let me get back to you on that

Saying no is not easy. It requires a lot of strength and courage sometimes, and asks us to confront instead of comply. And that is difficult for everyone, but especially for us women, who were raised to be good girls. But your intuition will become very loud and very clear about your boundaries at some point, and when that happens, you’ll need to learn to say no. To ease you into it, here’s a trick that works miracles almost every time. When someone asks something of you, or in any other situation where you know you should say no, start by saying: “let me get back to you on that”. You’ll win precious time to prepare your ‘no’, and in many cases that will be enough to let the request vanish on its own.

I used to long for the days of my childhood when intuition and instinct came naturally to me, and for the ease of living this allowed. But I don’t long for it anymore, because I know that I still have both inside of me. I just needed to listen more closely to them, and to trust my intuition and my instincts more again. And by doing this, I’ve transformed my life. And given myself a sense of freedom in the world, and connected to it, in a way that I hadn’t felt in decades.

And so can you.

How to cope with criticism, even as a highly sensitive people-pleaser

A dear friend of mine recently received a very nasty email from one of her clients. In the email, the client blamed her for being the reason why everything in that client’s business was failing. An absurd accusation, considering my friend had done just the opposite by trying to warn her client about her lack of commitment towards her own business. And yet, my friend took it very personally. To her, it almost felt like the world was ending. That email made her feel like a bad person. In a very open and deep conversation we had about it, we explored why people-pleasers are so sensitive to criticism.

My friend is an amazing woman. She has two children, helps her husband out with his business, takes care of her household, works with clients, and helps entrepreneurs to be successful online. And she does all that without ever complaining. She’s always positive. Truly, she’s an admirable person, and I really love her. So why could one criticizing email, itself the result of my friend trying to help her client, make her feel so bad? How can someone who achieves and does so much, who is so inspiring and good, be so devastated by the opinion of one single individual? Well, simply… she’s a people-pleaser. Just like me.

As people-pleasers, when someone criticizes us, sends us bad vibes, is angry at us, or gives us any sort of negative attention, we feel horrible. We take things personally. Always. And after we’ve overcome the shock of the attack, we only have one idea in mind: how can we make things right? How can we get this person to like us again, bring the scales back into balance, and make the nastiness go away? Because, for people-pleasers, any form of negativity is scary. We think it means we won’t be loved... that we are not worthy, not good enough.

That fear is what makes us want to please everyone to begin with. And it’s a very difficult and tiring way to spend our days, pleasing everyone being an impossible task to undertake. We can never please everyone: it’s simply impossible. The energy we put into trying to please others, and the worry that comes from receiving nastiness (like the email my friend got), is what keeps us from living happy and fulfilled lives.

Being so highly sensitive to criticism is difficult, and gives us a lot of pain. It also makes us really bad at listening to positive feedback. Believe me, I know (and so does my husband, the poor fellow). But along my journey to self-love, I learned a few strategies that really help ease the sting of nastiness, put things into perspective, and allow me to move past any type of criticism and into positive action.

1. Never take anything personally.

I owe this one to Don Miguel Ruiz from “The Four Agreements”. This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given, and a mantra for a people-pleaser like me. People-pleasers always take things personally. That is the birthing ground of all the pain and suffering that ensues. So, being able to detach yourself from the situation and to look at things from a different perspective can be really liberating. It won’t always work, and it won’t make the sting go away completely, but it will ease your heart and calm you down.

2. Whatever someone says about you doesn’t define who you are.

By the age of 25, we have all lived close to ten thousand hours. Now, imagine how many experiences that amounts to. Or how many words were spoken during that time. Whatever your path, these are likely to be big numbers. Remember these numbers when the words of one single individual make you question yourself. You’ll know in your heart that what you’re feeling just isn’t real.

3. Never worry alone.

I’ve gotten this little gem from Dr. Hallowell. And for me, it’s a magic worker. One of the biggest issues that I have as a people-pleaser is the ‘worry chatter’ inside my head. When I encounter a negative experience, the chatter begins. And as time goes by, the louder it gets. The only way to silence it is to talk about it with someone else – a real person, that is, not the little mean girl in my head! So now, when something bothers me, I’ve made it a habit to stop whatever I’m doing and pick up the phone to call a friend. This simple act of expressing how I feel and telling my story shuts that little mean thing right up. Every time.

4. Cover yourself with a blanket of self-love.

I owe a lot to Julie Parker, life coach extraordinaire and founder of the Beautiful You Life Coaching Academy. More than she will ever know. But if I had to single out one thing, I would say that she’s the person who gave me permission to love myself. It transformed me and made me into the woman I am today. Now it’s my turn to pass those wise words down to you. Whenever you feel hurt, sad, all alone, attacked, misunderstood, or any other negative emotion, cover yourself with a blanket of self-love. Just be good to you, nurture yourself, and be compassionate for the vulnerable and real person who you are.

5. Be open to different perspectives. There is always a lesson.

As a final note, it’s important to stress that not all criticism is bad or meant to hurt. On the contrary, most of the time, criticism is nothing more than good-intentioned, pragmatic feedback, meant to help you move forward. And that’s often difficult to grasp for people-pleasers. I invite you to try and be open to the perspectives of those who offer their opinions, and see if there’s a lesson in there that you could learn. More often than not, there will be, and it will be something valuable that, if taken to heart, could make a big difference in your life.

But if it’s really just plain old cheap and easy criticism for the sake of being nasty.... Well, there’s a lesson there, as well. That person is not your people, and it is simply time for you to move on.

5 effective ways to overcome your need for approval

For a very long time in my life, and for as far back as I can remember, I was always looking for people’s approval. After years of introspection and learning how to love myself, though, and overcome the hardship I had been through growing up, I was able to let go of that constant need for someone else to approve of my life.

If you’re anything like I was, you are longing for a different life, one in which you are sure of yourself, and where your intuition tells you where to go and how to get there, as well as one where other people’s opinions of you don’t matter that much – or even at all.

I’m proof that such a life is possible, and I know that you too can have it. Yes, it can be hard, and yes, it requires you to dig deep into yourself, but believe me: the rewards outweigh the effort a thousand fold.

On my personal journey to self-love, digging deep into myself, I learned a few effective ways to overcome this constant need for approval that I had lived with for so many years. And today I’m sharing what I learned with you.

1. Be attentive and notice your behavior.

The first step towards any change is taking an account of where you are now. To change your need for approval, it’s vital that you take note of when that behavior occurs and how. Try to be conscious about your actions throughout the day, and for a few days this week; take a few minutes at night to review your day and write down all that you’ve noticed about your approval-seeking behavior. Reflect and think of ways to avoid or change that behavior. And when you feel ready, start the process of change by putting some of those ideas into action.

2. Ask your friends and family for support.

When you have become more aware of your approval-seeking behavior, think of someone you are willing to confide in and ask for accountability when it comes to the changes you are trying to make in your life. Tell that person what your findings are and what you want for yourself, and ask them to help you by monitoring your behavior around them. When doing this, it’s important to also tell them how you want them to let you know what they notice – and ask them to only be positive, loving, and encouraging, but never punitive or negative, as this could in fact increase your needs for approval instead of helping you to move forward.

3. Rewire your brain.

One of the main things that helped me get out of my approval-seeking behavior was focusing on actively rewiring my brain. Through practices such as meditation, visualization, and yoga, I have realized that we are capable of changing our thought patterns and our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. This knowledge was a key element in getting me from a place of fear and unhappiness to the wholehearted and true life which I live now. Going back to step one, take a look at the list of your more prominent approval-seeking behaviors. For each of them, write down the belief that is causing the behavior. Once you have done this, rewrite the belief into a positive affirmation. Make a habit of going over your list on a daily basis – I do it every morning right before my morning meditation – and feel your brain change as a result of this habit.

Here’s an example from my own list.
Approval-seeking behavior: When someone does something or says something that hurts me, I keep it to myself.
Negative belief: If I speak up, people won't like me.
Positive affirmation: I'm a very likeable person. When people do or say something that hurts me I owe it to myself to speak up.

4. What’s the worse that could happen?

With the need for approval comes a lot of fear. Before I learned to really love myself, my life was filled with fear. I was scared of almost everything and everyone, and most of all, of myself. I was constantly on the look-out for people getting mad at me, and so I was trying to keep myself as small as possible around others in order to avoid conflict at all costs. But one day, I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick of the mask I was wearing and I needed to let go of all pretenses and just be me. While I was on my path to self-love, there was a question that wouldn’t let go of me. Over and over, I heard myself say: What’s the worst that could happen? Finally, I decided to answer that question, and when I did, I realized that whatever might come my way, it wasn’t nearly as bad as living a life of pretenses.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

After I realized that the worst that could happen to me wasn’t all that scary after all, I set out to test this new version of the world. Whatever I had to do, and whomever I was going to interact with, I decided I was going to be as true to myself as I could be, not thinking about the consequences and just seeing what would happen. I called this my experiments. From that moment on I would tell my friends when I felt our relationship was out of balance and I wasn’t getting my share of the friendship. Or only say yes to things I really wanted to. The results where liberating! Of course, some people didn’t like the new me. But most where supportive and even grateful that I was finally being the real me. Thanks to practicing being the real me so much, I was quickly able to create a new mental library of positive experiences that made my fears and my need for approval slowly but surely fade away. And the process to get there was fun and engaging, too. The more I allowed myself to be me, the more I attracted cool people into my life. As a result, new friendships were made, existing ones were deepened, and a new sense of happiness, love, and compassion for the world emerged.

I hope I’ve been able to inspire you. If so, I would encourage you to pick something you want to work on today, and take off the mask to let the real you shine bright. You are beautiful and amazing. You don’t need to be perfect. You are just right the way you are.

And if you feel like it, let me know how you’re doing below – I would love to hear from you.

May you love yourself unconditionally, always.