#5 The fear of change and learning how to deal with uncertainty
Podcast transcript:
When I was younger, I couldn't stand change at all. It's still something I need to work on (I'll share more about the reasons why in a later episode of this podcast). That’s not to say that I haven’t improved a lot! There’s no comparison between how anxious and uncomfortable I used to feel just thinking about change, and how I actually enjoy it now. Ok, enjoy might be too exciting of a word here, but you get the point. The thing is, I now know that change equals growth, improvement, progress, moving towards your full potential. Without embracing change, I would not be where I am today and I would not feel as happy and successful as I do.
Everything I have in my life right now: the things I’m surrounded with, the experiences I have, as well as the people in my inner circle, my clients, my friends are all the result of the changes I have consciously made over the last few years. To get here, I had to swim through some rough waters, that’s true, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. One of the things that helped me to get here was overcoming my fear of change, and especially learning to deal with uncertainty. As soon as something used to be uncertain for me, I began to stress and become anxious. And it wasn’t just the big things; small changes and uncertainties could throw me off completely too!
Changing plans unexpectedly could upset me. I would get nervous and start sweating, even if it was about choosing another movie in the theater because the one I had in mind wasn’t showing. Of course, the greater the uncertainty, the more I became nervous. The days between the moment I made an offer on my first house and the moment I was told that my offer had been accepted, I couldn't sleep at all.
In my daily life it was very difficult to deal with so much stress and anxiety, especially as an entrepreneur who knew how useful it can be to take more risks and worry less. That's why I'm so glad I've taught myself how to deal with it much better. And that's precisely what I want to talk about today. What the fear of change and uncertainty actually is, how you can deal with it and how you can learn to let go of control in order to grow.
In episode 2 of this podcast, where I talked about how to overcome our fears, I shared how the fear of change is an evolutionary phenomenon: our brains have evolved to sense, memorize and recognize danger. Long ago, when humanity was just emerging and we roamed the plains of the savannah, a quick fight-or-flight response to a moving branch or a wild animal in the distance could mean the difference between life and death.
Following Darwin's theories about natural selection and evolution of species, only our ancestors with the fastest "fear" reflexes survived. This is the legacy that these survivors passed on to their children and ultimately to us. And this is exactly the problem. What was once an incredibly useful tool for survival is not well adjusted to a completely changed world. Our brains and nervous systems are still on guard and ready to respond to life-threatening triggers and dangers. Unfortunately for us, change is one of the things that triggers a fear response just like danger. And a lot of the fear is created in our mind. If you want to know more about our brain and nervous system and how they connect to fear, I invite you to listen to episode 2.
For today, what’s important to know is that we fear possibilities more than actual danger: our neocortex signals what the possible pain or loss could be in the face of change, and really loves to imagine worst-case scenarios... Whereas in real life, the probability that things will turn out well is much higher - something our reptilian brain, after being overwhelmed by the neocortex with doomsday scenarios, doesn't consider anymore! The ancient Greek stoic philosopher Seneca said it best: “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
We’re also afraid of making wrong choices, of not sticking with it, of giving up. Indeed, another important reason we don't like change is that it brings uncertainty. Neuroscience research, meanwhile, has shown that uncertainty is seen by our brain as a "mistake," a kind of "failure." Of course, our brain does not like failures, because they might involve danger, they deviate from the pattern we’re used to, so we can only calm down our nervous system again when the failure is "eliminated."
I recently read on the Inc Magazine website that fear of change is the biggest reason people are not making progress with their career. People who fear change look less confident at work than people who can deal with change better, because they will avoid situations and opportunities that involve uncertainty. The truth is that change always involves some pain (although with the choices you make freely it is often the "good" kind of pain), because you always leave something behind when you move on to something new. Very often it also has to do with identity, a kind of style break in who you’ve been up to that point, in a way, changing means choosing a new truth and reality for yourself, like when you decide to leave a life or business partner, change jobs or do something completely different.
Just remember that nothing is ever certain. It’s a hard truth for some, and a freeing thought for others. It depends on how you look at it and what your personal circumstances are. When we hold on too hard to what we have, uncertainty can seem like the worst thing in the world. We don’t want to lose or let go of what we have, so we do everything in our power to keep everything the way it is.
But isn’t one of the real dangers in life that you would stay stuck somewhere you don’t want to be? A big step in getting ourselves unstuck is to be willing to adapt. Our refusal to do so, and to accept uncertainty, is more dangerous than most of the curveballs life can throw at us. By accepting that you can’t know or control everything that will happen to you, and by allowing life to unfold instead of trying to contain it, you’re not just making it easier for yourself to navigate change, you're also giving yourself the gifts of change. As I’ve addressed before, too often we think of change as something negative. But change and uncertainty are bringers of opportunity. Think about it: if everything stays the same in your life, will you ever learn new things, meet new people, explore new parts of yourself?
In order to grow and reach our full potential, we must put ourselves in situations that are not familiar to us, we must accept uncertainty as an essential part of the process. In my coaching practice - and in my own life - I’ve witnessed this countless times. When we try to have everything figured out before we do something, we usually end up doing nothing. That’s why I encourage you to not be too attached to the outcome you have in your mind. Give yourself a direction you want to go in, and simply take a step. The unfolding of the process will happen before you and for you. The only thing you need to do is to keep going, one step at a time, and to be open to what emerges as you do so.
When things hadn’t been going well with an ex-partner for a while, I put together a vision board of what I wanted in my life. A lot of it had to do with intimacy, love and warmth, something that had been lost in that relationship. Every time I looked at the vision board, I saw pictures of happy couples doing fun things together: dancing, kissing, relaxing by the pool, cooking dinner together. Every time I envisioned them, I could only picture myself experiencing those things with that ex. It never happened. Less than a year later, while we were living in another country, on a Friday night without warning, he packed all his stuff, loaded everything including our dog into his car, and left. He needed “time to think” he said. I know now that this expression, especially coming out of the mouths of romantic partners, often is code speak for “I met someone else and I’m leaving you”.
The separation was painful, especially because I didn’t see it coming - even though we weren’t in a good relationship I clung on to it too hard, I saw it as my only option at the time. Because of that I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me: my partner starting an affair with someone else while I was trying to rekindle the romance between us. But here’s the thing: a few months after he was gone, and I’d moved back to my home country, I met someone. We’re not together anymore but in the months that followed everything that was on my vision board, all the love, the warmth, the intimacy came true for me. I had the most wonderful time and so much fun with someone I enjoyed spending time with and that was good to me. To this day, this is one of the greatest lessons in manifesting and getting unstuck that I’ve ever received: put out a vision for yourself, work towards it, but don’t get too hung up on how exactly you think it needs to be. If you do, you’ll miss the magic of what the winds of uncertainty and change might bring.
Without knowing it, we are constantly changing. Our bodies have been in a continuous process of cell division, growth and change since birth. The world around us, the universe, they’re constantly changing. The people in our lives, and we as well, are constantly evolving and therefore changing. The only certainty we have is that everything is always changing!
As human beings, we don't like to lose anything, after all, we know what we have but not what we’ll get. This was certainly true for me and that relationship. This is reason enough for many people to stay where they are, no matter how bad the situation is and how unhappy it makes them. Staying in an unhappy relationship because you're afraid of being alone or because it's better "for the kids," continuing to date someone or hanging out with people you know aren’t right for you… things like that. This is also a problem when it comes to work and career. In my practice, I see a lot of people who want to change jobs. Yet some of them stay where they are for a super long time because they’re afraid of what they might lose: money, security, nice colleagues, ... but almost all of them admit that, once they made the choice and "jumped" they should have done it much sooner. Without exception, they’re all happier now than before.
This isn’t unusual, because when comparing what we know with what we don't know, we usually see what we know in more detail than what we don't know, so we tend to think that what we know is better. It’s only after the change that you can assess how things really were.
Does this mean that change is always wonderful? Absolutely not. It often isn’t, at least in the moment, and that’s why we rebel against it so much. Between the moment that my ex left me and that I experienced unforgettable moments with someone else, months of agony had passed. It took me close to two years to completely build myself back up, and to accept what had happened, the betrayal, the lies. You see, he was afraid of change just as much as I was. He needed the certainty that someone else wanted to be with him before he could leave me. As human beings, we do this to each other all the time. It’s not great, but it’s understandable. We have a low tolerance for pain, and change is often painful.
Learning to tolerate the pain of change, accepting the discomfort of the liminal space you have to go through to become a new version of yourself, is a superpower. The better you get at it, the easier it will be for you to achieve your dreams. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable is the most amazing skill, and it is something I’ll come back to later in this podcast. For now, here are a few tips on how you can start to stop being afraid of change to help you get unstuck:
Something that has helped me get over my fears of change is making a list of all the positive changes I’ve had in the past, including when I was forced to change my life when my ex left me for someone else. When you start making such a list, reflect on how it felt before the change and the fears you had then. Did they come true? Or did the situation eventually turn out more positive than you thought? In my case it absolutely did!
Another thing that helps me is making vision boards. For years I've been making one both for my professional and personal life. And every 6 months I do a review and remove what I've already accomplished (which is often a lot!) and add new things I want to accomplish. What's nice about a vision board is that it brings change into your life on a daily basis by reminding you what you want to achieve. You can make a vision board on paper or on Pinterest (my favorite way to do it). Every morning when I have a coffee I scroll through my boards. It only takes a few minutes and it’s great to start the day with! But remember: don’t get too attached to how you think things will change for you. Change is uncertain and a complex process, give it space.
That's it for another episode of this podcast! I hope you enjoyed it. Before I say goodbye, here's the "fuckit, let's do it!" experiment of the week. The most important thing to take away from this episode is that embracing change is much more powerful than being afraid of it. So this week make a small change in your life every day. This doesn't have to be anything big: driving or walking to work via a different route, choosing a different cake than your usual at the bakery, greeting the people you meet in a different way than you would normally do, signing something or writing with your other hand ... anything that is a tiny bit different from how you would normally do it is a good start. Keep that up for a week and you’ll see that change is already not so scary + you might start to enjoy doing things differently! I’ll be doing this alongside you, and I’m starting with doing a completely different routine at the gym.
Before I go, and only if you want to, here’s a little act of daily rebellion to take with you into the week as well. One day this week, eat your favorite food for breakfast. It doesn’t matter what it is: chocolate cake, chips, spaghetti, pizza. Give yourself the gift of indulging into something that tastes good and that is just for you. I, for one, am going to have cold spaghetti with mayonnaise tomorrow morning. It was the first “dish” if you can call it that, that my first love and I made together late at night one evening after coming back from a party. It’s my favorite to this day. It doesn't hurt that I think of his dashing blue eyes and our innocent teenage love when I eat it :))
If you feel like sharing your experiment or breakfast choice with me or if you're not sure what a good experiment might be for you, don't hesitate to send me a message or DM in Instagram @muriellemarie. Thanks for listening, have fun and talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you’re not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
