How to recognize false confidence and what to do about it.

If you’re a little familiar with my blog, you probably know that I’m currently entangled in a rather large financial issue that wrongfully landed on my shoulders.

So far, I’ve been good at dealing with the fears, and anxieties that usually result from such unpleasant affairs. That is, I’ve been good at dealing with it until last week, when the first correspondence about the case made its way into my mailbox, and I was confronted with an account of events that absolutely didn’t match my reality.

I’ve worked hard these past few years to achieve inner peace, and a chatter free mind. And I thought I was on top of it, that I nailed it big time. I even wrote about it a few weeks ago.

Then Friday I get an email. And all of a sudden I’m not so sure anymore. Where I can usually stop the chatter in an instant, my inner voice now lingers on. Instead of quieting down, she becomes louder and louder. That night, I don’t sleep. I can’t keep the voice out of my head, I’m anxious, and afraid.

And I don’t understand why. Then I remember.

I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

For the biggest part of my life the only thing that I wanted was for people to like me, to tell me I did a good job. I spent most of my waking hours trying to look like the perfect picture of myself.

When I was a people-pleaser I dreaded criticism like it was a deadly disease, something I had to avoid at all costs.

Whenever someone would criticize me, it felt like I was dying inside. Being anything short of perfect was unbearable to me. Of course, it was living that way that was unbearable, not the criticism. Trying to achieve perfection in every aspect of my life was so time-consuming that it kept me from focusing on what actually mattered: what I really wanted.

The thing is, I thought that I was over that. I thought I had learned to deal with it, and that I’d become confident enough in myself that I didn’t need that external validation anymore. Until last Friday.

You’re never at the end of your journey

These past few days, I’ve been questioning myself and my so-called confidence, wondering how I could find myself in such a shitty spot again, after having worked on myself for so many years. That’s when I came across a beautiful article about the confidence of visionaries that my fellow BYCA coach, and online buddy Victoria posted on her blog a few weeks ago. In it she talks about what true confidence looks like, and how that differs from what she calls false confidence.

After reading her article it all started to make sense to me. I’m not afraid of the outcome of the issue (I’ve come to terms with that, it’ll be what it’ll be), and I’m not anxious about the process (a very masculine, and structured system with well-defined steps).

No, what bothers me about it is the fact that someone on this earth might think that I’m not perfect after all. Because if I indeed was perfect, so my inner critic tells me, then I wouldn’t be bothered with this issue to begin with, even if I have nothing to do with it, like it’s the case now. Yes I know, total craziness right there! But that’s unfortunately how people-pleasing works.

This is where the concept of false confidence comes in. In her article, Victoria has a beautiful way of putting it. She talks about false confidence as acknowledging and owning your “good” parts, but not your “unacceptable” shady parts. Those parts, as people-pleasers know, are the ones we work so hard to hide – our flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities, afraid that all hell will break loose if anyone ever found out that we’re not perfect after all.

What happened to me last Friday was the harsh reveal of my false confidence. A big slap in the face, yet also one of the most important lessons I got to learn this year (and I do learn a lot of lessons!).

Aversion to criticism leads to aversion to conflict

Being able to recognize this false confidence as the hiding place of my “cured” perfectionism, that only lasts as long as this picture perfect of myself is not being threatened, is very powerful. Add to that the aversion to conflict (in direct connection with the aversion to criticism) that most people-pleasers suffer from, and you can imagine why being wrongfully for something I have to defend myself for, but have nothing to do with, turned out to be the catalyst of this painful realization.

This is the heart of the issue. I was stripped of my false sense of confidence because I was forced to defend myself. Because I’m conflict averse, and have been avoiding conflict so much all my life, I really suck at it.

It brings so many negative feelings up in me, with all of them directed at myself. Including the healthy anger that I might have towards the people or situation putting me into this unpleasant spot.

But there’s no room for blaming others. As a people-pleaser the only one I’m blaming is me. For not being perfect. Because if I was perfect, this wouldn’t be happening to me.

True/deep/real confidence is a state in which we’re all-accepting of ourselves. A state in which we’re not trying to be anything other than we are, and know that – however flawed we may think we are – deep down we know we’re just fine. This doesn’t mean we believe that we’re perfect. We’re all human, remember? What it means is simply that it’s all OK. There’s no perfection to be attained, no rules on how to being human, no external validation to aim for.

In the end there’s only you

When I reminded myself of this, a new sense of calm came over me. The fear, the anxiety that had suddenly showed up subsided. Why? Because they can only exist, and persist in the realm of the imperfect. The realm where you think you need fixing, or aren’t good enough.

As soon as I became all accepting of the fact that I’m not – and will never be – what other people think of me, and that in fact, I am who I am and that’s just fine, my inner critic went to bed. And I was able to sleep again.

If you’re a (recovering) people-pleaser, or you’re on a journey similar to mine, I want you to know that:

• You’re doing great just by recognizing how you operate, and actively working on yourself,

• You’re doing great, even when you think you aren’t, because this is a journey filled with lessons,

• You’re doing great, because people-pleasing or not, you’re fine just the way you are…

I hope these words help you to find more joy, and happiness in your life. In the comments below, let me know what your take is on false confidence. I’d love to hear your story.

Why it’s Important For Women to Gather in Sisterhood. And How to Create it For Yourself.

For the biggest part of my life I wished I was a man.

It wasn’t until a personal tragedy woke me up in 2010, that I realized all I’d done was to live my life in the most masculine way possible.

Very early on in my life I made up my mind about the world, and concluded that being a boy would be so much easier than being a girl. I saw boys play, scream their lungs out, climb trees… and never being reprimanded for it. While I was being told to be careful, not to venture too high, to be quiet, to be nice.

What it’s like to be a woman in a male dominated world

Throughout my childhood I feel that I was groomed to fit into traditional gender roles, but with the added difficulty that I was also told to go out and get a job, to be ambitious, and to make it. I know I’m not alone in this. Especially in the West, millions of women are suffering the results of being brought up in a male dominated culture, where we’re being told that competition, success at all costs, and being the winner can coexist perfectly with our feminine qualities such as compassion and love, and even motherhood.

It simply isn’t so.

Of course it’s true that many women retain their feminine qualities, and that a whole lot of us give birth (duh!), and become mothers, but I’d like to argue that this happens despite the world we live in. Our world does not run on compassion, or love.

Our world runs on oil, not on coconuts; on profit, not on charity; on money, not on gifts; on competition, rather than collaboration; and on opposition, rather than support.

And that’s why women need to gather in sisterhood

Something I realized after having spent years of my life trying to become part of the o’ boys club. It would never happen. I was not a man. And even though I was playing by the rules, living my life, and building my businesses in the most masculine way possible, I was never really one of them.

In a male dominated culture, women can never really win. We start out with a handicap that we can never make up for. Even if we try our hardest, succeed in business, throw all of our compassion and love out the door, and toughen up like we’re supposed to, we’ll never live up to society’s expectations simply because we’ll always just be women.

When I understood this, my world broke open. Having thought of myself as a feminist all my life, I realized I had been the worst one at it. I had tried so hard to be a man that I despised myself for being a woman. In fact, I had forgotten how to be a woman. I had completely alienated myself from my feminine, that I had lost all sense of what it meant to be one.

The power of sisterhood

So I went in search. First of myself and my womanhood, then of my sisters. And what I found was nothing short of extraordinary.

#1 Women need women

After waking up to the fact that it was time to fully be a woman, and ever since I started my coaching practice, I realized how much women need women. Many studies have been devoted to the benefits of friendships, especially among women. In one such study, women with a strong, supportive circle of friends had much greater chances of survival than women who where socially isolated.

But there is more, much more.

#2 Sisterhood means deep, emotional connections

We are all social animals, and women especially thrive better when they have a sense of belonging, and community. Through sisterhood, women are able to make deep, and lasting emotional connections. At it’s most basic level, an emotional connection is how we give and receive the emotional support we all need. Emotional support means you’re being seen, being heard, being understood. It’s one of the most healing things we can experience, and something we get from sisterhood.

#3 Sisterhood is empowering

Science has long established that sisterhood is good for your health. But that’s not the whole story. Sisterhood goes way beyond the realm of the physical. In sisterhood women are empowered. Because in sisterhood you’re essential, and what you say, feel, and think matters. Being supported is a big part of sisterhood. You know others have your back, which allows you to stand in your own power more easily, and become the leader of your own life.

#4 Together is freeing

When women are supported like they are in trustworthy women groups, many of them talk about a new sense of freedom. I’ve spend many hours talking about this with women in my work, and what they often tell me is that they felt as if nobody was judging them, as if they could be themselves 100%. And I love that, because what they’re experiencing is exactly that. Gathered in sisterhood we’re able to shed our masculine skins, and to experience our feminine qualities fully. It’s scary at first, I know it was for me, but being together this way is so freeing! There’s nothing quite like it.

How to create sisterhood for yourself?

When I realized the masculine state I was in, I set myself out to rediscover what it meant to be a woman, and to create a tribe of women to gather with. Although it took a while to accomplish, it really wasn’t all that hard. Since, well… women are all around us!

• Be pro-active about getting in touch with the women in your life: when I decided I wanted women in my life, I took matters into my own hands. Instead of waiting for women to walk into my life (which honestly never happens), I decided to be pro-active about it, and (re)connect with women myself. I called or emailed all the women I’d known throughout my life that I liked, and from there build up relationships with them (again). With some, beautiful friendships emerged while with others, not so much. But that’s totally OK. So much so, that it has become a habit that I really cherish. Whenever I meet a woman that I feel a connection with, I’ll get in touch and see where sisterhood can take me.

• Focus on women, not men: following the previous point, another habit I’ve made my own, is to focus on women, not men in social situations. I feel that this is a very important part of this work – and being a woman actually – that women have not learned. Before, when I was in my masculine, when I would go to a business event or any other social happening, I would mostly talk to men, and give my attention to them. Now I do the opposite, and focus on women. I’ve made some amazing friends this way, and every time it’s a beautiful reminder not only that I am, in fact, a woman, but it also helps me to keep choosing compassion, and love over competition, and fear.

• Choose the women you want to surround yourself with: the saying goes that you become the five people you surround yourself with. I believe the same is true for becoming a powerful woman, and sister. If you’re being as intentional as I am about new female friendships, you have the right to pick who you want to surround yourself with (actually you always have that right). By choosing women that share the same values as you, that uplift you, and love you, you’re allowing powerful forces into your life. And that’s precisely the point!

• Don’t be afraid to go deep, and to love: making deep connections with women is not superficial, it’s not a gathering of women to gossip, to make each other jealous, to exchange platitudes. We have enough of that in the world already, don’t we? No, stepping into the sister circle means that you’re willing to go deep, and to love fully, with all that you are, visible, vulnerable. It’s a conscious choice that you have to make. Sisterhood, deep connections with other women, is not something that happens to you, it’s something that you willfully create.

• Leave our male dominated culture at the door: following the previous point, it’s important to mention that in sisterhood the male dominated world must be left behind. Even during my Sisterhood Retreats, where we come together in powerful, and sometimes very pragmatic gatherings on topics such as mindset, fears, goals, we come at it from a beautiful feminine place. Through sisterhood we unlearn what we’ve been told about the world – that it’s a harsh place for women, where competition and jealousy rule the relationships we have with each other – to come out on the other side anew, empowered, supported, and knowing that we’re not alone in this, and that together we can achieve anything.

If you want to experience how powerful it is to gather this way, why not come to my next Sisterhood Retreat, a yearly event in the heart of Paris (France) for women to come together, support each other, and achieve their goals.

Feeling like you could do more in your business or career if you only had some guidance?

I offer private coaching to help women unleash their inner power and create success on their own terms. With my help, you can learn how to use your feminine power to get what you want in life. You don’t have to do this alone – let me show you the ropes!

Imagine what it would feel like to finally achieve the success you know is possible for yourself. Picture yourself confidently taking charge of any situation and getting what you want out of life. It’s time to make your dreams a reality – sign up for coaching with me today!

Schedule your free session!

How to stop making excuses for yourself

I was talking to a friend last week about how hard it is for her to stay on track with her goals. She came to me desperate to find a schedule that would work for her, claiming she never has enough time to work on her goals.

But more than that, during our conversation I noticed how she kept making excuses for everything that she was unhappy about in her life: the way people treated her, the promotion she didn’t get, the neighborhood she was living in, the bills that kept on piling up. Pretty much everything in her life has nothing to do with her – or so she tells herself. What I told her is that it was time for her to stop making excuses for herself, and time for her to start achieving her goals instead.

We all love making excuses for ourselves

My friend is not alone in this. In fact, we all love to make excuses for ourselves. It’s our go-to habit when fear sets in, keeping it at bay comfortably by convincing ourselves that – although it’s not our fault – we simply cannot do, have, or achieve what it is we claim we so dearly want.

The reasons we rely on excuses may vary, but the results always remain the same: we don’t move forward with our lives, we don’t achieve our goals, we keep ourselves small.

Our excuses make it so easy for us to stay in our comfort zones

As I mentioned above, the reasons why we fall back on excuses may look different, but there is one thing almost all of them come down to: fear. When we start digging into the reasons why we love excuses to much, fear is almost always where we end up at:

• Fear of failure

• Fear of success

• Fear of not being good enough

• Fear of being made responsible

• Fear of the unknown

• Fear of making mistakes

• Fear of change

• Fear of (fill in the blank)

In my own life, I know I’ve kept myself small for so many years because of, well… all of the fears above, and more! I was even afraid to feel fear, and made a point out of avoiding anything that could make me feel uncomfortable. As a result, my comfort zone kept becoming smaller, and smaller, and smaller.

Until one day I realized that anything that remotely affected me with fear – things I had loved doing in the past, like going to amusement parks, or skiing, or even boarding a plane – had unconsciously made it from the fun list to the fear list.

Little by little I had shrunk my comfort zone to the point where it fit into my own pocket. I was devastated.

Our excuses and our fears love to work together

When I realized what I had done, and how much of the goals I wanted to achieve where unattainable for me considering where I was, I started to see a steady pattern between fear and excuses. I came to the conclusion that they love to work together!

Fear will ignite the excuse-o-meter, while our excuses are based on all the false ideas and beliefs we’ve gathered throughout our lives about what it is we can or cannot do. After a while – as I discovered through my own fears – this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: fears lead to excuses, and the more excuses you use the more fearful you become.

Overcoming your fears is the first step to stop making excuses

In order to break the cycle then, you need to work on overcoming your fears. Because the less fearful you are, the less you’ll hide behind excuses. If you don’t, you’ll not only keep yourself from achieving you full potential, and best life, you’ll also have a heap of other issues besides not achieving your goals:

• You’ll start believing so many excuses that there won’t be any room left for creativity and risk in your life

• You’ll reduce your comfort zone until it fits in your pocket

• You’ll become self-centered, and probably very pessimistic

• By relying on excuses you’ll reject taking responsibility for your own life, and actions

• Eventually you’ll probably regret not having taken more chances in your life

Recognizing you’re making excuses is the first step to overcoming your fears

As with most things we do to ourselves, recognizing that we’re doing them is the first step toward change. With excuses it’s no different. But recognizing you’re making excuses for yourself can be difficult, and something that can meet a lot of resistance. With me, it’s definitely been the case. I kept myself small, and kept telling myself why things couldn’t be different, but I never questioned my beliefs.

My daily inner chatter, when thinking about the big dreams and goals I had for myself, would usually sound something like this:

• I don’t have enough time to do it

• I’ll be able to do it when…

• I can’t do it, people will hate me if I do

• I’ll never be able to make a living out of it

• It’s not meant for me

Eventually I started noticing my inner talk. Then one night, when I was contemplating the big dreams I had for myself yet again, she said: you’ll never do it anyway. It was a defining moment in my life.

Redefining excuses as opportunities

That night, I made a list of all the things I had dreamed of doing but never actually done. Or started, but never finished. The list went on and on. Then I made a list of all the things I knew my parents dreamed of doing, but also never did. So I made a pact with myself, and decided to become the watch guard of my goals by noticing when I was making excuses, figuring out what my fears were, then redefining my excuses as opportunities instead:

#1 Ask yourself what kind of excuses you’re telling yourself

What am I telling myself so that I don’t have to do this or that?
What kept me from doing this or that?
I know I want to do this or that, so why am I not doing it?

#2 Identify what fears your excuses are expressing

What am I afraid of?
What do I think will happen if I do this or that?
What does fear look like for me?

#3 Redefine your excuses as opportunities

“I don’t have time” becomes “I have as much time as anyone else”
“I can’t do it, people will hate me if I do” becomes “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“I’ll be ready when” becomes “I’m ready now” or – my favorite – “I’ll never be ready, so I might as well do it now”

By redefining my excuses into opportunities, and always being on the lookout for the ways my fears love to express themselves to me, I’ve been able to overcome so much, and to make so many seemingly impossible things happen in my life.

That is what I want for you too. Don’t let your excuses stop you from achieving anything in your life.

10 easy tricks to overcome indecision and move forward with your life

Over the weekend a dear friend of mine confined in my about how she currently questions everything in her life, making her indecisive about what actions to take to move forward. What ensued was an openhearted discussion about fear, self-confidence, and breaking free from attractive cages. This post aims to further the conversation I had with my friend, and to offer her – and you – some practical ideas on how to overcome indecision to move forward with your life.

But what is indecision, really?

At its core indecision is the inability to make a decision quickly. Often, as is the case with my friend, indecision shows itself as a constant, and recurring questioning of options, without ever (or at least it seems that way) being able to come up with a decision.

The thing about constantly questioning your options is that it all comes down to fear. Yes, I know, here’s the f-word again, but based on my own life, and the work I do with my clients, that’s what I’ve come to believe. When it comes to indecision, the most basic fear is that you’ll make a wrong decision. But that’s not it, really. The fundamental fear that lies behind you being afraid of making a wrong decision, is that you won’t be able to handle the result of what you’ve decided to go for.

From my experience, it’s this fear of losing control that keeps most people from making decisions in the first place.

So here’s clue #1: Indecision is a fear-based reflex, related to:

• Feelings if insecurity.

• Not knowing what you really want.

• Wanting to please others, thus taking them too much into account.

• Rationalizing what you intuitively know to be true.

In all the examples above, fear lies at the root of your indecision.

• What if I make a mistake?

• What if I choose the wrong thing?

• What if people don’t like what I choose?

• What if my intuition is wrong? (I particularly love this one, oh dear, your intuition is almost NEVER wrong!)

As we’ve seen above, the fear of losing control is what really drives us to not make any decisions at all. And the reason why we fear losing control is because we don’t trust ourselves enough to actually handle our lives, and whatever might come our way. So we prefer to stick to the status quo, to what we know, to the life we have rather than the one we know we want to be living. My advice is: don’t. Don’t settle for the attractive cage that you know, but rather go out and seize the life that is yours to live.

There is a pertinent question that can help you to overcome your questioning and tetanizing fear of losing control.

A question that can help open the door of the attractive cage you’ve been living in for so long: What would you choose, if I could promise you the outcome would be all that you dreamed it to be?

Other ways of asking this question include (but are not limited to):

What would you choose:

• If you knew you could not get hurt?

• If you knew you could do it?

• If you knew you could not disappoint anyone?

• If you knew it would end well?

• If you knew it would make you happy?

• If you knew it was the right decision? (yeah, I know, this one’s the kicker)

Well… my guess is, you would simply go out and do it, wouldn’t you?

Clearly, what’s keeping you from making a decision is not your incapability to make sound decisions, or know what’s best for you for that matter, but your lack of trust in yourself.

This brings us to clue #2: Indecision is related to your level of self-confidence.

Bottom line: you don’t trust yourself enough to pull it off (whatever off is), and so you do nothing (or think you do nothing, because staying put is a decision too, more about that below), and you:

• stick to the safe option you’re familiar with,

• or go with what you think people expect you to do,

• or simply do what you think you can handle.

But by doing this you avoid going after what you really want.

In my opinion indecision is a clever way to mask our fears. Basically we can do two things when faced with a decision: we can decide something, or we can pretend we’re not deciding, which – newsflash! – is a decision too, and a terrible one at that. Indecision is giving away the power you hold over your life, giving up on designing it, letting other people take charge of your happiness.

But what if I don’t know what I want?

When I talk about indecision to my clients, I often get a “but I don’t know what I want” in return, claiming that that’s the reason why they’re not choosing, and not the fear of making a bad decision. When they tell me this, I simply have to call them out on it, by asking them the following question:

If you were the only person on the planet, would you know what you wanted?

And guess what? Every single one of my clients is crystal clear on what they want, when they’re the only ones inhabiting the planet!

Now the inquisitive mind must ask… but why is that?

It all comes down to the same thing: self-confidence. When my clients imagine they’re the only ones around, there is no fear of being judged, and so no issue with going for what they want. And the more they imagine themselves in action, the more confident they get.

Enter clue #3: Indecision will only be cured by taking action.

Just like the story of the chicken and the egg, who came first: the decision or indecision? We usually have it all backwards: we think the fear comes first, and when we’ll be sure about what to do next the fear will go away. But the reality is we have to act first, only then will we be able to overcome our indecision. I know it sounds and feels so counter-intuitive, but it simply is the truth.

So now that you know where all this questioning comes from…

10 Easy Tricks To Overcome Indecision And Move Forward With Your Life

• #1. Build up your self-confidence: as we’ve seen above, indecision and lack self-confidence go hand in hand. The more you trust yourself, and know that you can handle whatever comes next, the less indecisive you’ll be (and the less fears you’ll have for that matter!).

• #2. Trust your intuition: she usually knows best, and will lead you towards what is good for you. Try and follow your gut feeling whenever possible, instead of waiting for the right decision to show itself.

• #3. Don’t worry about making mistakes: you will never know for sure that a decision is the right one until you make it. By being OK with making mistakes, you’ll allow yourself the flexibility to not know everything for sure before taking action, which will eventually help you to move forward in life much faster!

• #4. Beware of attractive cages: it’s so easy to accept the status quo, especially when the situation you’re in feels safe, and familiar. But how attractive that cage might be, it’s still a cage. Don’t let fear make you settle for less than what you really want, instead use your fear as a signpost that there’s something for you out there.

• #5. Don’t think too much: this is related to trusting your intuition. The more you allow your rational mind to weigh your options, the less likely you’ll be to overcome your indecision.

• #6. Talk to people: indecision can often be nipped in the butt by gaining knowledge. Make sure you talk to people, and ask as many questions as you can about the options you’re weighing against each other. A word of caution here though: only ask advice from positive people that are knowledgeable about the subject matter! There is nothing to gain from asking your overprotective mom, or your doomsday prepping roommate.

• #7. Don’t wait for others to decide for you: very often indecision leads to giving away our power to someone else. We wait, and hope that situations will improve on their own. You have to realize that you’re always in control, and that nobody can choose for you. Keeping this in mind will ease your indecisiveness, because who wants to wait around for what will never come?

• #8. What’s the worst that could happen? I really love this question, and serve it to almost all of my clients when fear and indecision creeps in. It’s also my go-to mantra when I start to feel out of control, and lack the confidence to move ahead with a decision. Almost always, the worst possible outcome is far better than not deciding anything at all. Try it out for yourself, you’ll see.

• #9. Know that indecision is a decision too: a true a-ha moment right there. Yes, not doing anything, is actually doing something. Knowing this allows a lot of people to actually move on, and make a decision. Because indecision in and of itself is really the weakest position you can find yourself in, isn’t it?

• #10. So just do something: doing something beats doing nothing any time. As we’ve seen above, the only way to move past your fears is to take action. The same goes for your indecision. Very often, choosing something, even if it’s the wrong decision, will allow you to move forward and choose the right one down the line.

I hope these thoughts help you move past indecision. Just so you know, this post was first published as an email to subscribers of my bi-weekly Love Notes. If you enjoy reading my work and want to stay informed, you can sign up here.

5 ways to strengthen your mindset by getting out of your comfort zone

I believe that mindset is everything. It’s what makes you see the world around you in your own unique way.

Mindset is the foundation for all the things that you do in your life, every decision you make, every goal you achieve, how you interact with other people, what the glass looks like to you, how happy, and successful you are. As such, your mind can be your worst enemy as much as it can be your best friend.

Our mindset influences not only the way we think, but also the way we feel, and the way we act. In a way, you might say that everything comes down to your mindset:

• How you perceive the world

• Your level of self-confidence and self-esteem

• How much you love yourself

• The people you allow into your life

• The goals you set for yourself

• The actions that you take to reach your goals

• And so much more…

All of these thoughts, actions, and experiences are guided by your mindset. And this is a beautiful realization. Because even though it might not feel like much, it means that you’re in control, and that no matter what your situation may be today, you have the power to change your life simply by changing how you think.

Is your mindset strong enough to overcome fear?

This is where fear comes in. I believe that depending on whether or not you’re experiencing fear in your life, you’re living in a completely different world. And the way you’re allowing fear to be your guide greatly depends on your mindset.

I speak from experience when I say this. I used to be afraid of practically everything. My mom and dad raised me believing that the outside world was dangerous, and scary, and filled with unknown horrors. I wasn’t allowed to stand on a chair out of fear of falling down, or to roller-blade out of fear of hurting myself, or to play with the kids in the neighborhood out of fear that someone or something might hurt me. To my parents, everything was dangerous.

And I’m not saying this to blame them. Just to make the point that, whatever the beliefs you’re raised with, you can really get out of the fear mindset. And one way to do it – which I practiced extensively to get to where I am now – is stepping out of your comfort zone.

We all love our comfort zone

What’s fun, and easy about comfort zones, is that we all intrinsically know what lies on the other side of them. Even if you think you have no clue, I promise you that you do. It’s all those things that you kind of want to do, but that your inner voice keeps telling you not to. Like talking to the cute guy you stand in line at Starbucks three days out of the week, or the hip-hop dancing class you’d love to enrol in but feel you’re to old for, or that trip to Europe you’ve been wanting to take your entire life but haven’t found the time to.

As I mentioned before, what all of these examples have in common is fear, because what keeps us in the comfort zone is the avoidance of potential discomfort. And when we aim for things we’re not used to doing, or that are a little challenging, or out of the ordinary for us, it makes us feel uncomfortable.

The problem is, we’ve learned to try and make our lives as comfortable as possible, to be risk-averse whenever we can, and to do the things we know best, rather than the ones where not that experienced in. So we’re sticking with the status quo, and don’t question our beliefs. Keeping things as they are, hoping they will never change because having a grip on a so-so or downright shitty situation feels so much better than having to go through uncomfortable and unknown moments.

And you know what? Our minds are great at playing that trick on us. I know because I used to be really good at making danger look insurmountable, while I could sit on a painful nail for a very, very long time before deciding to do anything about the situation.

This comfort zone madness made me pass on great opportunities in the past, and has kept me in some really nerve-wrecking situations for way too long too. Like when I was 18 years old and decided not to take a leap year in the US because I was so afraid of the unknown, or the time that I stayed in a relationship for three long years while I knew from day one that this guy was anything but good for me.

How to step out of your comfort zone to strengthen your mindset?

All of this because of fear. And because my mindset was not strong enough to help me overcome it.

Since then, I’ve come a long way. I can’t really stand sitting on a nail anymore, not even for a few minutes. And I’ve learned to talk back to my fears, and to make sure they don’t control my life.

Out of all the things I did to get to this point, here are 5 simple ideas to strengthen your mindset by getting out of your comfort zone:

• Talk to strangers: Talking to stranger is a wonderful exercise in discomfort. Our culture does not encourage us to talk to strangers, all the contrary. When we’re small we’re told specifically not to do so, and as we grow older we never really grow out of it. I’m sure you’ve experienced the agony of standing in an elevator for too long with someone you don’t know, with the absolutely unbearable silence creeping up on you. By talking to strangers in situations like that, you’ll actually break the uncomfortable moment, and transform it into something else. Something that Kio Stark calls “fleeting intimacy”, something beautiful that not only strengthens your mindset but connects you to other human beings.

• Do something that genuinely scares you: One of the most straightforward ways to strengthen your mindset to overcome fear, is to do something that scares you. It sounds trivial, yet so many people never actually do it. They find excuses, stand by their limiting beliefs, blame their inaction on anyone or anything, while it is common knowledge that consistently doing things that scare you help alleviate your fears.

• Do something you’re used to doing, in a completely different way: We humans love our habits, don’t we? Our brains run on autopilot most of the time, our thought are often the result of our beliefs, we usually react to the same situation the same way. The reason we’re such habit animals is because it’s easy, and right in the middle of our comfort zone. By doing daily things in a completely different way, you’re pushing yourself out of that zone, into discomfort. The autopilot has to be turned off, and you have to take control. This means thinking about new ways of doing something, activating your creativity, and problem-solving skills. But also opening up to the possibility that you won’t do it as well as you normally do, or that maybe you will fail. It doesn’t matter what you pick – the dishes, doing the groceries, walking the dog. What matters is that you do it differently.

• Fail at something: We are all afraid to fail. It’s one of our most fundamental fears. This fear is often associated with a fear of shame, of being ridiculed, criticized for not succeeding. Because of this fear, many wonderful goals are never chased, amazing lives never lived. It’s one of those fears that pop up regularly with my clients, and that we work on a lot. Because when you’re no longer afraid to fail, or comfortable with the potential failure of anything you set out to do, working on your goals and doing the things that really matter to you will be so much easier! So Pick something that you know for sure might not work, and do it anyway.

• Speak up: For many people, saying what they really mean is very uncomfortable. The fear of disappointing others, not being liked, or being ridiculed is often at the root of this issue. But standing up for yourself by speaking your truth is not only a wonderful way to practice stepping out of your comfort zone, it’s also necessary to live a happy life. Practice speaking up by starting with the small and simple conversations. Once you feel comfortable sharing your opinion about trivial things, move up to the more challenging topics and discussions. Go slow, but do go. It will be liberating, that I promise you.

Now I’d love to hear from you. How do you venture out of your comfort zone? What practices do you have that help strengthen your mindset? Let me know in the comments below.

Why I meditate before I coach, and other things I so to create space for my clients

When I started coaching, I didn’t have a clue about what coaching really was. I came to sessions to the best of my abilities, and wholeheartedly, with a genuine desire to help my clients, but I wasn’t really creating the sacred coaching space that makes the experience so incredible, and life-changing.

It took me to enroll in the Beautiful You Coaching Academy to really learn the ropes of coaching, and to understand how important it is to be fully present for my clients. That’s why I now meditate before I coach, and why I have created a powerful ritual for myself, that I perform before every coaching session. And what I want to do today, is share with what that ritual is all about, and how I learned of it’s importance during my time at the coaching academy.

How I discovered I was meant to be a coach

From as far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to help people. If there’s one passion in my life that has been with me every step of my journey, this is the one. Even as a little girl, the only thing I ever wanted to do was help. Someone would lose something, and I would be the one looking for it for hours. A bird would be injured in our garden, and I would tend to it day and night until it was whole again, and ready to fly away. Whatever it was, I couldn’t help myself (no pun intended), helping was just part of my DNA.

Now my life story is definitely messy, and although helping others remained at my core, for a long time I silenced the need to express it. After college I went on to climb the so-called corporate ladder, I started freelancing, then created my first company.

I did everything I though was expected of me, and helping others wasn’t really part of that. But even through my work at the time, I found ways to still offer advice and help. And eventually, six years ago, a personal tragedy made me realize that your true self can never fully be silenced, and that it will always come back to you, and ask to be expressed. At least, it did with me.

From business consulting to career, business and leadership coaching

Since I was already helping my business client with more than just their projects, I decided to transition into business consulting, and eventually business coaching. At first the sessions where very masculine in nature, and concentrated mostly on the financial goals, and success aspirations of my clients. But as time went on, I felt that I needed more tools, and a better understanding of coaching to be able to really help my clients. Because I noticed that whatever goals they were coming at me with, there was an underlying feeling, a hunger for a more fulfilling life, a quest for happiness that couldn’t be ignored.

And so I enrolled in the Beautiful You Coaching Academy. To this day one of the best decisions of my life. The place were I learned the true meaning of self-love, compassion, and sisterhood. And where I understood how to create sacred space, something I had never done before, but that I’ve now come to value as one of the most important parts of coaching.

What is creating space?

You might be wondering what sacred space is, and if you are, you’re not alone. Although I’ve been creating space for my clients for a while now, I’m still amazed at how powerful, and magical that space really is. And how unique it is to be able to create it for someone else, like a client.

To me creating sacred space looks kind of similar to what is known as speech acts in language philosophy. We perform speech acts when we “open a ceremony”, or “pronounce a couple husband and wife” for instance. Or when we offer an apology, greeting, request, complaint, or anything else of that sort. Basically something is created when it is spoken, as you cannot open a ceremony without speaking the words – the actual act that is born when the words are expressed.

With creating sacred space, I feel something alike is happening.

As a witness, through the work with my clients, I’ve seen how sacred space is real, and although invisible to the naked eye, clearly there for the soul. And the way it’s created is through a bond between coach and client, where the client is open to receiving and accepts the gift of total presence, and where the coach is creating, and holding that space for the client. Almost in a mystical way – and I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. And as such, it’s not an easy thing to do, and something that you must commit to as a coach, and that you cannot take lightly, or rush into.

Holding space requires:

• Work: as a coach you have to open the space, and keep it open for your client, that’s why it’s so important to prepare well for it (see below).

• Respect: coach and client enter this sacred space from a place of respect for one another, with lack thereof there is no sacred space created.

• Trust: as a client you must fully trust that your coach has your best interest at heart, and will do nothing but help you achieve your goals, if not there is no sacred space created.

• Presence: as a coach you must enter this sacred space stripped from all your worries, and the things that distract you from holding space for your client, again one of the reasons why preparing for your sessions is so important.

• Love: and finally (although this list is in no way exhaustive!) I believe that to create sacred space as a coach you need love. Love for your client, love for the work, love for the learnings of each and every session, and love for life itself.

Creating space for my coaching clients

Ever since I graduated from the academy, and became a Certified Beautiful You Life Coach, I’ve been working on putting together a ritual for creating sacred space for my clients. This ritual has become a cornerstone of my coaching practice, and something that couldn’t do without anymore.

Of course, before any coaching session, I always go over my coaching notes, and review homework, comments, or anything else that my clients have sent to me about their actions. And yes, this definitely helps to prepare. But it doesn’t guarantee that I won’t be going into the session with my own stuff, or that I’ll be able to be fully present.

But I find that it’s essential to create sacred space for my client, hence the ritual. Before any coaching session I take around 20 minutes to fully prepare.

During those 20 minutes I:

• go over my coaching notes, and anything else that I need to review to be fully prepared for the session;

• think about my values, remember why I do what I do, how strongly I feel about wanting to serve this client, and ask what I need to do to be fully present for her in this moment;

• feel into the love, respect, trust that I have for my clients, myself, and the coaching process;

• use the final five to ten minutes of this prep time to do a powerful meditation, focused on letting go of all my stuff, and preparing myself to create sacred space in the present moment.

Coaching is a layered process

I’ve come a long way since my early days as a business coach. Transitioning into the feminist, women empowerment, and sisterhood coach I am today, working with so many different, and inspiring women, has made me understand that coaching is a layered process, not only for my clients, but also for me – as a coach. And that’s really what I love so much about it. It’s one of those things where doing really is becoming.

The more I coach, the more I become aware of myself, and in turn the better a coach I become. That’s why this ritual is so important, and powerful.

And if you’re thinking about becoming a coach…

If you’re interested in learning more about becoming a life coach, and creating sacred space for your clients, you might want to check out the BYCA, as I can only recommend you enroll in the Beautiful You Coaching Academy. Through my own experience, and that of so many of my fellow academy trainees, I can only say it’s one of the best life coaching courses around (I absolutely want to say the best, but OK I’ll be a little humble).

And if you enroll through my affiliate link, you’ll get a unique bonus package from me (with a total value of €1259 / $1405):

• A 3-month / 6-session coaching series with me to help you work towards your certification.

• Access to The Loft, my membership program, free of charge for the entire period of your studies at the academy.

• 50% discount on tickets for my Live Sisterhood Retreats for the entire duration of your studies.

So check out the Beautiful You Coaching Academy website now

And before you go, in the comments below, do tell me why do you want to become a life coach? And if you are already a life coach, what’s your pre-coaching ritual? How do you like to create space for your clients? I’d really love to know.

How I cured my anxiety and stopped (almost all) the worry chatter in my head

Every month I have a wonderful time connecting with some of the most amazing women in our coaches’ mastermind circle. As part of our monthly rituals, we do a virtual go around, where we each share one or more of our wins of the past four weeks. When it was my turn, I had the best win ever to share: I’ve come to the conclusion that I cured my anxiety and stopped (almost all) the worry chatter in my head. But, and there’s always a but, this realization came as the silver lining of a very unpleasing situation that has recently made its way into my life.

That’s the reason I want to write about anxiety today, because in a way what’s happening to me right now, and the way I’m dealing with it, has helped me realize how far I’ve come, and how much all the work I’ve put in to overcome my anxiety has paid off. Because believe me, if what’s happening now in my life would have happened to me only a few years ago, I’d be a total mess, completely devastated, overcome with bouts of anxiety I wouldn’t be able to deal with, incapable to stop the worry chatter in my head.

Yet, here I am. Peaceful, calm, and happy.

The €80,000 Anxiety Test

While an ex-business partner from almost a decade ago managed to bankrupt a company that I was briefly involved in way back when, failed to file the required accounts and other reports to the state for years, made official documents disappear, lied about the whole thing to government officials, so that now they’re at my doorstep asking me to fill in for the losses, using a decade-old capitalization promise of €80,000 (yes, you read that right, we’re talking $100,000). I’m sure you’ll agree that this might be reason enough to propel anyone into anxiety and worry town.

Yet, here I am. Together, serene, and (almost) undisturbed.

When I realized the placid state I was in, when the news about this really unfair, and really, really shitty situation reached me a few weeks ago, I was in disbelief.

At first, I thought I was in shock, and that that was the reason why I didn’t feel anything. “Give it a few days”, I thought to myself, “and you’ll be a mess, I promise”. But a few days later, I was still doing fine. Of course, I had the occasional thought popping into my mind, but every time, in a reflex-like manner, I simply pushed the thought away.

Then, I thought it was because I was being optimistic, having arranged a preliminary meeting with my lawyers, and thinking it would all be OK since I have absolutely nothing to do with this whole thing. Until I met with them, and they confirmed that there was no way out of this, and that I would have to pay up, no matter what. Even then, every time a worrisome thought about this came into my mind, the reflex was there too, and the thought was pushed aside.

Finally, I thought it was because I was blinded by anger for the injustice that was happening to me. And that when that wave of anger would pass, I’d only start feeling the real feelings, anxiety, and worry that I was expecting to come over me.

But again, close to nothing. And when an anxious feeling did make its way into my mind, it left as fast as it had appeared. This left me puzzled to say the least, and for a few different reasons.

How Far I’ve Come…

• One. I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember. When I used to be a people pleaser, the worry chatter in my head never seemed to stop. Even the smallest, most insignificant thing would get me going.

• Two. Although I’ve been working on getting myself anxiety and worry-free for a good five years now, I never would have thought that I could remain so composed and blissful in a shitty situation like that. Yes, I knew I had beaten the little anxiety demons, but I wasn’t aware that the big ones were also slayed.

• Three. I’ve been working on my money story for a very long time too. And one of my biggest worries in life has always been money, and my biggest fear that someone would come and take my hard-earned cash away from me.

• Four. When I was a kid, the thing that made me the saddest was when someone would wrongfully accuse me of something, and I would have no way to defend myself. And until this day, I still cannot stand it. It’s made me into a feminist, and an activist, which I wonderful, but also into someone who’s very sensitive to any kind of injustice.

The good thing about being self-aware, and on a continuous path of self-discovery, is that you notice things. And after a few weeks, when I had gone through all five stages of loss, because – hey – it’s not because you’re not worrying or anxious that you can’t or shouldn’t feel angry, depressed over something unfair happening to you, I had to accept that I still wasn’t back to my worrisome self from the past.

So I started to think back on all the things I had done to help alleviate my anxiety, and the path I’d traveled since then. I read a lot of books, tried out a lot of techniques, and often felt like nothing was really working.

But that’s because I didn’t realize what a layered process it is, and how everything I was doing, and learning would be very beneficial in the long term. So after six years of self-discovery, with the last three years spent working on overcoming my anxiety, here’s an overview of the five main areas I worked on to achieve the level of peace, and calm I now enjoy.

#1 Mindfulness

The first real step I took to live a life with less anxiety, was to follow an eight-week course in Mindfulness. It’s funny when I think back on it, because a lot of the things that were taught during that course now seem so normal to me, yet at the time my woo-woo alarms where going off every five minutes. I was so into the masculine, and so focused on being a high-achieving woman, unaware of the suffocating stress I was living under, and the unrealistic expectations I had for myself, that anything that tried to crack that armour was met with disbelief. But thanks to the beginners’ mind, and a real wish to live a much happier life, I kept going, even though I fell asleep during every single meditation!

The most important thing that this mindfulness training taught me was that we are not our thoughts, and that we should be like investigative journalists before we believe them. A Copernican revolution for me. Until then, I made no difference between what I thought, the nasty little voice in my head that spelled out those thoughts to me, and my self.

After the Mindfulness course I started to question the things that I thought, and to distance myself from them. An awakening moment to say the least.

#2 Meditation

I’d been on and off the meditation wagon for many, many years. I knew about the benefits, but I had a hard time keeping a daily practice. After the Mindfulness course, I committed to giving myself to meditate every day. The reason I wanted this so badly, is that I realized that if I was not my thoughts, I needed a powerful way to be in control of them. And I felt that meditation might be the answer. And I believe it’s been instrumental to stopping the worry chatter in my head.

My meditation practice is really simple. I focus on my breathing, and I allow thoughts to enter my mind, but also to leave my mind again. Always going back to my breathing. That’s the powerful training that I’ve given myself over the years. And now, even when I’m not in a meditative state, I’m able to push away thoughts that I don’t want. And… to keep them at bay, leaving me undisturbed.

#3 The Now

A few months after the eight-week Mindfulness practice, my coach at the time proposed that I’d read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Of course, I’d heard about how the only real moment we have is now, and how the past cannot be changed, and the future is only an illusion, but still I found myself anxiously worrying about all the things I felt I had done wrong in my life, and all the things that dawned on me in the future.

No stone was left unturned. I could spend hours, days, weeks even going over a conversation I’d had with someone, or something someone had said or done. I saw danger everywhere, with my biggest worry being that people would eventually hate me, hurt me, and figure out that I was not anywhere near good enough. I didn’t believe in a happy world, where I could live a successful life. Until I discovered the power of now.

Using the teachings of the book (and of course, reading up on it, and doing a lot more research!), whenever I felt anxious I started asking myself:

• How are you feeling now?

• Where are you now?

• Can anyone hurt you now?

To always come to the same conclusion: that I was safe, that I was good, that nobody could hurt me.

It changed my life.

#4 Beliefs

By now, I’d come to realize that I was not my thoughts, and even better, that I could control them. I’d also learned techniques to keep me out of the past and future, and to ground me in the present – where everything was really just fine most of the time. And so, at this point in my journey, I came across the next very powerful piece of the anxiety-free puzzle: my beliefs.

Realizing that I was not my thoughts was a very powerful experience for me. But even more so, was understanding that the thoughts I have are a result of the beliefs that I hold true. And with that, to become aware of where those beliefs come from, and their innate illusory character.

Our beliefs shape our reality. I have no doubt about that. But that doesn’t make them real, or intangible. We all believe so many things, consciously and subconsciously. And most of those beliefs have been passed down to us by our parents, the significant people in our lives, and even society and our culture. Understanding this was another big a-ha moment for me, one in which I decided that from now on I would question everything, and that I would not accept the status quo anymore.

#5 Self-love

And finally, through this process, I realized that the biggest piece of it all to overcome my anxiety and worry, was to learn to love myself. I believe that something that is whole doesn’t worry, because it has everything it needs right within itself. And I believe the same goes for us humans. A big part of anxiety and worry comes from believing you’re not good enough, at least it was for me, and that somebody out there will hurt you, or figure you out, or that nobody will ever love you.

Remembering when I’ve been the most anxious in my life, this certainly applies to me. The worries I would have would always have to do with my many flaws, with the things I could lose in my life, with invented danger about being left all alone in this world, having no were to go, or no one to turn to. But the real issue was: I didn’t love myself.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve worked very, very hard at becoming my own best girlfriend. And it has had a profound effect on how I stand in the world, and the way I deal with any kind of shit that comes my way: serene, untroubled, and supported.

Because I’m always there for me. And that, in the end, is my biggest anxiety and worry-busting remedy.

Of course, I’m not saying that I never have any worries anymore, or that I’m totally anxiety free. That would simply not be true. Especially with something like what’s happening now, I will have the off moment and the dark thought. But where it used to be days or weeks on end of agonizing worry over anything and everything, I’m down to a couple of minutes, that have little to no effect on my overall happiness. And that to me is nothing short of a miracle.

I hope this post helps you to overcome your anxieties and worry chatter. And if you’re doing the work, but feel like nothing’s changing… Know now that it’s a process, and that you’re on your way to a much happier and more peaceful life. So don’t give up, but let me know how you’re doing in the comments below instead. I’d love to know.