Career & Business Coaching Blog.

Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.

Mindset Murielle Marie Mindset Murielle Marie

How to be happy for others and why it matters

I was at a family wedding last weekend when my husband’s cousin and I started talking about the power of happiness. My husband’s cousin is a wonderful woman; beautiful, well-read, she has been places and seen things. Life hasn’t always been easy for her, yet when she’s around, even the darkest room brightens. She was talking about how happy she is with her baby boy, how her husband is a keeper, and how they’ve now found a house they love, have made an offer, and are praying for it to be accepted. All good things, for sure. But then the mood changed, as she recalled telling a good friend about her treasured house just a day earlier, and getting a nasty, jealous comment back.

The friend she was talking about is not very different from her. She’s not a refugee from Syria, she’s not on welfare, and she isn’t sick or even remotely in a bad physical or mental place. On the contrary, she has a good and steady job, lives a great life, and only differs slightly from my husband’s cousin: she just has a tiny bit less than her, is just a tiny bit heavier than her, and to her own standards, she’s just a tiny bit less attractive. But all of these little tiny bits together make that friend unhappy and envious.

I could see that my husband’s cousin had given this issue a lot of thought. And in the interesting and heart-centered conversation we had, she said something that really stuck with me.

If only my friend was happy for me, that would make her happy, too.

And I think that is so true.

We live in a competitive world. We live in a media-driven world. We live in a world that wants us to believe we are not enough the way we are, and that we are flawed and need extensive fixing. There isn’t a week that goes by without us being bombarded by countless messages telling us what a wonderful and perfect life lies a tiny little bit ahead of us, if only we can have, do, or take up the latest fashion fad. I believe that envy and jealousy are byproducts of those deceiving lies. And although they are not the goal of what the media and corporations want us to believe about ourselves, they are a welcome byproduct of that messaging. Envy and jealousy make us unhappy, and unhappiness is the breeding ground for our need for stuff, and always more stuff. Because we are meant to believe that we can cure unhappiness with things. And when we see others obtaining items that we think we need in order to be happy, our envy and jealousy are there to remind us of that lie.

But with awareness and practice, you can learn to see through this veil of misleading beliefs and become genuinely happy for others. And once you do that, a new level of happiness emerges for you, too. And guess what? It all starts with loving yourself first.

Looking back at my own life, I know I’ve had many moments where I was envious or jealous, comparing and wishing I could have the life, body, or boyfriend of someone else. For a big part of my life, I tried to achieve the unattainable and I was miserable. Those moments were amongst the worst of my life. When I think back on how I felt, what I remember is bad. In most cases, I was depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, or scared. And I definitely didn’t love myself. And it’s only when I changed from within – when I started to love myself, my body, my mind, my soul, and my life – that I was able to be happy for the fortune and blessings of others. And thanks to that shift, I became happier myself.

Because when I started doing that, showing more love and compassion for the person who I was, I noticed I wasn’t that envious or jealous of others anymore. And once I was happy for them, more amazing things started happening for me. And that’s no surprise.

It is my conviction that what we send out into the world, and the thoughts that we have over and over again, materialize into this world. No exceptions.

On a level of energy, thought can be positive or negative, and depending on what we send out via our thinking, that is what we attract back into our lives. Fundamentally, that’s all there is: either you send out and receive positive and uplifting energy, or you send out and gain negative and depressing energy.

When you are jealous, you are tapping into and sending out negative energy. And by definition, that is what you get back. But that’s not all. When you’re jealous or envious, you’re creating the negative energy within yourself – in your mind through negative thinking, and in your body by producing emotions to fit your thoughts. And by doing that, you push self-love away. When you think of it that way, what it means is that, when you’re having negative thoughts or feelings towards someone else, you’re really having them towards yourself. When you’re jealous of a friend, they might be out having a great time, while you’re sobbing, or frustrated, or sad even, that you are not them. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be out with them, so you could have a good time too?

But thankfully, the opposite is true, as well. And that is what my husband’s cousin meant when she said her friend could be happy too. Because if you are genuinely happy for the success, achievements, blessings, and lives of others, you are creating that positive energy within yourself, too, bringing more self-love into your life. And to live a happy and fulfilling life, that is what you must aim to do, always.

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Self-Care Murielle Marie Self-Care Murielle Marie

What it means to really love yourself

What does it mean to really love yourself?

I find this to be one of the most difficult questions you could ever ask yourself, because loving yourself is such a complex and deep state of being.

In what follows, I offer you my vision of what I think loving yourself really means. It has taken me many years to understand what self-love is, and a number of years more to be able to give myself this kind of love. But once I began, I finally felt free. I had found a new way of being that brought me peace, happiness, and joy. And the magical thing about it is that I didn’t need to search outside of myself to find all that. After a decade-long pursuit of unattainable ideals, the search was finally over. I had found love, deep within me, where it had been waiting for me all along.

Because the magic of self-love is not something that overcomes you, but rather something that you create for yourself, I invite you to do the following. Find a quiet and peaceful spot to sit yourself down, pour yourself some of your favorite tea or make yourself a cup of your best coffee, and unplug yourself from any possible distractions. This exercise will help you to give yourself the time and attention you deserve. Grounding yourself this way, and being fully present for what follows, you are already taking a step towards self-love.

A word of caution is necessary before we move any further. The love I will talk about, and try to untangle and explain for you below, is not the same as romantic love. Of course, it is heart-centered, beautiful, and warm, but it is also much, much more.

Loving yourself means putting yourself first, even being selfish at times, and making sure you are well taken care of by you, yourself... before you even think about taking care of others. It is putting yourself at the heart of everything you do.

Loving yourself also means accepting yourself with all your flaws, all the negative aspects of you, and all the things you don’t really like about yourself. Maybe you procrastinate sometimes, or you get upset when you’d really rather not. Or perhaps you would like to be less emotional or sensitive all the time. Whatever it is, loving yourself means understanding and accepting that you cannot be whole without those sides of you, too.

Loving yourself is showing compassion for the person that you are. And by this, I don’t mean the perfect version of you that you aspire to be, but rather the imperfect version – the real you, as the vulnerable human being that you are.

Yes, loving yourself can be difficult. It requires consistent thought and determined action, especially because it’s so easy to slip back into a state of not loving yourself so much, and of fear, resentment, and even hate. With this in mind, loving yourself is also very courageous, and requires you to be brave and strong, as the process asks you to be honest with yourself and to really look at who you are and what you stand for.

Loving yourself demands that you accept your faults, your mistakes, and all the wrong turns you ever took, along with all of the bad decisions you ever made, and demands that you embrace all of that – with no exceptions – as an integral part of you. Knowing and accepting that you are perfectly imperfect, just as you are.

Loving yourself means being thankful for your body, your mind, your soul, your feelings and emotions, your unique way of seeing the world, your way of interacting with others, and your way of being in the world.

Loving yourself means loving absolutely everything about yourself: the light, the dark, and all the shades in between. It is saying to the universe: look at me, here I am, this is all that I have to offer, all that I am, all of this is me.

And then, after all is said and visible, after taking a good look at yourself in your entirety, it means deciding to befriend, accept, trust, enjoy, protect, grow, and nurture all that you have seen.

To me, that is what loving yourself really means.

But, however beautiful it is to think of you as a complete and self-loving human being, loving yourself is a never-ending journey. Whether you accept your flaws or not, whether you show compassion for yourself or take good care of yourself or not, if self-love is what pulls you forward, that is all you need. And if you don’t at times, even that is okay. Self-love never goes anywhere – it’s always there, ready for you to go back to.

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Mindful Living Murielle Marie Mindful Living Murielle Marie

On loss, unlived lives, and becoming who you are

Almost 10 years ago, on August 31st of 2010, my father passed away. Just five weeks earlier, my mother had suddenly died from a heart attack.

As I heard the news of Dr. Wayne Dyer's passing this morning, I could not help but to feel that I had come full circle in a way, and needed to reflect on the road I have traveled since that day.

While emptying my parents' house after their passing, I stumbled upon a book by Dr. Dyer called Your Erroneous Zones. It was the Dutch version of the book, though, and the title read something less mysterious: 'Not tomorrow, but now!' It was one of my mother's' books. One of her many, many self-help books. And like so many others, it was intact, unread, and tucked away on the bookshelf of what could have been her life.

My mother was a broken woman. As the wife of an often difficult man, who was struggling with his own demons, she had learned to be invisible and to bear her pain in silence. But besides being the housewife to a terrible man, she had also been the mother to 3 children who had themselves been bearing the hardship of their upbringing. My mother loved us dearly. And we loved her too, the best we knew how. While we were growing up, she took care of us relentlessly, often shielding us from the worst my father had to offer. But as time went on and we grew older, the sorrow in her eyes grew bigger and the voice of a life that never was became louder and louder. In her head, my mother lived an entirely different life. But from the many books and magazines she left behind, I could make out what an amazing, wide, and bright life she wished to have.

When I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book a few days after her passing, I was nailed to the ground, overpowered by sadness I had never felt before and have never felt since. This book was the culmination of a life unlived. Its title, urging my mother to take action now, and its condition proof that she had not. I felt helpless, holding my mother’s story in my hands. Her entire life, she had waited. And now she was gone.

It took me years to accept this and overcome the grief that came from it. As I did, I realized that she was not alone in her waiting. There are millions of lives waiting to be lived around us. And I was one of them, until I found that book, and after that myself. That’s why I’ve made it my mission to help women love themselves into change.

Because I see this often. Buying the book is good. It is a first and necessary step towards awakening. But then you have to read the book, listen to the call, act on it, and do the work. Change happens from within. Don’t wait for it to come to you – do it yourself, and do it now! That is what Dr. Dyer has taught me.

At the time of my parents’ passing I was still sound asleep myself. Recovering from the scars of my childhood years and chasing the unattainable ideals I had set for myself, I never took the time to stop and think about my life. I took pain and unhappiness for granted, and I didn’t know there was another way to live. But in that moment, right there when I lifted that book off the bookshelf of my mother’s unlived life, something shifted.

I took the book home and read it from cover to cover that night. It was the first spiritual book I had ever read. With every word, the world appeared clearer to me, changed forever. And in the midst of one of the most horrible experiences of my life, what had looked like an insignificant event became one of the most serendipitous moments of my existence.

Today, I remember my parents’ passing and also mourn the loss of one of the brightest and wisest minds of our time. But as I do, I also say: Thank you, Dr. Dyer, for the words that brought light into my soul, and for the wisdom that showed me the path to another way. I am forever grateful for the journey.

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Mindset Murielle Marie Mindset Murielle Marie

How to cope with criticism, even as a highly sensitive people-pleaser

A dear friend of mine recently received a very nasty email from one of her clients. In the email, the client blamed her for being the reason why everything in that client’s business was failing. An absurd accusation, considering my friend had done just the opposite by trying to warn her client about her lack of commitment towards her own business. And yet, my friend took it very personally. To her, it almost felt like the world was ending. That email made her feel like a bad person. In a very open and deep conversation we had about it, we explored why people-pleasers are so sensitive to criticism.

My friend is an amazing woman. She has two children, helps her husband out with his business, takes care of her household, works with clients, and helps entrepreneurs to be successful online. And she does all that without ever complaining. She’s always positive. Truly, she’s an admirable person, and I really love her. So why could one criticizing email, itself the result of my friend trying to help her client, make her feel so bad? How can someone who achieves and does so much, who is so inspiring and good, be so devastated by the opinion of one single individual? Well, simply… she’s a people-pleaser. Just like me.

As people-pleasers, when someone criticizes us, sends us bad vibes, is angry at us, or gives us any sort of negative attention, we feel horrible. We take things personally. Always. And after we’ve overcome the shock of the attack, we only have one idea in mind: how can we make things right? How can we get this person to like us again, bring the scales back into balance, and make the nastiness go away? Because, for people-pleasers, any form of negativity is scary. We think it means we won’t be loved... that we are not worthy, not good enough.

That fear is what makes us want to please everyone to begin with. And it’s a very difficult and tiring way to spend our days, pleasing everyone being an impossible task to undertake. We can never please everyone: it’s simply impossible. The energy we put into trying to please others, and the worry that comes from receiving nastiness (like the email my friend got), is what keeps us from living happy and fulfilled lives.

Being so highly sensitive to criticism is difficult, and gives us a lot of pain. It also makes us really bad at listening to positive feedback. Believe me, I know (and so does my husband, the poor fellow). But along my journey to self-love, I learned a few strategies that really help ease the sting of nastiness, put things into perspective, and allow me to move past any type of criticism and into positive action.

1. Never take anything personally.

I owe this one to Don Miguel Ruiz from “The Four Agreements”. This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given, and a mantra for a people-pleaser like me. People-pleasers always take things personally. That is the birthing ground of all the pain and suffering that ensues. So, being able to detach yourself from the situation and to look at things from a different perspective can be really liberating. It won’t always work, and it won’t make the sting go away completely, but it will ease your heart and calm you down.

2. Whatever someone says about you doesn’t define who you are.

By the age of 25, we have all lived close to ten thousand hours. Now, imagine how many experiences that amounts to. Or how many words were spoken during that time. Whatever your path, these are likely to be big numbers. Remember these numbers when the words of one single individual make you question yourself. You’ll know in your heart that what you’re feeling just isn’t real.

3. Never worry alone.

I’ve gotten this little gem from Dr. Hallowell. And for me, it’s a magic worker. One of the biggest issues that I have as a people-pleaser is the ‘worry chatter’ inside my head. When I encounter a negative experience, the chatter begins. And as time goes by, the louder it gets. The only way to silence it is to talk about it with someone else – a real person, that is, not the little mean girl in my head! So now, when something bothers me, I’ve made it a habit to stop whatever I’m doing and pick up the phone to call a friend. This simple act of expressing how I feel and telling my story shuts that little mean thing right up. Every time.

4. Cover yourself with a blanket of self-love.

I owe a lot to Julie Parker, life coach extraordinaire and founder of the Beautiful You Life Coaching Academy. More than she will ever know. But if I had to single out one thing, I would say that she’s the person who gave me permission to love myself. It transformed me and made me into the woman I am today. Now it’s my turn to pass those wise words down to you. Whenever you feel hurt, sad, all alone, attacked, misunderstood, or any other negative emotion, cover yourself with a blanket of self-love. Just be good to you, nurture yourself, and be compassionate for the vulnerable and real person who you are.

5. Be open to different perspectives. There is always a lesson.

As a final note, it’s important to stress that not all criticism is bad or meant to hurt. On the contrary, most of the time, criticism is nothing more than good-intentioned, pragmatic feedback, meant to help you move forward. And that’s often difficult to grasp for people-pleasers. I invite you to try and be open to the perspectives of those who offer their opinions, and see if there’s a lesson in there that you could learn. More often than not, there will be, and it will be something valuable that, if taken to heart, could make a big difference in your life.

But if it’s really just plain old cheap and easy criticism for the sake of being nasty.... Well, there’s a lesson there, as well. That person is not your people, and it is simply time for you to move on.

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Mindset Murielle Marie Mindset Murielle Marie

5 effective ways to overcome your need for approval

For a very long time in my life, and for as far back as I can remember, I was always looking for people’s approval. After years of introspection and learning how to love myself, though, and overcome the hardship I had been through growing up, I was able to let go of that constant need for someone else to approve of my life.

If you’re anything like I was, you are longing for a different life, one in which you are sure of yourself, and where your intuition tells you where to go and how to get there, as well as one where other people’s opinions of you don’t matter that much – or even at all.

I’m proof that such a life is possible, and I know that you too can have it. Yes, it can be hard, and yes, it requires you to dig deep into yourself, but believe me: the rewards outweigh the effort a thousand fold.

On my personal journey to self-love, digging deep into myself, I learned a few effective ways to overcome this constant need for approval that I had lived with for so many years. And today I’m sharing what I learned with you.

1. Be attentive and notice your behavior.

The first step towards any change is taking an account of where you are now. To change your need for approval, it’s vital that you take note of when that behavior occurs and how. Try to be conscious about your actions throughout the day, and for a few days this week; take a few minutes at night to review your day and write down all that you’ve noticed about your approval-seeking behavior. Reflect and think of ways to avoid or change that behavior. And when you feel ready, start the process of change by putting some of those ideas into action.

2. Ask your friends and family for support.

When you have become more aware of your approval-seeking behavior, think of someone you are willing to confide in and ask for accountability when it comes to the changes you are trying to make in your life. Tell that person what your findings are and what you want for yourself, and ask them to help you by monitoring your behavior around them. When doing this, it’s important to also tell them how you want them to let you know what they notice – and ask them to only be positive, loving, and encouraging, but never punitive or negative, as this could in fact increase your needs for approval instead of helping you to move forward.

3. Rewire your brain.

One of the main things that helped me get out of my approval-seeking behavior was focusing on actively rewiring my brain. Through practices such as meditation, visualization, and yoga, I have realized that we are capable of changing our thought patterns and our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. This knowledge was a key element in getting me from a place of fear and unhappiness to the wholehearted and true life which I live now. Going back to step one, take a look at the list of your more prominent approval-seeking behaviors. For each of them, write down the belief that is causing the behavior. Once you have done this, rewrite the belief into a positive affirmation. Make a habit of going over your list on a daily basis – I do it every morning right before my morning meditation – and feel your brain change as a result of this habit.

Here’s an example from my own list.
Approval-seeking behavior: When someone does something or says something that hurts me, I keep it to myself.
Negative belief: If I speak up, people won't like me.
Positive affirmation: I'm a very likeable person. When people do or say something that hurts me I owe it to myself to speak up.

4. What’s the worse that could happen?

With the need for approval comes a lot of fear. Before I learned to really love myself, my life was filled with fear. I was scared of almost everything and everyone, and most of all, of myself. I was constantly on the look-out for people getting mad at me, and so I was trying to keep myself as small as possible around others in order to avoid conflict at all costs. But one day, I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick of the mask I was wearing and I needed to let go of all pretenses and just be me. While I was on my path to self-love, there was a question that wouldn’t let go of me. Over and over, I heard myself say: What’s the worst that could happen? Finally, I decided to answer that question, and when I did, I realized that whatever might come my way, it wasn’t nearly as bad as living a life of pretenses.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

After I realized that the worst that could happen to me wasn’t all that scary after all, I set out to test this new version of the world. Whatever I had to do, and whomever I was going to interact with, I decided I was going to be as true to myself as I could be, not thinking about the consequences and just seeing what would happen. I called this my experiments. From that moment on I would tell my friends when I felt our relationship was out of balance and I wasn’t getting my share of the friendship. Or only say yes to things I really wanted to. The results where liberating! Of course, some people didn’t like the new me. But most where supportive and even grateful that I was finally being the real me. Thanks to practicing being the real me so much, I was quickly able to create a new mental library of positive experiences that made my fears and my need for approval slowly but surely fade away. And the process to get there was fun and engaging, too. The more I allowed myself to be me, the more I attracted cool people into my life. As a result, new friendships were made, existing ones were deepened, and a new sense of happiness, love, and compassion for the world emerged.

I hope I’ve been able to inspire you. If so, I would encourage you to pick something you want to work on today, and take off the mask to let the real you shine bright. You are beautiful and amazing. You don’t need to be perfect. You are just right the way you are.

And if you feel like it, let me know how you’re doing below – I would love to hear from you.

May you love yourself unconditionally, always.

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