#4 Trusting yourself and not breaking promises to yourself to improve your self-confidence
Podcast transcript:
Being stuck is something everyone suffers from at some point. I don't know anyone who at least once in his or her life didn’t know what to do next. The Internet is full of articles and tips on how to stop procrastinating and take action. All these tips are valuable and can help - at least a little bit.
I used to have absolutely no idea of how to approach the things I wanted to do and actually do them, even though the people who knew me back then would probably say otherwise.
In the previous episode of this podcast, about how reprogramming your nervous system can help you overcome your fears, I went into a bit more detail about this. I explained how I was a sad little pile of misery on the inside, someone who was scared of almost everything! I was afraid to use my voice, I always thought I’d done something wrong when anything negative happened around me, and I suffered terribly from stress, anxiety and procrastination.
If you’d been able to hear inside my head back then, you'd have heard nothing but negative self-talk and criticism. About everything and everyone. But mostly about why I could never start anything, or if I did, why I couldn't finish the things I started.
It’s been 12 years since my path of self-discovery began, and I'm happy to report that it's almost completely quiet in my head now. Occasionally, when something really frustrates me or really matters, it’ll still get a bit noisy up there, but otherwise my mind is calm and peaceful. There’s many reasons for this, of course, because getting unstuck is a multi-layered process, and I’ll come back to many of them in this podcast.
What I want to talk about today is how improving my relationship with myself, and making myself a reliable person to myself, has had a huge impact on my decisiveness, discipline and my perseverance. Learning to not break the promises I made to myself has been crucial to achieve this. It seems trivial but in this episode I'll go into more detail about it, because it's been a real eye-opener for me, and I hope it will be for you too.
When we try long enough to be someone we can't be (or don't want to), or when we try to change purely on willpower alone (without really addressing anything about our inner self), we've often told ourselves a lot of excuses why we don’t do the things we know we really want to do.
We all have good intentions that turn into promises to ourselves, and although they sound different for everyone, most of them have something in common: we rarely keep them! "In the morning, I'll start planning better and things will finally work out" "If I try a little longer, maybe I'll like my job." "I'll start tomorrow. "
And what do we do when tomorrow comes? Nothing. We eat chips on the couch while watching Netflix, scrolling through TikTok or Instagram. So without much effort, we quickly break a promise we made to ourselves, only to make the same promise to ourselves again later in the day or further into the week, when we suddenly remember all that we want to accomplish and the dreams we want to achieve.
What I know now is that there is a way out of procrastination, out of feeling lost, out of being stuck and in despair that your situation will always be as it is today. I have experienced it in my own life and see it every day in my coaching practice, and it all starts with the promises you make to yourself.
When we've been stuck for a while and don't know what else we could try to do to move forward, we start doubting ourselves. And that's completely normal: who wouldn't start doubting their abilities when you've tried things so many times, without success?
Or when you've told yourself that you're finally going to do something about your situation, move out, break up, change jobs, tell your sister what you really think of her nosiness, and so on...but then still continue to procrastinate or start doing other things instead of focusing on what could really move you forward!
It seems harmless to tell ourselves something one day and start doing something completely different the next, but this is far from the truth! We’ve been taught to keep promises to others, but we’ve never been told that the same applies to what we tell ourselves. Even though those promises are so much more important! The most important!
The biggest problem with this habit is that little by little, with each promise you break to yourself, you also undermine your self-confidence. If you get into a cycle of promising yourself that you will do something, but end up never doing it, you can lose confidence in yourself so much that eventually you just don't believe that you’re capable of anything - besides procrastinating that is.
Creative generalists - but this also applies to people with many ideas, like creatives and entrepreneurs - often have a long list of things they want to do. Looking at mine, here are some of the things I’m currently actively working on or can't wait to get started on: coaching, writing books, drawing, studying, genealogy research, volunteering, starting a nonprofit to help young people find meaningful work, stand-up comedy, painting kids faces just for fun, screen-printing my own t-shirt line, creating a new online program and so much more.
Today I know that I’m actually doing or going to do everything on my list. Why? Because I’ve become the type of person that keeps the promises she makes to herself. I’m trustworthy to myself.
It used to be different. In the past, I wasn't less creative or had fewer interests or ideas, but instead of doing what I said I was going to do, I just said things and never acted on them. Worse, when I did start something, I often stopped halfway through, especially when things got a little more difficult than I expected.
Think about this for a second: Imagine that a friend has already promised to drive you to the doctor three times, but each time she comes up with an excuse at the last minute why she can’t. Now she offers to take you for the fourth time. What does your gut feeling tell you? Do you still believe her? Or have you made other arrangements? Are you starting to doubt whether you will ever get to the doctor with her?
Although we often don't realize it, the exact same thing is true when we promise ourselves things we don't do. If you tell yourself every night that you'll go for a run at 7am the next tomorrow and then you just snooze your way out of it, or if you put self-care on your calendar but then skip it as soon as someone else needs something from you, you’re breaking promises to yourself - and putting yourself last in your life!
That's why it's so important to stop doing this! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind, choosing a different path or getting tired of something. It’s also fine to go all-in for a job that you think is perfect for you and then realize after a few months that you’re bored or made a mistake. The problem lies in what you say to yourself in the meantime. Because a broken promise to yourself is broken confidence that you’ll do what you say you do. Which in turn will lead to you not really trusting yourself anymore. And that in turn undermines your belief in your ability to make your dreams come true.
How to start keeping the promises you make to yourself?
Suppose you develop an interest in online marketing and dive right into it, promising yourself to go to school for 2 years, something that makes sense for the business you’re trying to build. Then, after a few months, you realise the initial passion and interest for all things online marketing is gone. People around you look shocked when you tell them you’re now passionate about podcasting and want to know everything about it. "But you were so good at doing marketing?" is the only thing you hear.
It doesn’t feel good, because it’s shame and guilt that you're feeling and that’s never fun. But in truth, you don’t have to feel that way! What you should have done is not promise yourself 2 years of study, but just the time you needed to find out everything about marketing that you wanted to know.
My advice is to be very careful and scarce with what you promise yourself, only promise yourself what you know you’ll really do, and when you do make a promise to yourself, keep it at all costs! Promises to yourself deserve the highest priority!
After all, the better you keep them, the more you’ll begin to believe that you can do things and finish them effectively, and the more you’ll begin to trust yourself that you are the kind of person who does what he or she says. To make your dreams come true that is by far the most important thing you can do! Being able to trust yourself that you’ll do what you say you’ll do!
That’s it for today! Phew it was a handful, wasn’t it? We’re almost done but before I go, it's time for the "fuckit, let's do it!" experiment of the week. You can hear me coming? This week I want you to think very carefully about the promises you make to yourself, which also means that you should think about what you put on your calendar (after all, those are also promises). And keep them all, without exception!
So be very thoughtful when you decide something! I’d prefer that you only have a few promises and that you keep them, rather than a bag full and that you didn’t keep all of them. If you want to start exercising, be aware of what is really achievable for you. I'd prefer you to run or walk once this week, than to promise yourself to do it every day and break a promise 5 times out of 7! Or even just 1 time out of 7! No broken promises!
This doesn’t mean you can’t do more. Just promise yourself what is doable, and if you do more, that’s just a bonus! After all, we want to teach your nervous system and brain that you are someone who can be trusted. And that starts even before a promise is made: with being aware of what you promise yourself. So put less rather than more on your schedule, and do what you say you're going to do.
Before I go, and only if you feel up to it, here’s a little act of daily rebellion to take with you into the week as well. Whenever you hear a bit of up tempo music, do a little dance. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, let yourself go for a minute and drop into your body. Let the shame and the fear go, and just move and shake that booty!
If you feel like sharing your experiment or dance moves with me or if you're not sure what a good experiment might be for you, don't hesitate to send me a message or connect with me on Instagram @muriellemarie. Thanks for listening, have fun and talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you’re not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
