#3 Get more out of your brain by cultivating a relationship with it
Podcast transcript:
Welcome to a new episode of this podcast. The first time I spoke about the subject of today with my best friend Silvia, I really thought she was finally going to believe I was crazy. Now, Silvia and I go way back, we studied philosophy together, we lived in the same dorm, shared many ups and downs over a few decades now, so let’s say we know each other pretty well. But still :)
The thing is, in recent years I’ve worked hard to build a relationship with my brain. Today, I believe we understand each other pretty well and have a lot to gain from working together as a team, so I’d say we have a great relationship, my brain and I. But this wasn’t always the case. The ‘thinking me’, back then, thought that every thought was true but also that I was that brain. What do I mean by that? And now comes the part that I thought Silvia would call me crazy about. The thinking me that inhabits my head, and my brain, are not the same thing.
Neuroscientists have known this for some time. Our mind and our brain are two different things. Our mind works through and thanks to our brain, it’s also inseparable from it, but it is definitely different. Although I knew this theoretically, like with so many things, it was an unusual moment of insight that completely convinced me of this truth. I’d been mulling over a difficult issue for days, a romantic relationship breakup that was rocky and that I couldn’t simply get out of because of shared assets. I was quite anxious and had continuous negative thoughts.
The problem was that I was going around in circles, each question answered by another, even more terrifying one. "Should I meet up with him?" "Yes, but then, what if he does this or that?" "What if he becomes unreasonable?" "What if you can’t hold it anymore and snap at him?" “What if?” You get the picture. It got so bad that for a few weeks I didn’t sleep more than a few hours a night, lying awake in bed asking myself the same questions over and over and over again. Until I decided, without really knowing what I was doing, to leave it to my brain. I was so tired and exhausted that in a sense I gave up, or at least I felt like I was letting go. "Let’s just see what happens," I told myself.
In that moment, a sense of peace came over me and the thoughts that had been plaguing me for weeks were suddenly gone. That night I was finally able to sleep again. And then, when I woke up the next morning, I had my answer, or at least a big part of it. I knew with sufficient certainty what to do and took the first steps to get out of the negative situation I was in.
At that time I didn’t know that I’d given my brain (or subconscious mind) the task of solving the problem for me, the conscious thinking part of me. But I knew something important had happened when I decided to let go. I gave my brain more room to come up with other solutions, rather than the compulsive thoughts my mind was full of.
You see, the mind uses the brain, and the brain responds to the mind. Our mind changes our brain as well. It’s the brain that provides our conscious experiences, but it is we who choose our actions. Our brains don't do that, they don't force us to do anything. We do. Our mind thus stimulates our thoughts. Every time we "think" something, our neuroplastic brain is going to respond to it.
For those who don’t know what neuroplasticity is, it essentially means that our brain continuously adapts according to the input it receives and the impressions it has. Really exciting stuff to be honest. The part that I find most incredible is that when the brain adapts, new brain pathways form, or brain pathways are modified, which - tada - can create new thoughts.
What actually happens the moment we let go of the problem or anxious thought we’re stuck with is a bit like what John Kounios and Mark Beeman talk about in their book the Eureka Factor. In the book, they investigate how we get creative insights and aha moments. Turns out most of those moments happen when we're relaxed, doing things that don't require too much brain power or when our brains aren't fully awake or focused on a task.
What’s special about eureka moments is that they are preceded by a moment of deep despair, or at least of feeling completely stuck and not knowing what to do. Insight doesn’t come when you want it but just when you’re not thinking about it. This is one of the reasons why it’s so difficult to figure out how aha moments occur. What’s clear is that you have to have enough information about what the question you’re looking to answer. Then it pays off to give your brain the task, the time, and the space to work with all that (mostly unconscious) information.
I believe that a relationship with our brain is not only great to have amazing aha moments. From experience, I believe you can work in the same way to make a lot of things clear to yourself. At some point, thinking about a problem you have, or a decision you need to make becomes counterproductive. You run around in circles. That's when I let my brain take the lead and start doing something else.
For example, after a long time of hesitation and questioning myself, I suddenly had an absolutely perfect insight into what to do with my next book. The question I had been asking myself for so long was whether I should self-publish it (because of negative experiences with publishers in the past) or work with a publisher after all. Meanwhile, that book is almost done and will be published soon. What's so great about the insight I had (and I'll leave you in the dark about what it turned out to be for now - every story needs a good cliffhanger) is that nothing changed about the long pro and con list I’d been tinkering with for weeks. But one morning, as I stood under a hot shower I suddenly "knew" what was right for me to do. Without a doubt.
That’s why a relationship with my brain is so important. Not my active mind (although I love that part of my brain too) but with the whole, aka the source of all the knowledge, experiences, decisions and insights I’ve accumulated throughout my life. Now, does that mean you should leave every decision this way to your brain? No, of course not. Does that mean you should never actively work on a problem, project or idea. Of course you should! But it does mean that we can learn how to better manage our thoughts and actions in cooperation with our brain. And not against it.
We can really learn to have control over our thoughts (I'll come back to this in a further episode of this podcast), but there’s also definitely room for improvement when it comes to how we use our brain power.
Instead of fretting and constantly asking yourself the same questions until you're in a mental cramp that you can't get out of, why not instruct your brain to work with the problem. Instead of consciously overthinking and going around in circles, why not prompt your unconscious mind to look for solutions. That’s the relationship I’ve developed (and continue to develop) with my brain.
I used to be an anxious person who questioned everything: "didn't I say something stupid?" after a conversation with someone at a networking event, "shouldn't I have reacted this way instead of that way?" when I answered someone enthusiastically or firmly, "am I doing it right?" about almost everything I did... I could literally feel the worrying: like buzzing bees in my head, just behind my forehead. Especially with conflict, I could get really anxious, which also made it impossible for me to assess the facts correctly. After all, everything was always my fault, no matter how bad or unfairly someone had treated me.
When I realized that I could engage my brain to help look for solutions, the bees went looking for a new hive and it became quiet in my head. Now, I’ve mastered the technique well so that I only start worrying when there are "big" moments of stress or trauma happening in my life, but even those are much less intense than before. But so, how to cultivate a relationship with your brain and give your brain the time and space to come up with solutions for you? It's pretty simple, you just need some practice, and patience. Like everything else, it works better the more you work on it, it's like a muscle you have to exercise. However, you can feel relief or more peace of mind from the very first time you try. The simplest way to do it is to instruct your brain to think about a problem, to sit back and relax while your brain finds a solution.
So, that's it for this, yes, second episode. Before I say goodbye, I'd like to give you the "Fuck it, let's do it!" experiment of the week: think about something you've been thinking about for a long time and can't seem to find an answer to. No matter what it is, the important thing is that you've been thinking about it for a while and can't seem to figure it out.
When you’ve got something, ask your brain to go to work for you this week. Each time you think of the problem or issue again, remind yourself that you don't have to solve it for a while and let it go. For me, that will be this week: deciding on the first project I'm going to work on for my business in the new year. There are a few on the horizon and I just can’t seem to figure out what to do first. So brain, please get to work and figure it out!
Before I go, and only if you feel up to it, here’s a little act of daily rebellion to take with you into the week as well. This week, whenever you hear someone gossip about someone else, don’t participate. Instead, speak up about it, and let the person who wasn’t in the room know someone is speaking ill behind their backs. Gossip is a way for low power people to manipulate and bring damage to others. It’s a form of bullying, it's dehumanizing, selfish and in the world I want to live in, there’s no room for that type of behavior. Let’s muster the courage to rebel against it.
If you feel like sharing your experiment or phone bravery with me or if you're not sure what a good experiment might be for you, don't hesitate to send me a message. Thanks for listening, have fun and talk to you next week!
Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you’re not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.
