How to identify the beliefs that hold you back

In my coaching practice I meet women when they’re at a crossroads in their lives. When the life they’ve been living for a long time – and the goals they’ve pursuit – don’t work for them any more. When I ask these women what their big dreams are I’m often met with silence. Many of them simply don’t know. Or if they do, their big dreams often come with a big list of why they’ll never achieve them.

From personal experience, and listening to what these women tell me over and over again, I’ve learned that one of the main blocks to overcome in order to dream bigger are the beliefs we hold true for ourselves.

We live in a world full of rules and regulations about who we’re supposed to be and what we’re supposed to want. This is especially true as women. We’re expected to be a lot of things. Most of them in service of others. These unwritten rules or social expectations are often disguised as internalized beliefs. It’s simply the way culture works.

Being a good daughter for instance might mean you believe you need to listen to your parents when they give you advice about your career choices. Perhaps they want you secure your future by staying in a job you dislike, or earn a degree in a field that doesn’t interest you. The belief that you need to listen to them might make it hard for you to follow your own path, and choose your own career.

The good news is, once we identify the beliefs that hold us back, we can let go of them. We do this by replacing them with new beliefs based on who we are, what we really want, and what we actually belief about the world.

How to identify the beliefs that hold you back?

• Reflect

The best way I’ve found to identify internalized beliefs is to reflect on them. You can do this by journaling about them. Writing down what you believe in can be difficult. What’s internalized isn’t always visible on the surface or conscious. Here are a few prompts that can help you get started.

Pick a dream you’d like to achieve but have trouble getting started or following through with. Start writing down all the associations that come to you about this dream. Don’t edit or limit yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Do I think I deserve this dream?

• What will happen if I achieve this dream?

• Why do I think I won’t make it?

• What don’t I want about this dream?

• Why am I having trouble achieving this dream?

Go over your list and make a note of all the negative things you wrote down. What do they have in common? What do they say about how you see yourself in the world? What beliefs do they bring forward?

If your dream is to become a freelance writer you might think that pursuing this dream is risky, or that you can’t because you don’t have the right degree. Both of those things – risk and degree – are beliefs you have about who can, and can’t start a business.

The question is: is this really true? Do you really need a degree to become a freelancer writer and is it really that risky to work for yourself? Spoiler alert: it’s not! You only believe it is because you’ve been conditioned to.

• Listen to your inner voice

We all have a mean inner voice. It’s the one that tells us we can’t do something, or that we shouldn’t. She’s always there with an opinion about everything. Guess what? That opinion are your internalized beliefs.

By listening to your inner voice, especially when she’s being critical, you’ll be able to identify the beliefs that hold you back.

My inner critic has a tendency to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I don’t have what it takes to succeed at my dreams. For a long time this held me back from doing what I really wanted to do, and forced me to stay small. Once I realised she wasn’t telling the truth I was able to let go and make decisions without listening to her or my internalized beliefs.

• Question your inherited beliefs

Inherited beliefs are the beliefs that are passed down to us in childhood. A lot of them come from our parents, the school we went to, the social circles we grew up in. They’re closely related to our inherited dreams, something I resist and fight against in the work I do with my clients.

We have inherited beliefs about everything. Most of them came from the people that had the most influence on us, that we cared the most for or that we looked up to the most.

Questioning your inherited beliefs is an exercise in reflection like the first tip above. The difference is the focus of the question. Instead of asking yourself what you believe about something, you focus on someone else: your mom or dad, your siblings, a school teacher maybe. Anyone that had an influence on you growing up.

Ask yourself:

• What did my mom teach me about money?

• What did my dad teach me about work ethics?

• What did my fifth grade teacher think about creativity?

• How were my parents raised?

• What did my parents believe in?

These questions will help you to identify the beliefs that you’ve inherited. Once you have I invite you to ask yourself if they’re true and relevant to you. If not, don’t be afraid to change them to alternatives that work better for you. Your big dreams will thank you.

How Michelle started her own freelance copywriting business

I met Michelle at the end of 2016, when she was settling into her new apartment in Paris. Michelle had read one of my posts about multi-passionate creative women and could see herself in what I was describing. What followed were some powerful months where Michelle got clear on what she wanted, and finally admitted her secret dreams to herself. Today – through Michelle’s hard work and dedication – those dreams are becoming reality. Here’s how she did it.

What was your big dream, and what inspired you to go after it?

To be honest, for a long time I felt sort of lost. I didn’t have just one dream. Instead, I had a thousand thoughts consisting of… “It would be awesome if…”. But one of the biggest ‘thoughts’ was to be able to travel the world and try new experiences. To be able to document these wonderful places forever, and sharing them with the world. That’s why I decided to move from North America to Paris with my husband. It was a dream we both shared so it made sense.

Did you always have this dream?

I always had many things I loved to do. I never thought there was a position that could encompass them all! Let alone creating a writing/copywriting business. It was never on my list. And then I read about this thing about “multi-passionate woman”. That’s how I met you. Through one of your blog posts. What caught my attention was your multi-passionate coaching series. I didn’t realize it till I read your blog. Wanting to be and do many things… was normal!

What was one of the first thing you did to get you started?

It seems so long ago. The first thing to get me started? Opening up to you. Trusting you and becoming more aware of myself. That freedom to become completely honest with myself opened so many doors for us… allowing us to dissect and explore.

What were the biggest challenges you faced in working toward achieving your dream?

There were a few. The biggest? The challenge of putting yourself out there, being vulnerable to failure or defeat. Those “villains” in the back of your head questioning your motives and moves. The 2nd biggest, starting your career over and having to learn new things. At my age, most people think, ” You’re too old.” or “It’s too late.” Let me tell you, I feel so young right now. Everything is fresh and new. Sometimes I feel like I’m turning “ageless”. It’s quite exhilarating.

What do you wish you would have done differently? What would you warn others about?

To not have been so stubborn to learn things on my own. I would suggest to save time and sanity, look at the areas you need improvement in or struggle with. Look into a mentor or get help from a person specialized in that area. With their expertise you’ll be able to weave your way to your goals a lot faster, and perhaps be introduced to other people or tools to help you with your goal.

Would you say you’ve achieved your big dream yet?

Yes and no. I’ve actually turned this dream into a step in order to achieve a final goal… much grander in scale. So yes, I’ve hit my milestones – creating a business, obtaining new experiences and sharing them. But as you develop, so do your dreams. This business has become the first step to a vision I imagined only a few years ago! A vision I never thought could be possible. Today I see it. The final destination. With all the lovely little branches of goals (soon to be turned into milestones)… that include all the things I’ve ever wanted to do.

What do you think helped you achieve it?

Your and your coaching series was the supporting force to this grand plan. Previous to working with you, I never believed I had a big dream. I just wanted to be happy. I felt lost on where to go or what to do to get to that place. But through your contagiously amazing aura, I broke free from a life with no direction.

What’s the best advice you have for others who want to follow their big dreams?

As Nike says, “Just do it”.

More about Michelle – michellemedia.ca

Michelle is a Canadian writer, explorer, believer and inspirer, design thinker, design lover, and designer of her life. She currently lives in Paris but who knows where her big dream will take her next?

If you’re looking for a writer/copywriter you can contact Michelle at michellemedia.ca or I can put you in touch directly.

You can follow Michelle’s new adventures on instagram @michellenouvelle and on her blog michellenouvelle.com.

Michelle’s favourite quote:

Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.
– C. Joybell C.

Michelle’s big dream for the world:

To have the courage to go after their dreams. Every single one of them.

If you want more inspiring stories, I’ve got great news for you! This story is part of an interview series, you can find all entries here.

The tyranny of inherited dreams and how to get free from them

We’re all dreamers. Every single one of us. We have hopes, and wishes for ourselves, our loved ones and the future. Ask any person what they’d like to own or be and you’ll hear whispers of desire, stories of how things should be or could have been.

As a mentor to the unconventional I know a thing or two about dreams. I dive deep with my clients every day to help them figure out what they really want, and how to get it. Together we define a new path for their dream career or business.

Women come to me when they’re at a crossroad in their lives. They’ve been feeling that something’s off – sometimes for a really long time – and can’t ignore it any more.

They’re stuck in unfulfilling careers.
They’re tired of the endless and exhausting cycle of overwork and perfection.
They’re torn between their personal ambitions and the needs of others.
They yearn to grasp why – while doing everything right – they still aren’t happy.
They wonder what happened to them, and how they got where they are.
They’re weary of the guilt and shame for wanting what they want.
They’re tired of their self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.
They’re afraid of never being who they know they’re supposed to be.
They lack a sense of meaning, purpose, and direction in their life.

When I started working with these women I noticed something else about them.

They have many talents and passions.
They’re creative.
Hard-working.
Wholehearted.
Compassionate.
Ambitious.
Not afraid to get their hands dirty.
Smart.
Insatiable for knowledge.
And quick learners.

With all these amazing qualities, why is it so hard for them to figure out what they really want?

It’s the tyranny of inherited dreams.

Inherited dreams are the dreams we pursue but that we didn’t choose for ourselves. They’re a product of the world we’re born into. A mix of social expectations, false (limiting) beliefs about ourselves and the world, pressure to conform, and unwritten rules we believe we have to live by, passed down to us in childhood.

More often than not, we’re not aware those dreams aren’t really our own. But whether we know it or not, it’s incredibly hard to resist them. If we give in to them entirely (which, really, we’re all doing when we’re not asking questions), we turn into docile, sleepwalking robots producing what the system needs us to in order to sustain itself. While the system gets every need met, we estrange from our true nature, or deepest desires, and our authentic dreams.

I was a robot like that, from the day I started working as a freelancer to the day my parents passed away, almost two decades later.

• I wanted to be successful. Dressed in the nicest clothes, wearing expensive watches, carrying luxury bags, traveling the world, making tons of money. As a result I worked relentlessly – burned myself out – for years, trying to build the career I thought I needed to achieve that dream. I never got there…

• I wanted to be beautiful. Thin, youthful, tanned, smiling, hair and nails perfectly done, always put together. As a result I was on a diet from the age of 15, exercised excessively for the bigger part of my life. In the end I was never satisfied with my body or how I looked.

• I wanted to be liked. Catering to everyone’s needs, always aiming for perfection, as pleasing as I could be. As a result I was a push-over, had no boundaries, attracted the wrong partners, stayed in toxic relationships for years, had draining friendships, didn’t take care of myself, and was never really me.

Don’t misunderstand me. Wanting to be successful, beautiful or liked is all part of the bigger needs we have as humans: to be loved, to be fulfilled, to have purpose.

Love, fulfilment, purpose are NOT inherited dreams. They are our soulful connection to ourselves, and each other. They are our life breath. Without them we can never be truly happy.

What I mean by inherited dreams are the things we think we want in order to be loved, fulfilled, purposeful.

The culture we live in has made us belief that we can only achieve those things by being a certain way. Moreover, society also tells us that to be a certain way we need to have a specific and narrow set of material things and qualities.

• Success means money, status, power and all the “perks” that go with it. The clothes, the travels, the sandy beaches, the private jets. It also means being ready to do “everything it takes”, the glorification of busy, the relentless pursuit of productivity.

• Beauty means youth, thinness, whiteness. It also means being ready to starve yourself, to exercise beyond injury, to accept the dangers of surgery, and to reject and see as less than anything that doesn’t meet the beauty standard.

• Likability means politeness, not speaking too loud, being a good girl, and saying “yes”. It also means accepting others crossing your boundaries, putting yourself last on your list, bottling up your emotions, and not being your true self.

The issue with inherited dreams is that we don’t know they’re someone else’s. We’re so used to seeing others chase them that we believe we want to chase them too. No wonder we are. They’re EVERYWHERE. We read about them online or in magazines, we see them in movies, our friends have them…

I believe it is our right, as well as our responsibility, to look within ourselves. To examine, question and identify what we stand for so that we can live fulfilling, happy, courageous lives and pursue our own dreams.

The thing about inherited dreams is that they’re a construct. Just like all the rules that exist in the world, we – as a society – created them. Historical events, beliefs about the world, value systems upheld and shared by those in power all contributed to the inherited dreams we have today. But it wasn’t always this way, and it doesn’t need to be.

There’s something else buried deep beneath our inherited dreams.

Our truest, most authentic dreams. Our secret dreams.

Just like inherited dreams, I believe we all have secret dreams. The problem is that most of us have lost the map to find them in the pile of maps that lead us to other people’s dreams, a.k.a. nowhere.

To me, finding your way back to your secret dreams means dreaming bigger.

Dream Alchemy is a process of unraveling, imagination, and transformation. It’s not about having bigger or better versions of our inherited dreams. It’s about dismantling them. About admitting our most authentic, truest dreams to ourselves. About coming home to who we are.

Today I define success in terms of sustainability, self-care, and overall well-being both in my life and in my business. I define beauty through art, wonder, and curiosity. Inviting all that is unknown to me in, fighting for equality and justice. I define likability by how much of my true self I’m able to bring into my relationships, how much love I have to go through authenticity and respect for myself and others.

Does this mean I make no money any more or that I stopped shopping for clothes? No. What it means is that I now have a business that feels right to me, Smart Work™ systems that don’t exhaust me, marketing practices that are aligned with my values. I also still have a closet full of clothes. But I don’t need them to be happy.

My invitation to you is to question your dreams.

Ask yourself what really matters to you. Wonder about what you’d do if you knew you were loved unconditionally. Define what purpose means to you. Figure out what you really want. Question the rules you live by. Ask yourself where all those beliefs come from…

In other words: I want you to transform reality to finally fit your dreams.

Because yes, you have permission to dream differently – to dream YOU.

How to enjoy the journey as you move closer to your goals

When working on big dreams it’s easy to get caught up in them. We get so focused on the end result that we lose sight of all that we already have. I know this is something I used to deal with a lot, and that I still need to be careful of.

It’s great to want things, and work toward them. But not to the extend that you’re unable to enjoy where you are right now, or what you’ve already accomplished. In fact, I believe you’ll have a better chance at achieving your goals if you find joy on the road that leads to them.

There are a few reasons for this, but the most important one is that the happier you are, the better you’ll be able to work on your goals.

You’ll have more energy, greater creativity and problem-solving skills, less stress, and more resilience. It will be easier for you to stay on track, focused, and to see things through when they don’t turn out as you’d planned.

How do you enjoy the journey?

There are many ways to enjoy the present moment, big and small. Here are three that I’ve found to be most helpful to me. They might be helpful for you too.

• Meditate

Having a daily meditation practice has changed my life. When I signed up for a transcendental meditation initiation I had no idea I needed it so badly. I remember the teacher talk about the benefits of TM to ground yourself in the now, to find more inner peace, to reach a state of bliss. I believed in the benefits of meditation, but I was still skeptical.

After about a month of daily practice (two sessions of 20 minutes each, one in the morning and one late afternoon) things started shifting. I became more aware of myself, and my surrounding. My perception of time changed. Where I was always in a rush before, I suddenly had more than enough time for work and play. I started looking at productivity in a different way. The relentless pursuit of productivity, a byproduct of the dominant economic system based on never-ending growth, didn’t work for me anymore. I wanted – and needed – a system where work was fun, sustainable, soulful. One that would take me into account, without being only focused on the end result.

If you never meditated before, I want to invite you to try. There are plenty of apps and websites out there that will help you get started. Even five minutes a day will make a difference. If you do have a meditation practice, or if you’ve tried it before I want to encourage you not to give up. It took awhile for meditation to become a daily practice that I enjoy, but the benefits absolutely outweighed the effort.

• Take a break

Sometimes what we need to find our way back to the present moment is a break from our dreams. Yes, I know how this sounds 🙂 But I’ve done it a few times over the years, and it works.

Especially as multi-passionate creative women it’s so easy to fall in the trap of busyness, to ambitiously and relentlessly keep working towards what we want to achieve. The more we work on something, the more new ideas we have about all the other things we want to do. Soon enough it feels like we have no time left, the urgency sets in, we get overwhelmed.

When this happens, take a break. In the end, you don’t need to do anything. I repeat: you don’t need to do anything. There is no outside force pushing you to achieve the goals you set for yourself. The pressure you’re feeling comes from within. So give yourself a breather. Drop everything. Convince yourself that you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to (which is true by the way). Take some time to relax, have fun, enjoy the present moment. Soon enough you’ll be back on the saddle (you can’t help yourself) and slaying at those dreams again – in a more mindful way. I promise.

• Count your blessings

There’s no better way to enjoy the journey than to be grateful for what you already have. So much has been written and said about gratitude. There’s a good reason for that. Having a gratitude practice shifts your mindset over time. By giving yourself a few minutes to feel grateful every day you’re allowing positivity into your life. These few minutes add up over time, and ripple into every other aspect of your life.

There’s plenty of ways to be grateful. A popular one is to reflect on three things that made you happy at the end of the day. I’ve had that practice for a long time, but eventually found myself repeating the same things a bit too often. My gratitude practice now includes a few minutes of deep breathing, smiling, and thinking about one thing that makes me happy in my life or my business. Sometimes I’ll pause and do it a few times a day (the endorphin release is addictive!), other times I’ll pause when I’m walking down the street and feel the warmth of the Sun on my face. It doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you make it a conscious and consistent choice.

If you want more tips to get unstuck, I’ve got great news for you! This tip is part of a series, you can find all entries here.

How Stéphanie is bringing local farmers and families together

Stéphanie and I go way back. We met in high school. One beautiful Spring day we ended up sitting together in chemistry class. We hit it off right away. I loved hearing Stéphanie’s stories of the time she spent in Africa, her passion for nature and biology. Most of all I loved her big heart, positivity, and enthusiasm. After high school we lost touch, both went our separate ways building our lives. Then, many years later, when I launched my first online program Stéphanie enrolled. She was at a crossroads in her life (like so many multi-passionate creative women) and needed a change. For a full year she worked hard to discover what she really wanted for herself, and how to make her big dream come true. Here’s how she did it.

What was your big dream, and what inspired you to go after it?

My BIG dream was to be recognized for my work. To be part of society in an active way. To make a difference. I loved the idea to work together with others towards a goal, to belong to a community. My dream was to mean something to society, by doing something where you SEE the results. To be accepted for who I was, working together with like-minded people to create a better world. That’s why I became the representative of Boeren & Buren in my local community, and now run my own little company within the structure of “The Food Assembly”.

Did you always have this dream?

When I was a child I was already sensitive to injustice, and thinking of a better world in terms of pollution, and all the things we were doing to the environment. I could see that many things were wrong and could be done in a better way.

What was one of the first thing you did to get you started?

Taking part in your Dream Bigger Program! After my burn out I needed change. I wanted to rediscover myself, and change my world. You and your program were there at the right time for me. Being part of your program for a year was a big, transformative experience for me!

What were the biggest challenges you faced in working toward achieving your dream?

I knew I wanted change but I didn’t know what it was. I kept asking myself: “What do I really want?” and “What I am looking for?” It was hard to find the answers to these questions by myself. I realized I needed to take action in order to move forward. By showing up for myself, and doing the work I slowly got clear on what I wanted to do.

What do you wish you would have done differently? What would you warn others about?

What I could have done differently? Not wait so long to look for change! People were used to me always being available, ready to help. Somehow, I allowed them to take advantage of my positive attitude and personality. I was always there for others but not for myself. I missed the self-love part of life. I lived without listening to myself.

What I would say to others is that there’s a time to be there for others and there’s a time to be there for yourself, to love yourself, and it’s important in your life to listen to yourself more carefully!

Would you say you’ve achieved your big dream yet?

Not yet…it’s still growing, I can feel it! There are still some issues to overcome, and milestones to achieve. I’m going with the flow without forcing anything, simply “listening” to what the world is saying to me, and that is that I have to make decisions at the right time with the right people. You have to be attentive to what’s happening around you, to what the world wants to tell you… then take the opportunities when they cross your path.

What do you think helped you achieve it?

Listen to yourself. First you have to take care of yourself, be kind, be patient, go inwards. You have to be willing to listen to the questions you’re asking yourself, and to answer them. When you enroll in a program like yours you have to be willing do the work. Take enough time with your “me”.

You have to go for it. You might be scared because you think you can’t do something. But you need to go out of your comfort zone and trust the people who know you and support you, especially when they’re telling you to go for it!

What’s the best advice you have for others who want to follow their big dreams?

Trust yourself. It’s a bit like listening to yourself. You have to give yourself the tools to build your own story, you have to do the work required to build yourself up to the person you want to be so that you can have the life you want. Don’t get distracted with other people’s experiences or good advice, your experience is your unique path. Everyone is different. Make sure to surround yourself with people who can help you reach your goals. Keep on learning. Read books.

Stéphanie at a local market presenting the work of the Buurderij

More about Stéphanie – Buurderij Dilbeek

Stéphanie is mama to 3 adolescent sons. She has a bachelor’s degree in pharmaceutical and biological techniques. After 22 years in fertility and diabetes research, she turned her life around completely, and said farewell to the lab. Today she’s still in the environment of scientific research but in a different position. At the Veterinary Animalarium of the Free University of Brussels (ULB) she’s responsible for the technical aspects of research, manages a group of people, is the contact person for representatives, writes protocols. A social function that she really enjoys. Besides this full-time job, Stéphanie now runs her own small company within the structure of “The food assembly”. A lot of it is volunteer work, but the return offers her great satisfaction, knowing she’s bringing people together and making a difference in the world.

You can find out more about Stéphanie’s work with local farmers on her Facebook page

Stéphanie’s favorite quote is:

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you!

Stéphanie’s big dream for the world is:

Treat people right, and do it without expecting anything in return. It will come back to you in a positive way. Being true to your values, and respecting others is a win-win for everyone.

If you want more inspiring stories, I’ve got great news for you! This story is part of an interview series, you can find all entries here.

How to make a plan and stick with it

Being a multi-passionate creative women that has coached and mentored so many other multi-passionate creative women I dare to say that I know a thing or two about how we’re wired, and what we’re made of.

When it comes to ideas about all the things we want to create, we have plenty. In fact, until we learn to organize them in a meaningful way, our minds can be extremely crowded places. When it comes to taking action, we’re hard workers, ambitious, tenacious. There’s no question that when someone else hands us a plan, we put all our multi-passionate creative skills to work to make it happen.

But here’s the thing. So many of us do this for other people, but not ourselves.

We clearly have the talents to turn our own dreams into reality. Why then is it so hard for us to work on our own goals successfully?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times. I struggled with this issue for many years. Everyone that knows me will tell you that I’ve always been ambitious, hard working, passionate, creative. I’ve always had plenty of ideas too. Things I would learn, art I would make, products I would create. There was never a lack of inspiration. But I never acted on it. Or if I did, the momentum would quickly fade away, and I’d lose interest (or so I told myself).

The truth is, I didn’t have a plan. I’m not saying that planning is the only struggle multi-passionate creative women need to overcome – we’re much too complex for that – but what I am saying is that having a plan is a powerful step to turn our creative ideas into more tangible things, and eventually reality.

How to have a plan?

Planning is a multi-layered process that can be done in many different ways. To be effective I believe that your planning system does needs to have at least these three components.

• Write it down

A dream without a plan is just a dream. For the plan to come alive you need to write it down. It sounds trivial but I’ve seen it so many times. Multi-passionate creative women explaining all their ideas to me in so much detail and excitement, yet never actually writing them down – or acting on them. As soon as something finds its way onto paper though, unconscious processes get fired up and things start to materialize. I’m still amazed by it, but it works.

The way I encourage my clients to plan is first to get clear on their goals, then to take out a yearly calendar and map out when they’ll do what. This requires them to think about the steps, resources, time they’ll need to achieve their goals which – honestly – is the first step to achieve anything.

So find some time today to write down what you’ve been yearning to create. Then take out a calendar and map it out. You’ll be one step closer to your goals.

• Make it a habit

Planning is not a one-off thing. It’s a habit. Writing down the steps to achieve your goal on a calendar isn’t enough. You need to go back, cut the steps up into smaller, more actionable pieces, plan those pieces out in your monthly or weekly calendar, etc. Planning is the journey to the destination, it’s that big middle part between starting something and getting to the finish line. That’s why it needs to be a habit, and why you need to be consistent at it.

My planning habits include sitting down on Sunday afternoon to plan out the week ahead in my planner, a morning review of my todos for the day, and monthly reviews to make sure I’m on track and haven’t strayed from the path too much.

My habits might work for you, or they might not. One thing I know about the creative mind is that it doesn’t conform easily. You’ll have to find out what works for you. It might take you a while to get there. Even if you don’t have a planner, or hate your todo list, try to carve out some time every day to think about what type of planning might work for you, and try things out.

• Be flexible and gentle with yourself

There’s one big caveat to what I wrote above. When you’re working on creating a planning habit, be flexible and gentle with yourself. Don’t stockpile a million things on your to-do list every day. You’ll never get to the end of it, and will feel guilty for not getting there. Believe me, I speak from experience.

Planning isn’t about the amount of things you do (that’s productivity, we’ll get to that later in this series). Planning is about doing something consistently. One action every day, or every week. It’s about learning how your creativity works, and what she agrees to in terms of preparation. On my weekly planner for instance, I have two open days. Those are days I’m free to work on anything I want. I need that freedom in order to be able to sustain working three days based on a predefined schedule.

Find out what your creativity needs, and plan accordingly. But always be flexible, and gentle with yourself. The last thing you want is to feel guilty while working on your dreams.

If you want more tips to get unstuck, I’ve got great news for you! This tip is part of a series, you can find all entries here.

Why heartbreak can be a compass to find your purpose

Yesterday would have been my 9-year wedding anniversary. Although I’m still technically married, it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be officially divorced. By now I’m happy to say I’m over it. I’ve gone from breaking apart, trying to scrap myself together and off the floor, to standing up and building something new. As I was going through this process, I had plenty of time to feel, go through, and think about heartbreak.

I’ve learned that it’s real. A pressing pain pushing your heart from the inside out. I’ve learned that it’s heavy. A weight you can’t ignore, and that must be carried for as long as takes. Obvious things of which I never grasped the depth until I went through them myself.

But as I was licking my wounds and healing, I learned something else about heartbreak. That’s what I want to talk about today.

Heartbreak isn’t the first place where you’d look for meaning, in fact it’s quite the opposite. When dealing with the end of a romantic relationship, or any events that breaks your heart, finding strength in that moment to give your life meaning is often the last thing on our mind. Heartbreak isn’t seen as a spark to ignite transformation, to lead to a purpose driven life. Most of us don’t want heartbreak, we don’t want grief, we do our best to avoid this type of pain. Yet, there’s Glennon Doyle Melton, telling us to allow our pain to become our power. And there’s Eckhart Tolle talking about how each disaster is also an opening. And there’s also Marianne Williamson teaching us to navigate through our suffering, not hide from it.

Glennon Doyle Melton is not your typical #1 New York Times bestselling author. For almost 20 years, she battled bulimia (from when she was eight), alcoholism and drug abuse. After she unexpectedly became pregnant, she decided to show up for herself, to stop numbing the pain she had been feeling for so long. She got her life back on track, got married and had more children. She went on to share her story and built an online community around her, but life had another punch to throw at her – in therapy, her husband confessed he’d been unfaithful for their entire marriage.

It was after this new heartbreaking moment that Glennon fully understood pain, and it all started with  a quote by Pema Chödrön from the book When Things Fall Apart:

If you can sit with the hot loneliness for 1.6 seconds today when yesterday you could only sit with it for 1, then that is the journey of the warrior.

That’s when she figured out that we’re not what happens to us, but we might be what we do next; that pain is not something that needs to be fixed, but the price for love. If we manage to get ourselves to sit with our pain for a bit, we grow stronger. Heartbreak isn’t something we must avoid at all costs, heartbreak is where who we currently are becomes who the world desperately needs us to be.

Glennon realized that hitting rock bottom has its gifts, but also that not everyone is strong enough to sit with loneliness and pain. When we don’t know how to be still with it, we have to pass it on.

If instead of passing it on, we accept pain as part of life, and stop fearing it and feeling ashamed that we’re dealing with it, we’ll discover, as Marianne Williamson says, that we ‘can have a more expanded life because your heart and mind have also been expanded’. We don’t feel pain only when we’re going through something difficult or traumatizing, pain can show up when we witness injustice, read the news or even take a look around us. Glennon Doyle Melton thinks that if we find the thing that breaks our heart, we’ll find our purpose.

I so agree with this idea.

From experience I know that when something breaks my heart one way or another it matters to me, even if I don’t want to admit it. When my husband left me that’s exactly what it felt like. This was an important moment, a turning point. I had no control over the situation, but I could bring meaning to it. Being willing to step towards the pain instead of running away from it was powerful. I remembered who I am, and what I stand for. I renewed the vows I’d made to myself to live a fulfilling, joyful, courageous life. It allowed me (and still does) to move toward changing the things that cause me pain. In my life, but also in the world.

By focusing on the meaning instead of the pain, I found a deeper sense of purpose.

I’d love to know if you’ve ever had your heart broken, and how you made sense of it. If you feel like sharing, please let me know in the comments below. And if you’re currently going through a tough time, remember that you’re not alone and take a moment to watching this beautiful, inspiring speech Glennon Doyle Melton gave earlier this year.