Career & Business Coaching Blog.
Inspiration and tips for multi-passionate creatives & entrepreneurs.
How to build in rest so you can be productive
I’ve worked so hard to get my book, Get Unstuck!, finished and am super excited to announce the official release date for all editions is October 25th! However, right now, you can preorder the Kindle Edition and save yourself a couple of bucks! All copies come with a free workbook to help you identify what is getting you stuck and how to overcome that mindset so you can go after what you want - as well as tons of prompts to help you achieve the steps to get there! But there’s more! With your preorder, you’ll also get a personal invitation to my virtual book launch in November 2023!
I think the best part about watching a goal come to fruition is knowing that on the other side is some much-needed rest. I’m grateful to be able to take resets. They’re so important to me and my ability to help my business flourish. When I decided to get myself unstuck, I knew that I had to build in pockets of time off. It was scary to admit that I wasn’t a robot who could work 18-hour days, 7 days a week without needing a break - that’s what we are trained to do, isn’t it? No complaining, just working.
But once I finally admitted that I wasn’t a robot, that I needed rest, and that rest would actually make me better at what I did, everything else slid into place. With more rest, and holidays or breaks to look forward to, I became more productive with my time. Instead of doom-scrolling, I was focused on what I needed to get done.
Is this something you struggle with? Have you been raised - like most of us were - to think that work meant grueling hours, always busy, always struggling, and always feeling bad about what you were missing out on?
If you nodded your head yes to any of that, it’s time to start redirecting that thought process. Here’s how:
Build work boundaries. If you want to have more time for yourself and feel rejuvenated at work, you need to start building boundaries at work. If you are contracted to work 8 am - 5 pm, don’t bring your work home with you. Leave it at work. If you want to see your son’s football game, or your daughter’s fencing competition, or even just go home and bake a cake, you have to make your boundaries clear and then stick to them as much as you can. The more you do this, the more you will see that the work-life balance all the gurus talk about becomes your reality.
Ditch the busywork. I’m a huge proponent of productivity versus busywork. If you’re constantly busy but never getting anything done, you aren’t really busy, you’re just filing your time. If, instead, you focus on getting the thing that needs to be done in a certain amount of time, without distractions, you’ll find you can get more done and be able to rest or refresh outside of that time. And if you aren’t sure how to start, check out the Pomodoro Method. You set a timer for 25 minutes and that is your productive, focused time. After the 25 minutes, you get a five-minute break. You do that over and over again until the work is done. You’ll be surprised at how much you end up working through in those short 25 minutes when you have five minutes built in to breathe.
Visualize the life you want. When you visualize the life you want, you end up motivating yourself to do the small tasks that will get you there. For example, if you want to go to medical school at 35 years old, you need to believe in yourself and have a clear vision of the life you want to get you through the challenges that medical school will present. By getting clear on that vision, you can see how the difficult experiences you have now are helping you get there.
Develop better time management skills. As you learn to manage your time better, you are actually loosening your grip on it. When we focus too much on the time we have left to do something, we can get overwhelmed quickly. Instead focus on how you can maximize the time you have to get the most done. You’ll finish your day feeling fulfilled and ready to start the next day.
Make time to meditate. There are several forms of meditation - mindfulness, transcendental meditation, walking meditations, and more. You can choose whichever one works best in the moment, but the point is to stay consistent. Meditation has been shown to lower your heart rate, help with stress and anxiety, and also increase your cognition. When you meditate, you’re giving your brain time to relax, which can help you think more clearly while you’re working. Even just five minutes a day can provide you with real rest that will boost your productivity, ease your stress, and help you figure out the steps you need to take to get unstuck. It’s really an amazing thing!
Changing our mindset around rest and work is the most crucial step in getting unstuck and having the life we want. So what are you waiting for? Let’s get going!
Time to reset your mindset!
Mindset work is the most important step in all of my work, but it’s also the hardest.
If you haven’t been able to shift your mindset on your own, I can help! My clients and I work diligently to figure out exactly how your brain interprets the world and then create a plan to shift that interpretation. It’s pretty incredibly what we can do together!
Now vs. the future: how to do one thing now vs. wanting to do all the things
Most people overestimate what they can do in short periods but underestimate what they can do in long periods of time.
Think about it, when you decide to do something, you always think you can get a dozen things done in a really short period of time. Take the new entrepreneur who wants to start a lifestyle blog. They’ll give themselves some sort of short deadline and think they can put a whole website together, start a TikTok and Instagram, get a few pieces of content out on a few platforms, and start marketing themselves. But then if they have a six-month deadline, they’ll think it’s too far into the future, that they have plenty of time, procrastinate on getting things done, and end up wasting time or even not getting things done at all.
Neither is a particularly good way of working and both styles can end up crashing and burning - the blog never starting, the entrepreneur getting bored, and something else “more” interesting catching their interest.
Obviously, this isn’t a great way to start, or do, anything, especially not for an entrepreneur as it leaves us open to missed opportunities and simultaneous burnout and boredom. The best, most successful entrepreneurs are the ones who know how to do more than one thing without wanting to do everything (right now), and can give themselves realistic timelines and tasks to get things done.
1. Never choose forever, just what’s in the moment. When you have an idea for a business or a way to change your life, you have to give yourself a realistic timeline and action list.
In the case of the new blogger, doing a small amount of research on website building and digital marketing techniques could help them identify just how long it takes to get a cohesive, working, and aesthetic website together, while also getting their name out there and drumming up buzz for their work. If they chose a deadline farther in the future - or decided on some arbitrary deadline - it may make them lose interest.
The goal is to keep interest high and get the necessary work done as quickly as possible and without forgetting anything.
2. You can do everything, but you can’t do everything right now. Another aspect of staying engaged is recognizing that you can do everything. Every idea that pops into your head comes from some sort of intuition and guidance. They should be followed, even if just to see how they wouldn’t work in this business or new reality. However, there is a time and place for each. You can do everything, but you can’t do everything all at once.
For the blogger in our example, they may want to set up the website, get out a new blog, create a few social media posts, set up a LinkedIn referral program, design a reel cover on Canva, and organize Quickbooks for the inevitable UGC or influencer partnerships she believes are coming their way. While all those things are great and necessary to the success of their new business, there is no need to do them all at once. Instead, the entrepreneur should decide on a timeline and figure out what steps need to be taken on day one. If it were me, I’d focus on getting the website and social media set up, as well as social media teezer and my first blog. Once that’s gone out, I’d start a content calendar, and decide on branding, and my main message. From there, I’d work on the administrative things or wait until my first partnership before getting them created so that I knew exactly what to create. Of course, the main focus I would always have is to sell and make sure I reach my ideal clients or users.
There is a time and place for everything, but if we get caught up in getting everything done, we’ll never get anything done. Instead, we have to focus on what to do now, in this moment, and then move forward from there.
Constantly worried about all the things you have to do?
It can be difficult to identify what needs to be done now, versus what can be done later - especially when we’re excited about a new idea or business.
As a career and business coach, I’ve started working with entrepreneurs who are looking to excel in their target market space. If you have a business idea, don’t know where to start, and need someone to chat with, I’d love to help.
Are you perpetually learning and never doing - aka hiding in the learning stage?
Have you ever gone on vacation and not actually been on vacation? Do you know what I mean?
As entrepreneurs, it can be really easy to fall into a trap of taking a holiday and instead of relaxing on the beach or fully immersing yourself in the culture around you, your mind wanders back to work and before you know it you’re spending your free time reading up on work documents, doom scrolling social media, and hyperfixating on what you are forgetting.
What’s the point of taking a holiday then?
Yes, maybe sometimes we come back feeling a little more relaxed, but not really. More often than not we come back completely neutral, if not a tad more frazzled because of how much time we “took off.”
That’s got to change. And not only on holidays! We have to start putting boundaries around our holidays - and our time - and sticking to them. We have to recognize that these boundaries are important to our mental health, our stamina, and even our work because a burned out entrepreneur is not a healthy, productive entrepreneur. If we are constantly pressuring ourselves to get in extra work, we are more than likely going to jump ship for something new a minute later (#creativegeneralist). But to stay focused on our current goal, we have to take time to be off the clock and truly relax.
Say it with me: vacations are for relaxing, not for overproduction.
Another common trait we share as creative entrepreneurs is falling into the trap of perpetually learning and never actually doing. I’ve had countless clients say they have to learn something new before they can do XYZ. When that happens, you know what most of us end up doing? That’s right: working while we are on holiday or having a day off. Which is frustrating, overwhelming, and can easily lead to burnout.
I had a client that always thought she had to do one more thing before she could get the first thing done. One time she messaged me saying she would be getting an Instagram post up ASAP. I knew it was a big step for her. But then I waited and the post never showed up. I messaged her asking what happened and she told me she decided it would be better as a blog post but before she could write the blog post, she had to update her website. She gave herself more work instead of just posting an graphic and caption!
She was hiding in the learning stage.
I think that’s true for all of us: when something is particularly scary or big, we hide in the learning stage so we don’t have to actually do the thing. When I did improv, it was so much fun to learn theories and techniques, but actually getting on stage to practice my “yes, ands” was terrifying. I was much more comfortable learning - about improv, myself, my classmates, etc. - than I was actually doing a show.
When we remain in the learning stage of a project, we get to sit in our comfort zone. No one can expect anything from us because hey, “we’re still learning!”. But once we decide to go for it - and do the thing - suddenly there are expectations, restrictions, and requirements for the quality of our work. This can be terrifying. Especially for the new entrepreneur or creative generalist who is just deciding to step out on their own and do what they’ve been dreaming of their whole lives.
So, how do we get to the doing part? How do we learn what we need to learn and then get unstuck and get going?
Stop yourself. When you’re learning something, give yourself a deadline for when you have to be done. By September 1st, I will be done learning about cybersecurity tools and start putting them into my websites. Giving yourself a deadline is a great way to force yourself out of the learning stage and into the doing stage.
Give yourself guidelines. Learning new things can be intoxicating and addicting, but you can prevent yourself from always staying in the learning stage by giving yourself explicit guidelines for your research. For example, if you’re trying to learn about car engines, you probably will need to know about other parts of a car, but you should limit your research to just the car. Don’t start looking at the history of the automobile, how GMC started, and why Ford was fired from his jobs (yes, I see you!). Stick to the research you need to do and then move on when it’s done.
Keep a log. Having a research log where you write down what you’ve done and how much time you’ve spent doing it can really help you see the amount of time you’ve spent learning. It will also remind you that to get the thing done on your timeline, you have to move on and start doing.
Set clear goals. If there’s something you want to do - whether in work or life - having clear goals about what it is and what research needs to be done will help it come to fruition faster.
Trust yourself. Yes, getting stuck perpetually learning can be disastrous and an amazing way to procrastinate forever, but sometimes the best thing you can do is trust yourself. Why are you still learning? What are you trying to accomplish by continuing to research? There might be something that your gut is telling you that your mind can’t understand and the only way to get to the doing stage is to complete the learning stage. By trusting yourself, you’re giving yourself permission to learn for as long as you need because you know that you will start the doing stage when the time is right. And that’s okay too.
Being a perpetual learner can completely hinder your ability to get unstuck and get work done or achieve the things in your life that you want. By creating boundaries for yourself and your learning, you can stop when you need to and shift into doing. That being said, its also important to remember that sometimes the doing can’t happen till your gut feels content with the learning. So trust yourself. You’ve got this!
Want to take a break?
"Taking a break" doesn't always mean you have to spend a fortune traveling the world. It can be as simple as shutting down your laptop for an extended period and immersing yourself in activities that truly fulfill you.
But if the mere thought of taking a break leaves you anxious, you’re fears are over – I'm here to assist! My creative and entrepreneurial clients come from all walks of life and all corners of the world. And all of them need support in finding the right work-life balance. Together, we'll help you get out of procrastination and “always learning mode”, so you can finally take action - and enjoy your holidays!
5 Ways for Creative Generalists to Build Better Boundaries
I like to think that setting boundaries is a version of self-care. It creates a rule or limit that I can impose on others to protect myself. And no one can get upset with me for creating a boundary - well they can and probably will, but they shouldn’t and it won’t be for me to worry about. It’s on them.
When you build boundaries, you’re telling others what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Other reasons why setting boundaries is important - and necessary, include getting the respect you deserve and growing your own self-respect, improving your emotional health and relationships, warding off burnout, and decreasing your stress and anxiety.
Think about it: when you aren’t busy worrying what others will think when you ask for something you need, if you could get work done without being distracted by a colleague who just wants to chat, or if you could go to the movies by yourself just because you want to, things would be so much easier. You’d be able to breathe and better show up for what really matters in your life
Creative generalists are people who are good at multiple things. Most people try to niche down and become an expert in one specific thing, but creative generalists can’t. Our brains are wired differently and we need fresh ideas, new topics, and an array of things to study to feel fulfilled. I myself have worked in marketing, philosophy, the web, digital marketing, coaching, and as a consultant for start-ups. I’m also a start-up founder, a researcher, and a writer. If I hadn’t discovered that I was a creative generalist, I would have continued to try and fit myself in the box society built for people who enjoy niching down, but I would have felt miserable that I couldn’t follow my many interests for the rest of my life.
Creative generalism may sound like a person who wants to do just one thing, but really it’s about wanting to do all the things. Being a Jack/Jill/Jay of all trades. Unfortunately, it can also mean we’re more prone to avoiding boundaries and getting sucked into all. the. things.
For real, think about all the hobbies you have started and abandoned. Think of all the books you tossed aside when they became repetitive. Or think of the fact that you have multiple jobs or interests in various fields and are always daydreaming about pursuing them. If this is you, my friend, I have news for you: you’re a creative generalist.
Welcome to the club!
With that in mind, here are five ways to build better boundaries so you can get back to doing the work that makes you feel fulfilled.
Learn to say no. It’s so important to say no. You have to stop agreeing to do things you don’t really want to do. To paraphrase Mark Manson in The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, if it’s not a, “Hell yes!” It’s a “F*ck no.”
Know yourself well. When you are self-aware and have reflected on who you are and what you want, you will have a clear idea of the boundary that needs to be drawn. There is nothing worse than feeling like a boundary should be put into place for a while, but being unclear of what you need, and then blowing up at someone, or getting overwhelmed, and enforcing the boundary in a hostile state. If you know what you need, and you’re clear about why you need it, you can articulate it clearly and be heard more openly.
Know what matters to you. It’s important to know what kind of life you want and what kind of person you want to be before you can effectively put boundaries into place. If you don’t know what matters to you, how do you know if those boundaries are actually important - they may be misplaced.
Make sure you know what your skills are - both the hard and soft ones. By knowing what you can do, you’ll be able to figure out what work - or life decisions - are meant for you. For instance, if one of your soft skills is working in a collaborative setting, you might not be happy working independently for long periods of time. When you know the environment you thrive in and the skills you want to use, it’s easier to pick things that actually align with you.
Practice flexibility. None of these steps are easy, but for creative generalists looking to build , trying to also be flexible for when life gets in the way, can be extremely challenging. But it’s important. Learning when you can be flexible and still feel good about having, and asserting, a boundary is the most important mindset to adopt.
Most of the creative generalists I know - myself included - are also perfectionists, people-pleasers, and Type A overachievers. We want to do the best, say yes to everything, and if it doesn’t work out, we have a tendency to crumble. But that’s because we don’t have good boundaries! We aren’t saying no to work, events, and other things that don’t align with what matters to us, what the skills we want to use are, and what we know we want to be doing. We are being inflexible.
We can’t move forward and take up space in a way that truly represents who we are until we can create boundaries and stick to them (when needed).
Ready to build a boundary that doesn’t crumble?
Building boundaries is hard, but so is living a life where you feel stuck because no one listens to your wants and needs (including yourself).
When we work together, we figure out those five things above. We get into the nitty gritty of who you want to be and start crafting boundaries to get you there.
How to say “no” to protect your creative time
“Why did I say “yes” to this thing? What was I thinking?! Why do I keep over-committing myself, and feeling like crap as a result?” When was the last time you mumbled this to yourself on the way to a commitment you regretted saying “yes” to? Not so long ago, I bet.
When was the last time you said “no” to an opportunity, ask or time-consuming project? “How do I even say do that!?”, you might be wondering.
Trust me, it IS possible.
We don’t say “no” because it makes us feel bad, guilty, or worried. “What will people think of me?” How many times have you been asked to do something you REALLY didn’t want to do, but still said “yes”? It happens to creatives and entrepreneurs all the time! And it sure has happened to me many times, too.
In a way, everyone prefers to say “yes”.
When someone asks us for something we don’t want to disappoint. We’ve been raised to listen to other people’s needs. We’re told that saying “no” might burn bridges, or that it might jeopardise a relationship. If someone is willing to disconnect and ignore you when you say “no” to them, perhaps they needed that “no” the most though…
The truth is: saying “yes” is the easy, people-pleaser response. But it’s not always the best one. At least it’s not the best one for you if you want to protect your creative time.
After all, there must be a good reason why you’re reading this. You might be a bit of a perfectionist, have high standards, tend to people-please. I’m here to tell you, you shouldn’t do this at the expense of your time, energy and sanity. Chronic fatigue is real and over-working and over-exerting yourself can lead to under-performance in all areas of your life.
This is not the way to more – or sustainable – productivity.
Prioritise Yourself
You can’t control what other people think and feel but you CAN be in charge of yourself.
When you have an overwhelming list of to-dos – where do you even start? Trust me, I was there, and I did a lot of trial and error to find tools, tips and tricks that actually work! Whether in life, career, or business. I left the corporate world to pursue a smarter and more sustainable way of living – I followed my dreams because they grew too loud to ignore.
Uncovering what is sabotaging your productivity is unique to you (and that’s where I come in). It’s not just about the work anymore, it’s about meaningful and joyful work. It’s about prioritising the right things, and not just any things. It’s about addressing habits that no longer serve you, to make space in your life for what really matters.
Now let’s get back to saying “no”.
Saying “no” can feel spooky or weird. It may or may not result in hurt feelings. But every time you say “yes” when you *really* want to say “no”, you’re actually saying “no” to yourself. The busier you are with other people’s requests means less time for yourself. At first it might seem like you’re helping others, doing your job or being a team player, but there’s a difference between doing good, and overworking just because you think you have to.
That’s where you need to differentiate and learn to say “no”.
Saying “no”
“Let me get back to you on that.”
“It’s not a good time for me right now.”
“I have a lot on my plate right now, I’m gonna have to pass.”
(For more ways to say “no” graciously, click here)
We’re all balancing A LOT. When you decide to work overtime, you’re saying “no” to a social life, hobbies, passions, relationships or even your wildest dreams.
Sometimes, when we get into a cycle of saying “yes” all the time, we are blindsided by the fact we’re saying “yes” to unimportant activities. Granted, some of those activities might be important to others. That doesn’t make them valuable to you. We internalise the idea that by saying “yes”, those requests are important to us as well. When in reality it’s not the request that’s important, but rather the idea that we’re doing something, which in turn makes us believe we’re being productive. (But why, then, aren’t you moving forward on your own dreams?!)
That’s a problem.
By saying “yes” to other people, you’re losing touch with your own needs. With your purpose. It might feel good for a while to be appreciated for your time, energy and talents. But how sustainable is it for you to say “yes” to everybody all the time? The fact is: you will eventually burn out.
Aim for the Right Target
At work things can get even trickier. If you’re giving out “yesses” too easily, you might end up sacrificing your own ideas, and projects to pursue someone else’s. Is that going to work out for you in the long run? Probably not. By fulfilling someone else’s vision, you’re following someone else’s breadcrumbs, building someone else’s dream… Essentially, you’re going to end up at the wrong house. I know, because I’ve been in front of ugly front doors many times!
Always consider how you invest your time and energy. Whether that’s leading towards a goal or dream you have, or away from the ones you don’t want to take part in. This way, you’ll have time to choose opportunities that align more closely with YOUR goals. The more you do this, the more those opportunities will present themselves – it’s like magic, believe me!
Say “no” to following the breadcrumbs.
Say “no” to building other people’s dreams.
Say “no” to relationships that are no longer working.
If there isn’t an element of authenticity, or reciprocity, or if you don’t feel deeply connected to giving to someone else, you need to practice the art of saying “no”.
Did you know? Saying “no” is also a huge productivity hack.
I’m in the business of getting #SmartWork to as many multi-talented creatives and entrepreneurs as possible (psst that includes you!). Once you start believing that it’s okay to say “no” and how to turn down requests politely, you’ll free up so much time to rest, recuperate and realign to your inner voice, and where you really want to be going.
After all, we could all use less work, and shorter to do-lists, couldn’t we?
Reclaim Your Time
Time is our most precious resource. We can never get it back.
How we spend our time can often feel like a loss, especially when our heart wasn’t fully into it. We don’t want to *waste* time. But what are we really doing, when we’re spending it on other people’s wishes? That’s not to say we can never be there and help, only that we should do it with care and consideration.
As a professional coach for many years, my clients come to me because they’re fed up with losing so much precious time. What’s the next step? What do I do? How do I reclaim my time? How do I achieve my dreams? Those are some of the common questions I get asked when we start working together.
Part of it is #SmartWork – how do you get productive without feeling like you’re constantly running out of time and energy? A slice of that pie is learning to say “no”. And knowing that it’s okay.
Would you rather say “yes” and be unhappy? Or “no” and be fulfilled? It’s up to you… Part of it is finding the courage to stand up for yourself.
In the end, if you’re not saying “yes” to yourself you’re saying it to someone else’s dreams and projects.
An experiment to try: In the next two weeks, I’d love for you to say “no” to at least three things you usually say “yes” to but then feel resentful about. What shifts are you noticing? Is it getting easier? What other options is this unlocking for you? Let me know x
How to say “no” without feeling guilty
I get a lot of emails from people who want to partner with me or have *irresistible* offers for me. They’ve got THE app that will quadruple my productivity or the system that will boost my website traffic into the millions. Usually I dismiss those emails (because you know what… you don’t have to reply to unsolicited email… no really, you DON’T) but sometimes the pitch will be *really* good, or the way the email is put together shows someone with a brain actually sat down behind a keyboard to write it. In that case, I might reply. Like I did last week, when I got an email from an airline magazine offering me a once in a lifetime deal to have my work featured in their upcoming onboard edition.
I was intrigued (not in the least by the outdated information they had about my business, which goes to show that there’s more that triggers me besides great pitches) so I decided to give it a shot.
Long story short, last Friday my phone rang. It was the airline magazine people. Quickly I realized the great deal was in fact an emergency cover-up on the side of the magazine, who had lost one of their advertisers last minute.
My business could be featured in the magazine instead. But to make it work I needed to act fast and provide a suitable ad by the end of the weekend, pay a (ahem) exceptionally discounted fee, change copy on my website, and be on stand-by all Monday for changes that would – most probably – be requested. Of course, all this without any certainty of return on my investment.
All in all not such a great deal after all.
With all the ifs above, and because I profoundly dislike last minute marketing (hello marketing plan) I told the friendly magazine representative that I wasn’t interested, at least not until the fee was so low that I couldn’t pass on the opportunity. I shared with her how disruptive this opportunity was for me, how I’d have to pay premium to my designer to work on such short notice, kiss relax and recreation my weekend plans goodbye, rearrange my marketing budget to squeeze in a magazine. All of which without knowing if it will result in any tangible business. After a short pause she took a breath and thanked me. Told me that she understood where I was coming from and wished she could give me a better rate. Since she couldn’t though, we said goodbye and left it at that.
I’m mentioning this experience because it’s a great example of how I’ve learned to say “no” in an authentic way, and how effective such clarity and honesty can be.
When you think of it, most requests are usually a “no” or a “yes”, but rarely a “maybe”. Even so, we turn most of our “nos” into delayed “yeses” floating around for way too long as “maybes”. Why? We don’t want to disappoint, we’re afraid we won’t be liked, or we haven’t learned how to do it properly (that’s most of us by the way).
The truth is: dancing around a “no” takes so much more time and effort than offering a gracious one immediately. It’s really not that hard. No, REALLY, it isn’t.
You can say something like:
Thank you so much for thinking of me, but right now I’m focusing on X so I won’t have time to do Y for the next Z.
I love the idea but I’m currently going all in on this new project I’m working on, so I’ll have to pass.
I’m so honoured you’ve thought of me, but I promised myself I wouldn’t take on any more work for now, so I won’t be able to help you. I can give you some referrals instead if that would help.
This sounds like a great opportunity but it doesn’t fit in the plan I’ve created for myself. I do know someone who might be just what you’ve been looking for, shall I introduce you?
Saying “no” doesn’t need to take long, be difficult, or put anybody off. All you need to do is be clear and honest about your situation, and explain why you cannot go in on the request.
That’s all.
Once you’ve mastered the art of saying “no” graciously, it will become one of your biggest allies in protecting your time so you can focus on what that really matters to you: your dreams and nobody else’s.
PS: If saying “no” is somewhat tricky for you, I’ve put together a free soulful productivity challenge that might be just what you need. In it I share everything I know about how to do your best work in a way that flows and feels easy. Including how to set boundaries and protect your time so you can do the things you really want to do. Click here to learn more (and sign-up :)).
How to set healthy boundaries and stop being a pushover
If you’ve stopped by my blog before you might know I’m a highly sensitive recovering people-pleaser, topped as a recovering perfectionist. Yes, I know! A cocktail of traits that is now one of my biggest strengths though, even if it wasn’t always like that. In fact as a child, and quite a bit into my adult life too, these traits were a real pain, and turned me into a gigantic pushover.
Defining personal boundaries
Before taking you down pushover lane, I want to frame a few things. First, let’s look at what being a pushover really means. According to the online Cambridge dictionary it’s someone who is easily persuaded, influenced or defeated. Now let’s define boundaries. According to the same source a boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something. A personal boundary then becomes a guidelines, rule or limit that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. That’s according to Wikipedia.
What life looks like without personal boundaries
My personal history is full of pushover stories. In fact, before I realized how problematic my personal boundaries where – or that one could actually define them, it was the only way I knew how to be. It’s not that I didn’t have a meaning about things, or that I didn’t have desires, but something always made me go for someone else’s wish, I was always persuaded that someone else’s idea was better than mine, and practically everyone I encountered had influence on me.
When I talk about this pushover past with people today, most of them are surprised. If you’ve ever spent time with me, worked on a project with me, or been at one of my workshops, you might be surprised too.
I’m not really the pushover type… In fact, I’m sort of strong-willed, I definitely know what I want, and I pretty good at taking action towards it.
Why was I so easily influenced? What did I do to change? Those are the questions I want to answer with this post. Because working my way to healthy boundaries changed my life entirely.
Before… I would want to go see a romantic comedy with a friend, and end up in the cinema watching the latest Van Diesel shoot-em-up.
Before… I would plan a relaxing spa weekend with the boyfriend, and end up at adventure camp for 3 days.
Before… I would long for a delicious vegetarian meal, and end up at Buffalo Grill.
… yes, I know… that’s what life looks like without personal boundaries.
From the examples above you can clearly see that the problem wasn’t in the wished or desires. Deep down I’ve always known what I wanted – as I believe most pushovers do, and also sort of articulated it. The problem was with the boundaries. They were too weak to withstand other people. As soon as someone had a different idea they would bend or break.
I mentioned a few of the typical scenarios that were my life above, but there were others – far less pleasant ones. A lack of personal boundaries can get you into the most annoying, and frustrating situations (if not worse!). Believe me, I’ve been there:
Doing things I didn’t really want to do just because someone asked me to.
Spending time with someone I didn’t want to be with just because that person showed up at my doorstep.
Pretending I agreed with others just because they had a different point of view.
Doing someone else’s homework just because they’d asked me to.
Letting someone kiss me that I didn’t really like just because that person wanted to.
Not being able to leave the office late at night, when I was exhausted, just because someone asked me to stay.
Not eating healthy just because everyone was else decided to order pizza.
Not doing what I really wanted to do just because someone wanted to do something else instead.
How to set healthy boundaries for yourself
I’d love to tell you that all at once, one beautiful morning I woke up with healthy personal boundaries. But it didn’t go that way. In my case – and in the case of many of my clients – the first step is awareness (isn’t it always?). In order to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you have to start by recognizing there’s a problem. And the way you do that is by asking yourself the right questions:
Did I really want to do this?
Am I really happy with my friends asking me to do that?
What would I have done if I was the one in charge? (this is a big one, believe me!)
Then, when there’s awareness, you have to figure out what you really want (so this would be step two). A great question to ask yourself to get clear on your own desires is this one:
If I could have it all my way, what would I really want?
When you’re aware, and you know what you want, it’s time to decide where you’ll draw the line. This is the step where you set your boundaries. Imagine you’re sick and tired of always ending up watching the wrong movie in the theatre. You could set a boundary that states that whatever happens you’ll stick to your choice of movie. Because why else would you go there in the first place?
Do this with every area of your life, based on your answers to the questions above, and you’ll have a set of very healthy, and beneficial boundaries to call your own. Before ending, there’s one last – pretty important – thing I want to address.
How to enforce your boundaries
It’s all good, and well to set boundaries, know what you want, and be aware of what you need. But there’s a whole world out there of people, of which the closest ones to you won’t be used to you being so clear, and firm about what you want.
At first specifically, your boundaries will be fragile, and the opinions of others (how well intended they may be) will make you doubt yourself, and falter. To help me enforce my boundaries, I’ve come to rely on three things:
My values: I’ve become really clear about what I stand for, and believe in. As a result, I’m able to safeguard my boundaries much better than if I wasn’t quite sure what I believed in, or stood for. When someone tries to convince me to go for Buffalo Grill now instead of delicious vegetarian food. Well… no!
Self-love: Nothing helps you safeguard your boundaries better than self-love. The biggest issue with being a pushover is often that you’ve become accustomed to coming last. What you want, need, or desire isn’t as important as what someone else is asking for. By focusing on self-love you’re essentially focusing on yourself, and making you your number one priority.
Trusting myself: I saved the best for last. If you want healthy boundaries I believe you need to learn to trust yourself. At least that’s how it went for me. Whatever choice you’re faced with, there’s always the voice within, and the voice outside. Pushovers trust the voice outside, people with healthy boundaries trust the voice within. You know why? Because it always knows best.
Now tell me, how do you maintain healthy personal boundaries? Let me know in the comments below, I’d really love to know.