How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You

My entire life I’ve been intrigued by how differently people perceive the same things, and by how biased we are in our assumptions of what other people think.

As a perfectionist, and people-pleaser I spent a big part of my childhood and adult life worrying about what other people thought of me. On a daily basis I would replay conversations in my head, wondering if I had said or done the right thing. When I was in high school, and later at University, whenever a group of students would stand together talking, if even just one glanced my way, I would immediately assume it was me they were talking about — and probably not in a good way.

Then later on in life, my excessive worry caused me sleepless nights over little conflicts, and friendly disagreements. Any action coming from me that I deemed imperfect would trigger a worry spiral I could hardly get out of.

This constant stress and anxiety was exhausting, and depressing.

This was a long time ago. In the past decade I’ve grown and left most of my worry days behind me and with it the mind-boggling dichotomy that existed between what I was worrying about, and what people were actually thinking.

Of course the road to the (almost) worry-free life I’m living now was a bumpy one. The change didn’t happen overnight. But what I want to share with you today, and what I hope you’ll get out of this article, is that there is a way out of your anxieties and into a more peaceful life. I know, because I’ve been there.

Along that bumpy road I learned a thing or two that I’d love to share with you. So here’s 5 tips to help you stop worrying about what other people think of you: 

#1 Don’t assume you know what someone else is thinking

The group of talking students example above is a beautiful illustration of how our thinking works — and how wrong we are! We almost always assume we know how other people think and feel, based on our own feelings and thoughts. When we’re cold, we automatically assume everyone around us has icicles for feet. When we’re hungry we often think everyone’s ready to eat. When we’re sad the Sun doesn’t even shine as bright as usual. You get the picture.

The first thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to realise that you’re most probably wrong about your assumptions of what they’re thinking.

#2 When you think you know go for the best option, not the worst

Although the previous point is a valid one, it’s also hard to do. We’re all — always — alone with our thoughts, and emotions. Just like everyone else is alone with theirs. Assuming we know what someone else is thinking is the normal thing to do. But every time we do we also have the choice to pick the kind of assumptions we make. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist I always assumed the worse because that’s what I was focusing on. But since what we think is probably wrong anyway, we might as well assume the best, don’t we?

The second thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to reformulate your negative assumptions into positive ones. Instead of worrying about how silly you looked, or how stupid what you said was focus on how wonderful everyone thinks you are. They were probably not thinking about you anyway. Oh but wait, that’s the next point…

#3 People lead busy lives

I lead a busy life, and I bet you do to. In fact, everyone’s life is busy to the brink. It’s the disease of our times. When you look at the statistics, they’re staggering. On average a worker now produces in 11 hours what a worker in the 1950’s produced in 40 hours. I know, right? Although this is alarming — and the subject of a future article, the good news is that busy people don’t have a lot of time to think about other people.

The third thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to remember how busy people are, leaving very little room in their schedules to think about you.

#4 In doubt, ask

Sometimes worry controls you. You’re trying to follow tips one, two, and three but nothing’s working. Whatever you do, you keep on tossing and turning that conversation in your head. If you’re anything like me, you might even have winning arguments with them in your head, you know the ones in which you’re telling them how it is.

The fourth thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to ask them about it. Although this might feel daunting to you now, I promise it will release at least parts (and often all) of the fears, the worries, and the anxiety that you’re currently experiencing.

#5 Trust, love and appreciate yourself more

In the end, living an anxiety-free life is an inside job. I’ve found no better remedy to worry than to learn to trust, love, and appreciate myself more. The more you do that, the more self-confidence you’ll have, and the less you’ll worry about what other people think of you.

In the end all that matters is what you think of yourself.

Do you feel like you're always worrying about what other people think of you?

I know how it feels to be constantly stressed and anxious. You might not even realize that this is happening because it's become your normal state of being. But the truth is, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives. We don't need to live with constant worry or anxiety!

My private coaching series will help you break free from these worries so that they no longer affect your life. It'll give you a sense of relief knowing that there are things in life more important than what others think of us - like living a happy, fulfilling life and doing work you love! Or perhaps even building that business on the side!

Schedule your free session!

How to set healthy boundaries and stop being a pushover

If you’ve stopped by my blog before you might know I’m a highly sensitive recovering people-pleaser, topped as a recovering perfectionist. Yes, I know! A cocktail of traits that is now one of my biggest strengths though, even if it wasn’t always like that. In fact as a child, and quite a bit into my adult life too, these traits were a real pain, and turned me into a gigantic pushover.

Defining personal boundaries

Before taking you down pushover lane, I want to frame a few things. First, let’s look at what being a pushover really means. According to the online Cambridge dictionary it’s someone who is easily persuaded, influenced or defeated. Now let’s define boundaries. According to the same source a boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something. A personal boundary then becomes a guidelines, rule or limit that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. That’s according to Wikipedia.

What life looks like without personal boundaries

My personal history is full of pushover stories. In fact, before I realized how problematic my personal boundaries where – or that one could actually define them, it was the only way I knew how to be. It’s not that I didn’t have a meaning about things, or that I didn’t have desires, but something always made me go for someone else’s wish, I was always persuaded that someone else’s idea was better than mine, and practically everyone I encountered had influence on me.

When I talk about this pushover past with people today, most of them are surprised. If you’ve ever spent time with me, worked on a project with me, or been at one of my workshops, you might be surprised too.

I’m not really the pushover type… In fact, I’m sort of strong-willed, I definitely know what I want, and I pretty good at taking action towards it.

Why was I so easily influenced? What did I do to change? Those are the questions I want to answer with this post. Because working my way to healthy boundaries changed my life entirely.

Before… I would want to go see a romantic comedy with a friend, and end up in the cinema watching the latest Van Diesel shoot-em-up.
Before… I would plan a relaxing spa weekend with the boyfriend, and end up at adventure camp for 3 days.
Before… I would long for a delicious vegetarian meal, and end up at Buffalo Grill.

… yes, I know… that’s what life looks like without personal boundaries.

From the examples above you can clearly see that the problem wasn’t in the wished or desires. Deep down I’ve always known what I wanted – as I believe most pushovers do, and also sort of articulated it. The problem was with the boundaries. They were too weak to withstand other people. As soon as someone had a different idea they would bend or break.

I mentioned a few of the typical scenarios that were my life above, but there were others – far less pleasant ones. A lack of personal boundaries can get you into the most annoying, and frustrating situations (if not worse!). Believe me, I’ve been there:

• Doing things I didn’t really want to do just because someone asked me to.

• Spending time with someone I didn’t want to be with just because that person showed up at my doorstep.

• Pretending I agreed with others just because they had a different point of view.

• Doing someone else’s homework just because they’d asked me to.

• Letting someone kiss me that I didn’t really like just because that person wanted to.

• Not being able to leave the office late at night, when I was exhausted, just because someone asked me to stay.

• Not eating healthy just because everyone was else decided to order pizza.

• Not doing what I really wanted to do just because someone wanted to do something else instead.

How to set healthy boundaries for yourself

I’d love to tell you that all at once, one beautiful morning I woke up with healthy personal boundaries. But it didn’t go that way. In my case – and in the case of many of my clients – the first step is awareness (isn’t it always?). In order to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you have to start by recognizing there’s a problem. And the way you do that is by asking yourself the right questions:

• Did I really want to do this?

• Am I really happy with my friends asking me to do that?

• What would I have done if I was the one in charge? (this is a big one, believe me!)

Then, when there’s awareness, you have to figure out what you really want (so this would be step two). A great question to ask yourself to get clear on your own desires is this one:

• If I could have it all my way, what would I really want?

When you’re aware, and you know what you want, it’s time to decide where you’ll draw the line. This is the step where you set your boundaries. Imagine you’re sick and tired of always ending up watching the wrong movie in the theatre. You could set a boundary that states that whatever happens you’ll stick to your choice of movie. Because why else would you go there in the first place?

Do this with every area of your life, based on your answers to the questions above, and you’ll have a set of very healthy, and beneficial boundaries to call your own. Before ending, there’s one last – pretty important – thing I want to address.

How to enforce your boundaries

It’s all good, and well to set boundaries, know what you want, and be aware of what you need. But there’s a whole world out there of people, of which the closest ones to you won’t be used to you being so clear, and firm about what you want.

At first specifically, your boundaries will be fragile, and the opinions of others (how well intended they may be) will make you doubt yourself, and falter. To help me enforce my boundaries, I’ve come to rely on three things:

• My values: I’ve become really clear about what I stand for, and believe in. As a result, I’m able to safeguard my boundaries much better than if I wasn’t quite sure what I believed in, or stood for. When someone tries to convince me to go for Buffalo Grill now instead of delicious vegetarian food. Well… no!

• Self-love: Nothing helps you safeguard your boundaries better than self-love. The biggest issue with being a pushover is often that you’ve become accustomed to coming last. What you want, need, or desire isn’t as important as what someone else is asking for. By focusing on self-love you’re essentially focusing on yourself, and making you your number one priority.

• Trusting myself: I saved the best for last. If you want healthy boundaries I believe you need to learn to trust yourself. At least that’s how it went for me. Whatever choice you’re faced with, there’s always the voice within, and the voice outside. Pushovers trust the voice outside, people with healthy boundaries trust the voice within. You know why? Because it always knows best.

Now tell me, how do you maintain healthy personal boundaries? Let me know in the comments below, I’d really love to know.

How to learn from criticism without letting it take you down

I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For years, I’ve dreaded criticism more than anything else. Because every time someone criticized me, it was a reminder that I was not perfect – something that was really hard for me to bare – and a painful reminder that I wasn’t pleasing someone else.

The funny thing is, for all those years, I actually thought I could handle criticism pretty well. I prided myself on it. When someone would criticize me, I’d think I was handling it in the best way possible, listening and engaging in a conversation about it, and giving space to the opinion of those who criticized me, pretending it was for my own good. But I was wrong.

Constructive criticism was having the opposite effect on me. It wasn’t making me become a better person at all, it was just hurting me to listen to what someone had to say about me.

For many years, constructive criticism was something I really couldn’t handle, and it was totally wasted on me or, worse, it would take me down and I would need time to recover.

And that’s how it is with many people-pleasers. The need to please is so strong that anything that gets in the way of that – like criticism, even the good kind – will be devastating.

So how do you benefit from constructive criticism without letting it take you down?

#1: What people say about you – even if it’s useful to you – does not define you.

You are much more, immensely more, than the comments that someone makes about you. So don’t give those words more meaning than they have, or more power. It’s good to have an open mind and listen to other people’s opinions, even if it’s about you, and even if it’s not all that positive, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or not a nice person, or not worthy of love. People criticizing you has nothing to do with any of that, and should never define you. You define you; nobody else does.

#2: You are not here to please others, you’re here to love yourself first.

It’s good to listen to constructive criticism, because depending on what it’s about, it can really help you: to be a better version of yourself, to have more meaningful relationships, or to improve on pretty much any area of your life and business or career. But, you’re not here to please others. That’s not your purpose on this planet. So it’s not because someone criticizes you that your world should end, or that you even have an obligation to listen. I believe that you’re here to love yourself first and foremost, and that means that you only need to listen if you feel it will help you, and that that in turn will make you a happier person.

#3: Keep your ego out of it.

My ego has been one of the biggest struggles for me to overcome in order to move past people-pleasing (and many other things, believe me). That little voice, the everlasting critic that really makes your life difficult and unpleasant, does not come from the outside, but from within. And when someone gives you constructive comments about yourself, that little thing is going to kick and scream. The best way to really profit from what is being told to you is to let your ego out of it. It’s a hard thing to do, I know; it is a constant struggle for me. But it really is the best way, and it really will make you happier and more fulfilled in the end.

#4: Don’t confuse plain old cheap critique with constructive criticism.

Never forget that constructive criticism is meant to create, not to destroy. As a people-pleaser, it’s difficult to understand the difference, and to know what to listen to and what not to. My rule of thumb is to always try and see things from the other person’s perspective. I ask myself: What would I think if I was in her shoes? And that helps me to listen with an open mind and see the experience as a way for me to grow.

In the end, it’s up to you what you do with constructive criticism. You can choose not to listen to it. But, ever since I’ve started listening better, I’ve been able to “handle it” better, and I’ve profited from it. It’s helped me to get to know myself better, and to explore parts of me that were more challenging to get in touch with. And overall, it made me happier.

How about you? How are you dealing with constructive criticism?

How to cope with criticism, even as a highly sensitive people-pleaser

A dear friend of mine recently received a very nasty email from one of her clients. In the email, the client blamed her for being the reason why everything in that client’s business was failing. An absurd accusation, considering my friend had done just the opposite by trying to warn her client about her lack of commitment towards her own business. And yet, my friend took it very personally. To her, it almost felt like the world was ending. That email made her feel like a bad person. In a very open and deep conversation we had about it, we explored why people-pleasers are so sensitive to criticism.

My friend is an amazing woman. She has two children, helps her husband out with his business, takes care of her household, works with clients, and helps entrepreneurs to be successful online. And she does all that without ever complaining. She’s always positive. Truly, she’s an admirable person, and I really love her. So why could one criticizing email, itself the result of my friend trying to help her client, make her feel so bad? How can someone who achieves and does so much, who is so inspiring and good, be so devastated by the opinion of one single individual? Well, simply… she’s a people-pleaser. Just like me.

As people-pleasers, when someone criticizes us, sends us bad vibes, is angry at us, or gives us any sort of negative attention, we feel horrible. We take things personally. Always. And after we’ve overcome the shock of the attack, we only have one idea in mind: how can we make things right? How can we get this person to like us again, bring the scales back into balance, and make the nastiness go away? Because, for people-pleasers, any form of negativity is scary. We think it means we won’t be loved... that we are not worthy, not good enough.

That fear is what makes us want to please everyone to begin with. And it’s a very difficult and tiring way to spend our days, pleasing everyone being an impossible task to undertake. We can never please everyone: it’s simply impossible. The energy we put into trying to please others, and the worry that comes from receiving nastiness (like the email my friend got), is what keeps us from living happy and fulfilled lives.

Being so highly sensitive to criticism is difficult, and gives us a lot of pain. It also makes us really bad at listening to positive feedback. Believe me, I know (and so does my husband, the poor fellow). But along my journey to self-love, I learned a few strategies that really help ease the sting of nastiness, put things into perspective, and allow me to move past any type of criticism and into positive action.

1. Never take anything personally.

I owe this one to Don Miguel Ruiz from “The Four Agreements”. This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given, and a mantra for a people-pleaser like me. People-pleasers always take things personally. That is the birthing ground of all the pain and suffering that ensues. So, being able to detach yourself from the situation and to look at things from a different perspective can be really liberating. It won’t always work, and it won’t make the sting go away completely, but it will ease your heart and calm you down.

2. Whatever someone says about you doesn’t define who you are.

By the age of 25, we have all lived close to ten thousand hours. Now, imagine how many experiences that amounts to. Or how many words were spoken during that time. Whatever your path, these are likely to be big numbers. Remember these numbers when the words of one single individual make you question yourself. You’ll know in your heart that what you’re feeling just isn’t real.

3. Never worry alone.

I’ve gotten this little gem from Dr. Hallowell. And for me, it’s a magic worker. One of the biggest issues that I have as a people-pleaser is the ‘worry chatter’ inside my head. When I encounter a negative experience, the chatter begins. And as time goes by, the louder it gets. The only way to silence it is to talk about it with someone else – a real person, that is, not the little mean girl in my head! So now, when something bothers me, I’ve made it a habit to stop whatever I’m doing and pick up the phone to call a friend. This simple act of expressing how I feel and telling my story shuts that little mean thing right up. Every time.

4. Cover yourself with a blanket of self-love.

I owe a lot to Julie Parker, life coach extraordinaire and founder of the Beautiful You Life Coaching Academy. More than she will ever know. But if I had to single out one thing, I would say that she’s the person who gave me permission to love myself. It transformed me and made me into the woman I am today. Now it’s my turn to pass those wise words down to you. Whenever you feel hurt, sad, all alone, attacked, misunderstood, or any other negative emotion, cover yourself with a blanket of self-love. Just be good to you, nurture yourself, and be compassionate for the vulnerable and real person who you are.

5. Be open to different perspectives. There is always a lesson.

As a final note, it’s important to stress that not all criticism is bad or meant to hurt. On the contrary, most of the time, criticism is nothing more than good-intentioned, pragmatic feedback, meant to help you move forward. And that’s often difficult to grasp for people-pleasers. I invite you to try and be open to the perspectives of those who offer their opinions, and see if there’s a lesson in there that you could learn. More often than not, there will be, and it will be something valuable that, if taken to heart, could make a big difference in your life.

But if it’s really just plain old cheap and easy criticism for the sake of being nasty.... Well, there’s a lesson there, as well. That person is not your people, and it is simply time for you to move on.

5 effective ways to overcome your need for approval

For a very long time in my life, and for as far back as I can remember, I was always looking for people’s approval. After years of introspection and learning how to love myself, though, and overcome the hardship I had been through growing up, I was able to let go of that constant need for someone else to approve of my life.

If you’re anything like I was, you are longing for a different life, one in which you are sure of yourself, and where your intuition tells you where to go and how to get there, as well as one where other people’s opinions of you don’t matter that much – or even at all.

I’m proof that such a life is possible, and I know that you too can have it. Yes, it can be hard, and yes, it requires you to dig deep into yourself, but believe me: the rewards outweigh the effort a thousand fold.

On my personal journey to self-love, digging deep into myself, I learned a few effective ways to overcome this constant need for approval that I had lived with for so many years. And today I’m sharing what I learned with you.

1. Be attentive and notice your behavior.

The first step towards any change is taking an account of where you are now. To change your need for approval, it’s vital that you take note of when that behavior occurs and how. Try to be conscious about your actions throughout the day, and for a few days this week; take a few minutes at night to review your day and write down all that you’ve noticed about your approval-seeking behavior. Reflect and think of ways to avoid or change that behavior. And when you feel ready, start the process of change by putting some of those ideas into action.

2. Ask your friends and family for support.

When you have become more aware of your approval-seeking behavior, think of someone you are willing to confide in and ask for accountability when it comes to the changes you are trying to make in your life. Tell that person what your findings are and what you want for yourself, and ask them to help you by monitoring your behavior around them. When doing this, it’s important to also tell them how you want them to let you know what they notice – and ask them to only be positive, loving, and encouraging, but never punitive or negative, as this could in fact increase your needs for approval instead of helping you to move forward.

3. Rewire your brain.

One of the main things that helped me get out of my approval-seeking behavior was focusing on actively rewiring my brain. Through practices such as meditation, visualization, and yoga, I have realized that we are capable of changing our thought patterns and our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. This knowledge was a key element in getting me from a place of fear and unhappiness to the wholehearted and true life which I live now. Going back to step one, take a look at the list of your more prominent approval-seeking behaviors. For each of them, write down the belief that is causing the behavior. Once you have done this, rewrite the belief into a positive affirmation. Make a habit of going over your list on a daily basis – I do it every morning right before my morning meditation – and feel your brain change as a result of this habit.

Here’s an example from my own list.
Approval-seeking behavior: When someone does something or says something that hurts me, I keep it to myself.
Negative belief: If I speak up, people won't like me.
Positive affirmation: I'm a very likeable person. When people do or say something that hurts me I owe it to myself to speak up.

4. What’s the worse that could happen?

With the need for approval comes a lot of fear. Before I learned to really love myself, my life was filled with fear. I was scared of almost everything and everyone, and most of all, of myself. I was constantly on the look-out for people getting mad at me, and so I was trying to keep myself as small as possible around others in order to avoid conflict at all costs. But one day, I couldn’t do this anymore. I was sick of the mask I was wearing and I needed to let go of all pretenses and just be me. While I was on my path to self-love, there was a question that wouldn’t let go of me. Over and over, I heard myself say: What’s the worst that could happen? Finally, I decided to answer that question, and when I did, I realized that whatever might come my way, it wasn’t nearly as bad as living a life of pretenses.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

After I realized that the worst that could happen to me wasn’t all that scary after all, I set out to test this new version of the world. Whatever I had to do, and whomever I was going to interact with, I decided I was going to be as true to myself as I could be, not thinking about the consequences and just seeing what would happen. I called this my experiments. From that moment on I would tell my friends when I felt our relationship was out of balance and I wasn’t getting my share of the friendship. Or only say yes to things I really wanted to. The results where liberating! Of course, some people didn’t like the new me. But most where supportive and even grateful that I was finally being the real me. Thanks to practicing being the real me so much, I was quickly able to create a new mental library of positive experiences that made my fears and my need for approval slowly but surely fade away. And the process to get there was fun and engaging, too. The more I allowed myself to be me, the more I attracted cool people into my life. As a result, new friendships were made, existing ones were deepened, and a new sense of happiness, love, and compassion for the world emerged.

I hope I’ve been able to inspire you. If so, I would encourage you to pick something you want to work on today, and take off the mask to let the real you shine bright. You are beautiful and amazing. You don’t need to be perfect. You are just right the way you are.

And if you feel like it, let me know how you’re doing below – I would love to hear from you.

May you love yourself unconditionally, always.