How to define success for yourself

We spend a big part of our lives doing as we’re told. We’re learning from teachers, peers, books and the world. This is called social conditioning. We can’t help it. We get rewarded and punished as children. Ultimately we want to feel safe, loved and like we belong. That follows us into adulthood. This is important to know as we look to define success on your own terms – what it means to us often takes shape from what we’re taught.

Go to school, find a partner, get a career (and not just any career). Then comes marriage, the house with picket fences, a dog, 2.4 children. Today, many of these milestones (especially the material ones) are out the window for a lot of people (who can afford a mortgage on a million-dollar home in the city!?).

Likewise, success changed over time. If we only focus on success as a monetary measure – or define our worth based on our professional achievements – we risk never finding satisfaction in what we do, or who we are.

Today, no one stays at one job for their lifetime. Houses in major cities are expensive, and there’s a palpable spiritual restlessness, a nagging voice that keeps on asking: “are you truly happy with the ‘success’ you have right now?”

For many, the answer is “no”. I know it was for me.

Until I was forced to awaken to the truth of my professional life: I was living someone else’s dream. I was making money but I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more out there for me.

What followed was a 10-year Odysseus-like trip back home – a journey, both physical and internal, that turned my social conditioning upside down. The journey required reflection, struggle, and for me to create my own version of success based on my own desires, rather than grasping for other people’s definitions.

Some things you have to figure out.

I want you to take a transformative journey through what success means to you. To define success on your own terms you must look at…

#1 Your Why

Why is success important to you and what will that look like? What will happen if you keep the same definition of success you’ve been taught, will it lead you down a happy road?

#2 Your Values

What beliefs are non-negotiable on your journey to success? Freedom from guilt? Freedom from your parents? Joy? Determination? More work hours? Do you sacrifice time with family? Your health? What do you value?

#3 Your Talents

Reflect on your talents and where you felt most successful. Was it problem-solving something no one else could? Was it getting creative? Are you a great speaker or researcher?

#4 What Brings You Joy

What truly made you happy and joyful the last time you felt successful?

The way you love to spend your time means knowing that time is the new currency you cannot buy. The past is gone and you only have now (you can’t control the future, it hasn’t even happened yet!). How are you spending your time?

Who you like to surround yourself with – we often hear about toxic behaviours, problematic friends but setting boundaries so you feel you can participate in healthy and reciprocal relationships means assessing who you surround yourself with, and clearing space if necessary.

What brings you rest, feeds your soul – when are you in the flow? When does happiness come easy to you? Who’s with you in those moments, and what are you doing?

Those are all clues into what success means to you, and how you can create it for yourself. Success is not a singular thing or material object. In fact, there’s not enough money in the world to buy your way into it.

True success is a way of life.

Michelle Obama said, “Success isn’t how much money you make but how much of a difference you make in people’s lives.” The first person this applies to is yourself.

How much difference are you making in YOUR life?

Then, there’s a bigger dimension.

We forget how important it is to place the individual within a community. Self-development and concepts like success can get individualistic. But you can apply your talents and skills towards a higher purpose. Be sure to open your eyes from the social conditioning of society, parents, and capitalism that tells you what you should do.

Question everything by being discerning and compassionate.

From all of this, you can truly start to design your own life. Like Ulysses in Homer’s epic story, venturing into a new land, without a home or identity and struggling to both establish one and avoid one at the same time.

Your identity and relationship with “success” can evolve on this journey.

You can have a past, but it doesn’t have to define your future.

How Sandra became a life coach and creator of the encouragement box

When Sandra reached out to me I instantly felt a deep connection. As a true multi-passionate creative she spoke straight to my heart and soul. What inspires me most about Sandra is her strength and resilience. I know how difficult it can be to try and fit as a multi-talented human in conventional life, and career. Sandra is proof that it’s possible. She’s not only creative but also truly passionate about creating. As an encouragement coach and the creator of the Encouragement Box, Sandra is paving the way for more joy and happiness in this world!

What was your big dream, and what inspired you to go after it?

My big dream was to have my own subscription box and to make many, if not all, of the items in the box. 

Did you always have this dream?

No, this was not a dream I always had. Once I was in the process, I remembered making things and sending them to people as part of a challenge and thinking it was fun. Receiving a lot of positive feedback also helped! This dream grew out of my desire to encourage and nurture other women, and my own love for subscription boxes. I love the element of surprise you get with a subscription box.

What was one of the first things you did to get you started?

I made lots of lists of possible products to include and researched different models. At first, I planned to fill the box with items I procured from other businesses, but I shifted to making most of the items myself and including a membership site with additional resources to encourage and inspire.

What were the biggest challenges you faced in working toward achieving your dream?

The biggest challenge is to keep going and resist the urge to quit. It is so easy to quit when the uncomfortable feelings come – the fear, the self-doubt… but it is so exciting to push through those feelings and do the thing you set out to do.

What do you wish you would have done differently? What would you warn others about?

This is such a learning process. I might have a different answer to this question in another three months. At this point, I’d say, I wish I had trusted myself more.  Some of my initial instincts, I ignored, then spent some time doing research, considering other options, and came back around to my first idea! Maybe that needed to happen, but I could have saved time and energy if I had trusted myself more.

Would you say you’ve achieved your big dream yet?

Yes! I definitely have a subscription box that is designed to encourage and nurture women! I would be thrilled to see it grow and reach more women. I would love to see it catch on to create more of a culture of encouragement and inspiration rather than the criticism and negativity which seems so prevalent at times.

What do you think helped you achieve it?

Breaking it into small steps. Having a supportive coach, family, and friends.

The joy I felt with each step forward – I love making the items that go into the box. Then, when it is time to package them and close the boxes, I literally sit there with a smile on my face, because I am so happy to be doing what I am doing. 

The driving desire to serve and help others.

What’s the best advice you have for others who want to follow their big dreams?

Don’t wait. Figure out the step you can take today, and start moving toward that dream. You will be so glad you did. Ask for help from experts. I was so surprised and touched at how generous others were with sharing their knowledge with me. Also, I think it helps to journal about your dream and think about it. What you give your attention to grows!

More about Sandra – sandrawald.com

Sandra is obsessed with helping Christian women become more fully who they are meant to be – by supporting them in developing their creativity and waking up any dormant gifts or talents. If you are a Christian woman, and you feel like you have been waiting for someone to vouch for you, to say that you are gifted, and you should use your creativity, wait no longer. I believe it – you are gifted, and you are meant to use your creativity.

Don’t hesitate to get in touch with Sandra! You can do so through her website at sandrawald.com or on Instagram @sandra_wald.

Sandra’s favourite quote is:

You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have. – Maya Angelou

Sandra’s big dream for the world is:

I would love to see more women embracing their creative gifts and using them, following their dreams, telling their stories. What if it were normal to follow a creative dream and not strange or exceptional? What if ideas were more often met with encouragement and help brain-storming instead of criticism? I would love to see that happen.

If you want more inspiring stories, I’ve got great news for you! This story is part of an interview series, you can find all entries here.

3 easy steps to help you change careers

Hitting that metaphorical 9-to-5 wall, Groundhog Day, running on a hamster wheel of mindless work – choose a career cliché for how you’re feeling right now. Ok, so now what? 

You’re ready for a more dramatic change this year, and not just something small or incremental. It’s a new decade, and the pressure of a new decade living the same ten years all over again is not unusual for a perfectionist and overachiever – we do love to hold onto things.

Did you forget all of your accomplishments? Your efforts and achievements? 

You might be letting the inner critic ring it’s a bell on the hour every hour, and you might even be feeling confused about what your next step is, you’ve stopped dead – I get this all the time from my clients. You’re stuck, but you notice you really don’t want to feel that way anymore. Going through another year of the same thing is no longer an option, too much anxiety and overwhelm live there. 

How do you reclaim your power and take the next step mentally?

Guidance

Chances are you have some inclination towards change – you feel a tug, an itch or a pull. This emotional or internal guidance is there and it’s getting louder. You might worry about leaving where you are now will open the floodgates of new challenges, discomforts, or pessimism. However, from my experience, living in the past does that, but so does keeping the same routine on autopilot. Which do you prefer? Not nourishing your desires allows fear to grow instead.

There’s no “perfect” way to break through fear. There’s only taking one step at a time. It can be messy. Fear never really goes away, but it can be channelled into action. 

Human emotions are important messengers. Resistance is one tell-all sign that growth is necessary and the universe will eventually kick you out of your seat if you delay. That or you might be feeling the downside in your health, relationships, or stress levels. 

This is certainly true for me – and so many of my clients. One way fear keeps showing up for me is in disguise: perfectionism, procrastination, too much research, waiting for that moment when I’ll finally be *ready*. 

The problem is, that day usually NEVER comes.

That’s why those difficult emotions require reframing; you might not have the answers, but on the flip side to those emotions are opportunity, discovery, and change. You just need to hop over that fence (even in those fabulous new heels you’re wearing).

Does my Dream Job Really Exist?

Ultimately, it’s important to accept the fact there will never be the “perfect” job out there for you that will meet 100% of your needs, 100% of the time. And that’s okay! A lot of my clients get pretty darn close. One left her office job to train and become a trailguide around the world.

How do you know you’re ready for your career breakthrough this year? Here are 3 tell-tale signs:

#1 Acknowledge and investigate that itch.

Recognize there is a better job (or lifestyle) than the one you’re currently in, which you have yet to discover. Acknowledge that overwhelm, stress, and frustration of being undervalued and unappreciated where you are, is no way to live. 

A lot of people are unsatisfied where there are more than are willing to admit. The difference between you and most people is you want to do something about the itch. You can’t clock watch and go home to slump on your couch watching Netflix forever. You know you want to feel different – more energy, joy, laughter, perhaps even working outdoors. 

You have to be open to admitting your needs, to follow that “what-if” so that you can discover what you truly want to do, plan for it, and eventually take that leap!

#2 Reunite with what you enjoy.

what do you enjoy doing and what legacy do you want to leave behind? Who are you and where did you come from? What makes you laugh and what brought you true joy as a child? What do you enjoy doing most where the time goes by unnoticed? These are the deeper self-reflective questions you want to answer as you come to terms with the idea that yes, you will be acting on a change sometime in the near future. 

When we’ve become accustomed to something for so long it’s easy to mistake it as comfortable. Detachment becomes confused with familiar. You might be on autopilot and bored, but fall back on the justification that this is just the way it is. It shouldn’t be! 

If you don’t feel joy, you have to ask yourself why you’re allowing it? Perhaps you need to work through feelings of worthiness and give yourself permission to plan and change your life trajectory. You too can make a #Megxit from the dysfunctional royal family. 

#3 You’re open to change

You’re determined, curious, and open-minded. You want (and maybe have) to try something new. What you’re currently in is definitely a “no”, a temporary blip in your important larger journey towards a more meaningful life. You desire something, perhaps you know or perhaps you want to find it, and that something is not waiting for you at the desk you currently loiter at or the meeting room you constantly yawn through. 

You have achievements, networks, and support; you also have ideas and dreams that have been ignored. Understanding how action can turn those ideas is the next step – and it’s closer than you think. 

If you feel like you’re going through a breakthrough then you’re ready to get your hands dirty. Don’t fight it, embrace it and acknowledge the feelings behind it, not just mentally and emotionally but also physically through action, even if a small step forward. You can no longer waste time resisting the message. Or else, experience eternal déjà vu as you watch others live the life you want to be living, and that’s no way to live at all! You have so much to offer the world. Stop dimming your inner light.

In the end, you can’t break through without letting go. You have to make space to embrace the new. Your future life is waiting for you, one that’s more soulful, enjoyable and true to the real you, and not the one you feel you have to be for others. 

You know you are an overachiever who’s multi-talented and creative – that genius in you is sitting dormant. If you’re ready, I’d love to hear about your dreams. 

Fear or not, you can’t say “no” to that inner voice any longer.

How Ruslana became Rome’s go-to make-up artist

Ruslana is a professional make-up artist and hair stylist, currently based in Rome, Italy. I met Ruslana when I was in Rome in 2015 for a branding photoshoot (my first one!) with the incredibly talented Wendy Yalom. Ruslana and I connected right away. Her positive attitude, and enthusiasm were contagious! Not to mention her incredible talent! Since that first photoshoot, Ruslana has been my go-to make-up artist for my signature retreats in Paris. Ruslana is a dream to work with, and is starting to make her mark as the bridal expert of Italy. 

What was your big dream, and what inspired you to go after it?

When I was a child, I wanted to become an artist. I always felt inspired by colour and use different techniques to create something beautiful. When I grew up, I chose a career as a makeup artist so I could make brides-to-be beautiful. It’s such a wonderful feeling, to be able to just do what I love every day.

I’ve always wanted to work for myself. I never wanted to work for someone else, or have a boss telling me what to do. That’s why I love my job and why I’m so happy to be my own boss. I love the freedom I have from working as a freelancer.

Did you always have this dream?

I’ve always wanted to create things. I loved having “projects” and making things. In primary school I was always the one who wanted to organize work for the whole class, I was always creating. So yes, frankly speaking, I had entrepreneurship and leadership in me from childhood.

What was one of the first thing you did to get you started?

When I decided to turn my passion for make-up and hair styling into a business, the first thing I did was to invest in a website so I could show my skills to actual customers, not only to friends or my family. It was a big thing for me because at the beginning, I was a little shy, uneasy about showing myself to the world like that.

I think my talent pushed me to start. I was never scared to touch the face of a woman with my brushes. It felt so natural to me. Along the way, with all the support I’ve received from people that I didn’t even know, I understood this was what I should do with my life.

What were the biggest challenges you faced in working toward achieving your dream?

My biggest challenge was definitely breaking the language barrier. As all my clients are foreigners or mostly English speaking couples, I needed to learn English enough so I could explain my concepts, makeup ideas, hair styling vision and so… That was a huge issue for me at the beginning. But I knew that I could do it, and that it was necessary to achieve my dream. I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This interview, alongside my growing business, are proof that it’s true. 

What do you wish you would have done differently? What would you warn others about?

I’m happy about my life and about all the opportunities I’ve had. I wouldn’t change anything. I just wish I started sooner. I wish I could go back to my ”younger” self and tell her:  “Just do what you really love!”

Would you say you’ve achieved your big dream yet?

No. There is always something bigger, right there behind the corner… so why stop here?

What do you think helped you achieve it?

Having a supportive husband and family. 

Without support, entrepreneurship can be really lonely, not to mention hard. Having someone to talk to when things don’t go as planned, or simply be able to share ideas and get a different perspective can be so valuable. I’m really blessed to have people in my life who care, and that I can always go to.

What’s the best advice you have for others who want to follow their big dreams?

Not to be scared, to do what they want and just to follow their dreams. It seems banal but self-esteem is still very important. Women need to know their value. To believe in themselves. Because once they do they become unstoppable.

Start doing something and never quit!

More about Ruslana – ruslanaregi.com

Ruslana offers luxury bridal services, and travels around the country (and the world) for destination weddings. She loves her job so much that it never feels like a real job, it’s her personal mission to know your wedding vision inside and out and give you the bridal look you’ve always dreamed about.

Ruslana participated in various small and big projects (one of them was for Lamborghini). Currently Ruslana collaborates with many world-famous brands and celebrities like Alana Masterson, Bijou Philips, Anfisa Chekhova, Anna Sedokova. Her work was published in international magazines such as Elle Bulgaria, L’officiel Latvia, Muaclub, wedding blogs, and Paris fashion week.

Don’t hesitate to get in touch with Ruslana! She loves connecting with women from around the world. You can do so through her website at ruslanaregi.com or on Instagram @ruslanaregi.

Ruslana’s favourite quote is:

Always remember: Life is for enjoying.
– Abraham Lincoln

Ruslana’s dream for the world is:

To make this world much happier and open-minded. Let’s stop judging and let people live their lives.

If you want more inspiring stories, I’ve got great news for you! This story is part of an interview series, you can find all entries here.

Self-trust: a Way to Overcome Impostor Syndrome

Are you a multi-talented, creative person suffering from anxious, incessant mind chatter? Doubting yourself by saying, ‘you’re going to mess up!’, ‘are you *sure* that’s right?’ or (my favorite) ‘one day you’ll get caught, and everyone will know you’re just a mess!’

That inner voice isn’t an alien phenomenon, but a side effect of being unable to internalize your achievements, aka ‘Impostor Syndrome’.

Do you easily dismiss your intelligence as luck or fraud? Here’s why you shouldn’t…

Impostor syndrome isn’t unique to women, though we experience it more. We’re also not the only ones who experience it. In fact, about 70% of humans do. But we, the creative, multi-talented, high-achievers experience heightened ‘intellectual phoniness’ more often. We find ways to downplay our talents, or struggle with getting caught as imposters, despite proof of our achievements. This internalized fear leads to a cycle – the slightest criticism is *proof* of our incompetence despite our capabilities, and undeniable evidence of our successes.

How many degrees do you have? Distinctions? Praises? Professional recognition? Courses and trainings you’ve undertaken? *Not enough* would be my guess, at least not according to you!

Having imposter syndrome means trying to work with crippling perfectionism, over-preparation, and a tendency to keep yourself small or people-please, while lacking self-esteem to freely share your opinions and safeguard your boundaries.

The truth is – in Tanya Geisler’s words (expert on the Impostor Complex): actual impostors don’t feel like impostors.

From Tanya (who I’ve had the pleasure to attend a talk by on this very subject a few years ago) I also learned that all these traits – perfectionism, people-pleasing, keeping yourself small, etc… – are not always bad. They’re part of our evolution as humans. We want, and need to belong. So depending on the environment we live in they can be life savers.

Issues arise, though, when these behaviors show up to *avoid* feeling like an impostor. When that happens, feeling like a fraud actually gets amplified.   

What are the elements of impostor syndrome?

In my life, the impostor syndrome manifested most (and still does sometimes) by telling me I’m a fraud, that I have nothing interesting to say or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. This, paired with the fear of saying something wrong, is the perfect cocktail to keep myself small, take on the opinion of others, people-please and procrastinate. I mean, why would I even try? If I do they’ll find out I’m worthless… The problem is, deep inside I know I have something to contribute.

The impostor syndrome shows up when things matter.

Have you ever feared being found out for how you do the dishes, put on your shoes in the morning, read a book? I haven’t. The impostor syndrome shows up when the opinion of others about your abilities becomes important to you. If you don’t care, *it* doesn’t care.

The way the impostor syndrome manifests in your life will be different to how it manifests in mine, but there are a number of situations in which it’s almost certain to show up:

• Change – Change is constant. It’s the foundation of all things, what allows us to create our own reality, and evolve as humans. It’s also one of the triggers of the impostor syndrome. When trying something new – often at work – or going after our dreams in general, when facing a difficult situation, especially in a higher position, we’re bound to encounter change in how things are done. The impostor syndrome doesn’t like that. At all. That’s why it makes us believe that anyone else who is successful *doesn’t* experience the feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, uncertainty that we’re plagued with when facing change.

• Fear – Achievement always makes us visible. This makes it impossible to protect ourselves from the judgement of others. (Even if we’d love to do that more than anything else.) The potential of being *found out* feels catastrophic to anyone dealing with the impostor syndrome. This translates into fear. The biggest issue – again – is that we believe we’re not good enough. That we’re not ready or don’t have what it takes. “What if I take this job, and I can’t do it?” or “What if I start this project, and I get stuck?” are some of the questions my clients deal with on a daily basis.

• Failure – The conditional nature of society, that credits worth and success to high-achievement, also creates anxiety and doubt. Not achieving exemplary results is associated with incompetence and failure, even when this isn’t the case. You might find it difficult to try new things because of fear of failure, especially if you struggle with the impostor syndrome.

Can we overcome impostor syndrome? If so, how do we get started?

The good news is that, yes, there are ways to learn to recognize, and move passed the impostor syndrome. I’ll get into that in a minute. First, I want to address an important aspect of our culture that I believe influences women (more than men) when it comes to feeling like a fraud: patriarchy and the role we’re meant to play in it.

The patriarchal, white, capitalist culture we live in makes women perform a gender role that is vulnerable to the impostor syndrome. Conditioning primes us for not taking credit for our successes, for being sweet and humble, not too proud of who we are, for staying small, not being too loud, and certainly not wanting too much. Far from the best conditions to teach us how to internalize our achievements, it actually feeds the impostor syndrome the nutrients it needs to grow.

In a way, the impostor syndrome is a symptom of the systemic oppression that patriarchy imposes on us. It’s predominance in work environments where highly qualified women are driven to achieve doesn’t come as a surprise. That’s where the capitalist, patriarchal ethos of endless growth, and success without failure is most present.

Overcoming impostor syndrome can therefore never be achieved without liberation from our cultural programming: we must stop trying to be what we’re not, and instead get absolutely clear about who we are, and what we believe in.

We must cultivate self-trust.

Acceptance of what is, allowing mistakes, trusting that everything will be OK are all part of the awakening process we must go through.

Being a high-achiever, you might not always embrace imperfection. In fact, if you’re anything like me, chances are you passionately hate it. What I’ve learned is that making mistakes, falling, getting back up, and dusting yourself off, learning and moving forward is all there is.

Perfection.
The moment you’ll finally be good enough.
Waiting until you’re ready.
Succeeding without years of practice, perseverance and shit happening while you’re trying.

None of it is real.

In order to be approved of, and loved, you don’t need to achieve anything. What you need is waking up to the fact that you’re good enough right here, right now. Nobody’s going to find you out, because there’s NOTHING to find out.

If you step into the fullness of who you are, what the world will see is more of your greatness.

It all starts with cultivating self-trust by questioning what you believe about the world, and your place in it. Is what you’re telling yourself *really* true? Are you really the fraud you think you are? Once you’ve come to the inevitable conclusion that, no, you’re not a fraud, and, yes, you’re very capable, a world of endless possibilities will open up for you.

Trust yourself. You’ve got this.

Other people’s feelings are not your problem

I recently reflected on why it’s important for women to stop feeling guilty for choosing ourselves. Throughout a big part of my life, that guilt (often doubled with shame, anxiety, or fear) stood in the way of what I really wanted.

It kept me small. Silent. Like it does with so many other women. And for good reason.

We’ve been conditioned to think that we must bear the weight of the world on our shoulder, and do so with a smile, simply because it comes with the territory of being a woman. However – as I reflected in my previous article, incorporating values, and nurturing healthy boundaries will call on you to take responsibility for your own life, to demand more for yourself, to have more self-respect, and ensure that others do not trample on it.

These rituals will lead you to realize that while it’s your responsibility to control your emotions and direct your life down the path you want it to go, it’s not your responsibility to do the same for anyone else. This will be a hard concept for many women to grasp, but as you grow into self-love and self-trust it will become easier.

When you enforce your boundaries, you take your power back.

You’re not Superwoman. Your duty isn’t to save the world. It’s not even to save your loved ones. Your duty – if ever there was one – is to be a caring and loving human. That’s all anyone could ask for. Even so, in the past, I often felt it was my responsibility to be the everything of the people in my private, and professional life. Perhaps you do to…

Making sure everyone around you is happy – at all times
Show the world how capable, reliable, always willing to help you are.
Never come across as too busy, or too tired
Especially not when you are – in fact – exhausted, stressed out, ready for a really long nap.

As you commit yourself to living your truths – making your own decisions, pursuing your dreams, creating your own path – you’re going to upset some people. In fact, you’re going to upset A LOT of people, especially if what you’re going for is bold and unimaginable to them. That’s precisely when you have to remind yourself: how others feel about who you are, the way you live your life, or what your dreams are is not your business.

You are not in charge of other people’s feelings.

Like me, you may have been socialized to believe that as a woman you exist to bring some kind of joy, support, care (insert expectation of choice here) to others, based on the roles society has tried to box you into. Understanding that you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own is a liberating experience. Often we don’t realize how the people around us suck the joy out of us when you overextend ourselves for them, breaking our back to be at their every beck and call. Living this way will drain you. I know, because I’ve been there.

It may take some time for people to come around to the fact they’re not somebody else’s problem but their own. In some cases they never will, and you’ll have to walk away, or see them leave when you no longer *make them happy* (in my experience often used as code speak to say you’re no longer able or willing to cater to their every need). Again, believe me, I know.

How to stop making other people’s feelings your responsibility?

• When people start demanding that you do things their way or blame you for how they feel or how their lives are, you don’t need to respond to them. This is a hard one for any people-pleaser, isn’t it? So if you feel the urge to go there, the conversation should be about boundaries, personal responsibility, and freedom. Not about what they need from you, or how you’re lacking in giving it to them. Because, well, it’s NOT your responsibility.

• Sometimes when people ask unreasonable things of you and have grandiose expectations, you may become so overwhelmed that you simple react instead of respond. It can help to ask yourself some questions: is what they’re asking something you would expect them to do for you? Is it fair to yourself to say yes when you know you should (and totally could) say no?

• When you’re being tested, remember to breathe and allow your emotions to flow through you. Oftentimes you’ll feel guilt, shame, or fear when you’re being put on the spot for someone else’s feelings. Don’t fixate on any thought. Instead, give yourself time to process what’s happening, and simply *pause*. It’s important to guard your heart and protect your soul. After all, you are YOUR OWN responsibility.

Not making other people’s feelings your responsibility requires courage, dedication, and discipline. I’ve been practicing this kind of detachment for a long time, yet I still fall back into my old ways so easily. Affirming my boundaries and being true to myself helps me to bounce back quickly, and recognize the signs when guilt or shame show up.

In the end, what works best is to remind ourselves that we’re responsible for how we’re feeling. Nothing more. But always.

Making that your priority will be so liberating. I promise

I’d love to what your experience has been with other people’s feelings. Let me know in the comments below.

How to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself

Setting personal boundaries is unfortunately something a lot of women struggle with. I know I do. As women, we grow up with the idea that in order to be valuable we have to be *of* value and service to others. This belief has become so ingrained in us, that setting boundaries and learning to put ourselves first not only seems like a scary task, but one that comes laden with guilt.

It’s not that it’s bad to give of ourselves to our families, friends, communities and work. It’s that if we over-extend ourselves to others, we put ourselves on the back burner of our own lives.

We end up being lived, instead of being fully alive.

That’s why we need healthy boundaries. They set the standard on how we want to be treated, and help us regain control over our existence.

Why We Fail to Set Boundaries

Societies all over the world teach girls that we must be good, quiet, polite and obedient. Women grow up (I’m one of them) learning that showing *too much* emotion will be frowned upon. We learn to be understanding, say “Yes” even (especially) when we want to say “No”.

When we say yes to everyone’s dream instead of our own, we experience a slow death of the soul. My bet is, if you can relate to any of these good girl symptoms you probably can relate to this soul-death as well.

As women, we have learnt how to settle in and with our lives for far too long. We have been trained to give our power away. Expected to let others make decisions for, and about us.

No wonder so many of us never learned how to set healthy boundaries.

Guilt

What happens when we do decide to put ourselves first? Guilt sets in. We get worried and anxious about what everyone will think of us:

• Will they be upset?

• Will they like me less

• Will they still love me?

Standing up for yourself is hard work. It’s uncomfortable. It requires discipline, perseverance and devotion. It took me YEARS to be able to speak my truth, express what I needed, and stand up for myself. Even today, when I enforce a personal boundary, I immediately feel the pull to make things right. Guilt, shame, fear never fail to show up. As if I’d done something terrible wrong.

Does this sound familiar?

If it does, I want you to know that none of this is real. It’s all programming.

To liberate ourselves from guilt we need to understand that the only validation we truly need is our own. When we constantly look outside of ourselves for it, our boundaries are ALWAYS at risk. In fact, some of us put off making big life decisions and wait until they’re made for us, simply because we think we’re not allowed to.

That’s been me a few too many times in my life: selling a house a loved because my partner didn’t like it, chasing material success to gain my parents’ approval, accepting bullying and gossip from in-laws because I was expected to become part of the family, …

This sensitivity to the opinions of others and the need to do the right thing – and be the right woman – comes from the many centuries women lived under the rule and control of good old patriarchy. Again, it’s all learned beliefs and behavior.

In order to stop feeling guilty about choosing myself I had to reprogram my mind with new beliefs, and leave consensus reality behind for the real world: the one in which there’s nothing wrong with me to begin with (whatever the media and society are telling me), the one where I’m the leader of my own life.

If you want to stop feeling guilty for choosing yourself you have to reset your beliefs about yourself and the world too.

You have to free yourself.

Patriarchy: What it is?

Patriarchy refers to the social construct in which it’s the accepted norm that men have more authority, power and privilege than women. This bias towards men permeate all levels of society – from conventional religious and political roles to family structures, where men are viewed as the head: the decision maker and the one who has the final say.

Patriarchal societies (the oppressive power of which is still present in the world today) are often patrilineal: properties, titles and other forms of wealth are passed down male lines only. An example of this is the Salic Law, excluding women from royal succession. Such laws – although ancient – are still very much alive. Belgium, for instance, home to yours truly and – incidentally – a monarchy, only allowed women to inherit the royal title in 1991. Not a time before time, but right when R.E.M. were losing their religion.

Another example of patriarchy are the earliest memories I have of my mother and money. She took care of it, made ends meet, but wasn’t allowed to open a bank account without my father’s consent.

The same is true for being allowed to work, own property, get a divorce without losing everything – including your children, and the right to vote (to name just a few things). American women weren’t allowed to vote until 1920 and British women were allowed to vote in 1918, given they were over 30.

But it doesn’t stop there. Bias, stereotypes, and discrimination towards women can be found throughout history. In fact, it’s been built into it. Women have had to fight every step of the way to achieve the same basic rights as men. For many, this is still an ongoing struggle today.

How could anyone NOT feel guilty for choosing themselves in such a context.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty

Letting go of over-giving and the fear that comes from standing up for yourself takes time, commitment and effort. It requires a complete paradigm shift to reprogram your thoughts, change your beliefs and eventually reclaim your life. Saying “No”, taking up the space you deserve, and protecting your time are all part of the process. They’re all steps towards putting yourself first.

This paradigm shift will get you to see that your needs are just as important – you are just as important – as everyone else.

Choosing yourself is a life-long practice, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get at it. As you become aware of your default thoughts and actions when you’re called to put yourself first, change will happen. Eventually your practice will be rewarded. Choosing yourself will become natural.

You’ll be (guilt) free.

What has your experience with setting boundaries and choosing yourself been like? Let me know in the comments below.