How to choose your hard and get unstuck!

For years, I wanted to start writing a book. When I finally decided to write one, I would wait till inspiration hit before I sat down to write. I would stop the moment I felt like the inspiration had waned. My entire writing experience, then, was centered around getting into - and falling out of - a flow state. But flow states can be fickle. They don’t come when we call, they come when they want to. If I waited for inspiration to write, it would take me years to finish my first book. 

I knew there had to be a different way. I knew I was stuck and had to find a way to get unstuck. So I started writing every day. I gave myself a time frame that I had to sit in front of my computer and type. It didn’t matter if it was cohesive or spelled correctly; I just had to type. Sometimes, inspiration would be there with me, guiding me along, but most of the time, I was on my own. Most of the time, I was writing because I’d built a habit. 

It made me realize that when motivation is lacking, you have to rely on your dedication. On days when I don’t feel like writing, my dedication to the habit of writing guides me to the computer and gets me through the time slot I’ve set aside. 

This experience was the start of of my get unstuck method. I realized that when you want to change something about your life - or your work - you have to start by changing your mindset. I wanted to write, so I changed my mindset about how I write (every day no matter what for 1 hour), focused on taking responsibility for my thoughts and emotions around writing and being an author, visualized the new life and habit I wanted, and then mustered the courage to go out there and do it. 

“Getting Unstuck!” might sound like a tagline, but it’s really a mantra - one that was born out of necessity and evolved into a way of life. It’s about planting your feet and digging deep into the ground of discipline. It’s about daily action and building new habits. 

The truth is, there is simultaneous pain and joy in growing into someone new. You can be both excited to start something new and terrified of the work it will take to get where you want. You can be both happy to change and miss the old life you lived where you knew what to expect. And you can be miserable in your life and work and still choose to stay there because the alternative is even more daunting. There is a duality between freedom and discipline; you’re allowed to feel and experience more than one emotion at the same time.*

I heard someone say once, “Everything is hard. Choose your hard.” Being stuck is hard. You are afraid to go after the life and work you want, so you procrastinate, get overwhelmed, and hide behind your fears. That’s hard and it gets harder the longer you stay in that headspace. However, getting unstuck is hard too. You have to put in the work, change your mindset, figure out what you want to do, create a vision for the life you want, and start implementing the steps to get there. 

Here are a few things to think about when choosing your hard:

1. You’re going to be sacrificing either way. Whatever it is you want to do to change your life, it’s going to take sacrifice. But it’s also a sacrifice to keep your life exactly the same - only in this case, you are sacrificing your own dreams. For instance, if you currently work in tech, but really want to be an interior designer, you may have to sacrifice some of your free time to build a design portfolio, interview for new roles, and maybe even take a pay cut to get the experience you need for the jobs you really want. However, if you never go after that dream of being an interior designer and instead stay in tech, you are sacrificing your dream for the comfort of what you already know. Both paths lead to sacrifice, so choose the one that actually fulfills you.

2. Change is scary. Accepting that change is scary is one of the only ways that I can move past the fear. “Yes it’s scary, and I’m doing it anyways,” is one of my favorite mantras. When we acknowledge the fear in front of us, and we still decide to go after what we want, we’re fostering a trust within ourselves. There is nothing better than knowing you have your own back and that the decisions you make are solid, even when they’re scary.

3. Everything gets easier when you accept that it’s hard. This sounds counterintuitive, right? If we acknowledge it’s hard, then it’s hard. But actually, I think acknowledging that something will take hard work to complete is the first step in making it easier. With this acknowledgement comes the planning, visualizing, and mindset changes that are necessary to do the new thing. Think about it: when the painter decides they want to sell their art, but they know it will be hard to find clients, they start working even harder to find clients. They start posting their art on social media, and use their free time to create a website. They take the pressure off actually selling and focus on the steps to get their art out there into the world for people to see.  

So which hard do you choose? The one that keeps you in place, feeling lost and stuck, or the one where you have the life you’ve been dreaming about? 

*A special thank you to Colleen-Joy for inspiring this blog post during our interview last week for her podcast InnerLifeSkills.

Are you ready to choose your hard?

Getting unstuck is the only way to get to the life you want. You have to get out of your own way and start doing the scary things while changing your mindset.

I help my clients figure out exactly what it is they want to do, why their fear is holding them back, and how to move past all that.

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How procrastination masks perfectionism

I’ve wanted to be an author for as long as I can remember. When I started writing a few years ago, I would spend most of the session editing. I would go back and forth, adding words and deleting or rearranging them. It was such a frustrating and cumbersome process. When my articles were done and I finally hit publish, I would go back through and find all the mistakes I had made. I’d ruminate on that for months until the next book idea took hold and I vowed that this time it will be perfect. 

With this new book, I have had to stop myself from editing because if I give myself more time to edit, it won’t ever get published. My perfectionism is so pervasive that I have to set clear boundaries or it will take me over. 

Are you like that? Do you feel like you have a great idea and then avoid doing it because you want everything about the end result perfect? If you nodded your head yes, then you need to know that this procrastination is simply masking your perfectionism. You can’t just hide and wait till all of the settings and stimuli are perfect before starting, because if you wait, you’ll never start.

Most people who know they are procrastinating on starting or completing a task, know that they’re doing it because going deeper than the surface doesn’t seem to work. They haven’t lost their interest in the work, they just stop because they don’t believe they can fully achieve the end product them have in mind. Sometimes this comes down to the fact that they’re afraid of putting a crappy product out there, and other times (most of the time) it’s because they know how much work (!) has to be done to get that “perfect” end product. Essentially, they’ve set the bar so high, they (unconsciously realize they) can’t reach it at all. 

The good news is, you can overcome these tendencies so that you can get unstuck and fulfill the goals you’ve set for yourself without worrying about your inner perfectionist getting in the way.

1. Set reasonable goals. The first step to ignoring your inner perfectionist is to get clear on what your goals are. If you’re trying to launch a new tennis racket onto the market for people with arthritis, you have to come up with realistic milestones and goals. For instance, a first goal might be hiring an occupational therapist to consult on how arthritis affects the hands and help you identify what an arthritic person would need in a tennis racket. Another goal could be getting that racket to market in the next two or three years. But if you give yourself goals like getting the racket to market in the next six months, you’ll be overwhelmed by the idea of working that hard for that long and end up not doing anything. Your procrastination will be masking your perfectionism.

2. Stop focusing on other people. They say comparison is the worst form of rejection, and they're right. When you have a good business idea, you can’t focus on what other people are doing. Sure, it helps to know your competitors and how your ideal market sees them, but if you fixate on what they’re doing and compare how you’re fairing, you can set off your perfectionism. Instead of getting things done, meeting deadlines, and achieving goals, you’ll end up stalling, waiting for some way to beat the competition. 

3. Question your fears. If you’re afraid to work hard for a long period of time, or are afraid to put your product into the world, ask yourself why? What is it about this work that is so scary? Maybe you had a parent who told you you weren’t good enough. Maybe you had a boss ridicule you and make you feel small. Whatever it is, once you can identify how and why it’s stopping you, you can overcome it and push through.

4. It’s okay to make mistakes. If nothing is good enough unless it’s perfect, then nothing is worth doing. Right? Wrong. When you’re gifted with the insight of a great idea, nothing should stand in your way from bringing it to fruition - especially not yourself and the idea that it needs to be perfect. The simple fact that you’ve been given the idea is proof that it needs to be created. In the book Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how if you ignore these sparks of creativity, the muses just bring them to someone else. And if you ignore them long enough, the muse stops offering you anything at all. Thus, if you don’t embrace making mistakes, and nothing is good enough unless it’s perfect, your idea will not be solidified. Your work will never see the light of day and the muses will offer the idea to someone else. 

5. Have self-compassion. We have so much compassion for other people, and yet we are our own harshest critics. Why is that? We need to start fostering self-compassion so that we can overcome our perfectionism. If we’re constantly worried that we’ve done something wrong, we won’t be able to get anything done. When we can accept that mistakes happen and there’s nothing wrong with that, we can finally follow your creativity.

Perfectionism is a tough trait to overcome, but it is possible, especially when we can identify what fuels it. We have to learn how to break the chain, create reasonable goals, focus on ourselves, and question our fears. If we don’t, we won’t ever learn to be free.

Ready to trade in your perfectionism for productivity?

It can be so hard to overcome our perfectionism as it’s usually a product of our upbringing and response to our experiences throughout life.

But it can - and should - be done! Certainly with the help of an experienced coach.

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Why do fast learners feel like imposters, and how to turn it into a superpower instead

Have you ever felt like that thing you know how to do isn’t special or unique because if you know how to do it, everybody else must know how to do it too? Does this cycle sound familiar?

1. Get excited about new thing.

2. Research new thing. 

3. Fall into a rabbit hole about new thing. 

4. Learn more.

5. Rabbit hole some more. 

6. Fix the thing.

7. Excited to tell everyone about the new stuff you know.

8. Get bored (nobody seems to care).

9. Move on.

Maybe somewhere in there, you think you can offer this service to other people, get excited about doing so, and then start believing everyone else must already know how to do it and why would they want to learn from you anyways…right?

I can honestly say that I spent a lot of my life feeling the same way. Well, at least until I debunked this idea and started recognizing that this just isn’t true. Most people aren’t like that. Most people see a problem and maybe get excited to learn about it for a little while but then ultimately decide they can’t do it on their own. So they give up. Or they never get excited to begin with and let their lack of knowledge stop them from pushing forward until they find someone else to help them navigate the problem. 

That is, there are people who see a problem and learn ten different ways to fix it, and there are people who call the problem solvers for help. And you know this because your phone or DMs are piping hot with calls and messages!? Even in corporate roles, you might be the one asked by someone in a completely different department to help them with something that isn’t even in your job description. Why? Because they know you know how to solve it. Duh! 

And yet - we still think this skill isn’t worth something? The part of me that has been healing my inner child for 20+ years believes it probably came from my parents, but in reality, it could have come from anywhere. I think we are programmed to feel this way by our environment. You know that saying, “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with,” well, it’s true. If the five people closest to you are telling you that what you know how to do isn’t that special and no one will care - you’re going to believe it. You’re going to feel like an impostor.

Unfortunately, I’m sure it bears repeating, it’s not true. It’s not only about all the stuff you know, it’s deeper than that: it’s about your capacity to learn new things and your insatiable hunger for knowledge. If you’re anything like me, you believe that is common to all people too! So why would you be any more capable to understand complex things or learn yourself a new skill than the next person? Well… because you’re a creative, a generalist, an entrepreneur. You are special and unique for knowing how to do it, and people will want to use those [your] skills in their life and business. You are worthy.

This ability is how our brain is structured. It’s literally a superpower!

So, what sets creatives and entrepreneurs apart from other people? Why is it our default to learn and find solutions to things? I’ve narrowed it down to three things:

1. We’re self-starters. We have this intrinsic motivation and confidence to begin projects on our own. We also have the resilience to navigate challenges and find alternative routes to the information and skills we are trying to learn. 

2. We have a hunger for knowledge. We literally want to learn the thing and until we learn it, nothing will get in our way. Think about all the times you were interested in something and the rest of the world started to fall away until you’d finished learning about it. That hunger to learn is what keeps our motivation moving. 

3. We have an incredible capacity to learn new things. It is easier to become a self-starter and cultivate a hunger for knowledge - these are learned traits - but the capacity to learn new things is something we are born with. 

Moreover, we have never met a problem we couldn’t solve. We know deep down that we can learn and do anything we set our minds to. This knowledge is so ingrained in us that it can be jarring to think that other people don’t possess these traits. Of course, they must have them; how could they not? Right? But they don’t. And that’s okay. This difference in brain structure is something completely unique to us and something that can greatly impact not only your life and work but the life and work of others. 

Now that we understand this, how can we truly accept it? Because really, it’s one thing to understand, and it’s another thing to accept a new reality. Understanding is easy to argue with. Acceptance is deeply rooted and helps challenge our past perceptions so we can hold firm to what actually is. 

To accept that we are uniquely capable of learning things and doing things when others are not - and that others will, and do, need our help with these things - we must:

1. Stop negating it. Stop correcting people when they praise you for knowing how to do something. Stop pretending that they could do it too. Stop telling them they can. Take the compliment, let it swell in your heart, and replace the old ideas that everyone is capable of this. 

2. Let that initial praise grow into confidence, but keep cultivating confidence on your own. When you start to feel like an imposter, work through those feelings. Try and figure out where they come from and then treat them like an episode of Myth Busters - prove why you’re wrong. And if you can’t, check out my blog on how to overcome imposter syndrome.

3. Debunk your doubts. Instead of believing every negative thought that pops into your head or the voice of your third-grade teacher who told you you weren’t capable of something, start listening to that other voice in your mind that says you are capable. The one thing people don’t talk about is how when we hear a doubt pop up in our mind, we also hear another voice saying, “That’s not true.” The problem is that the other voice is so quiet, we tend to believe it less. But if you can find the strength to listen to that small voice, you’ll give it the courage to get louder. The more you listen, the more it will call to you over the roar of your doubts until one day, your doubts are the quiet voice, and the little voice is the big one. 

You are innately capable of doing so many incredible things. You have to stop thinking that just because you can do something, everyone else must be able to do it, and therefore your work or thoughts on the matter are not worthwhile. Stop getting in your own way with these thoughts. I promise that not only are you special for being able to do that thing, but there’s also someone waiting for you to help them with that knowledge.

Want to learn how to debunk your doubts?

We all have them - doubts. But the really successful people don’t believe in them. They hear them and let them go.

This is a skill that can be learned and grown. It just takes time, attention, and some coaching. That’s where I come in. With my help, we can isolate your doubts and watch them crumble so you can finally go after the career or business that you want!

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How to unleash your full potential for success and overcome self-sabotage

The three biggest things holding you back from reaching your full potential for success are excuses, procrastination, and yes-buts. That’s it.

Everyone gets overwhelmed at some point in their lives and work. We have responsibilities that rely on our work but also tend to get in the way of it. When we use those responsibilities as ways to explain why we haven’t gotten something done or haven’t allowed ourselves to change in some way, we are just keeping ourselves stuck. 

Instead of finding reasons why we can’t do something we want to do, we have to realize that we are in control of our destiny. We can make whatever choices we want. In fact, in coming up with excuses or procrastinating, we are making a choice. We are actively inhibiting our ability to reach our full potential for success.

We are self-sabotaging our dreams. 

Think about the attorney who dreams of being an author. Every time they feel the urge to write their novel, they get distracted by their family, legal work, or and their inbox or develop the urge to clean the house. Every day they miss their dreams or taking a step in its direction. You might look at the attorney and say, “Hey! Just write!” And it is that simple, but when did you last listen that advice?

Two of the most common ways we make excuses and self-sabotage are procrastination and yes, but-ing. When I talk about procrastination in sessions, the first thing my clients tell me is how disappointed they are with themselves for procrastinating. They feel ashamed and guilty and can’t seem to understand why they can’t just do the thing - why they keep getting in their own way. 

The truth is we self-sabotage because we have a lack of motivation, a fear of failure or criticism, and difficulty defining our goals and tasks. It’s not that we have a lack of vision; it's almost as if we have too much vision, too much energy. Also, for those of us who are neurodivergent, procrastination tends to make work more interesting. We get a thrill from waiting until the last minute and pulling a project out of nowhere. But, while that might work one or two times, it’s not sustainable and will ultimately lead to burnout. 

The other type of excuse is yes, but-ing. This is where you agree with someone while simultaneously making an excuse as to why you can’t do something. 

“Yes, you’re right, I could do that, but…”

“Yes, I know, but…”

“Well, normally I’d say yes, but…” 

Yes, buts are statements that chop off your dominant hand before you even get going. They limit you from your true potential, block your path to success, and create space for doubt - in your mind and the mind of others. 

For instance, let’s say you had always dreamed of being an astronaut, but when you were in college, you failed physics. Now, you’d had a severe case of mono and were extremely sick. You should have dropped the course, but you were determined to pass. So even though you had a 102 fever for three weeks leading up to the final, and even though your teacher told you to retake the course because of all your absences from being sick, you took the final anyway and failed terribly.

Someone who doesn’t make excuses would look at this experience and say, “This sucks.” But they would take it over because they wanted to be an astronaut. But you decided that you failed physics because you were terrible at physics. When people said, “You failed because you were sick,” you responded, “Yes, I see what you are saying, but I failed because I am terrible at physics. I couldn’t be an astronaut because I couldn’t pass physics.” You limited yourself. You stopped yourself from reaching your full potential and doing something cool! - because you saw your failing grade as an excuse.

You self-sabotaged. 

So how do we stop? One of the ways to stop making excuses for ourselves is to recognize that we are making an excuse and address it. 

1. Is the excuse valid? Would I believe it if someone else said it to me?

2. Why am I afraid of moving forward? What is that fear trying to tell me?

3. What’s the worst that can happen?

4. If I listen to this excuse and do nothing, what will happen?

5. What will happen if I don’t listen to this excuse and take action instead?

6. Do I really want to change?

7. What is my next step here?

Other ways to shake up your thoughts and stop self-sabotaging include: 

1. Flip your “yes, buts” to “yes, ands.”

2. Get organized and clear your work and living space.

3. Focus on the present moment. 

4. Limit distractions as much as possible. 

5. Celebrate small wins along the way. 

You know that saying, “everything you want is just outside your comfort zone,” is true. When you leave your comfort zone of cushy excuses and sweet self-sabotage, you start getting what you are working for. You stop feeling like the world is working against you and instead begin seeing how it works with you. 

The end of self-sabotage is the beginning of success. Don’t forget that!

Ready to stop self-sabotaging?

Sabotaging ourselves can sometimes feel like it is ingrained in our bones. So how can you be expected to break free?

With my help, of course. In our sessions, we will work together to figure out the root cause of your self-sabotaging tendencies and create behavioral tools to help you flip those automatic responses so you can finally achieve your full potential for success.

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