Being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion

Have you ever inadvertently let go of control? Dropped the mask? Fallen out of your *roles* in life? Felt like you were being too much, even for a minute?

You know what I’m talking about. That moment when something within you surfaces, and you become an observer. You’re trying to contain yourself, but you simply can’t. *It* has to come out. You’re restless, sleepless, pacing, your inner voice screams, stutters. There’s no way to hold back the anxiety, the tears, the anger, or the joy.

Eventually, something has to give.

You let go of the reins. Loosen them (because I mean, letting go – even a little – you’re still a very put together human, aren’t you?). Show a side of you that only you know exists.

This letting go does something, relieves something, creates something new. It certainly doesn’t feel all that bad. But then, your inner critic takes over and screams at you, what the hell is wrong with you!? Shame sets in, telling you that you’re…

Too much.
Too loud.
Too foolish.
Too demanding.
Too out of control.

The voice hides the fact that you did nothing wrong. But still, you struggle and keep apologising. You try to make up for your “bad” behaviour – because for some reason it feels threatening to the well put together you.

Many have felt this way. I’ve certainly been there many times. Maybe you have too…

As creative, multi-passionate, high-achieving women it’s hard to live up to society’s expectations. We’re taught to play the part early on in our lives. We’re expected to be nice, anything but loud. Although many of us become *really* good at it, it’s a struggle to remain composed all the time, and to feel constrained by the pressure to be what we’re not.

This keeps us from letting go, and stepping into the fullness of who we are.

Light and dark.
Soft and hard.
Strong and fragile.
Courageous and afraid.
Put together and a mess.
Happy and sad.

The conditioning is strong, which makes it hard to shed.

You can’t just dance on the bar counter, or let the mask fall completely, now can you? Sometimes you ignore the nagging voice in your head and indulge in small ways. You eat that piece of chocolate cake, even if she tells you that you shouldn’t; or you buy something for yourself, even if she tells you not to. Perhaps you spend time doing nothing at all for once – yet, even that feels like you’re breaking a rule, and doing something wrong.

The guilt is always there.

Just last week, I had a conversation about this with a client who went through such a moment. This always-so-composed human let go for a few hours at a party recently. All of a sudden so much emotion and frustration came out. She made a *scene*. Afterwards she felt shattered, as if she’d done something horribly wrong, when in fact she’s an incredible person. Why did she feel uncomfortable and weighed down by revealing such a pure and raw part of herself? Of her truth?

This heart-to-heart was an honest assessment of the work needed for expansion, beyond the mask, and into liberation, freedom, and courage. What my client did that night is one of the hardest things she (or anyone else trying hard to hold everything together) could do.

The truth is, this was a way to take back control, not surrender to it.

This was an act of rebellion.

Liberation requires transformation. It can be rough to the edges, because we need to reclaim the lost parts of ourselves in the process, our wildly creative and expressive spirit. That of a full embodied human.

Breaking free is hard. But it’s also growth and beauty.

I believe there’s way too many false have-tos in our lives. They keep us so small, exhausted, stressed-out. Far away from our power and potential.

The challenge is to pay attention to our inner fire, not muffle it away as being wrong. Only so can we find our way back to the things that really matter. Only so will we ever be free.

So here’s to being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion.