#14 How to overcome perfectionism and stop sabotaging yourself
Podcast transcript:
Monday morning! A brand new week is starting, and what better way to get going than with a new podcast episode? Today I want to talk about overcoming perfectionism and how to stop sabotaging yourself.
I have a writing class on Saturday morning. We're currently talking about characters, dialogues, and settings of fiction stories. At the beginning of last week's class, we had a group conversation about how hard it can be to put stories down on paper. There are many reasons for this: fear of criticism, fear of not being good enough, of not being capable of actually doing it (a fear I'm super familiar with), or fear of failure. We all agreed that perfectionism plays a big part in writer's block. It can be paralyzing and keep us from creating our work.
Perfectionism is often hard to spot. A lot is going on beneath the surface of hesitation and procrastination. It's a symptom of a bigger problem, usually due to low self-esteem or lack of trust in our abilities. It's been connected to a fixed mindset, the idea that your skills are set and you can't change them, and even to trauma and childhood wounds. Whatever the root cause, perfectionism is a protection mechanism created by our brains in response to our experiences as children (or even later in life) and the beliefs we have accumulated as a result.
I'm a recovering perfectionist. You should have seen me ten years ago. Unable to deliver any report or client work without finetuning it for weeks, often after procrastinating on getting started for at least that long. Today, I still get triggered into perfectionistic behavior, especially when I feel the stakes are high. In my work, I see a lot of perfectionists. I know exactly how hard it can be to break free from the grip of wanting everything and everyone in our lives to be absolutely perfect.
When I started blogging about nine years ago, I wouldn't say I liked it. It was absolute and total agony for me to try and get anything down on paper. Until I had a session with Kate, my coach at the time, who graduated from the Beautiful You Coaching Academy, where I got my first coaching certification; in that session, we talked about online marketing and how blogging was essential to build a following and to put yourself "out there."
I hesitated, I felt a lot of shame around feeling so much resistance towards writing because I'd always wanted to be a writer, but then I blurted out my agony and pain to Kate. With a dash of drama, I told her that the perfect piece of writing I wanted to create wasn't coming out on paper. That - if what came out wasn't perfect on the first try - it must mean that I couldn't write. I know how it sounds, but at the time, I believed it. I mean, REALLY.
What's great about good coaches is that they ask you the simplest of questions that turn out to be game-changers.
In that particular session, Kate asked me "What if you allowed yourself to make mistakes when writing blog posts? What would happen?" I hadn't even thought of that as an option before. What if I just let go of trying to get it all right and allowed myself to play, explore, have fun, and make mistakes?
She said: "it's ok for you to be human; it's ok for your writing to be imperfect. It doesn't have to be perfect; it just has to be done." It was like a lightbulb switched on in my head. It was so liberating; it felt like I could finally breathe after holding my breath for so long, waiting to get it "right".
The truth is so hard for perfectionists to accept, but that is the first step to getting work done: perfection doesn't exist. We all pay lip service to it, but it's such a harsh truth for many people, especially those who strive for that unattainable ideal.
The only place perfection exists is in our minds. We've known this as far back as the ancient greek philosophers. Plato's "Theory of Forms" states that perfection only lives in the realm of thought. There only exists one of every ideal (or perfect thing - that's me loosely translating, hahaha), and the rest is just a copy. This perfect thing is called a form, the most flawless representation of an idea. We can imagine something as perfect like Plato did with his "world of forms", but we cannot create anything perfect.
The only way to break free from perfectionism is by allowing yourself to make mistakes. As we discussed in writing class, a mistake doesn't exist in writing (or in many other things and creative pursuits); we're just trying out things that don't work. We must do that to learn what does work and how we can become better at our craft. Often, what we consider mistakes leads us to discover something new, amazing, and incredible that we never expected. That's why it's essential to give yourself permission to make mistakes, explore, try different approaches, and enjoy the process.
It's like what Thomas Edison said, the inventor of the light bulb, In response to a question about his failures. He famously said: "I have not failed 10,000 times—I've successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work."
If you find yourself stuck in perfectionism or paralysis by analysis, remember that it's ok to make mistakes and that you don't have to be perfect. What matters is that you keep moving forward and learn from every experience, failure, or success. That is how we all become better at whatever we do.
Another thing that's interesting to think about when it comes to perfectionism is why we're so afraid to fail in the first place. Unless failing might cause you or others physical or emotional harm, there's no reason to be afraid of it. Still, so many of us are? Why? What are the fears that hold us back?
Psychologists believe this is rooted in the idea of being socially accepted. We all have an innate need to be validated and accepted by others, so when we fail or make mistakes, we're afraid that nobody will accept us or like us anymore. It's a fear-based belief that can be hard to shake off, especially if love and affection were given to us in response to "perfect" behavior when we were children.
One of my writing classmates, a teacher, said something interesting about how often the most intelligent and gifted children are the ones who will say "no" to doing something new that they might fail at. The reason, she said, is that they've been praised and rewarded for getting things "right" so much in the past.
Understanding why we feel afraid of failure can be a powerful tool to help us become more comfortable with not being perfect. Something that can help is to ask ourselves what is driving us to write (or anything we're trying to create). Are we doing it for external validation or the internal joy and flow it brings us?
The only way to do something sustainably, enjoy it and keep it up for a long time is to do it for yourself. Remembering why we're doing something and why it brings us joy can help put perfectionism into perspective. I heard Gabor Maté, a bestselling author and one of my favorite trauma experts, talk about this in a recent interview he did for his new book "The Myth of Normal." He was talking about a moment when he was experiencing difficulties working on the book. He realized that the paralysis came from identifying with the success or failure of the book.
It's around the 25-minute mark in the interview. He says: "Here I am, this guy writing about trauma and healing, and all of a sudden, I'm in a panic because I'm writing a book, and I realized that the problem was that I identified with this book. The problem wasn't the book; let's say I write the book, and it's not a success; I mean, how big of a deal is that in the bigger scheme of the universe? But if I identify with the book and it's not going well, and if the book fails then I'm failing as a person. Which then goes back to my very early concern about not being worth it. So, once I disidentified with the book and said, "no, this is just a book," and how it does says nothing about me or my worth. Once I can decouple that, then I can confidently and much more comfortably go back to the writing of it. But I went through that crisis."
When we focus too much on what others will think of us and our work, when we identify with the things we make, we forget why we're creating in the first place. We lose sight of the journey, which is where all the joy is. It's easy to forget, but perfectionism doesn't bring us pleasure and doesn't lead to great work. The creative process does that.
The point is: You are not your work. And this has a few meanings for me.
You are not the "thing" you produce: the book, the report, the course, the Instagram reel, the project you run, the podcast you make.
And, more importantly, and deeply, you are not the "result" of your work: you are not successful or unsuccessful; you are not a "success" or a "failure." Who you are is who you were before all the things that get judged are done.
And, finally, you are not your work "ethic": the amount of time you spend at work, the diligence you show, the productivity methods you use, or the "hustle" you have. You are the person that you are.
So how do you let go of perfectionism?
Because it's so entangled with our worth, a good place to start is to build our self-esteem. That's why I'm a big fan of mindset shifts, therapy, or coaching and building a strong relationship with ourselves (check out the previous episodes of my podcast for more on some of those topics).
Another thing that's been helpful for many clients and me is remembering that what is considered good right now is only temporary. Don't strive for it, as it is constantly changing. Instead, aim for a deep relationship with yourself and joy and play in everything you do.
Finally, remember that medals and accolades will never make you happy if you can't be proud of yourself. You can't be proud of yourself if you don't love yourself. So work on loving and accepting who you are, just as you are.
I want to leave you with today: learn to be your biggest cheerleader, flaws and all, and remember that perfectionism is an illusion. You are not your work or the recognition others give you; you're not your bank account, your book sales, or the number of followers you have on social media. You are much more than that.
Mentioned in this episode:
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Yay! That's it for today.
Before I go, here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment. I'd love you to be your imperfect, beautiful self this week. Pick something you've wanted to do for a long time and let go of any need to be perfect. Go ahead and make mistakes, screw up a few times, let yourself off the hook for not being perfect--and love yourself anyway.
To take it a step further, why not try this little act of daily rebellion this week: Allow yourself to be seen and heard exactly as you are. This could be by speaking up in a meeting, saying precisely what you mean even if it’s not a popular opinion, posting something on social media that might be considered "imperfect," or taking ownership of a mistake that you made. Just let yourself be seen and heard!
That's it for this episode! I hope you liked it, and if you did, please remember to subscribe and leave a review. I really appreciate it. Until next week, have a wonderful time, and remember to practice imperfect action! Bye for now!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you're not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
