How to overcome the mental blocks that keep you from taking action

Through my work as a coach, I come across many women who want to achieve great things, but who fail to see things through, get stuck in a rut, or simply lack the motivation to keep at it until their goals are achieved. In many cases, the reason that these women don’t achieve what they set themselves out to do is based in their fear and limiting beliefs.

There are all kinds of fears and beliefs like this which can prevent women of all ages, backgrounds, and cultures from doing what they are passionate about.

And today I want to address the subject of fear, as I believe this is the number one mental block that keeps many women from achieving their dreams.

Before we take a good look at fear, I want to say up front that, to me, overcoming fear does not mean being totally absent of fear. Being fearless is not the absence of fear; rather, it’s having moved through fear, or past fear, based on the assumption that the result of taking action outweighs the uneasiness involved in doing so. So being fearless does not mean that you live without fear. Instead, it means you’re able to live with your fears – to really look at them and get to know them, and then befriend them on your journey towards accomplishing your goals.

Being afraid of something is human and, in many situations, a necessary and life-saving reflex. In the evolution of humankind, fear has helped our species stay alive and evolve into the intelligent and advanced societies and cultures we live in today. Unfortunately, although we don’t need all of those “fight or flight” reflexes anymore, fear is still a part of who we are.

Fear has evolved with us, provoking psychological, emotional, and even physical reactions that are separate from our surroundings. That is where the problem lies. We can be lying in bed or on the couch – protected, warm, having nothing to fear – and yet, in our heads, we are afraid and anxious. As a consequence, our bodies experience the stress reactions caused by fear. And, in turn, that causes mental blocks that keep us from taking action.

In order to recognize these fears for what they really are and learn how to overcome your mental blocks, I invite you to try the following exercise. Whenever fear is holding you back, I want you to…

1. Review your fears

A powerful question that has helped me and many of my clients is: What’s the worst that can happen? Whenever you experience fear, ask yourself this question and write down everything you can possibly think of. When your list is ready, review the items and try to identify the worst outcome. Now compare that worst outcome with the life you’ll have if you don’t pursue your passion, goals, or dreams.

2. Embrace your fears

After you realize that your worst outcome is probably still much better than the unhappiness and unfulfilled life that might lie ahead of you if you don’t follow your passions, it is important to accept the fact that answering your calling will be scary sometimes, both now and in the future. But that is perfectly OK, and something we all experience. This is why befriending your fears and accepting them is really powerful, especially when you’re undertaking new and exciting things.

3. Transform your fears

A great way to live with your fears and make them work for you is to channel them into something empowering. Transform your negative, limiting beliefs into positive mantras that you repeat to yourself daily and your fears will change in your favor. This might be something as simple as starting to say “I can” instead of “I can’t”, or “yes, why not?” instead of “no, not me”.

Avoid letting fear shut you down
Whatever you do when you experience fear, I want you to take action and do whatever it takes to avoid shutting down. The simplest way to accomplish this, and get going again when fear hits you, is to sit with your fears and “do it anyway”. There’s no really easy way to do this, except through practice. Yet, by using fear as a trigger for this practice, you’ll diffuse it from the start and it will get easier.

4. Don’t let fear guide you

I’ll be the first to admit that fear is very powerful. If left alone and free to play games with your mind, fear will eventually lead you away from your dreams and desires, cloud your judgment, and drag you down. The first step to avoid this happening is recognizing your fears and knowing when they try to lead you. Being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions will help you to stand against fear, and not let it guide you.

5. Prevent fear from deciding for you

Fear is not only powerful, but it’s also very deceiving. If a fear stays with you for too long and you don’t challenge it enough, it will become part of your belief system. When that happens, fear starts to dictate your decisions and even give direction to your life, career, and business. Prevent fears from becoming familiar by habitually questioning your belief system and turning inwards. Doing this is essential to knowing what really makes you happy, and to giving your life the direction you really want.

By befriending fear and accepting it as a part of my life, I became a happier, more fulfilled, and also a much more productive person. And I believe that by befriending fear and overcoming the mental blocks which stop you from taking action, so can you.

And so, tell me, what is the number one thing that keeps you from taking action or seeing things through?

What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

I’ve been spending a lot of time creating content for my popular Dream Bigger Goal Setting Program. While I was working on a unique daily planner yesterday (something special I’m putting together for the incredible humans enrolled in the program), I added a question in the introduction section of the planner that I love asking my clients and students.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?

The answers to that question are often out of the ordinary. When asked, some clients or students tell me they would simply aim for small changes in their lives, while others would go after big dreams. Although everyone has their own personal focus, and most answers are different, there are some things that are true for almost everyone. If they weren’t afraid to fail…

They would all gain confidence and believe in themselves

Knowing that you cannot fail takes away the fear, full-stop. It’s that simple. And, the consequences are pretty amazing. All of a sudden, things that look daring and big and unattainable become normal and totally doable, and you have no doubt that they are meant for you — and that you can and will indeed have what it is that you want.

Their goals wouldn’t really change, but they would jump more easily to achieve them

Almost none of my students or clients ever decide to go for other goals and dreams, rather than the ones they had already set for themselves. The big difference is that they believe that, if they cannot fail, they can go for them faster, without being so careful and without weighing all the options so much. And why not, right? When something is a sure thing, there’s no point in waiting – or being cautious for that matter!

They are all at least a little afraid

And who wouldn’t be, when working on their goals and designing the life they want? It would be so great to know that we cannot fail, but unfortunately we cannot escape uncertainty. And because the outcomes of our efforts is uncertain, and sometimes what we undertake asks so much of us (time, energy, commitment, effort, sacrifice… to name a few), it’s absolutely normal to have fears and moments of doubt.

I’ve become an avid goal-setting and dream pursuer, and I’ve been in business for more than 20 years. Still, I have doubts and fears, and moments when I’m not sure anymore, or times when uncertainty creeps up on me when I expect it the least. And I’m sure you do, too.

But, my guess is that when it comes to your big goals and dreams, most of all you’re afraid to fail. You’re looking at that big mountain in front of you, and you wonder: what if I don’t make it? What if I don’t succeed?

1. Learn to live your life fearlessly

If you know my personal story, you know I’ve had my share of fears over the years, but at some point I decided I wouldn’t let them rule my life anymore.

Now, I’m not here to say you need to live your life without fear, but I am saying you need to live it fearlessly! Fear is an ancient and primal emotion that has allowed the human race to survive. As such, it’s a powerful emotion. It has protected us from the unsafe and the unpredictable for centuries, and it has allowed us to thrive.

2. Take note of your flight reflex

But while we’ve evolved, this raw protective instinct of fight or flight did not. And while there might have been a lot of fighting in earlier times, when fear shows up today, we mostly want to run away.

• Like when we know we need to have “the conversation” with someone we care about, but we would rather do anything but.

• Or when we’re undertaking a big dream and things are not going the way we want them to. We expect a certain result (maybe some sales numbers in your business, or validation for your expertise, or recognition as an artist), but something else happens. With a lot of us — I’m no exception, believe me — when that happens, we would love nothing more than to run away from it all. There’s that flight instinct again!

And yes, you’ve got it right, this flight reflex is very present in our lives. More than you’re aware of, I’m sure. Take note of your reactions to situations for a few days, and you’ll get what I mean. It’s everywhere.

But what’s important to understand is that your fear is not against you. It’s just terribly overprotective (and really loves to run too).

3. Embrace your fears, and do it anyway

Elizabeth Gilbert calls this emotion “Grandfather Fear”. She says to it: “I know you’re scared because I’m going to expansively do something with an uncertain outcome, but we’re going to do it anyway.“

So when fear shows up, don’t take flight. But instead, think about what you would do if you weren’t afraid to fail. Then use that knowledge and confidence to do it anyway.

And when things get tough, remind yourself that being courageous is not being without fear, but rather believing deeply that your happiness lies on the other – fearless side – of life.

The power of unlimited thinking

I love the word unlimited. It speaks to me; it talks to my soul. It makes me believe that I can be and do anything that I want, and that there are no limits to what it is I can achieve. And I honestly believe that. I believe it’s true. That there is nothing in this world that I couldn’t handle if I wanted to. And that’s why I love this word so much. It reminds me of the possibilities, even when all odds are against me.

I gave a talk once in which I explained how I believed I could marry Brad Pitt – if I wanted to. I remember the girls and women in the audience looking at me and going “yeah, right,” but when I said it I really believed it, and I still do now. To me, the possibilities that life offers are like the laws of physics. I don’t understand them all, and I don’t know them all either, but I do know they work and I believe them to be true. Every time an apple falls from a tree or we launch a rocket into the sky, I’m reminded of those laws.

With unlimited thinking, it’s the same thing. To me, it’s a law just like the ones from Newton. The only difference is that this one is about us and not the world we live in. And what it says to me is pretty simple: by believing in unlimited thoughts, you will achieve unlimited things. I love that. So simple, yet so powerful. But I didn’t always use to think this, and nor did I always like the concept. For a very long time, I believed that the world was small, and that my place in it needed to be even smaller. I had thoughts of all the things that I wanted to do and say and be, yet I never believed I could actually achieve any of them. My thinking was not unlimited at all; on the contrary, there were boundaries everywhere. I would dream about being me, living a life in which I felt happy and fulfilled and content to be who I was, yet I thought that those goals were totally out of reach. My daily life was filled with beliefs about the world that limited me not only in my actions, but in the way I looked at myself and loved myself. I was blocked and unable to move forward. In all honestly, I was miserable, too.

But, back to Brad Pitt. There I am, in an auditorium, speaking to college students, young women with a life of opportunities ahead of them, and none of them believe me. They all immediately limit the thought that I put out into that room: you’re too short, you’re too old, you’re not Angelina, so he could never marry you. All of them fair comments (it’s true, I’m not Angelina), yet really only speculation. And that’s the problem. Who in that auditorium actually went and called Brad, and asked him directly what he thought of the idea? And even if someone would have done that, marrying someone requires love (I hope), and that doesn’t happen overnight (well, it could, but it’s rare). So this goal would need to be put in motion with a lot of different actions, and if it were a real goal, I should keep at it for a while, in order to reach it. But that’s okay, no issues there. I’m all up for that, and it might be worth it, too.

The problem is the limits we immediately put on our thinking. And the results that that impulse has on the size and horizon of our personal universe. I cannot say for sure that Brad wouldn’t marry me, except if I try.

Yet, when our dreams get big we all immediately jump to conclusions and deny ourselves the opportunity. And that makes our world small – very small.

Think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Austrian bodybuilder who not only became one of the best action heroes of our time, but governor of California, too. But okay, enough with the guys. What about women like Amelia Earhart, who made history as an amazing adventurer and flyer, or Coco Chanel, to this day one of the icons of style and fashion? What both of these women, and all the other women and men who wrote history before us, have in common is –  I believe – a muscle for unlimited thinking. The biographies, movies, documentaries, and books about all these great people tell tales of thoughts that were greater than themselves, that they couldn’t shake, and that kept them going forward, even when everyone was against them.

That is the power of unlimited thinking. The limits we believe are all around us are not really there. Of course, there is order to be kept, and it’s important to respect and protect everyone’s freedom and life, but apart from those provisions, there are no limits to what it is you can achieve.

This realization came to me very slowly, and it took me a long time to grasp its full meaning and potential. One day, I wondered if, perhaps, instead of continuing to listen to beliefs that were keeping me and my life small, I could actually change my future and decide to live a life I really wanted to live instead. So I pressed against the invisible boundaries I had set for myself, and I pushed through. Once on the other side, after a lot of pushing and pressing and breaking through my own beliefs, I realized that in fact there are no limits at all, apart from the ones we create for ourselves. And so I developed my own muscle for unlimited thinking. And as a result, I have achieved amazing things, been to amazing places, met amazing people, and even married a man that I consider to be my very own – and better – version of Brad Pitt.

Because that too is the power of unlimited thinking. What we want changes over time and the more you use the muscle the more what looks impossible now will become part of your normal thought pattern in the future.

Never forget: everything you think is easy today, you once found really hard to do. So think as big as you can. It’s only up to you to decide how inlimited you want to live.

How to deal with unsolicited advice about your life

Last week, I was talking to a friend about her enrolling in an expensive 7-year Chinese language course. She’s a really smart woman with a passion for travel, adventure, and foreign cultures. When she told me she wanted to start this course, I was immediately certain that this was a great decision for her. But she didn’t seem happy about her decision to enroll, and although I knew this was really what she wanted, she told me she wasn’t sure what to do.

A bit further into the conversation, she told me she had been having quite a few discussions with her parents about the Chinese course. And they hadn’t been very encouraging. On the contrary, they had been all over her with old-fashioned, well-intentioned advice about the cost, the length and the difficulty of the project, and it had cluttered her judgment. As a result, she didn’t know what to do anymore, and had not only started doubting her decisions, but also her ability to actually achieve her dreams. Sound familiar?

Having been there many times myself, I knew exactly what was going on. She was the victim of unsolicited advice about her life. One of the deadliest attacks you can imagine, a surefire way to kill ideas, ideals, and dreams, and often performed by the most well-intentioned friends and family members… in many cases, the parents.

And oh dear, how ironic. There I was and here I am with a few tips to survive the free-throw of unsolicited advice. To my defense, she asked for my advice. But obviously, you didn’t. So please feel free to treat what follows with a dash of my own medicine below.

Unsolicited advice is nothing more than someone else’s opinion. So, treat it like that. The big difference here is that the opinion is about you and expressed by someone who you love or care about. That makes the opinion look like much more than it really is, and makes it much harder for you to move past it. Always try to remember: it’s nothing more than any other opinion out there. And if you’re able to pass on those, you’re able to pass on these ones, too. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because you’ll be all alone. If it was a stranger who didn’t know you, you would have no issue explaining that – on the contrary – you wouldn’t be alone at all, but rather surrounded by so many amazing and like-minded people. But since it’s your mom, things are different. When she tells you that you’ll be alone, you get scared. Because she was there every time you felt alone in the past, and because she taught you everything. So when she says you’ll be alone, there is a part of you that believes her. But she’s wrong. It’s only her opinion.

Unsolicited advice is anchored in beliefs. And, therefore, most of the time, well-intentioned unsolicited advice will not work for you at all. What I find most interesting about advice is that it’s a beautiful expression of someone’s entire belief system. Like when your mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because it’s too expensive. What your mom forgets to mention when she says that is that the yoga retreat is too expensive for her. And those two little words are crucial. The yoga retreat is not expensive on its own. Actually, without anything to compare it to, can it really be quantified at all? It’s only when a belief system is put next to it – with ideas about what something should cost, how much one has to work to gather a particular amount of money, and so on – that the yoga retreat can really be quantified as expensive or not. And inherently, that will always be personal and subjective, something for you to decide. Remember this when advice makes you doubt yourself, and measure things as being based on your beliefs, and nobody else’s.

Unsolicited advice is often fueled by fear. Although, it usually seems as if it’s fueled by love. Most people have fears, and are quite unaware of how those fears give direction to their thoughts and their actions on a daily basis. And this is certainly true of them giving you unsolicited advice. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat because it’s just a waste of your valuable time. This advice might be anchored in a belief that time is precious – which it most certainly is – yet that only certain activities are worthy of it. When people warn you with unsolicited advice like this, look for the fear that speaks behind the words. It will usually be uncalled for, and finding it will help you to realize the advice as a whole probably is, too.

Eventually, my friend signed up for her Chinese course, and she feels great about it. But she had to push through with a decision that was hers and hers alone to make. That’s what unsolicited advice can keep you from. Eventually, what she remembered, and what I hope you and I can remember, too, is that we only have one life… and despite all the unsolicited advice we might receive, nobody is going to live it for us. So we might as well do what we love and be who we want to be. And to do that, ignoring unsolicited advice is key.

How to be happy for others and why it matters

I was at a family wedding last weekend when my husband’s cousin and I started talking about the power of happiness. My husband’s cousin is a wonderful woman; beautiful, well-read, she has been places and seen things. Life hasn’t always been easy for her, yet when she’s around, even the darkest room brightens. She was talking about how happy she is with her baby boy, how her husband is a keeper, and how they’ve now found a house they love, have made an offer, and are praying for it to be accepted. All good things, for sure. But then the mood changed, as she recalled telling a good friend about her treasured house just a day earlier, and getting a nasty, jealous comment back.

The friend she was talking about is not very different from her. She’s not a refugee from Syria, she’s not on welfare, and she isn’t sick or even remotely in a bad physical or mental place. On the contrary, she has a good and steady job, lives a great life, and only differs slightly from my husband’s cousin: she just has a tiny bit less than her, is just a tiny bit heavier than her, and to her own standards, she’s just a tiny bit less attractive. But all of these little tiny bits together make that friend unhappy and envious.

I could see that my husband’s cousin had given this issue a lot of thought. And in the interesting and heart-centered conversation we had, she said something that really stuck with me.

If only my friend was happy for me, that would make her happy, too.

And I think that is so true.

We live in a competitive world. We live in a media-driven world. We live in a world that wants us to believe we are not enough the way we are, and that we are flawed and need extensive fixing. There isn’t a week that goes by without us being bombarded by countless messages telling us what a wonderful and perfect life lies a tiny little bit ahead of us, if only we can have, do, or take up the latest fashion fad. I believe that envy and jealousy are byproducts of those deceiving lies. And although they are not the goal of what the media and corporations want us to believe about ourselves, they are a welcome byproduct of that messaging. Envy and jealousy make us unhappy, and unhappiness is the breeding ground for our need for stuff, and always more stuff. Because we are meant to believe that we can cure unhappiness with things. And when we see others obtaining items that we think we need in order to be happy, our envy and jealousy are there to remind us of that lie.

But with awareness and practice, you can learn to see through this veil of misleading beliefs and become genuinely happy for others. And once you do that, a new level of happiness emerges for you, too. And guess what? It all starts with loving yourself first.

Looking back at my own life, I know I’ve had many moments where I was envious or jealous, comparing and wishing I could have the life, body, or boyfriend of someone else. For a big part of my life, I tried to achieve the unattainable and I was miserable. Those moments were amongst the worst of my life. When I think back on how I felt, what I remember is bad. In most cases, I was depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, or scared. And I definitely didn’t love myself. And it’s only when I changed from within – when I started to love myself, my body, my mind, my soul, and my life – that I was able to be happy for the fortune and blessings of others. And thanks to that shift, I became happier myself.

Because when I started doing that, showing more love and compassion for the person who I was, I noticed I wasn’t that envious or jealous of others anymore. And once I was happy for them, more amazing things started happening for me. And that’s no surprise.

It is my conviction that what we send out into the world, and the thoughts that we have over and over again, materialize into this world. No exceptions.

On a level of energy, thought can be positive or negative, and depending on what we send out via our thinking, that is what we attract back into our lives. Fundamentally, that’s all there is: either you send out and receive positive and uplifting energy, or you send out and gain negative and depressing energy.

When you are jealous, you are tapping into and sending out negative energy. And by definition, that is what you get back. But that’s not all. When you’re jealous or envious, you’re creating the negative energy within yourself – in your mind through negative thinking, and in your body by producing emotions to fit your thoughts. And by doing that, you push self-love away. When you think of it that way, what it means is that, when you’re having negative thoughts or feelings towards someone else, you’re really having them towards yourself. When you’re jealous of a friend, they might be out having a great time, while you’re sobbing, or frustrated, or sad even, that you are not them. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be out with them, so you could have a good time too?

But thankfully, the opposite is true, as well. And that is what my husband’s cousin meant when she said her friend could be happy too. Because if you are genuinely happy for the success, achievements, blessings, and lives of others, you are creating that positive energy within yourself, too, bringing more self-love into your life. And to live a happy and fulfilling life, that is what you must aim to do, always.

How to cope with criticism, even as a highly sensitive people-pleaser

A dear friend of mine recently received a very nasty email from one of her clients. In the email, the client blamed her for being the reason why everything in that client’s business was failing. An absurd accusation, considering my friend had done just the opposite by trying to warn her client about her lack of commitment towards her own business. And yet, my friend took it very personally. To her, it almost felt like the world was ending. That email made her feel like a bad person. In a very open and deep conversation we had about it, we explored why people-pleasers are so sensitive to criticism.

My friend is an amazing woman. She has two children, helps her husband out with his business, takes care of her household, works with clients, and helps entrepreneurs to be successful online. And she does all that without ever complaining. She’s always positive. Truly, she’s an admirable person, and I really love her. So why could one criticizing email, itself the result of my friend trying to help her client, make her feel so bad? How can someone who achieves and does so much, who is so inspiring and good, be so devastated by the opinion of one single individual? Well, simply… she’s a people-pleaser. Just like me.

As people-pleasers, when someone criticizes us, sends us bad vibes, is angry at us, or gives us any sort of negative attention, we feel horrible. We take things personally. Always. And after we’ve overcome the shock of the attack, we only have one idea in mind: how can we make things right? How can we get this person to like us again, bring the scales back into balance, and make the nastiness go away? Because, for people-pleasers, any form of negativity is scary. We think it means we won’t be loved... that we are not worthy, not good enough.

That fear is what makes us want to please everyone to begin with. And it’s a very difficult and tiring way to spend our days, pleasing everyone being an impossible task to undertake. We can never please everyone: it’s simply impossible. The energy we put into trying to please others, and the worry that comes from receiving nastiness (like the email my friend got), is what keeps us from living happy and fulfilled lives.

Being so highly sensitive to criticism is difficult, and gives us a lot of pain. It also makes us really bad at listening to positive feedback. Believe me, I know (and so does my husband, the poor fellow). But along my journey to self-love, I learned a few strategies that really help ease the sting of nastiness, put things into perspective, and allow me to move past any type of criticism and into positive action.

1. Never take anything personally.

I owe this one to Don Miguel Ruiz from “The Four Agreements”. This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given, and a mantra for a people-pleaser like me. People-pleasers always take things personally. That is the birthing ground of all the pain and suffering that ensues. So, being able to detach yourself from the situation and to look at things from a different perspective can be really liberating. It won’t always work, and it won’t make the sting go away completely, but it will ease your heart and calm you down.

2. Whatever someone says about you doesn’t define who you are.

By the age of 25, we have all lived close to ten thousand hours. Now, imagine how many experiences that amounts to. Or how many words were spoken during that time. Whatever your path, these are likely to be big numbers. Remember these numbers when the words of one single individual make you question yourself. You’ll know in your heart that what you’re feeling just isn’t real.

3. Never worry alone.

I’ve gotten this little gem from Dr. Hallowell. And for me, it’s a magic worker. One of the biggest issues that I have as a people-pleaser is the ‘worry chatter’ inside my head. When I encounter a negative experience, the chatter begins. And as time goes by, the louder it gets. The only way to silence it is to talk about it with someone else – a real person, that is, not the little mean girl in my head! So now, when something bothers me, I’ve made it a habit to stop whatever I’m doing and pick up the phone to call a friend. This simple act of expressing how I feel and telling my story shuts that little mean thing right up. Every time.

4. Cover yourself with a blanket of self-love.

I owe a lot to Julie Parker, life coach extraordinaire and founder of the Beautiful You Life Coaching Academy. More than she will ever know. But if I had to single out one thing, I would say that she’s the person who gave me permission to love myself. It transformed me and made me into the woman I am today. Now it’s my turn to pass those wise words down to you. Whenever you feel hurt, sad, all alone, attacked, misunderstood, or any other negative emotion, cover yourself with a blanket of self-love. Just be good to you, nurture yourself, and be compassionate for the vulnerable and real person who you are.

5. Be open to different perspectives. There is always a lesson.

As a final note, it’s important to stress that not all criticism is bad or meant to hurt. On the contrary, most of the time, criticism is nothing more than good-intentioned, pragmatic feedback, meant to help you move forward. And that’s often difficult to grasp for people-pleasers. I invite you to try and be open to the perspectives of those who offer their opinions, and see if there’s a lesson in there that you could learn. More often than not, there will be, and it will be something valuable that, if taken to heart, could make a big difference in your life.

But if it’s really just plain old cheap and easy criticism for the sake of being nasty.... Well, there’s a lesson there, as well. That person is not your people, and it is simply time for you to move on.

5 effective ways to overcome your need for approval

For a very long time in my life, and for as far back as I can remember, I was always looking for people’s approval. After years of introspection and learning how to love myself, though, and overcome the hardship I had been through growing up, I was able to let go of that constant need for someone else to approve of my life.

If you’re anything like I was, you are longing for a different life, one in which you are sure of yourself, and where your intuition tells you where to go and how to get there, as well as one where other people’s opinions of you don’t matter that much – or even at all.

I’m proof that such a life is possible, and I know that you too can have it. Yes, it can be hard, and yes, it requires you to dig deep into yourself, but believe me: the rewards outweigh the effort a thousand fold.

On my personal journey to self-love, digging deep into myself, I learned a few effective ways to overcome this constant need for approval that I had lived with for so many years. And today I’m sharing what I learned with you.

1. Be attentive and notice your behavior.

The first step towards any change is taking an account of where you are now. To change your need for approval, it’s vital that you take note of when that behavior occurs and how. Try to be conscious about your actions throughout the day, and for a few days this week; take a few minutes at night to review your day and write down all that you’ve noticed about your approval-seeking behavior. Reflect and think of ways to avoid or change that behavior. And when you feel ready, start the process of change by putting some of those ideas into action.

2. Ask your friends and family for support.

When you have become more aware of your approval-seeking behavior, think of someone you are willing to confide in and ask for accountability when it comes to the changes you are trying to make in your life. Tell that person what your findings are and what you want for yourself, and ask them to help you by monitoring your behavior around them. When doing this, it’s important to also tell them how you want them to let you know what they notice – and ask them to only be positive, loving, and encouraging, but never punitive or negative, as this could in fact increase your needs for approval instead of helping you to move forward.

3. Rewire your brain.

One of the main things that helped me get out of my approval-seeking behavior was focusing on actively rewiring my brain. Through practices such as meditation, visualization, and yoga, I have realized that we are capable of changing our thought patterns and our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. This knowledge was a key element in getting me from a place of fear and unhappiness to the wholehearted and true life which I live now. Going back to step one, take a look at the list of your more prominent approval-seeking behaviors. For each of them, write down the belief that is causing the behavior. Once you have done this, rewrite the belief into a positive affirmation. Make a habit of going over your list on a daily basis – I do it every morning right before my morning meditation – and feel your brain change as a result of this habit.

Here’s an example from my own list.
Approval-seeking behavior: When someone does something or says something that hurts me, I keep it to myself.
Negative belief: If I speak up, people won't like me.
Positive affirmation: I'm a very likeable person. When people do or say something that hurts me I owe it to myself to speak up.

4. What’s the worse that could happen?

With the need for approval comes a lot of fear. Before I learned to really love myself, my life was filled with fear. I was scared of almost everything and everyone, and most of all, of myself. I was constantly on the look-out for people getting mad at me, and so I was trying to keep myself as small as possible around others in order to avoid conflict at all costs. But one day, I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick of the mask I was wearing and I needed to let go of all pretenses and just be me. While I was on my path to self-love, there was a question that wouldn’t let go of me. Over and over, I heard myself say: What’s the worst that could happen? Finally, I decided to answer that question, and when I did, I realized that whatever might come my way, it wasn’t nearly as bad as living a life of pretenses.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

After I realized that the worst that could happen to me wasn’t all that scary after all, I set out to test this new version of the world. Whatever I had to do, and whomever I was going to interact with, I decided I was going to be as true to myself as I could be, not thinking about the consequences and just seeing what would happen. I called this my experiments. From that moment on I would tell my friends when I felt our relationship was out of balance and I wasn’t getting my share of the friendship. Or only say yes to things I really wanted to. The results where liberating! Of course, some people didn’t like the new me. But most where supportive and even grateful that I was finally being the real me. Thanks to practicing being the real me so much, I was quickly able to create a new mental library of positive experiences that made my fears and my need for approval slowly but surely fade away. And the process to get there was fun and engaging, too. The more I allowed myself to be me, the more I attracted cool people into my life. As a result, new friendships were made, existing ones were deepened, and a new sense of happiness, love, and compassion for the world emerged.

I hope I’ve been able to inspire you. If so, I would encourage you to pick something you want to work on today, and take off the mask to let the real you shine bright. You are beautiful and amazing. You don’t need to be perfect. You are just right the way you are.

And if you feel like it, let me know how you’re doing below – I would love to hear from you.

May you love yourself unconditionally, always.