Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
The Trust Issue That's Keeping You Stuck in Your Career or Business: Attachment Theory and Healing
We all know lack of trust is a huge hurdle in our relationships. But did you know it can have equally detrimental consequences for your career or business?
If you have trust issues, this article will help explain how attachment theory and lack of trust might be keeping your business or career stuck!
Are you able to trust the people you work with quickly? Do you believe a co-worker when she tells you she's got it? Do you trust her to do a good job, or are you micromanaging everything and everyone around you?
Your lack of trust in business might be because you're anxious and don't want to be hurt (again). What has probably been a great, life-saving defense mechanism at some point in your (early) life could be keeping you stuck in a career you don't like or unable to move forward with your business. It might even stop others from entering into business relationships with you.
On the surface, it doesn't seem like trust issues have anything to do with our careers or businesses, but when we dig a little deeper, it's easy to see how this can affect success and why it deserves attention and might even require healing.
Trust issues are often linked to anxious attachment, one of four types of attachment styles. People who have developed an anxious attachment often have a hard time feeling secure in relationships. They lack trust in almost everything, which usually leaves them feeling anxious, scared, or worried.
What is attachment theory?
Psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to talk about attachment and formalize its theory in the 1950s and 1960s.
Bowlby theorized that attachment is an inbuilt survival instinct that ensures infants seek proximity to their mothers or primary caregivers. If they cannot do so, infants might fall into a state of "distress," determined by a lack of comfort and satisfaction when confronted with anything other than what they need.
Attachment theory, therefore, examines how the caregiver-child bond develops and its impact on significant development. In Bowlby's words: "Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another person across time and space."
According to Bowlby, there are four attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant.
Secure Attachment Style
Securely attached children feel safe and comfortable with their primary caregivers. They explore the world around them but return to a secure base when needed. Securely attached people tend to have healthier relationships in adulthood because they feel more confident in their interactions with others and don't experience fear of abandonment.
In their career or as business owners, securely attached adults are more likely to rely on others for help and support because they have a more vital trust. They are also less anxious about their lack of control in work-related situations. Securely attached individuals will have an easier time sticking to a job or business idea, trusting co-workers or business partners and making decisions based on opportunity rather than fear. Especially compared to the avoidant and disorganized attachment types, who often have a more challenging time making decisions, and suffer lasting ambivalent feelings about the choices they eventually make.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style
Anxious-ambivalent children are more clingy, needy, and lack self-confidence. They get anxious when away from their caregivers and distrust them, leading them to explore their environment with fear rather than excitement.
They constantly seek approval from their caregivers and continuously observe their surroundings out of fear of being abandoned or in danger. This can translate into less ease and more perfectionistic tendencies at work in adulthood because they're constantly dwelling on what could go wrong. The strategic decisions they make can reflect their focus on fear, in which case the results might be missed business opportunities or promotions they want but don't take.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant children lack the attachment bond with their caregivers and show very little interest in exploring or trying new things. They seem uninterested, detached, and lack empathy for others. When they explore the world, it's usually to get away from adults rather than meet them; when faced with a challenge that requires help, they avoid seeking support.
They often struggle with expressing their feelings and find it hard to understand emotions - especially their own. As a result, avoidant adults tend to lack trust in people, reflected in their career or business as difficulty to delegate, trying to do it all themselves, failing to ask for support when needed, and often struggling to work with team members or business partners.
Disorganized Attachment Style
Disorganized attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment caused by various reasons, such as a lack of bonding with the caregivers or frequent changes in caregivers.
Children with a disorganized attachment style often display intense anger and rage, a difficulty to control their emotions that will affect their relationships later on in life. As adults, they avoid trusting others and have little to no self-confidence when facing challenges. This often leads to accepting less than what they are worth at work, doing other people's jobs, accepting without a fight not to be recognized for their accomplishments. In business, it leaves them prey to their customers and service providers and aiming for smaller goals than they could achieve.
Do you lack secure attachment?
Those with an anxious or ambivalent attachment style (well, hello there!) have had this lack of trust ingrained in us since our developmental years. A lack of secure attachments with caretakers during those times affects how your brain develops and responds to interpersonal relationships later in life. The problem is, we're often unaware of how this influences the way we interact with others as adults, let alone the impact it has on our business or at work.
If you're not sure of your attachment style, click here for an assessment that may help.
Lack of trust in your career or business can express itself in various ways, such as:
You're exhausted because you feel you need to do all the things, and the help you're getting is (according to your perfectionistic standards) never up to par.
You're micromanaging everyone's tasks (including your colleagues, business partners, and service providers) because you're not confident they can do the job.
You never ask for help or accept it because whenever someone offers, it makes you suspicious. You wonder what the ulterior motives are, so you say no, even when you need it most.
You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop because you're anxious things won't work out. Everything might look good now, but you don't believe it will stay that way.
You have a hard time making decisions, especially about a career change or new business venture. One day you're ecstatic about the idea; the next, not so much.
To heal your lack of trust, you need to work on healing your attachment wounds. I suggest starting with finding a therapist or coach who knows about attachment theory so they can help guide you through this process.
You may also want to read or research this critical topic to understand it better. Here are a few resources to get started with:
Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep - love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
The Psych Up Podcast.
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.
The work of Diane Poole Heller, who devoted her life to helping people find secure attachment.
Is your attachment style keeping you stuck at work or in business?
Anxiously (and ambivalently) attached people are generally preoccupied with thoughts about relationships - whether personal or professional ones. They can be cautious to the point of being fearful and may withdraw from a relationship if they have an uneasy feeling that it's going downhill.
This, of course, is bad for business. A successful career or business requires networking and successfully reaching out and connecting with others.
If you lack trust in your business or work relationships, try the following:
Make sure you're not micromanaging everything and everyone around you. Be a supportive team player instead of always telling others what to do or how they should be doing it. You don't want them feeling like their work is never good enough because this might further complicate your collaboration.
Trust others by giving them more responsibility and let go of the reins a little bit. Your lack of trust will show if you don't delegate some tasks out, so try trusting someone with something small at first and see how they do before handing over more significant projects or responsibilities.
Have a candid conversation with your team, business partner, or service providers and tell them that your attachment style has held you back from trusting them. You don't need to give them the reasons why, but it helps to develop solutions together.
Keep working on developing a more secure attachment. You might never get where someone who naturally trusts others is, but you can get pretty close. It all starts with understanding your style and being willing to work at it.
As people who lack trust in others (or maybe lack it when it comes to the next business or career step to take!), we can't let it hold us back anymore. We have to start healing our lack of trust and release the painful memories from our past and change some thinking patterns. I know because I've been there. And the transformation I've gone through has been magnificent.
If lack of trust has been an issue for you, I hope this article helped you see there's a way out of it. It's going to take some time and work, but it is possible.
You can do this.
Do you have attachment wounds?
If so, I'm here to help. You need to work on healing your lack of trust before you can move forward in your career or with your business. The first step is to find someone who understands attachment therapy and getting the guidance you need. Let me know if I can be that person for you!
It's time to start feeling safe again in relationships and stop being afraid of getting hurt all the time. Let me show you how we can do this together! We'll work on healing what's keeping you stuck so you can reach the next level in your work!
How to Answer the "What Do You Do?" Question as a Creative Generalist
"What do you do?" must be the question that creatives (and generalists) dread more than anything else in the world. It's a difficult question to answer for them because of the many job titles, careers, and responsibilities most multi-passionate creatives can have, not to mention all the additional interests and passions. While there isn't any perfect answer for this common question, it may be helpful to have some strategies when asked.
Most job descriptions are straightforward. You work at a company, and you do X job for them. But what if you're not one of those people? What if you have multiple interests, or your job description is more general? If that sounds like you, then it's time to learn to answer the question, "What do you do?"
In this article, we'll explore three approaches that might help ease the pain of answering the question in the first place. I mean, how do you put a multidimensional human being with a million ideas and interests onto a tiny square business card?
#1 Who's asking, and why?
"So, what do you do?" is an essential question at any networking event, but it can be challenging to summarise it for someone you don't know, especially if you have many interests. Who is asking you? And what are they looking for in your answer? It can help to know what to say.
The person you're talking to might be a potential employer or business partner, so they're just trying to understand your work from that angle. In this case, it's best to keep the response professional and focused on what you do that might fit with what they're looking for. Never mind your other jobs or interests. You don't need to share the fullness of who you are. It might be better not to share too much to avoid confusing those without an extraordinary brain like yours.
Perhaps you're talking to someone who seems interested in more than just your job title. Again, depending on where you are and who you're talking to, you might decide to share a little more about the multitude that you are.
Just remember you're allowed to answer this question the way you feel, and it can vary from occasion to occasion and from person to person.
You don't owe anyone an elevator pitch about who you are and what you do. In fact, by adding variety into how you answer this question, you're remaining true to the multi-passionate creative that you are!
#2 The Instagram bio approach
This one is pretty familiar to creatives and generalists: the teeny tiny Instagram bio. How to summarise what you do in 150 characters or less? Impossible, you think. Well, most of us multi-passionate creatives reach a point - after much agony and turmoil - where we're OK with it being impossible. Why? Because it lessens the pressure of coming up with a bio that covers all our things! There aren't enough characters to do that anyway!
So how to use the Instagram bio approach to answer the "What do you do?" question? Share your favorite snippers of who you are: the things that excite, inspire, or interest you in some way, and then offer to tell them more about it if they're interested! In this scenario, "What do you do?" becomes a conversation starter rather than an elevator pitch.
The key is being clear about what you want to share and what you don't. Professional contacts may not need to know everything about how your imagination works, but if they're interested in hearing more, then that's a perfect time!
This approach is also great when encountering new people because it allows them to get to know you without feeling like they need to know everything.
Blogging is one of my passions, so depending on context and who's asking, I might say, "I blog about creativity." If the person I'm talking to works as an editor or writer, they might be interested in blogging, and we could talk more about it. If not, I can tell them that too - there's no need to be perfect or cover all my bases.
#3 The "But what do you do?" reply
Another way to get out of the "What do you do?" conundrum is by answering that question with a question.
This is a fun and playful way to reply that clarifies any uncertainty about what would be best to share about you. It also has the bonus of possibly leading to an inspiring conversation or a discovery of shared interests!
Here are a few ways to return the question with a question:
I'd love to share more about what I do with you, but I'm too curious. Would you mind telling me a bit more about you first?
Well, I do a few things. Perhaps it would be easier to share if I knew a bit more about you first. Would you mind telling me what you're passionate about?
It's hard to define myself as one thing, but that also means there are always new things for me to explore. Would you mind telling me a bit more about you first?
Finally, I want you to know that whatever the context, how the person you're talking to responds will tell you a lot about whether or not to pursue the relationship further. Both professionally and personally, if the person isn't excited or interested in what you have to say or downright responds negatively, it might be best to move on.
There's no correct answer to this question - share what feels right for you! Remember that you don't owe anyone any explanation about who you are and what you like to do. It doesn't matter if you're a job seeker, a business owner, or an artist.
Are you wondering about what to do next?
Do you have too many interests and don't know how to make them work together? If so, you're not alone. There are so many creative generalists out there with the same issue.
Luckily, it doesn't need to be this way! There are tools for making sense of all these different interests and skills, like my private coaching services, which help you find your "one amazing thing" (or two or three) because you know what: you don't have to choose!
The Imposter Syndrome: Perhaps it's About Authenticity, not Accomplishments
Do you ever feel like a fraud? Not so much because you think someone will find out that you're not skilled or capable enough to do the job, but instead because you don't want to be there. Is your impostor complex the result of a lack of fire, inspiration, or passion for the job or career you have more than a reflection of your perceived lack of accomplishments?
If this sounds familiar, I've got news for you. Your imposter feelings might result from a sense of inauthenticity you experience when others reflect your life to you and have nothing to do with a lack of self-worth.
This type of impostor syndrome is something I see many multi-passionate creatives struggle with in my coaching practice. Because variety is essential to them, and not enough of it quickly causes them to feel bored or uninspired, many mainstream jobs or careers can leave them feeling a bit icky, as if something's missing. When someone comments on how extraordinary their career or job is, for instance, they can't help but feel like they're not truthful - like they are frauds.
The problem is a lack of meaning
This feeling like a fraud may result from feeling uninspired to show up in their day-to-day life. Perhaps you're familiar with it. While there are a million things that would be more interesting to do than your current job, when people look at you, a job well done it's the only thing they see. On the other hand, you feel it's a job half-assed at best because there's just no soul or love put into it. And this is precisely the problem.
Multi-passionate creatives, or creative generalists, as I like to call us, need more than money and variety to be happy. Above all else, we need a sense of purpose in our lives.
Any lustrous, high-paying job that doesn't feed our soul is a recipe for disaster. And I'm not even talking about the brain-numbing, useless, low-paying jobs that keep many of us stuck.
It's not always about accomplishments
Don't get me wrong, impostor syndrome is a real and potentially dangerous thing for your career and dreams. Especially as women, we have this tendency not to feel good enough and question our abilities. And in many cases, as I wrote about here, it's our accomplishments we question.
As multi-passionate creatives, however, we add another level of complexity to an already tricky mindset puzzle: authenticity, a fundamental value for many of us and one that is inextricably tied to our sense of purpose.
When you add authenticity into the mix, feeling like an impostor is not just about accomplishments as a reflection of what you're capable of but also - and more profoundly - accomplishments as a reflection of who you are.
A multi-passionate creative imposter syndrome can happen when you are in a place where you don't feel comfortable. Regardless of how many successes you have or how much experience, if it's not the right fit for your personality style and skill set, that impostor syndrome is going to rear its ugly head.
Authenticity is a necessity
So perhaps we have it wrong when we think it's about our accolades and all that we've accomplished. Maybe that's not always what we feel like impostors about; perhaps it's because we know we don't belong or that we won't be able to keep the façade up for long enough to make it.
It's liberating to know that our imposter feelings don't come from a place of low self-esteem or not being good enough. Because they're coming from the opposite: they're telling us what we need to feel satisfied and happy. If there isn't an element of satisfaction, it's because we're not living in alignment with who we are.
If you feel like you're not where you want to be in life, it might be a sign that it's time to realign your life with who you are.
To us humans, authenticity is a necessity, not a choice. Without the space to be who we are, live up to our full potential, and express ourselves in our unique way, this lack will eventually manifest itself and force us into (often unhealthy) coping strategies. It's bad enough when this happens sometimes, but imagine the damage this can do when having to experience this in a job or career daily...
Your feelings are normal
When forced to accept situations that aren't aligned with who we are, especially for more extended periods, we find ways to deal with them as best as we can. This adaptability is a natural defense mechanism from our bodies and brains. Throughout history, it's done a fantastic job at helping us cope with the many adversities of life. However, in the present, where toxic stress runs amok, and our bodies or minds don't get to escape it like they used to, it can make us sick.
For some, the coping strategy might be to disconnect from themselves and their wants. For others, this might look like depression or mental health issues. Still, for others, it might be distractions, addictions, an inability to focus, inability to get any decent work done, or feeling like an impostor.
Perhaps it's not about what you're lacking but about dreaming bigger for yourself. You deserve a job or career that feels right and inspires you every day - a life where you wake up happy to be alive. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not a great advisor, and certainly not someone who knows what (multi-passionate) creatives and entrepreneurial minds need to thrive.
Don't let your unique gifts keep you stuck. Don't be afraid to admit you dread boredom and need a job or career that inspires you.
Don't be afraid to live your one big, authentic life!
Are you suffering from impostor syndrome?
I'm here to help you get unstuck. You know that feeling of not moving forward in your career or job because it doesn't feel right? That's the problem I help my clients solve.
It's time to start living your life, doing what you love, and making money from it too! Let me show you how my private coaching sessions are tailored specifically for multi-passionate and creative entrepreneurs looking for guidance on starting or growing their businesses.
Multi-passionate Creatives: Why our Flakiness Is a Symptom, Not a Flaw
As multi-passionate creatives we're often told we're flaky, we can't stick to anything long enough to make it work. But the truth is, our flakiness is not a flaw but the symptom of a bigger problem.
As multi-passionate creatives we're forced into an education system that doesn't let our creativity flourish and where our many interests have to be put on hold. On the outside we do as we're told, but inside we rebel against a system that isn't made for us and we refuse to choose. It might not be obvious at first, but as time goes on our inner rebellion leaves a trail of unfinished projects on the shelves.
This makes us look flaky. We often stop before others think we're done, or get discouraged by the lack of support we get when we finally have the courage to follow an interest or creative idea!
Flakiness is a symptom, not a flaw.
As multi-passionate creatives, we're flaky because deep inside our needs for creativity, freedom and self-expression are ignored.
Growing up, I always thought that I would eventually be okay with having to choose one thing over all the others. But as time went by and my creativity became more and more expansive, it became increasingly difficult for me to choose just one thing to focus on.
Every day I thought about how much of myself was lost in all these pursuits: a quarter of me here, a third of me there. I felt so scattered because of how I thought I needed to approach projects, and the time I was supposed to spent on them.
There are so many things that I want to do - from writing to teaching to coaching to getting new and inspiring businesses of the ground.
If I had to choose the "one" thing, I wouldn't be able to come up with anything.
Now, I know better.
The problem is not that we can't choose one thing to focus on, it's not that we're flaky - the problem is that there are so many things out there for us to explore and try! We don't need to choose, instead, we need to figure out how to make all of our interests work together into a life that is worth living.
This pressure to choose is why we're flaky.
As multi-passionate creatives, our flakiness is a symptom of a bigger problem that needs to be solved: our hunger for knowledge, our need for diversity, and our unique creativity must be allowed to flourish and every interest must receive the attention we're willing to give it.
Multi-passionate creatives need to be allowed to explore and not be forced to choose.
It starts by learning more about how our brain works and learning the tools that will keep us focused without robbing us of our many interests.
Here's a few tips on how to get started:
Tip #1: Give yourself a creative break: When you feel like quitting on an interest, put it on the shelf for a while first. Sometimes we need a break to get back into the flow of our passions.
Tip #2: Work on what you're enjoying right now: Don't focus only on the things you "need to do". Make time to do the things you enjoy, too. Especially if they don't serve any other purpose than to feed your creative nature.
Tip #3: Cut down on distractions: Turn off your phone or get into another room so you can focus. Even if you have many interests, when working on one leave the others at the door.
Tip #4: Create multi-passionate boundaries: People will always try to tell you what to do. A great way to avoid having to listen to them, is to create what I call strong multi-passionate boundaries. It's OK not to share what you're currently interested in or working on with others. The less they know the better.
Tip #5: Find your magic number: From personal experience and working with hundreds creative entrepreneurs I know that focusing on 3 to 5 projects at a time seems to work well for most multi-passionates. It keeps boredom at bay and is still manageable. What's great about having a number is that you know you can always pick something else later.
Tip #6: Organize your interests and passion projects: Keep track of all your projects in binders, on your computer, in a note on your phone. The more information you gather about all your interests, the more likely you are to take them further. As a bonus, you'll also feel less scattered, which is always great for a mind like ours.
Tip #7: Get creative with flakiness: When you're feeling flaky, go ahead and let an interest slide. Don't worry about what anyone will think or say, because you know best. And remember that you can always come back to the original one later.
I know it sounds so simple! But really, these tips will help you to feel more in control of your many interests and less flaky as a result.
Try them out, you'll see.
If you've ever felt like you have to choose between your many interests, you're not alone.
Through my work I help people find a way to combine their passions and interests and make them work with their career goals. I'll help you explore what's possible so that you can live the life of your dreams.
You deserve more than just an average job or an exhausting business where you're stuck in one place for 40 hours a week. You deserve something fulfilling, challenging, and rewarding. The world needs more people like you who are willing to embrace their unique creative gifts and go after their dreams because you know there is nothing better than living your life doing work you love every day.
Dear Multi-passionate Creative: You Don't Need More Knowledge, You Need More Action
I don't know about you, but I'm a knowledge junkie. I love to learn and gather knowledge on everything from cooking healthy food, being a good writer, and how best to market my company. I'm sure you know someone like me (psst! if you're reading this article, it's probably you): they love knowledge and are never too tired to learn something new, but using that knowledge and taking action on it isn't always that easy.
"I'm not multi-passionate... I'm not even creative!" is a phrase I hear every day in my coaching practice, even though I coach A LOT of them. The confusion is, I'm sure, partly semantic. As a society, what we associate with passion and creativity is not always how these traits express themselves in us. Traditional creative expression is the form of the arts is probably not how creativity shows itself in most multi-passionate creatives! Problem-solving is much more prevalent as a creative trait than, say, being able to handle a paintbrush or writing poetry (although we can love to do that too!).
Knowledge is our one true passion.
In reality, however, knowledge gathering is what most multi-passionate creatives consider to be their one and genuine passion.
You can see knowledge as the fuel for our creativity. It's what feeds the fire of our ideas and helps them grow into something more tangible - if we take action on them, that is. In that sense, it might be more accurate to call us multi-interested than multi-passionate, with knowledge-craving brains that soak up information like sponges.
The problem is: knowledge can also keep you from taking action on your ideas because there's always something else to learn first!
You might feel like you need another degree or certification before you can do something about your dreams - which in turn holds you back from doing anything and being successful.
If that's you, read on for tips on how knowledge gathering can hinder you and what you could do instead.
Tip #1: Knowledge only takes you so far - set yourself a goal for each knowledge-gathering session to take action afterward (e.g., don't just buy the cookbook and read through it, actually learn how to cook one new dish per week).
Tip #2: Keep knowledge gathering sessions short - try to limit your trips down the YouTube or Google rabbit hole to no more than 20 minutes. After each session, take a few minutes to write down what you learned and set an action for yourself. What's the next thing you can DO (not learn!) with what you've just researched, read, watched?
Tip #3: Focus on one thing at a time - if there's too much knowledge coming at you simultaneously, you won't be able to take action on anything. Turn your knowledge parties into their little projects: it's ok to enjoy it, but have an end goal in mind. Always ask yourself what you can do with what you've learned?
Tip #4: Don't feel guilty for indulging in knowledge-gathering - in the end, all knowledge is good knowledge. It won't hold you back forever, and it's good for you to enjoy your passion just for the sake of it sometimes.
Tip #5: Remember there's always knowledge to gather - when you feel anxious about not being able to learn or know all the things, remind yourself that knowledge never goes away and that you can always make up camp at the library later.
The key is not necessarily finding more knowledge but taking some action after learning - no matter how big or small that action might be.
It's ok for a knowledge enthusiast like you to indulge in knowledge for the sake of it, but remember that as multi-passionate creatives, we also love building things and seeing them come to life.
When we love knowledge for knowledge's sake and don't take any steps to follow through with our thoughts and dreams, we're just knowledge hoarders.
It's time to stop only gathering knowledge and start taking action too.
Being a lifelong learner will keep you growing as a person (which is fantastic) but being a lifelong doer will add purpose to your life and help you change the world!
You're passionate about learning and knowledge, but you need help taking action?
I'm a certified business and career coach who can help take your passion for knowledge and your many interests and turn them into something tangible. I'll work with you to create a plan that will get you from where you are now to where you want to be (even if you're not sure where that is) - all while still being able to learn new things!
Let's talk more about what we can do together.
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You
My entire life I’ve been intrigued by how differently people perceive the same things, and by how biased we are in our assumptions of what other people think.
As a perfectionist, and people-pleaser I spent a big part of my childhood and adult life worrying about what other people thought of me. On a daily basis I would replay conversations in my head, wondering if I had said or done the right thing. When I was in high school, and later at University, whenever a group of students would stand together talking, if even just one glanced my way, I would immediately assume it was me they were talking about — and probably not in a good way.
Then later on in life, my excessive worry caused me sleepless nights over little conflicts, and friendly disagreements. Any action coming from me that I deemed imperfect would trigger a worry spiral I could hardly get out of.
This constant stress and anxiety was exhausting, and depressing.
This was a long time ago. In the past decade I’ve grown and left most of my worry days behind me and with it the mind-boggling dichotomy that existed between what I was worrying about, and what people were actually thinking.
Of course the road to the (almost) worry-free life I’m living now was a bumpy one. The change didn’t happen overnight. But what I want to share with you today, and what I hope you’ll get out of this article, is that there is a way out of your anxieties and into a more peaceful life. I know, because I’ve been there.
Along that bumpy road I learned a thing or two that I’d love to share with you. So here’s 5 tips to help you stop worrying about what other people think of you:
#1 Don’t assume you know what someone else is thinking
The group of talking students example above is a beautiful illustration of how our thinking works — and how wrong we are! We almost always assume we know how other people think and feel, based on our own feelings and thoughts. When we’re cold, we automatically assume everyone around us has icicles for feet. When we’re hungry we often think everyone’s ready to eat. When we’re sad the Sun doesn’t even shine as bright as usual. You get the picture.
The first thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to realise that you’re most probably wrong about your assumptions of what they’re thinking.
#2 When you think you know go for the best option, not the worst
Although the previous point is a valid one, it’s also hard to do. We’re all — always — alone with our thoughts, and emotions. Just like everyone else is alone with theirs. Assuming we know what someone else is thinking is the normal thing to do. But every time we do we also have the choice to pick the kind of assumptions we make. As a people-pleaser and perfectionist I always assumed the worse because that’s what I was focusing on. But since what we think is probably wrong anyway, we might as well assume the best, don’t we?
The second thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to reformulate your negative assumptions into positive ones. Instead of worrying about how silly you looked, or how stupid what you said was focus on how wonderful everyone thinks you are. They were probably not thinking about you anyway. Oh but wait, that’s the next point…
#3 People lead busy lives
I lead a busy life, and I bet you do to. In fact, everyone’s life is busy to the brink. It’s the disease of our times. When you look at the statistics, they’re staggering. On average a worker now produces in 11 hours what a worker in the 1950’s produced in 40 hours. I know, right? Although this is alarming — and the subject of a future article, the good news is that busy people don’t have a lot of time to think about other people.
The third thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to remember how busy people are, leaving very little room in their schedules to think about you.
#4 In doubt, ask
Sometimes worry controls you. You’re trying to follow tips one, two, and three but nothing’s working. Whatever you do, you keep on tossing and turning that conversation in your head. If you’re anything like me, you might even have winning arguments with them in your head, you know the ones in which you’re telling them how it is.
The fourth thing to do to worry less about what other people think of you is to ask them about it. Although this might feel daunting to you now, I promise it will release at least parts (and often all) of the fears, the worries, and the anxiety that you’re currently experiencing.
#5 Trust, love and appreciate yourself more
In the end, living an anxiety-free life is an inside job. I’ve found no better remedy to worry than to learn to trust, love, and appreciate myself more. The more you do that, the more self-confidence you’ll have, and the less you’ll worry about what other people think of you.
In the end all that matters is what you think of yourself.
Do you feel like you're always worrying about what other people think of you?
I know how it feels to be constantly stressed and anxious. You might not even realize that this is happening because it's become your normal state of being. But the truth is, we all deserve peace and happiness in our lives. We don't need to live with constant worry or anxiety!
My private coaching series will help you break free from these worries so that they no longer affect your life. It'll give you a sense of relief knowing that there are things in life more important than what others think of us - like living a happy, fulfilling life and doing work you love! Or perhaps even building that business on the side!
7 habits that will completely change your career
Sometimes focusing on the end goal can be daunting when you’re unsure about what you really want. Especially for creatives and multi-passionate entrepreneurs, having to choose often feels like losing. What if I’m wrong? How do I “win” at this game called success? It’s even more difficult when your knowledge keeps evolving, and your interests keep changing… which often happens when thinking about career advancement or change.
Did someone take your idea again or not give you credit? Feeling bored and uninspired? Unhappy where you are? Stuck and unsure? Looking for a new, and greater challenge? Thinking about starting a little something on the side?
There are specific habits that successful creative entrepreneurs consistently act on to help grow their careers or businesses. Developing yourself professionally only works when it’s intentional. You have to want it, and work at it.
We often delay happiness in the relentless pursuit of accolades, status and money. We lose sight of something deeper and more purposeful in our careers when we only feel validated through external self-worth. This isn’t sustainable. Understanding what is helping you or preventing (!) you from creating positive habits in your career can help mitigate some of those stumbling blocks.
In the end, your career can only grow as much as yourself.
#1 Check your baseline
Where are you right now? How are you feeling? What’s been on your mind (or to-do list) lately that is important but keeps going by unnoticed? What’s the itch you can’t scratch, and where did it come from? Checking in with yourself regularly is an important step towards change. What parts of your career need some spring-cleaning or inspiration? Where do you see yourself in five years – is it time to set some new goals?
#2 Give more compliments
Sometimes we’re so fixated on what isn’t working we forget about what is. Build empathy by seeing through someone else’s eyes or walking in someone else’s shoes. By listening, validating and giving positive feedback you can create a foundation for relationship building, even if you’re not best friends with your co-workers, boss or the people on your team. This change in atmosphere can be the reinvigoration you, and your career needs – kill them with kindness. However, it’s not the solution for a very challenging or toxic work environment. If you have to stay there, you can try to make the most of it, for now.
#3 Overcome perfectionism
Avoiding failure is a deeply rooted focus on the negative. In order to dissolve the barriers holding you back from career success, you have to let go of control. Demanding an abstract form of perfectness might make you miss the mark because you were fixated on doing things perfectly, rather than delivering progress. Remember there’s a difference between setting standards of excellence and setting standards no one can reasonably meet, including you.
#4 Invest more in yourself
Filling your own cup is one of the best returns on investment – you are investing in your future career by growing as an individual. Whether that’s through nutrition, meditation, yoga, a new class, online courses or hiring a coach, valuing yourself instead of waiting for external praise is the mindset that will help you grow the most. Say “yes” to yourself more, and considerately say “no” to others to create the necessary space for your well-being, and growth.
#5 Take leadership seriously
Sometimes we forget we can be role models and lead teams. We go about our day or want to get the job done. Do not underestimate your ability to use your creativity and transformational skills. We all have the potential to step up and create change. This includes self-management, taking the right risks, making those difficult decisions and being adaptable.
#6 Expand your skills
Sometimes we get stuck because we don’t have a clear vision. The best way out of it is to develop new skills. Manage your money, plan your next adventure, or learn how to write a book – get curious with something you enjoy that doesn’t necessarily pay. Remember that you need your interests and passions to be happy and to thrive, but not all of them need to turn into businesses or a career! Invest in the skills you have and build the ones you’re lacking. Never stop learning and don’t underestimate the power of knowledge to up-level your career, at any stage in life.
#7 Connect, connect, connect
Do you avoid work breaks? Skip on the after-work get togethers? Dread the networking events that you know could bring in new business? My advice is to show up. As women especially, we’re still too often the silent birdies in the workplace and at the decision table. It's not only about connecting, but also about making sure people "see" you and your potential. You never know who you might meet, or what new idea you might get. So get out there.
Practice these seven habits consistently and you’ll completely change your career. Finding the necessary mentors or coaches to support you can be an added strength.
Investing in yourself and your growth are career-changing habits you can start with right now. The benefit will show faster than daily trips to the gym, I promise you.