Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
Why do fast learners feel like imposters, and how to turn it into a superpower instead
Have you ever felt like that thing you know how to do isn’t special or unique because if you know how to do it, everybody else must know how to do it too? Does this cycle sound familiar?
Get excited about new thing.
Research new thing.
Fall into a rabbit hole about new thing.
Learn more.
Rabbit hole some more.
Fix the thing.
Excited to tell everyone about the new stuff you know.
Get bored (nobody seems to care).
Move on.
Maybe somewhere in there, you think you can offer this service to other people, get excited about doing so, and then start believing everyone else must already know how to do it and why would they want to learn from you anyways…right?
I can honestly say that I spent a lot of my life feeling the same way. Well, at least until I debunked this idea and started recognizing that this just isn’t true. Most people aren’t like that. Most people see a problem and maybe get excited to learn about it for a little while but then ultimately decide they can’t do it on their own. So they give up. Or they never get excited to begin with and let their lack of knowledge stop them from pushing forward until they find someone else to help them navigate the problem.
That is, there are people who see a problem and learn ten different ways to fix it, and there are people who call the problem solvers for help. And you know this because your phone or DMs are piping hot with calls and messages!? Even in corporate roles, you might be the one asked by someone in a completely different department to help them with something that isn’t even in your job description. Why? Because they know you know how to solve it. Duh!
And yet - we still think this skill isn’t worth something? The part of me that has been healing my inner child for 20+ years believes it probably came from my parents, but in reality, it could have come from anywhere. I think we are programmed to feel this way by our environment. You know that saying, “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with,” well, it’s true. If the five people closest to you are telling you that what you know how to do isn’t that special and no one will care - you’re going to believe it. You’re going to feel like an impostor.
Unfortunately, I’m sure it bears repeating, it’s not true. It’s not only about all the stuff you know, it’s deeper than that: it’s about your capacity to learn new things and your insatiable hunger for knowledge. If you’re anything like me, you believe that is common to all people too! So why would you be any more capable to understand complex things or learn yourself a new skill than the next person? Well… because you’re a creative, a generalist, an entrepreneur. You are special and unique for knowing how to do it, and people will want to use those [your] skills in their life and business. You are worthy.
This ability is how our brain is structured. It’s literally a superpower!
So, what sets creatives and entrepreneurs apart from other people? Why is it our default to learn and find solutions to things? I’ve narrowed it down to three things:
We’re self-starters. We have this intrinsic motivation and confidence to begin projects on our own. We also have the resilience to navigate challenges and find alternative routes to the information and skills we are trying to learn.
We have a hunger for knowledge. We literally want to learn the thing and until we learn it, nothing will get in our way. Think about all the times you were interested in something and the rest of the world started to fall away until you’d finished learning about it. That hunger to learn is what keeps our motivation moving.
We have an incredible capacity to learn new things. It is easier to become a self-starter and cultivate a hunger for knowledge - these are learned traits - but the capacity to learn new things is something we are born with.
Moreover, we have never met a problem we couldn’t solve. We know deep down that we can learn and do anything we set our minds to. This knowledge is so ingrained in us that it can be jarring to think that other people don’t possess these traits. Of course, they must have them; how could they not? Right? But they don’t. And that’s okay. This difference in brain structure is something completely unique to us and something that can greatly impact not only your life and work but the life and work of others.
Now that we understand this, how can we truly accept it? Because really, it’s one thing to understand, and it’s another thing to accept a new reality. Understanding is easy to argue with. Acceptance is deeply rooted and helps challenge our past perceptions so we can hold firm to what actually is.
To accept that we are uniquely capable of learning things and doing things when others are not - and that others will, and do, need our help with these things - we must:
Stop negating it. Stop correcting people when they praise you for knowing how to do something. Stop pretending that they could do it too. Stop telling them they can. Take the compliment, let it swell in your heart, and replace the old ideas that everyone is capable of this.
Let that initial praise grow into confidence, but keep cultivating confidence on your own. When you start to feel like an imposter, work through those feelings. Try and figure out where they come from and then treat them like an episode of Myth Busters - prove why you’re wrong. And if you can’t, check out my blog on how to overcome imposter syndrome.
Debunk your doubts. Instead of believing every negative thought that pops into your head or the voice of your third-grade teacher who told you you weren’t capable of something, start listening to that other voice in your mind that says you are capable. The one thing people don’t talk about is how when we hear a doubt pop up in our mind, we also hear another voice saying, “That’s not true.” The problem is that the other voice is so quiet, we tend to believe it less. But if you can find the strength to listen to that small voice, you’ll give it the courage to get louder. The more you listen, the more it will call to you over the roar of your doubts until one day, your doubts are the quiet voice, and the little voice is the big one.
You are innately capable of doing so many incredible things. You have to stop thinking that just because you can do something, everyone else must be able to do it, and therefore your work or thoughts on the matter are not worthwhile. Stop getting in your own way with these thoughts. I promise that not only are you special for being able to do that thing, but there’s also someone waiting for you to help them with that knowledge.
Want to learn how to debunk your doubts?
We all have them - doubts. But the really successful people don’t believe in them. They hear them and let them go.
This is a skill that can be learned and grown. It just takes time, attention, and some coaching. That’s where I come in. With my help, we can isolate your doubts and watch them crumble so you can finally go after the career or business that you want!
How to unleash your full potential for success and overcome self-sabotage
The three biggest things holding you back from reaching your full potential for success are excuses, procrastination, and yes-buts. That’s it.
Everyone gets overwhelmed at some point in their lives and work. We have responsibilities that rely on our work but also tend to get in the way of it. When we use those responsibilities as ways to explain why we haven’t gotten something done or haven’t allowed ourselves to change in some way, we are just keeping ourselves stuck.
Instead of finding reasons why we can’t do something we want to do, we have to realize that we are in control of our destiny. We can make whatever choices we want. In fact, in coming up with excuses or procrastinating, we are making a choice. We are actively inhibiting our ability to reach our full potential for success.
We are self-sabotaging our dreams.
Think about the attorney who dreams of being an author. Every time they feel the urge to write their novel, they get distracted by their family, legal work, or and their inbox or develop the urge to clean the house. Every day they miss their dreams or taking a step in its direction. You might look at the attorney and say, “Hey! Just write!” And it is that simple, but when did you last listen that advice?
Two of the most common ways we make excuses and self-sabotage are procrastination and yes, but-ing. When I talk about procrastination in sessions, the first thing my clients tell me is how disappointed they are with themselves for procrastinating. They feel ashamed and guilty and can’t seem to understand why they can’t just do the thing - why they keep getting in their own way.
The truth is we self-sabotage because we have a lack of motivation, a fear of failure or criticism, and difficulty defining our goals and tasks. It’s not that we have a lack of vision; it's almost as if we have too much vision, too much energy. Also, for those of us who are neurodivergent, procrastination tends to make work more interesting. We get a thrill from waiting until the last minute and pulling a project out of nowhere. But, while that might work one or two times, it’s not sustainable and will ultimately lead to burnout.
The other type of excuse is yes, but-ing. This is where you agree with someone while simultaneously making an excuse as to why you can’t do something.
“Yes, you’re right, I could do that, but…”
“Yes, I know, but…”
“Well, normally I’d say yes, but…”
Yes, buts are statements that chop off your dominant hand before you even get going. They limit you from your true potential, block your path to success, and create space for doubt - in your mind and the mind of others.
For instance, let’s say you had always dreamed of being an astronaut, but when you were in college, you failed physics. Now, you’d had a severe case of mono and were extremely sick. You should have dropped the course, but you were determined to pass. So even though you had a 102 fever for three weeks leading up to the final, and even though your teacher told you to retake the course because of all your absences from being sick, you took the final anyway and failed terribly.
Someone who doesn’t make excuses would look at this experience and say, “This sucks.” But they would take it over because they wanted to be an astronaut. But you decided that you failed physics because you were terrible at physics. When people said, “You failed because you were sick,” you responded, “Yes, I see what you are saying, but I failed because I am terrible at physics. I couldn’t be an astronaut because I couldn’t pass physics.” You limited yourself. You stopped yourself from reaching your full potential and doing something cool! - because you saw your failing grade as an excuse.
You self-sabotaged.
So how do we stop? One of the ways to stop making excuses for ourselves is to recognize that we are making an excuse and address it.
Is the excuse valid? Would I believe it if someone else said it to me?
Why am I afraid of moving forward? What is that fear trying to tell me?
What’s the worst that can happen?
If I listen to this excuse and do nothing, what will happen?
What will happen if I don’t listen to this excuse and take action instead?
Do I really want to change?
What is my next step here?
Other ways to shake up your thoughts and stop self-sabotaging include:
Flip your “yes, buts” to “yes, ands.”
Get organized and clear your work and living space.
Limit distractions as much as possible.
Celebrate small wins along the way.
You know that saying, “everything you want is just outside your comfort zone,” is true. When you leave your comfort zone of cushy excuses and sweet self-sabotage, you start getting what you are working for. You stop feeling like the world is working against you and instead begin seeing how it works with you.
The end of self-sabotage is the beginning of success. Don’t forget that!
Ready to stop self-sabotaging?
Sabotaging ourselves can sometimes feel like it is ingrained in our bones. So how can you be expected to break free?
With my help, of course. In our sessions, we will work together to figure out the root cause of your self-sabotaging tendencies and create behavioral tools to help you flip those automatic responses so you can finally achieve your full potential for success.
Being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion
Have you ever inadvertently let go of control? Dropped the mask? Fallen out of your *roles* in life? Felt like you were being too much, even for a minute?
You know what I’m talking about. That moment when something within you surfaces, and you become an observer. You’re trying to contain yourself, but you simply can’t. *It* has to come out. You’re restless, sleepless, pacing, your inner voice screams, stutters. There’s no way to hold back the anxiety, the tears, the anger, or the joy.
Eventually, something has to give.
You let go of the reins. Loosen them (because I mean, letting go – even a little – you’re still a very put together human, aren’t you?). Show a side of you that only you know exists.
This letting go does something, relieves something, creates something new. It certainly doesn’t feel all that bad. But then, your inner critic takes over and screams at you, what the hell is wrong with you!? Shame sets in, telling you that you’re…
Too much.
Too loud.
Too foolish.
Too demanding.
Too out of control.
The voice hides the fact that you did nothing wrong. But still, you struggle and keep apologising. You try to make up for your “bad” behaviour – because for some reason it feels threatening to the well put together you.
Many have felt this way. I’ve certainly been there many times. Maybe you have too…
As creative, multi-passionate, high-achieving women it’s hard to live up to society’s expectations. We’re taught to play the part early on in our lives. We’re expected to be nice, anything but loud. Although many of us become *really* good at it, it’s a struggle to remain composed all the time, and to feel constrained by the pressure to be what we’re not.
This keeps us from letting go, and stepping into the fullness of who we are.
Light and dark.
Soft and hard.
Strong and fragile.
Courageous and afraid.
Put together and a mess.
Happy and sad.
The conditioning is strong, which makes it hard to shed.
You can’t just dance on the bar counter, or let the mask fall completely, now can you? Sometimes you ignore the nagging voice in your head and indulge in small ways. You eat that piece of chocolate cake, even if she tells you that you shouldn’t; or you buy something for yourself, even if she tells you not to. Perhaps you spend time doing nothing at all for once – yet, even that feels like you’re breaking a rule, and doing something wrong.
The guilt is always there.
Just last week, I had a conversation about this with a client who went through such a moment. This always-so-composed human let go for a few hours at a party recently. All of a sudden so much emotion and frustration came out. She made a *scene*. Afterwards she felt shattered, as if she’d done something horribly wrong, when in fact she’s an incredible person. Why did she feel uncomfortable and weighed down by revealing such a pure and raw part of herself? Of her truth?
This heart-to-heart was an honest assessment of the work needed for expansion, beyond the mask, and into liberation, freedom, and courage. What my client did that night is one of the hardest things she (or anyone else trying hard to hold everything together) could do.
The truth is, this was a way to take back control, not surrender to it.
This was an act of rebellion.
Liberation requires transformation. It can be rough to the edges, because we need to reclaim the lost parts of ourselves in the process, our wildly creative and expressive spirit. That of a full embodied human.
Breaking free is hard. But it’s also growth and beauty.
I believe there’s way too many false have-tos in our lives. They keep us so small, exhausted, stressed-out. Far away from our power and potential.
The challenge is to pay attention to our inner fire, not muffle it away as being wrong. Only so can we find our way back to the things that really matter. Only so will we ever be free.
So here’s to being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion.
How to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself
Setting personal boundaries is unfortunately something a lot of women struggle with. I know I do. As women, we grow up with the idea that in order to be valuable we have to be *of* value and service to others. This belief has become so ingrained in us, that setting boundaries and learning to put ourselves first not only seems like a scary task, but one that comes laden with guilt.
It’s not that it’s bad to give of ourselves to our families, friends, communities and work. It’s that if we over-extend ourselves to others, we put ourselves on the back burner of our own lives.
We end up being lived, instead of being fully alive.
That’s why we need healthy boundaries. They set the standard on how we want to be treated, and help us regain control over our existence.
Why We Fail to Set Boundaries
Societies all over the world teach girls that we must be good, quiet, polite and obedient. Women grow up (I’m one of them) learning that showing *too much* emotion will be frowned upon. We learn to be understanding, say “Yes” even (especially) when we want to say “No”.
When we say yes to everyone’s dream instead of our own, we experience a slow death of the soul. My bet is, if you can relate to any of these good girl symptoms you probably can relate to this soul-death as well.
As women, we have learnt how to settle in and with our lives for far too long. We have been trained to give our power away. Expected to let others make decisions for, and about us.
No wonder so many of us never learned how to set healthy boundaries.
Guilt
What happens when we do decide to put ourselves first? Guilt sets in. We get worried and anxious about what everyone will think of us:
Will they be upset?
Will they like me less
Will they still love me?
Standing up for yourself is hard work. It’s uncomfortable. It requires discipline, perseverance and devotion. It took me YEARS to be able to speak my truth, express what I needed, and stand up for myself. Even today, when I enforce a personal boundary, I immediately feel the pull to make things right. Guilt, shame, fear never fail to show up. As if I’d done something terrible wrong.
Does this sound familiar?
If it does, I want you to know that none of this is real. It’s all programming.
To liberate ourselves from guilt we need to understand that the only validation we truly need is our own. When we constantly look outside of ourselves for it, our boundaries are ALWAYS at risk. In fact, some of us put off making big life decisions and wait until they’re made for us, simply because we think we’re not allowed to.
That’s been me a few too many times in my life: selling a house a loved because my partner didn’t like it, chasing material success to gain my parents’ approval, accepting bullying and gossip from in-laws because I was expected to become part of the family, …
This sensitivity to the opinions of others and the need to do the right thing – and be the right woman – comes from the many centuries women lived under the rule and control of good old patriarchy. Again, it’s all learned beliefs and behavior.
In order to stop feeling guilty about choosing myself I had to reprogram my mind with new beliefs, and leave consensus reality behind for the real world: the one in which there’s nothing wrong with me to begin with (whatever the media and society are telling me), the one where I’m the leader of my own life.
If you want to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself you have to reset your beliefs about yourself and the world too.
You have to free yourself.
Patriarchy: What it is?
Patriarchy refers to the social construct in which it’s the accepted norm that men have more authority, power and privilege than women. This bias towards men permeate all levels of society – from conventional religious and political roles to family structures, where men are viewed as the head: the decision maker and the one who has the final say.
Patriarchal societies (the oppressive power of which is still present in the world today) are often patrilineal: properties, titles and other forms of wealth are passed down male lines only. An example of this is the Salic Law, excluding women from royal succession. Such laws – although ancient – are still very much alive. Belgium, for instance, home to yours truly and – incidentally – a monarchy, only allowed women to inherit the royal title in 1991. Not a time before time, but right when R.E.M. were losing their religion.
Another example of patriarchy are the earliest memories I have of my mother and money. She took care of it, made ends meet, but wasn’t allowed to open a bank account without my father’s consent.
The same is true for being allowed to work, own property, get a divorce without losing everything – including your children, and the right to vote (to name just a few things). American women weren’t allowed to vote until 1920 and British women were allowed to vote in 1918, given they were over 30.
But it doesn’t stop there. Bias, stereotypes, and discrimination towards women can be found throughout history. In fact, it’s been built into it. Women have had to fight every step of the way to achieve the same basic rights as men. For many, this is still an ongoing struggle today.
How could anyone NOT feel guilty for choosing themselves in such a context.
How to Stop Feeling Guilty
Letting go of over-giving and the fear that comes from standing up for yourself takes time, commitment and effort. It requires a complete paradigm shift to reprogram your thoughts, change your beliefs and eventually reclaim your life. Saying “No”, taking up the space you deserve, and protecting your time are all part of the process. They’re all steps towards putting yourself first.
This paradigm shift will get you to see that your needs are just as important – you are just as important – as everyone else.
Choosing yourself is a life-long practice, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get at it. As you become aware of your default thoughts and actions when you’re called to put yourself first, change will happen. Eventually your practice will be rewarded. Choosing yourself will become natural.
You’ll be (guilt) free.
What has your experience with setting boundaries and choosing yourself been like? Let me know in the comments below.
The greatest love of all to love yourself
I watched the Whitney Houston documentary on Netflix yesterday. I cried. A couple of times. Her story is sad, and tragic. Obviously I shed some tears for that. Witnessing the rise and fall of one of the most beautiful voices of our time will not leave you undisturbed.
But to be honest, mostly, I cried for me.
Over the years I’ve honed the craft to become inconsolably melancholic in a split second, especially when I’m reminded of my life through my senses: the gentle smell of coffee filling the kitchen from my childhood home, a return visit to the neighborhood I grew up in, or in this case songs I used to play over and over on my Walkman as a 15 year old.
It’s hard to imagine, knowing how much I played those songs, that I’d forgotten about the huge Whitney Houston fan I used to be. And maybe less so about the huge mistake perm I convinced my mom I needed to get in order to fit in at school. Biggest lesson of 1990: hair grows very slowly.
It’s incredible what the mind remembers. It never stops to amaze me. Given the right cues drawers of memories open up to us, giving us a chance to poke our noses into the many moments that make up our pasts. The best part is, we never know what we’re going to get. Or when it’s going to happen!
Like yesterday. As I was settling into the documentary a strange feeling of déjà vu came over me.
I couldn’t quite place it at first, but halfway through the thing it hit me: I’d seen this footage before! Not in another documentary or randomly. No, what I realized was that I was recognizing what I was seeing.
I always get a bit weird when that happens. I also like it a lot because it brings me into a somewhat altered state of being. Perhaps it happens to you to sometimes too. You’re looking at, reading, or listening to something then all of a sudden you realize you were a witness to it before. You were present during the actual moment of creation of that thing. In other words: you were there!
Coming to this conclusion always brings me back to the limits of my own existence. Which in and of itself is a spiritual experience. That’s why I like it so much. It reminds me of what’s important.
Through the old footage, the inevitable clip from The Bodyguard – I was 17 when that movie came out and totally smitten with Kevin Costner (sadly the romance ended when he grew gills and decided to go live in the ocean) – and the many, many songs…
I remembered.
Who I used to be. My teenage years. The dreams, and goals of a 15 year old. The heartbreak that followed my first love.
The things I stood for, cared about, and believed in before I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. That I needed to be someone else. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence that the Whitney Houston documentary is called “Can I be me?”. Is there even such a thing as coincidences?
Being taken down memory lane like that has a different effect on me depending on how I stand in my life when it happens.
Often though it will make me wonder: Where have all the years gone? Yesterday was no exception. I asked myself that question. To be honest, I’m not sure. I spent so many of those years trying to please everyone around me, trying to not have the anxious thoughts I had, trying so hard to mold myself into a perfect version of who I thought I needed to be… It’s all a little blurry.
There’s one thing I do know.
When I was 15 I was awake, in love with life.
Then at 35 I woke up again, when I finally remembered that the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself.
Orgasms are good for you. You should add them to your self-love practice
There, I said it. Orgasms. That’s what I want to talk about today. About how they’re good for you, how they help keep you healthy, can make you love yourself more, and why I think you should consider adding orgasms to your self-love practice.
I’ve been binge watching Masters of Sex on Netflix recently. I started on a Sunday afternoon, randomly, just looking for a quick R&R fix, and I’ve been hooked since. I enjoy watching the show – it’s set in the 60’s and 70’s, the actors are so talented (I have a real girl crush on Lizzy Caplan), and the mood fits the subject so beautifully – but that’s not what got me so hooked. What grabbed my attention is it’s subject: the scientific pursuit of knowledge about the female orgasm.
If you’ve watched the show you know there’s a lot of sex going on. Even if you haven’t, going by the title, I bet you’d kind of know. That’s not to say that it’s too much, or over the top. But it does put the subject front and center. Not only that, the show – because it’s set in a time before the sexual liberation of the 70’s – gives a well-paced, intelligent, sometimes hard, and probably pretty accurate account of how sex, orgasm, and masturbation were perceived, and understood, in a time were most of it was nothing but taboo.
That’s what makes the show so interesting to me, and why I wanted to talk about orgasms, and particularly about why I think enjoying them is a powerful self-love practice.
A quick dive into the history of the female orgasm is enough to understand how controversial a subject it’s always been, and how controlling it has always been a way to try and control women. Much like the history of women themselves: side-lined, oppressed, misunderstood, feared, yet never conquered, their power never really taken away. Of course we’ve come a long way since – at least in the Western world – both in terms of women rights and orgasms. But the taboo lingers on, and a lot of misconceptions remain. With it a lot of guilt, insecurity, and agitation.
I’ve always had what I would call a healthy relationship with my sexuality. I discovered masturabation at a young age, always enjoyed it, and although it wasn’t a guilt-free act at first, it wasn’t all that guilt-laden either (at least not consciously), rather something I intuitively knew required caution, and that I’d better keep to myself.
Still, it’s only in the last couple of years, through my journey of self-discovery, that the relationship I have with my orgasms matured, and that I realized I was in control of my own pleasure.
I also never bothered with the habits of my partners, and always felt that it was none of my business when, or why they wanted to make themselves feel good. I know that a lot of people think differently about this issue – especially women – and that within a relationship enjoying solo-pleasure is often considered a no-no. I remember one particular friend who gave her significant other a weekly interrogation about the subject, which predictably and unfortunately always ended with her calling me in tears.
My point is – and I’m shamelessly paraphrasing a line from the show here – that as human beings we have no problem satisfying our urges when it comes to hunger or thirst, but that our sexual needs have been the subject of so much debate, anguish, and even persecution throughout the whole of human existence – female sexual needs in particular. Since then, thankfully, a lot has been achieved, and the benefits of orgasm, and thus masturbation, are strongly established – even scientifically.
Among other things, having regular orgasms has been proved to be beneficial for a wide range of things, going from making you look younger, protecting your cardiovascular health, reducing stress, over boosting your immune system, all the way up to lowering rates of depression, and anxiety, and even possibly preventing breast cancer cells from developing into a tumor.
But we’re not there yet. Because to me – how wonderful all of these benefits might be – we, as a society, still have a hard time accepting that getting off is a need, and therefor that enjoying regular orgasms, just like eating when we’re hungry, or drinking when we’re thirsty, is essential to our well-being. In my own life I’ve been through periods without orgasms, sometimes because I gave away the control of my own pleasure to a partner (never a good idea, believe me), but more often because I let the busyness of life get in the way, something that I know a lot of women do. Each and every time this happened I experienced higher levels of stress, more anxiety, less appetite for life, and a dip in my overall health and feelings of joy.
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A few months ago I found myself in the same situation again. Working on multiple businesses at a time, trying to achieve big goals and dreams, I woke up one morning realizing I was letting this amazing source of pleasure slip away again. So I decided to make it part of my self-love practice again. Two months in, I can honestly say that it is life-changing. I already had a pretty good self-love routine, but adding some orgasms to the mix just makes everything better.
There’s another benefit that brings all of this home for me. Making a conscious commitment to pleasure is also good for you on a deeper, more soulful level. What I mean is that enjoying your orgasms is not simply a good self-love practice, it’s also good to teach you how to love yourself. By discovering, and understanding your physicality, your needs, and your sexual desires, and by allowing yourself to experiment with them, especially by taking control and giving into them, you are not only gaining more insight into who you really are, but developing a deeper sense of love, appreciation, and affection for yourself.
When you look at it like that, adding orgasms to your self-love practice becomes a conscious choice, a moment in space-time when you decide – every day – to choose yourself, to do something that has nothing but benefits for your well-being and your health, while literally making yourself feel amazingly good at the same time. And that to me is a powerful act of self-love, if not the most powerful one of all, and something that is yours, and yours alone, to have, to practice, and to own. So what are you waiting for?
It’s time to stop identifying sexual pleasure with true love, and start equating it with self-love instead.
I’d love to know about you. In the comments below, let me know what you think about sexual pleasure, orgasms and self-love. Or anything else this post brought up for you.
How to learn from criticism without letting it take you down
I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For years, I’ve dreaded criticism more than anything else. Because every time someone criticized me, it was a reminder that I was not perfect – something that was really hard for me to bare – and a painful reminder that I wasn’t pleasing someone else.
The funny thing is, for all those years, I actually thought I could handle criticism pretty well. I prided myself on it. When someone would criticize me, I’d think I was handling it in the best way possible, listening and engaging in a conversation about it, and giving space to the opinion of those who criticized me, pretending it was for my own good. But I was wrong.
Constructive criticism was having the opposite effect on me. It wasn’t making me become a better person at all, it was just hurting me to listen to what someone had to say about me.
For many years, constructive criticism was something I really couldn’t handle, and it was totally wasted on me or, worse, it would take me down and I would need time to recover.
And that’s how it is with many people-pleasers. The need to please is so strong that anything that gets in the way of that – like criticism, even the good kind – will be devastating.
So how do you benefit from constructive criticism without letting it take you down?
#1: What people say about you – even if it’s useful to you – does not define you.
You are much more, immensely more, than the comments that someone makes about you. So don’t give those words more meaning than they have, or more power. It’s good to have an open mind and listen to other people’s opinions, even if it’s about you, and even if it’s not all that positive, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or not a nice person, or not worthy of love. People criticizing you has nothing to do with any of that, and should never define you. You define you; nobody else does.
#2: You are not here to please others, you’re here to love yourself first.
It’s good to listen to constructive criticism, because depending on what it’s about, it can really help you: to be a better version of yourself, to have more meaningful relationships, or to improve on pretty much any area of your life and business or career. But, you’re not here to please others. That’s not your purpose on this planet. So it’s not because someone criticizes you that your world should end, or that you even have an obligation to listen. I believe that you’re here to love yourself first and foremost, and that means that you only need to listen if you feel it will help you, and that that in turn will make you a happier person.
#3: Keep your ego out of it.
My ego has been one of the biggest struggles for me to overcome in order to move past people-pleasing (and many other things, believe me). That little voice, the everlasting critic that really makes your life difficult and unpleasant, does not come from the outside, but from within. And when someone gives you constructive comments about yourself, that little thing is going to kick and scream. The best way to really profit from what is being told to you is to let your ego out of it. It’s a hard thing to do, I know; it is a constant struggle for me. But it really is the best way, and it really will make you happier and more fulfilled in the end.
#4: Don’t confuse plain old cheap critique with constructive criticism.
Never forget that constructive criticism is meant to create, not to destroy. As a people-pleaser, it’s difficult to understand the difference, and to know what to listen to and what not to. My rule of thumb is to always try and see things from the other person’s perspective. I ask myself: What would I think if I was in her shoes? And that helps me to listen with an open mind and see the experience as a way for me to grow.
In the end, it’s up to you what you do with constructive criticism. You can choose not to listen to it. But, ever since I’ve started listening better, I’ve been able to “handle it” better, and I’ve profited from it. It’s helped me to get to know myself better, and to explore parts of me that were more challenging to get in touch with. And overall, it made me happier.
How about you? How are you dealing with constructive criticism?