Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
Other people’s feelings are not your problem
I recently reflected on why it’s important for women to stop feeling guilty for choosing ourselves. Throughout a big part of my life, that guilt (often doubled with shame, anxiety, or fear) stood in the way of what I really wanted.
It kept me small. Silent. Like it does with so many other women. And for good reason.
We’ve been conditioned to think that we must bear the weight of the world on our shoulder, and do so with a smile, simply because it comes with the territory of being a woman. However – as I reflected in my previous article, incorporating values, and nurturing healthy boundaries will call on you to take responsibility for your own life, to demand more for yourself, to have more self-respect, and ensure that others do not trample on it.
These rituals will lead you to realize that while it’s your responsibility to control your emotions and direct your life down the path you want it to go, it’s not your responsibility to do the same for anyone else. This will be a hard concept for many women to grasp, but as you grow into self-love and self-trust it will become easier.
When you enforce your boundaries, you take your power back.
You’re not Superwoman. Your duty isn’t to save the world. It’s not even to save your loved ones. Your duty – if ever there was one – is to be a caring and loving human. That’s all anyone could ask for. Even so, in the past, I often felt it was my responsibility to be the everything of the people in my private, and professional life. Perhaps you do to…
Making sure everyone around you is happy – at all times
Show the world how capable, reliable, always willing to help you are.
Never come across as too busy, or too tired
Especially not when you are – in fact – exhausted, stressed out, ready for a really long nap.
As you commit yourself to living your truths – making your own decisions, pursuing your dreams, creating your own path – you’re going to upset some people. In fact, you’re going to upset A LOT of people, especially if what you’re going for is bold and unimaginable to them. That’s precisely when you have to remind yourself: how others feel about who you are, the way you live your life, or what your dreams are is not your business.
You are not in charge of other people’s feelings.
Like me, you may have been socialized to believe that as a woman you exist to bring some kind of joy, support, care (insert expectation of choice here) to others, based on the roles society has tried to box you into. Understanding that you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own is a liberating experience. Often we don’t realize how the people around us suck the joy out of us when you overextend ourselves for them, breaking our back to be at their every beck and call. Living this way will drain you. I know, because I’ve been there.
It may take some time for people to come around to the fact they’re not somebody else’s problem but their own. In some cases they never will, and you’ll have to walk away, or see them leave when you no longer *make them happy* (in my experience often used as code speak to say you’re no longer able or willing to cater to their every need). Again, believe me, I know.
How to stop making other people’s feelings your responsibility?
When people start demanding that you do things their way or blame you for how they feel or how their lives are, you don’t need to respond to them. This is a hard one for any people-pleaser, isn’t it? So if you feel the urge to go there, the conversation should be about boundaries, personal responsibility, and freedom. Not about what they need from you, or how you’re lacking in giving it to them. Because, well, it’s NOT your responsibility.
Sometimes when people ask unreasonable things of you and have grandiose expectations, you may become so overwhelmed that you simple react instead of respond. It can help to ask yourself some questions: is what they’re asking something you would expect them to do for you? Is it fair to yourself to say yes when you know you should (and totally could) say no?
When you’re being tested, remember to breathe and allow your emotions to flow through you. Oftentimes you’ll feel guilt, shame, or fear when you’re being put on the spot for someone else’s feelings. Don’t fixate on any thought. Instead, give yourself time to process what’s happening, and simply *pause*. It’s important to guard your heart and protect your soul. After all, you are YOUR OWN responsibility.
Not making other people’s feelings your responsibility requires courage, dedication, and discipline. I’ve been practicing this kind of detachment for a long time, yet I still fall back into my old ways so easily. Affirming my boundaries and being true to myself helps me to bounce back quickly, and recognize the signs when guilt or shame show up.
In the end, what works best is to remind ourselves that we’re responsible for how we’re feeling. Nothing more. But always.
Making that your priority will be so liberating. I promise
I’d love to what your experience has been with other people’s feelings. Let me know in the comments below.
How to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself
Setting personal boundaries is unfortunately something a lot of women struggle with. I know I do. As women, we grow up with the idea that in order to be valuable we have to be *of* value and service to others. This belief has become so ingrained in us, that setting boundaries and learning to put ourselves first not only seems like a scary task, but one that comes laden with guilt.
It’s not that it’s bad to give of ourselves to our families, friends, communities and work. It’s that if we over-extend ourselves to others, we put ourselves on the back burner of our own lives.
We end up being lived, instead of being fully alive.
That’s why we need healthy boundaries. They set the standard on how we want to be treated, and help us regain control over our existence.
Why We Fail to Set Boundaries
Societies all over the world teach girls that we must be good, quiet, polite and obedient. Women grow up (I’m one of them) learning that showing *too much* emotion will be frowned upon. We learn to be understanding, say “Yes” even (especially) when we want to say “No”.
When we say yes to everyone’s dream instead of our own, we experience a slow death of the soul. My bet is, if you can relate to any of these good girl symptoms you probably can relate to this soul-death as well.
As women, we have learnt how to settle in and with our lives for far too long. We have been trained to give our power away. Expected to let others make decisions for, and about us.
No wonder so many of us never learned how to set healthy boundaries.
Guilt
What happens when we do decide to put ourselves first? Guilt sets in. We get worried and anxious about what everyone will think of us:
Will they be upset?
Will they like me less
Will they still love me?
Standing up for yourself is hard work. It’s uncomfortable. It requires discipline, perseverance and devotion. It took me YEARS to be able to speak my truth, express what I needed, and stand up for myself. Even today, when I enforce a personal boundary, I immediately feel the pull to make things right. Guilt, shame, fear never fail to show up. As if I’d done something terrible wrong.
Does this sound familiar?
If it does, I want you to know that none of this is real. It’s all programming.
To liberate ourselves from guilt we need to understand that the only validation we truly need is our own. When we constantly look outside of ourselves for it, our boundaries are ALWAYS at risk. In fact, some of us put off making big life decisions and wait until they’re made for us, simply because we think we’re not allowed to.
That’s been me a few too many times in my life: selling a house a loved because my partner didn’t like it, chasing material success to gain my parents’ approval, accepting bullying and gossip from in-laws because I was expected to become part of the family, …
This sensitivity to the opinions of others and the need to do the right thing – and be the right woman – comes from the many centuries women lived under the rule and control of good old patriarchy. Again, it’s all learned beliefs and behavior.
In order to stop feeling guilty about choosing myself I had to reprogram my mind with new beliefs, and leave consensus reality behind for the real world: the one in which there’s nothing wrong with me to begin with (whatever the media and society are telling me), the one where I’m the leader of my own life.
If you want to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself you have to reset your beliefs about yourself and the world too.
You have to free yourself.
Patriarchy: What it is?
Patriarchy refers to the social construct in which it’s the accepted norm that men have more authority, power and privilege than women. This bias towards men permeate all levels of society – from conventional religious and political roles to family structures, where men are viewed as the head: the decision maker and the one who has the final say.
Patriarchal societies (the oppressive power of which is still present in the world today) are often patrilineal: properties, titles and other forms of wealth are passed down male lines only. An example of this is the Salic Law, excluding women from royal succession. Such laws – although ancient – are still very much alive. Belgium, for instance, home to yours truly and – incidentally – a monarchy, only allowed women to inherit the royal title in 1991. Not a time before time, but right when R.E.M. were losing their religion.
Another example of patriarchy are the earliest memories I have of my mother and money. She took care of it, made ends meet, but wasn’t allowed to open a bank account without my father’s consent.
The same is true for being allowed to work, own property, get a divorce without losing everything – including your children, and the right to vote (to name just a few things). American women weren’t allowed to vote until 1920 and British women were allowed to vote in 1918, given they were over 30.
But it doesn’t stop there. Bias, stereotypes, and discrimination towards women can be found throughout history. In fact, it’s been built into it. Women have had to fight every step of the way to achieve the same basic rights as men. For many, this is still an ongoing struggle today.
How could anyone NOT feel guilty for choosing themselves in such a context.
How to Stop Feeling Guilty
Letting go of over-giving and the fear that comes from standing up for yourself takes time, commitment and effort. It requires a complete paradigm shift to reprogram your thoughts, change your beliefs and eventually reclaim your life. Saying “No”, taking up the space you deserve, and protecting your time are all part of the process. They’re all steps towards putting yourself first.
This paradigm shift will get you to see that your needs are just as important – you are just as important – as everyone else.
Choosing yourself is a life-long practice, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get at it. As you become aware of your default thoughts and actions when you’re called to put yourself first, change will happen. Eventually your practice will be rewarded. Choosing yourself will become natural.
You’ll be (guilt) free.
What has your experience with setting boundaries and choosing yourself been like? Let me know in the comments below.
Is destination addiction keeping you from achieving your goals?
Many of us – especially multi-passionate, talented, creative makers and doers – feel we can only allow ourselves to be happy after we’ve ticked off our major goals, bucket and to-do lists. We think that we’ll only be truly happy when we reach that important milestone, get recognized for our work or finally achieve every goal on our list. The problem with this *after* thinking is that it leaves us perpetually aiming for more. Even if we achieve a big goal, the feelings of pride and accomplishment last only for a little while before they fade. Afterwards, we’re right back where we started: dissatisfied until we’ve achieved the next goal.
As a coach to multi-passionate, creative women I know the idea of happiness for many of my clients is always in the future. Never in the present moment. Throughout their lives they’ve accumulated many interests and projects, most of which they started but didn’t finish or never even got to in the first place. Someday is what I hear most often when asking about their dreams.
The truth is: us multi-passionates have a peculiar relationship with time.
Although the present moment is all we think we have, we often forget that *now* is all the time there is. (I know, but bare with me for a minute.)
We all have big goals and plans, right? Often we start a project or decide to go after one of our dreams. Before we know it, the enthusiasm that made us so passionate in the beginning is gone. Why?
It all just seems too far away.
That’s when many goals and dreams. We resign ourselves to the status quo, our responsibilities and the whimsy hope that things will (magically) work out later. This all-or-nothing thinking is what keeps us moving forward. We don’t see how every single day we could pull our dreams into our present moment, little by little. How *now* is all the time we really have.
But that’s when we actually start something. Oftentimes we don’t even get to that point. We may have many creative ideas and paths we want to take but because of fear of failing, aversion to criticism or worry of making the wrong choice, we sit on our ideas and plans, never getting around to do anything about them. This now-or-nothing thinking is an obstacle to achieving our dreams. We fail to see the sea of time we have to accomplish what we want.
“Destination Addiction” was first coined by Dr. Robert Holden, a British psychologist. He referred to it as a state of mind that holds the idea that happiness and success are destinations we arrive at, instead of experiences we have along the journey of accomplishing our goals. Because of the high expectations we have of when we’ll get there, we often fail to enjoy the journey. Society has programmed many of us to think in a linear way, where we expect one major milestone to occur after the other. We go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, retire then die, living as though happiness was to be found at the arrival of each one of these stages of our lives.
This is often not the case.
There is no inherent happiness in arriving at these milestones or achieving our goals. The feelings we believe these achievements will bring us are ones we can feel right here and now.
As multi-passionate women, we have to constantly remind ourselves of this, that joy and happiness are not rewards for a job well done but a state of mind we can bring into our lives right now. The more we do this, the faster we’ll feel whole, accomplished, and in the presence of our goals.
All we have for sure is how we decide to feel today. The late Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, “Life’s what’s happening to you, when you’re busy making other plans.” In other words, it’s good to plan for the future and have goals to work towards (I mean, duh!), but it’s important to remember that life is not put on hold until you achieve these things. Or that you can have some of those things in your life right now, before you believe you’ve accomplished them!
If you suffer from destination addiction, here’s three things I’ve found to help:
#1 Keep a list of your daily accomplishments
Break up with destination addiction by celebrating yourself everyday. Acknowledge the effort you’re making. When we’re on a journey towards change, a part of what keeps us motivated is remembering the steps we’ve already taken. Instead of beating yourself up over not being *there* yet, acknowledge how far you’ve come instead.
Click here to download your free copy
#2 Remind yourself of the goals you’ve already achieved
It’s great to hold steadfast to our vision and goals, but we must also take the time to be grateful for where we are in life and how far we’ve come from. It’s easy to get so tied up in what we’ve not accomplished yet or what we don’t have, that we lose sight of all our past goals and dreams that are now part of our reality. With destination addiction it’s easy to dismiss those dreams as “oh, well, that’s nothing. Yes, sure, I did that. But that was easy, this here – the new goal – is what matters”. If that’s you, imagine what will happen when you’ve reached that new goal? Exactly. If you’re not careful, you’ll brush it off just as fast as all your other accomplishments. Leaving you dissatisfied and aiming for the next one. And the next one. And the… you get the point.
#3 Live as if
On the journey towards your dream life (aka the creative lifestyle to fit your many ideas and interests) it’s important to experience as much of that life in the present as you can. In fact, this is the real *secret* to achieving your dreams. You may wonder how, but consider this: by being too focused on the end result, many people never take steps to actually incorporate the activities associated with their goals into their daily lives. Take a woman who dreams of being a bestselling novelist but never finds the time to actually write. She believes that she will write everyday once she’s an author. That is, someone who has the time to write, who’s read all the books about writing, and who feels ready. Only then will she write. The problem is, with this kind of thinking she’ll never feel (or even be) ready. All she needs is available to her right now: just write already!
It’s the same if you’re dreaming about being a photographer, actress or dancer! Want to be a great photographer one day? Take photos everyday, even if it’s just with your phone! The same with dancing; if you want to enjoy being a dancer, start moving. Now.
It really is that simple. So tell me, what are you waiting for?
9 best planners to achieve your goals
As creative, multi-talented, curious, ambitious doers we have many interests and projects to keep track of. Every day is a fresh page in our planner with different work obligations, goals to aim for and a life to take care of. But that’s not all. We also have a mission – to make a difference, change the world… leave our mark. Right!?
Balancing our obligations with our personal interests and aspirations is often the biggest struggle we face. Making sense of the ideas, goals, and to-dos that constantly roll around our heads isn’t easy. Often it’s as if they’re all pulling at us for our attention. When that happens (which is, well, almost every day) it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
Without a systemized approach to our daily work, scheduled events and projects we might feel in control of our goals but we aren’t. That’s why we need planners!
As a coach for multi-talented, creative women I’m lucky to work with amazing humans who aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. The problem is, due to their multi-passionate nature, they’re often juggling a lot of balls in the air at the same time. Making sure they stay there, and don’t come crashing down is a fulltime job – and not an easy one at that. Again, it’s a process that requires an organized plan. But also actions and the soulful productivity practices to go along with them. Regardless of how hardworking we are, neglecting to plan how we’ll achieve a goal will lead to disappointments & frustrations.
With the end of the year in sight, what better time to put together a list of my favorite planners to help you get clear on your goals, stay on track and finally achieve your dreams!
Here’s my pick of 9 best planners to achieve your goals.
The Clever Fox Planner made it to #1 on this best planner list again this year. From all the planners I have (and I have many, believe me) this is the one I use on a daily basis. I love the daily undated version. Yes, you can start using it anytime, isn’t that awesome? Even more cool is the space you have to record your weekly objectives, routines and habits.
Some other useful features include:
Comes in pink, black or orange.
Contains pages for gratitude and self-awareness.
Features pages to record your top goals for the year, daily rituals, a mind mind, vision board, and more.
Comes in both weekly and daily versions, with monthly overviews.
Anyone looking for a planner that will also serve as a goal-setting tool and habit tracker will enjoy the Clever Fox Planner. With space to record month to month and week by week objectives, wins, and habits I find it very useful, and a perfect addition to other tools to help me stay on track to accomplish the goals that really matter to me.
#2 Day Designer
As a creative, multi-passionate entrepreneur, the Day Designer is one of my all-time favorite planners. An instinctive planner that’s not only spacious but also extremely beautiful! Designed with the wisdom in mind that a well-structured day leads to a well-lived life, the Day Designer offers an ingenious, yet simple framework to help you find balance, focus, and increase productivity, by focusing on what’s important.
The Day Designer is a blend of worksheets, prompts, planning tools, and note sections. I love how its initial pages offer a variety of worksheets, each intended to enable you to discover your qualities, values, individual abilities, vision, and interests.
Inside the Day Designer you’ll find:
A separate page for each day of the week, with the exception of the weekend, where Saturday and Sunday share a page.
Weekly spreads that start on Monday and run daily from 5 am to 9 pm.
Within the day by day pages you’ll also discover prompts for your top 3 to-dos, inspirational quotes, space for dinner planning, a gratitude section, and more.
The Day Designer comes with a notes section, a monthly calendar, and space for project planning with due dates.
The Day Designer is a perfect planner for anyone looking to define objectives, create plans and take action.
#3 The Planner
This planner, created by Carrie Green from the Female Entrepreneur Association, is another great business planner to keep you inspired, focused & dreaming big.
The Planner is a limited-edition daily planner that covers an entire year of planning, and goal setting. When you’re flipping through the soft pages of this planner, you can’t help but think it was created by someone who knows A LOT about effective goal setting, and has a great sense of style.
The Planner has a luxurious powder pink & gold foiled cover, gold accented corners, and gold wire binding. The first pages of the planner are for yearly planning, and asking yourself powerful questions about what you want to achieve.
I absolutely love the monthly calendar spread, weekly planner pages and daily pages of this planner. On the daily pages you have space to list your 3 top goals of the day, a schedule from 7am until 10pm, and a section for notes. At the bottom of each page is an inspiration quote.
All of this, together with the free online course and monthly bonuses that come with The Planner, make it one of my top picks of the year!
The Daily greatness collection is probably the most in-depth planner collection out there. If you’re looking for a blend of goal-setting workbooks, tools for focus and productivity, to-do lists, and daily or weekly planners, Daily Greatness is for you.
For my business I swear by the Daily Greatness Business Planner – one of the most comprehensive and complete business planners available on the market today. Designed for optimal focus, personal growth and organization, the week-to-a-view pages will guide you in forming excellent thinking habits while taking action on your most important priorities. The weekly check-ins, challenges, planners and inspiration keep you firmly on track, while the 90-Day high-level check-ins and challenges keep you committed, accountable and motivated to achieve your goals. Each stage lays the foundation for staying true to your purpose as an entrepreneur, reaching your goals, expanding your mind and exploding your business.
Daily Greatness also offers other collections worth checking out in case you’re searching for more structure to continue making progress in other areas of your life or business.
#5 Inkwell Press LiveWell Planner
What I love most about the Inkwell Planner are it’s build-in tools to help you deal with overwhelm. Especially useful when you’re a multi-talented, creative woman with a gazillion ideas and interests!
The Inkwell Press Planner comes with proven productivity tools and reflective prompts to help you feel inspired, relaxed and in control while working on your goals. The planner is also fully customizable and comes in different planner formats including daily planning, week after week planning, goal-setting and more. With the new liveWELL 360° disc planning system, pages can be added or removed depending on your needs.
The focus of the Inkwell Planner differs from most other planners in that it’s more than just setting goals and productivity. This planner’s main goal is to help you create a life full of happiness and purpose. It’s about bringing balance, self-care and meaningful creative pursuits into you life. How inspiring, right?
#6 Simplified Planner by Emily Lay
The Simplified Planner is intended to help you put that which matters most first in your life. Whatever it might be, whether starting a creative project, a new exercise routine or a healthy change in eating habits – the Simplified Planner will help you get there. Within the planner you’ll find events and memories sections, space for dinner plans, and more.
I’m especially fond of all the inspirational quotes added throughout the planner.
The Simplified Planner is a perfect option if you’re looking for a lovely, compact, well-organized planner. Oh, and it comes in two versions: luxurious Mohawk and gold wire-o binding. Both so beautiful it’s hard to choose!
The Erin Condren Life Planner is one of my most loved planners. It has everything you could ever want in a planner. Besides keeping track of your daily appointments and to-dos, it helps you define objectives, get a clear vision of exactly what you want, and take charge of your life.
What makes the Erin Condren Life Planner so exceptional is how much of it you can customize. Different planning layouts, color schemes, cover & coil options; you can build your planner the way you want – and need it.
MY PA Planner is a newcomer in my planner selections. As I’ve mentioned above, for my business I’ve sworn by the Daily Greatness Business Planner a few years now. The MY PA Planner might well be its biggest competition!
If you’re looking for a planner that doubles as a personal business assistant, this planner might be exactly what you’re looking for. MY PA is a goal-setting tool as much as it is a daily planner. It comes with an extensive section of reflective questions about your personal and business goals, review prompts, financial overviews, and more. It even tracks your social media and content activities. What I really love about this planner is that it gives more space to write down daily goals, actions, and to-dos than it does for appointments. For someone like me – and keeps track of appointments digitally – having enough space to jot down ideas and to-dos is a must.
My PA Planner key features that I love include:
Yearly Life, Business & Marketing Planner.
Yearly, Monthly and Daily goal Setting Planner.
Social media & content planner.
Weekly Review and Gratitude Journal.
Idea and Inspiration Vault for all your amazing ideas and doodles.
Daily Health & wellness checker where you can track your daily water intake and record exercise.
Space for your notes and reminders.
Space to draw, mind map & be creative.
With all these benefits and features, I’ve decided to give the MY PA planner a spin as my business planner this year. That’s how impressed I am by it!
#3 PowerSheets Intentional Goal Planner
I’m ending this year’s list with my all-time favorite goal planner. Although some of the planners above come with goal planning sections, many of them don’t. And when they do they often don’t go into enough depth or don’t ask the right questions.
Not the PowerSheets. This intentional goal and action planner is a step by step system created to help you define who you want to be in the big picture and how to get there. It brings together a lot of the golden nuggets I’ve seen in other planners: ideas for the new year, prompts to dig deep into who you really are, evaluation tools to get clear on where you are right now, a section for your big picture dreams and even your word of the year.
That’s for the first part of the PowerSheets. The goals section that follows guides you through the process of turning your ideas and big picture dreams into goals and action plans that you can actually achieve. What’s really great about the PowerSheets is that it comes with monthly pages designed to help you keep on track with your action plans, as well as review them.
It doesn’t hurt that it’s one of the prettiest planners out there, too. Just seeing its bright colors and holding it in my hands makes me happy!
If you’re looking for a tool to help you make sense of all your ideas and turn them into actionable items, I’d give the PowerSheets a try. Lara Casey – the creator of the goal planner – and her team have been perfecting this planner for many years, and it shows. The PowerSheets is a must-have for any avid goal-setters out there!
That’s it for this year’s list of 9 Best Planners to Achieve Your Goals. In the comments below, let me know which planner you’re going for this year, and why. I’d love to know!
Miracle (morning) routines that actually work
There are two things in the world I love more than anything else (well, almost): learning and experimenting. In my pursuit of figuring out what a soul inspired life might look like, growing into my best, happiest and most productive self often requires using myself as a guinea pig. Today included.
One of the nuts I’ve been trying to crack for a while now is HABITS. How they’re formed, the things we can do to uncover them and – most importantly – how we can change the ones that work against us for better ones.
Something else that I’m absolutely convinced of obsessed about is how we systematically overestimate what we can accomplish in the short term, yet underestimate what we can accomplish over longer periods of time. This fascinates me because it’s rooted in the complex way we operate as humans.
Imagine you want to write a book. You know – rationally – that if you spend one hour a day writing you’ll have a book (self-)published within a year FOR SURE. The thing is, there’s a little voice inside you (or a big one, depending on who’s talking) that keeps telling you a year is way too long. Eventually she convinces you to turn your book dream into a six-month plan (if you’re lucky). What started as an easy, soulful *less-than-a-page-a-day* kind of deal has now magically doubled in pressure and daily required effort. Although it FEELS easier (faster, more doable) to write a book in six months rather than a year, the chances of success aren’t better.
I know, I know. You’d expect me to say that the chances of success are lower, right? Well… yes, in a way. But not exactly. If you give yourself a year to write a book, what works in your favor also works against you: TIME.
This brings me to the third (and final) ingredient of today’s conundrums: the compound effect, aka the theory that your REALITY is the result of your daily choices, behavior, and actions.
This is important. Why?
Because if you give yourself a year to write a book (for a stronger punch line: replace with personal dream of choice) but you’re skipping writing hour three times a week… guess what? It won’t get done.
Slip up once and you can get back on the saddle. Slip up twice and it gets tougher. Do it three times in a row and that book idea probably goes back into the procrastination fridge for a while.
If that’s you (and that is SO ME, by the way) I want you to know you’re not alone.
Nobody taught me about any of this stuff, and I *bet* nobody taught you either (would have been great but, hey, there where so many useless other things to learn first). We’ve been conditioned to fail right from the start by not learning how habits really work. And how to make them work for us.
Because the thing is, there’s a big difference between our unconscious habits and what we can consciously do with them: the MIRACLE ROUTINES we can create to bypass, and change them.
Perhaps you’re familiar with Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning. A daily routine that has you wake up earlier to do what the author calls “SAVERS”: silence, affirmations, visualizations, exercise, reading, scribing. That last one simply means journaling but, according to the author, it didn’t make such a nice acronym. There’s a huge community of people adhering to this practice (more than 170000 of them on Facebook alone). And for good reason.
Small actions repeated over time create the most amazing results.
Actions put together into a specific sequence repeated at regular intervals turn into a routine. Daily routines are easiest to remember and keep up. That’s why creating routines for yourself is so powerful – and creates miraculous results!
Long before I came across Hal Elrod’s book, I was already convinced of the power of routines. In fact, due to my HSP nature, routines is something I always had. Whenever I learned how to do something, the most efficient way I could find to do it would easily turn into a routine for me. Although this can make me a little inflexible at times (hmm) it’s also been an incredible asset both in my private and professional life. Having routines help me
save time,
remember what I have to do,
know what to focus on,
keep at it over time,
build habits (!),
improve my productivity,
slowly become a joyful, courageous, free version of myself.
The real juicy part of routines comes from creating them in such a way that they not only make you benefit from the compound effect, but positively influence your subconscious mind at the same time.
To illustrate what I mean, here’s my morning routine (what I consider a great mix of action-oriented and mindset improving steps):
Transcendental meditation
Journaling
Visualisation
Writing down my goals
Affirmations
Reviewing my to-dos for the day and getting started with the first one
I have no exercise in this routine because – ta-da! – I have another routine for that. I use the Pomodoro technique when I work, and use my 25-minute breaks to squeeze movement into my day.
Now, these routines work well for me because I have a home office and no kids. I understand things might be different for you, and having a morning program like mine might not be possible. But that’s not to say that you can’t have any routines set in place. In fact, I strongly *suggest* that you do.
Even just one thing – repeated every day – will have a tremendous effect over a longer period of time. I’ve used this technique for years now to teach myself new skills: piano, writing, photography, drawing, even computer programming. (I know, it’s the multi-passionate in me, I can’t help myself).
My point is: you can do this too! If you’re up to it, here’s what I’d love you to do.
Think about what you want accomplish for yourself. Less stress? Better self-care? Writing a book? More clients? Learning to play the piano? Getting back in shape? Whatever it is, think about one step that will help you to get there. Now vow to yourself that you’ll do it every day (morning, noons, nights… it doesn’t matter when) for the next 90 days.
The results will BLOW YOU AWAY.
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How to get unstuck and get started now
“It’s only too late if you don’t start now”. Wise words that I love and cherish, spoken by my idol Barbara Sher, grandmother to all scanners as she calls them us: the multi-passionate creatives, creative generalists, multipotentialites…
For us especially, but for anyone else with big ideas and goals too, making sure we get to live our dreams – passions, interests – is absolutely necessary for our happiness – and sanity.
I’ve touched on the importance of having a plan before. Because, yes, a dream that isn’t planned out is nothing more than a wish. The same goes for today’s tip. As long as you don’t *start* to do something to achieve your dream, you’re stuck in the ideas realm. That’s why – once you’ve set your mind to accomplish a goal – you must start immediately. And I mean that LITERALLY – as in now.
I’ve found that the quicker you set out to do something – anything – to work towards a particular goal, the easier it becomes to anchor that goal into your life, and to turn taking action on it into a habit.
And that’s precisely what we want.
The achievement of a goal is the compounded effect of (sometimes very small) actions taken over (sometimes very long periods of) time. The actions might differ greatly depending on the dream you’re trying to achieve. But the dreams all share at least one thing: to get to the finish line you need to get started. This single action might *go without saying* but it’s the biggest dream killer I know, and probably one of the most important actions you can take in trying to achieve your goals.
That’s why – to dream bigger – you need to start now.
From my own experience, and from working with so many clients on figuring out the way to their dreams, I know how dangerous failing to start can be for your dreams. For years I kept *thinking* about all the things I wanted to do: play piano, write, draw, create new projects and businesses, make things… Guess how many dreams came true during that time? A grand total of ZERO.
It’s only when I decided to do something with those dreams that my life took on a completely different shape. My biggest regret? Not to have done it sooner.
Does this mean you have to hurry to achieve your goals? Nope. Not at all. In fact, I’m a strong advocate of taking things slowly. But failing to start is not the same as taking your time to accomplish something. Not taking that first step means not doing anything at all. And that, as I hope you got by now, will get you nowhere.
How to start now?
Pick an action you can get started with immediately
All dreams have actions that require nothing more than for you to do them. If not, we would never be able to achieve anything because we would never be able to get started. For most dreams there’s some research you can do, or someone to talk to who knows more about what you want to achieve than you. Perhaps it’s a book you could read, or something to buy or put together. Whatever it is, there’s ALWAYS something you can start with immediately.
Do it now
Texting someone or doing a quick search online will take no more than a few minutes, so there’s really never an excuse not to do it. Think about your goal and come up with one thing that you can start with immediately. Once you know what it is, do it. Now.
Schedule your next work session in your calendar
After you’re done with the previous step you can – of course – continue with the next action. If you’re like me you’ll probably be enjoying ticking off some of those todos from your list, so please feel free to do so for as long as you like! Whether you keep going or not, however, make sure to schedule your next work session in your calendar. This will make sure that you continue to work towards your goal, and keep taking action.
Pretty easy, right? So many of us think of dreams as daunting mountains that we’ll never be able to climb when the only thing we *really* need to do is to take that first step. Then another. And another.
If you want more tips to get unstuck, I’ve got great news for you! This tip is part of a series, you can find all entries here.
How to say “no” without feeling guilty
I get a lot of emails from people who want to partner with me or have *irresistible* offers for me. They’ve got THE app that will quadruple my productivity or the system that will boost my website traffic into the millions. Usually I dismiss those emails (because you know what… you don’t have to reply to unsolicited email… no really, you DON’T) but sometimes the pitch will be *really* good, or the way the email is put together shows someone with a brain actually sat down behind a keyboard to write it. In that case, I might reply. Like I did last week, when I got an email from an airline magazine offering me a once in a lifetime deal to have my work featured in their upcoming onboard edition.
I was intrigued (not in the least by the outdated information they had about my business, which goes to show that there’s more that triggers me besides great pitches) so I decided to give it a shot.
Long story short, last Friday my phone rang. It was the airline magazine people. Quickly I realized the great deal was in fact an emergency cover-up on the side of the magazine, who had lost one of their advertisers last minute.
My business could be featured in the magazine instead. But to make it work I needed to act fast and provide a suitable ad by the end of the weekend, pay a (ahem) exceptionally discounted fee, change copy on my website, and be on stand-by all Monday for changes that would – most probably – be requested. Of course, all this without any certainty of return on my investment.
All in all not such a great deal after all.
With all the ifs above, and because I profoundly dislike last minute marketing (hello marketing plan) I told the friendly magazine representative that I wasn’t interested, at least not until the fee was so low that I couldn’t pass on the opportunity. I shared with her how disruptive this opportunity was for me, how I’d have to pay premium to my designer to work on such short notice, kiss relax and recreation my weekend plans goodbye, rearrange my marketing budget to squeeze in a magazine. All of which without knowing if it will result in any tangible business. After a short pause she took a breath and thanked me. Told me that she understood where I was coming from and wished she could give me a better rate. Since she couldn’t though, we said goodbye and left it at that.
I’m mentioning this experience because it’s a great example of how I’ve learned to say “no” in an authentic way, and how effective such clarity and honesty can be.
When you think of it, most requests are usually a “no” or a “yes”, but rarely a “maybe”. Even so, we turn most of our “nos” into delayed “yeses” floating around for way too long as “maybes”. Why? We don’t want to disappoint, we’re afraid we won’t be liked, or we haven’t learned how to do it properly (that’s most of us by the way).
The truth is: dancing around a “no” takes so much more time and effort than offering a gracious one immediately. It’s really not that hard. No, REALLY, it isn’t.
You can say something like:
Thank you so much for thinking of me, but right now I’m focusing on X so I won’t have time to do Y for the next Z.
I love the idea but I’m currently going all in on this new project I’m working on, so I’ll have to pass.
I’m so honoured you’ve thought of me, but I promised myself I wouldn’t take on any more work for now, so I won’t be able to help you. I can give you some referrals instead if that would help.
This sounds like a great opportunity but it doesn’t fit in the plan I’ve created for myself. I do know someone who might be just what you’ve been looking for, shall I introduce you?
Saying “no” doesn’t need to take long, be difficult, or put anybody off. All you need to do is be clear and honest about your situation, and explain why you cannot go in on the request.
That’s all.
Once you’ve mastered the art of saying “no” graciously, it will become one of your biggest allies in protecting your time so you can focus on what that really matters to you: your dreams and nobody else’s.
PS: If saying “no” is somewhat tricky for you, I’ve put together a free soulful productivity challenge that might be just what you need. In it I share everything I know about how to do your best work in a way that flows and feels easy. Including how to set boundaries and protect your time so you can do the things you really want to do. Click here to learn more (and sign-up :)).