#2 Overcome your fears: reprogram your nervous system
Podcast transcript:
You know that feeling, when the voice in your head never shuts up, when it only says negative things and works out doomsday scenarios about everything that can and WILL go wrong in your life, your work, or during the birthday party of that coworker you kind of like, and that you have to go to next week and are already stressing about?
Maybe it's not doomsday scenarios swirling around in your mind, maybe you’re just an eternal doubter. As soon as you've made a decision that little voice in your head starts rattling on about all the things you're going to lose by choosing, asking yourself if you're sure a week in Venice is going to be better than a week in Croatia, because surely it would be cheaper and probably warmer.
Or maybe that voice is mostly concerned with everything that is wrong with you, and likes to list your flaws, especially after you’ve done something, like when you’ve had a nice conversation with the neighbor. As soon as that conversation is over, the voice starts pointing out all the things you said that were wrong, or wonders about that strange look you got from the neighbor, surely you must have done something to make her look at you like that.
If you're anything like I used to be, chances are that your fears are holding you back from moving forward, keeping you stuck in a place you don't really want to be: in a job you hate, in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, living next door to a neighbor who won't tolerate a sound and has been making your life miserable for years, in a life that's way too small for you but that you don't dare step out of for fear of not being good enough, that it won't work out, and especially because you're afraid of what other people will think and say of you.
If you recognize yourself in what I just said, then this episode is for you, because today I want to talk about how to overcome your fears and anxiety, and the important role that reprogramming your nervous system plays in doing so.
If you knew me, say, ten years ago, when you saw me you would have thought that I had it all together. I was building a business, I was driven, I didn't shy away from a professional challenge, but the truth is… I wasn't happy. On the outside everything seemed ok, but on the inside I was miserable. Without realizing it, I was afraid of everything. I was a people-pleaser, a perfectionist, I did everything I could not to make people around me angry. I never really said what I thought and acted based on what I thought I should do and not on what I really wanted. By the way, this was something I didn't know at that time, because I’d been so focused on the needs of others for so long. That’s how I behaved, but then there were my thoughts. If you’d been inside my head you’d have heard nothing but negative self talk and criticism. About everything and everyone. But especially about me and all my shortcomings. The voice in my head was super critical. Nothing about me was right, nothing I did was ever good enough. As a result, I lived under constant stress and anxiety, with cortisol levels, hormone stress levels, that were through the roof.
I remember one time when I reluctantly went to a friends’ wedding party. I didn’t want to go but my partner at the time wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s true that when you’re always anxious, social occasions are a reason to panic even more and fret in advance. All evening I’d tried to find my self-confidence at the bottom of a glass of wine. I sat at a table with 7 people I didn’t know, other than my then partner, and I did my best to have a conversation with the persons sitting next to me. But I’d been so stressed beforehand that I was just one big anxious mess. The whole evening felt awkward, I was super nervous and insecure. Then, a few weeks later, when I saw my friend again, he told me everyone liked me.
All of this to say that one of the consequences of going through life so anxious and worried, is that you think you’re never good enough because of the feelings in your inner world. In reality, what you feel isn't true at all and people often perceive you completely differently!
It’s been more than a decade since that wedding party, and since my journey of self-development began. I’m happy to report that it’s now pretty quiet and calm in my head. Sometimes it will still become a bit loud or chaotic, especially when stressful obligations come together, an important deadline is lurking around the corner or I experience something negative like someone treating me badly or being mean to me for no good reason. But even those experiences don’t keep me worried for long anymore. And how that amazing change happened is what I’m going to share with you now.
Of course, there are many things at play when we’re anxious but still, anxiety is mainly due to our nervous system and our beliefs and thoughts. Below many anxious and stressful thoughts is fear.
Now fear is an evolutionary phenomenon: our brains have evolved to see and remember danger. Long ago, when humanity was just emerging and we roamed the plains of the savannah, a quick fight-or-flight response to a moving branch or a wild animal in the distance could mean the difference between life and death.
Following Darwin's theories about the natural selection and evolution of species, only our ancestors with the fastest "fear" reflexes survived. This sensitivity, translated as fear, is the legacy that these survivors passed on to their children and ultimately to us. And this is precisely where the problem lies. What was once an incredibly useful tool for survival is struggling to adapt to a completely changed world.
Our brain and nervous system are still on high alert and ready to respond to life-threatening stimuli and dangers, only there aren't many left anymore. At least not in the shape or form they used to be. Because a lot of our modern issues, our lifestyle, the pressure to perform at work and to be successful, stress, wanting to keep up with the Joneses, money and the thoughts of potentially losing it are things that our brains can respond to as if it were danger.
My point is: you can take the person out of the savannah, but you can't get the fight-or-flight response out of the person. As we evolved as humans, in addition to a reptilian brain (the oldest part of our brain), the part that responds so well to danger, our brains gained two new parts: the limbic system or our emotional brain and the neocortex or rational brain. It’s a wonderful evolution that has equipped us with all three of these parts. They make us agile, sensitive and smart beings all at the same time.
The problem is that communication between these amazing brain parts is not always smooth. The reptilian brain naturally stays on the lookout for danger, and its reactions, whether its a tiger or a mother-in-law, are of the "act first, think later" kind. The neocortex, on the other hand, is the part of our brain that helps us make sense of the world, see structures and systems, organize our thoughts and feelings. And here lies the problem.
When the reptilian brain senses danger, the neocortex wants to "understand" what the danger is or where it is coming from. Whenever there’s a physical trigger, the neocortex wants to explain it. In that "translation," a lot is lost.
Maybe your heart rate goes up and you start sweating a little because someone just made a comment about you, because you will soon have a meeting with your toxic boss who never lets you speak up, would like to go on vacation with your rich friends but don't have the money for it, or have to submit a report to your manager but are afraid it won't be perfect ... in all of these cases, our reptile brain and nervous system are going to react immediately to our body's stress response. This response can (and often will) be misinterpreted by our neocortex - and after a while, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It doesn’t even need to be a negative experience to cause a fight-or-flight response. If you start sweating and get a little excited when you have to go on stage to deliver a speech, or when you’re about to have a date with someone you really like, your neocortex might interpret your somatic responses as a sign of danger.
By the way, this is where anxiety and excessive worrying come from. Our thinking brain wonders why we’re sweating and breathing faster and concludes that what we’re thinking, have done or want to do is dangerous. And also - of course - that all the thoughts we’re having are simply true. So if you want to do something about your fears and your worrying, it makes sense to start with your thoughts, i.e. your brain, and your nervous system. I’ll talk about how to deal with your thoughts and reprogram your brain in a later episode of this podcast. Today I want to focus mainly on the nervous system.
Every time our nervous system picks up signals from our body that indicate stress, especially when the neocortex goes out of its way to create a doomsday scenario about it, we get scared because we interpret the response of our nervous system as (unconscious) danger. Speaking in public, delivering a report that is not perfect, doing against what the group thinks, going on a date, setting a boundary against a difficult colleague, conflict. It all feels dangerous.
As long as you act on that sense of danger, you will continue to get and stay stuck.
One of my favorite quotes, and by now a motto of mine, is this: you can't think yourself out of anything, eventually you have to go out and do it! You also can't get really good at something (outside of worrying and overthinking) just by thinking about it. Everything takes practice, more practice, and patience. The same is true for your nervous system. You can think all you want about how you're going to set that boundary against that co-worker, but until you actually do it and convince your nervous system that "no, it won't kill you to set a boundary" you'll continue to avoid doing it out of fear.
A good example of this is that of Nora, an incredible young woman who came to me because she was so anxious to talk to other people that she lost her voice at every job interview. Throughout her coaching journey, Nora has actively sought ways to expose herself and especially her nervous system to the things she was afraid of. She didn't shy away from any "experiments," as I like to call them, that I gave her.
One week she had to strike up a conversation every day with someone she didn't know, another week she had to ask a difficult question to someone in the supermarket, and another week she had to address a group of at least three people. Step by step, Nora took on the challenge of reprogramming her nervous system to increase her comfort zone and reduce her fears. In the end, she succeeded so well that when I asked her to address a packed room at the launch of my first book, she said yes. Her speech was fantastic and she looked amazing delivering it with confidence and humor!
In my own life, I’ve been consciously working for years at eliminating my fears and anxieties this way. It takes time, I'm not going to lie, it’s like eating an elephant (this is just an example, please don’t eat elephants), you do it bit by bit, not in one go. Every step you take works the same way: it helps a little bit until one day you’re not afraid of something anymore..
So much so that at the end of each episode of this podcast I'll give you a "fuck it, let's do it! Experiment" that you can try out for the week. I also really want you to let me know how it goes, so be sure to send me a message or to share on instagram @muriellemarie.
Because we live in a world that imposes all kinds of things on us and demands so much from us, every week I'm also going to give you a small act of resistance - a little act of daily rebellion as I like to call them, so that you can start living a little less for others and a little more for yourself. Because let's face it, we all do that way too much. Don’t we?
Ok, that’s it for this first episode, or almost. Before I go, here’s the "Fuck it, let's do it!" experiment of the week: today, listen carefully to your internal monologue. Focus on something the voice inside your head says that sounds negative about yourself, e.g. "You’re always late," "you’re not athletic," "you could never do that." Let your intuition guide you in choosing 1 negative statement that you know is not helpful. For example: "I never finish anything" or "no one likes me" or "I'm not good at math" or “I’ll fail”.
I chose "my book sucks". Lately, as I am working on the last chapter of my new book, this thought has been bothering me a lot and causing me anxiety. I know it’s just nerves, but it keeps popping back up into my mind and I feel how it’s holding me back from communicating about my book more, when I should be doing the exact opposite.
Once you've chosen your statement, think of one small step that can convince your nervous system that “no, this is not a true statement, and you’re not in danger”. For me, it’s: sharing the first chapter of my book with at least 3 people and asking them for feedback (omg, I'm so scared!). So, that's it for this week! If you feel like sharing your experiment with me or if you're not sure what a good experiment might be for you, don't hesitate to send me a message.
One more thing, this week's small act of rebellion if you feel like taking the challenge on: ask more questions. When someone says something you don't understand, don't agree with, or question your job is simply to… ask questions. In a meeting, with friends, even against yourself alone. Dare to question what is being said (with respect to others' opinions of course) and see what happens.
So, that’s really it for today! Thanks for listening, have fun and talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you’re not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
