Being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion

Have you ever inadvertently let go of control? Dropped the mask? Fallen out of your *roles* in life? Felt like you were being too much, even for a minute?

You know what I’m talking about. That moment when something within you surfaces, and you become an observer. You’re trying to contain yourself, but you simply can’t. *It* has to come out. You’re restless, sleepless, pacing, your inner voice screams, stutters. There’s no way to hold back the anxiety, the tears, the anger, or the joy.

Eventually, something has to give.

You let go of the reins. Loosen them (because I mean, letting go – even a little – you’re still a very put together human, aren’t you?). Show a side of you that only you know exists.

This letting go does something, relieves something, creates something new. It certainly doesn’t feel all that bad. But then, your inner critic takes over and screams at you, what the hell is wrong with you!? Shame sets in, telling you that you’re…

Too much.
Too loud.
Too foolish.
Too demanding.
Too out of control.

The voice hides the fact that you did nothing wrong. But still, you struggle and keep apologising. You try to make up for your “bad” behaviour – because for some reason it feels threatening to the well put together you.

Many have felt this way. I’ve certainly been there many times. Maybe you have too…

As creative, multi-passionate, high-achieving women it’s hard to live up to society’s expectations. We’re taught to play the part early on in our lives. We’re expected to be nice, anything but loud. Although many of us become *really* good at it, it’s a struggle to remain composed all the time, and to feel constrained by the pressure to be what we’re not.

This keeps us from letting go, and stepping into the fullness of who we are.

Light and dark.
Soft and hard.
Strong and fragile.
Courageous and afraid.
Put together and a mess.
Happy and sad.

The conditioning is strong, which makes it hard to shed.

You can’t just dance on the bar counter, or let the mask fall completely, now can you? Sometimes you ignore the nagging voice in your head and indulge in small ways. You eat that piece of chocolate cake, even if she tells you that you shouldn’t; or you buy something for yourself, even if she tells you not to. Perhaps you spend time doing nothing at all for once – yet, even that feels like you’re breaking a rule, and doing something wrong.

The guilt is always there.

Just last week, I had a conversation about this with a client who went through such a moment. This always-so-composed human let go for a few hours at a party recently. All of a sudden so much emotion and frustration came out. She made a *scene*. Afterwards she felt shattered, as if she’d done something horribly wrong, when in fact she’s an incredible person. Why did she feel uncomfortable and weighed down by revealing such a pure and raw part of herself? Of her truth?

This heart-to-heart was an honest assessment of the work needed for expansion, beyond the mask, and into liberation, freedom, and courage. What my client did that night is one of the hardest things she (or anyone else trying hard to hold everything together) could do.

The truth is, this was a way to take back control, not surrender to it.

This was an act of rebellion.

Liberation requires transformation. It can be rough to the edges, because we need to reclaim the lost parts of ourselves in the process, our wildly creative and expressive spirit. That of a full embodied human.

Breaking free is hard. But it’s also growth and beauty.

I believe there’s way too many false have-tos in our lives. They keep us so small, exhausted, stressed-out. Far away from our power and potential.

The challenge is to pay attention to our inner fire, not muffle it away as being wrong. Only so can we find our way back to the things that really matter. Only so will we ever be free.

So here’s to being too much, eating cake, and little acts of everyday rebellion.

How to define success for yourself

We spend a big part of our lives doing as we’re told. We’re learning from teachers, peers, books and the world. This is called social conditioning. We can’t help it. We get rewarded and punished as children. Ultimately we want to feel safe, loved and like we belong. That follows us into adulthood. This is important to know as we look to define success on your own terms – what it means to us often takes shape from what we’re taught.

Go to school, find a partner, get a career (and not just any career). Then comes marriage, the house with picket fences, a dog, 2.4 children. Today, many of these milestones (especially the material ones) are out the window for a lot of people (who can afford a mortgage on a million-dollar home in the city!?).

Likewise, success changed over time. If we only focus on success as a monetary measure – or define our worth based on our professional achievements – we risk never finding satisfaction in what we do, or who we are.

Today, no one stays at one job for their lifetime. Houses in major cities are expensive, and there’s a palpable spiritual restlessness, a nagging voice that keeps on asking: “are you truly happy with the ‘success’ you have right now?”

For many, the answer is “no”. I know it was for me.

Until I was forced to awaken to the truth of my professional life: I was living someone else’s dream. I was making money but I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more out there for me.

What followed was a 10-year Odysseus-like trip back home – a journey, both physical and internal, that turned my social conditioning upside down. The journey required reflection, struggle, and for me to create my own version of success based on my own desires, rather than grasping for other people’s definitions.

Some things you have to figure out.

I want you to take a transformative journey through what success means to you. To define success on your own terms you must look at…

#1 Your Why

Why is success important to you and what will that look like? What will happen if you keep the same definition of success you’ve been taught, will it lead you down a happy road?

#2 Your Values

What beliefs are non-negotiable on your journey to success? Freedom from guilt? Freedom from your parents? Joy? Determination? More work hours? Do you sacrifice time with family? Your health? What do you value?

#3 Your Talents

Reflect on your talents and where you felt most successful. Was it problem-solving something no one else could? Was it getting creative? Are you a great speaker or researcher?

#4 What Brings You Joy

What truly made you happy and joyful the last time you felt successful?

The way you love to spend your time means knowing that time is the new currency you cannot buy. The past is gone and you only have now (you can’t control the future, it hasn’t even happened yet!). How are you spending your time?

Who you like to surround yourself with – we often hear about toxic behaviours, problematic friends but setting boundaries so you feel you can participate in healthy and reciprocal relationships means assessing who you surround yourself with, and clearing space if necessary.

What brings you rest, feeds your soul – when are you in the flow? When does happiness come easy to you? Who’s with you in those moments, and what are you doing?

Those are all clues into what success means to you, and how you can create it for yourself. Success is not a singular thing or material object. In fact, there’s not enough money in the world to buy your way into it.

True success is a way of life.

Michelle Obama said, “Success isn’t how much money you make but how much of a difference you make in people’s lives.” The first person this applies to is yourself.

How much difference are you making in YOUR life?

Then, there’s a bigger dimension.

We forget how important it is to place the individual within a community. Self-development and concepts like success can get individualistic. But you can apply your talents and skills towards a higher purpose. Be sure to open your eyes from the social conditioning of society, parents, and capitalism that tells you what you should do.

Question everything by being discerning and compassionate.

From all of this, you can truly start to design your own life. Like Ulysses in Homer’s epic story, venturing into a new land, without a home or identity and struggling to both establish one and avoid one at the same time.

Your identity and relationship with “success” can evolve on this journey.

You can have a past, but it doesn’t have to define your future.

How to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself

Setting personal boundaries is unfortunately something a lot of women struggle with. I know I do. As women, we grow up with the idea that in order to be valuable we have to be *of* value and service to others. This belief has become so ingrained in us, that setting boundaries and learning to put ourselves first not only seems like a scary task, but one that comes laden with guilt.

It’s not that it’s bad to give of ourselves to our families, friends, communities and work. It’s that if we over-extend ourselves to others, we put ourselves on the back burner of our own lives.

We end up being lived, instead of being fully alive.

That’s why we need healthy boundaries. They set the standard on how we want to be treated, and help us regain control over our existence.

Why We Fail to Set Boundaries

Societies all over the world teach girls that we must be good, quiet, polite and obedient. Women grow up (I’m one of them) learning that showing *too much* emotion will be frowned upon. We learn to be understanding, say “Yes” even (especially) when we want to say “No”.

When we say yes to everyone’s dream instead of our own, we experience a slow death of the soul. My bet is, if you can relate to any of these good girl symptoms you probably can relate to this soul-death as well.

As women, we have learnt how to settle in and with our lives for far too long. We have been trained to give our power away. Expected to let others make decisions for, and about us.

No wonder so many of us never learned how to set healthy boundaries.

Guilt

What happens when we do decide to put ourselves first? Guilt sets in. We get worried and anxious about what everyone will think of us:

• Will they be upset?

• Will they like me less

• Will they still love me?

Standing up for yourself is hard work. It’s uncomfortable. It requires discipline, perseverance and devotion. It took me YEARS to be able to speak my truth, express what I needed, and stand up for myself. Even today, when I enforce a personal boundary, I immediately feel the pull to make things right. Guilt, shame, fear never fail to show up. As if I’d done something terrible wrong.

Does this sound familiar?

If it does, I want you to know that none of this is real. It’s all programming.

To liberate ourselves from guilt we need to understand that the only validation we truly need is our own. When we constantly look outside of ourselves for it, our boundaries are ALWAYS at risk. In fact, some of us put off making big life decisions and wait until they’re made for us, simply because we think we’re not allowed to.

That’s been me a few too many times in my life: selling a house a loved because my partner didn’t like it, chasing material success to gain my parents’ approval, accepting bullying and gossip from in-laws because I was expected to become part of the family, …

This sensitivity to the opinions of others and the need to do the right thing – and be the right woman – comes from the many centuries women lived under the rule and control of good old patriarchy. Again, it’s all learned beliefs and behavior.

In order to stop feeling guilty about choosing myself I had to reprogram my mind with new beliefs, and leave consensus reality behind for the real world: the one in which there’s nothing wrong with me to begin with (whatever the media and society are telling me), the one where I’m the leader of my own life.

If you want to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself you have to reset your beliefs about yourself and the world too.

You have to free yourself.

Patriarchy: What it is?

Patriarchy refers to the social construct in which it’s the accepted norm that men have more authority, power and privilege than women. This bias towards men permeate all levels of society – from conventional religious and political roles to family structures, where men are viewed as the head: the decision maker and the one who has the final say.

Patriarchal societies (the oppressive power of which is still present in the world today) are often patrilineal: properties, titles and other forms of wealth are passed down male lines only. An example of this is the Salic Law, excluding women from royal succession. Such laws – although ancient – are still very much alive. Belgium, for instance, home to yours truly and – incidentally – a monarchy, only allowed women to inherit the royal title in 1991. Not a time before time, but right when R.E.M. were losing their religion.

Another example of patriarchy are the earliest memories I have of my mother and money. She took care of it, made ends meet, but wasn’t allowed to open a bank account without my father’s consent.

The same is true for being allowed to work, own property, get a divorce without losing everything – including your children, and the right to vote (to name just a few things). American women weren’t allowed to vote until 1920 and British women were allowed to vote in 1918, given they were over 30.

But it doesn’t stop there. Bias, stereotypes, and discrimination towards women can be found throughout history. In fact, it’s been built into it. Women have had to fight every step of the way to achieve the same basic rights as men. For many, this is still an ongoing struggle today.

How could anyone NOT feel guilty for choosing themselves in such a context.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty

Letting go of over-giving and the fear that comes from standing up for yourself takes time, commitment and effort. It requires a complete paradigm shift to reprogram your thoughts, change your beliefs and eventually reclaim your life. Saying “No”, taking up the space you deserve, and protecting your time are all part of the process. They’re all steps towards putting yourself first.

This paradigm shift will get you to see that your needs are just as important – you are just as important – as everyone else.

Choosing yourself is a life-long practice, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get at it. As you become aware of your default thoughts and actions when you’re called to put yourself first, change will happen. Eventually your practice will be rewarded. Choosing yourself will become natural.

You’ll be (guilt) free.

What has your experience with setting boundaries and choosing yourself been like? Let me know in the comments below.