How to learn from criticism without letting it take you down

I’m a recovering people-pleaser. For years, I’ve dreaded criticism more than anything else. Because every time someone criticized me, it was a reminder that I was not perfect – something that was really hard for me to bare – and a painful reminder that I wasn’t pleasing someone else.

The funny thing is, for all those years, I actually thought I could handle criticism pretty well. I prided myself on it. When someone would criticize me, I’d think I was handling it in the best way possible, listening and engaging in a conversation about it, and giving space to the opinion of those who criticized me, pretending it was for my own good. But I was wrong.

Constructive criticism was having the opposite effect on me. It wasn’t making me become a better person at all, it was just hurting me to listen to what someone had to say about me.

For many years, constructive criticism was something I really couldn’t handle, and it was totally wasted on me or, worse, it would take me down and I would need time to recover.

And that’s how it is with many people-pleasers. The need to please is so strong that anything that gets in the way of that – like criticism, even the good kind – will be devastating.

So how do you benefit from constructive criticism without letting it take you down?

#1: What people say about you – even if it’s useful to you – does not define you.

You are much more, immensely more, than the comments that someone makes about you. So don’t give those words more meaning than they have, or more power. It’s good to have an open mind and listen to other people’s opinions, even if it’s about you, and even if it’s not all that positive, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or not a nice person, or not worthy of love. People criticizing you has nothing to do with any of that, and should never define you. You define you; nobody else does.

#2: You are not here to please others, you’re here to love yourself first.

It’s good to listen to constructive criticism, because depending on what it’s about, it can really help you: to be a better version of yourself, to have more meaningful relationships, or to improve on pretty much any area of your life and business or career. But, you’re not here to please others. That’s not your purpose on this planet. So it’s not because someone criticizes you that your world should end, or that you even have an obligation to listen. I believe that you’re here to love yourself first and foremost, and that means that you only need to listen if you feel it will help you, and that that in turn will make you a happier person.

#3: Keep your ego out of it.

My ego has been one of the biggest struggles for me to overcome in order to move past people-pleasing (and many other things, believe me). That little voice, the everlasting critic that really makes your life difficult and unpleasant, does not come from the outside, but from within. And when someone gives you constructive comments about yourself, that little thing is going to kick and scream. The best way to really profit from what is being told to you is to let your ego out of it. It’s a hard thing to do, I know; it is a constant struggle for me. But it really is the best way, and it really will make you happier and more fulfilled in the end.

#4: Don’t confuse plain old cheap critique with constructive criticism.

Never forget that constructive criticism is meant to create, not to destroy. As a people-pleaser, it’s difficult to understand the difference, and to know what to listen to and what not to. My rule of thumb is to always try and see things from the other person’s perspective. I ask myself: What would I think if I was in her shoes? And that helps me to listen with an open mind and see the experience as a way for me to grow.

In the end, it’s up to you what you do with constructive criticism. You can choose not to listen to it. But, ever since I’ve started listening better, I’ve been able to “handle it” better, and I’ve profited from it. It’s helped me to get to know myself better, and to explore parts of me that were more challenging to get in touch with. And overall, it made me happier.

How about you? How are you dealing with constructive criticism?

How to listen to your intuition, especially when it’s saying “no”

Intuition is something beautiful. It’s a mix of intrinsic knowledge, past experiences, and picking up on the energies that are all around us. And I’m not saying this in a woo woo way. I mean situations like when a particular person enters a room, and the entire room is lit up. Or, quite to the contrary, when a person enters the party, and all of a sudden the mood is busted – for good. That’s energy, and it’s the kind I’m talking about here. We’ve all experienced this at least once in our lives. So have you. And, when you come to think of it, when you were in the presence of the person that busted the party, you probably just knew that something was off with them. And that, dear girlfriend, was your intuition talking.

But maybe you didn’t notice your intuition, or maybe you didn’t hear it at all. Because although we’re all born with intuition and strong instincts, as we grow older, a lot of us lose touch with it. And I was no exception to this.

Although I was a very intuitive child, and a small girl that looked at the world with my feelings more than my eyes, I lost that connection to the deeper part of me almost entirely as I grew up. So for the biggest part of my adult life, I didn’t know I had intuition, nor did I hear it calling out to me.

When I stepped into my adult self, I tried so hard to silence my intuition in favour of what I thought was expected of me – or worse – what I thought I needed to think or be like in order to be loved, accepted, and ultimately be successful in my life and my businesses. And I played a very good trick on myself by becoming very good at it, to the point that I lost my intuition almost entirely.

As one of my main goals of these past few years, I vowed to reconnect with myself on a deeper level, and listening to my intuition has been a major part of that.

What started as a little voice inside of me, after a few months, became a strong sense of knowing what to do in a lot of situations. Like when you meet someone and you instinctively know something is off or that this person is not made for you. Well, by silencing my intuition, I had come to neglect those thoughts and feelings, and to allow too many people into my life and businesses, even while somehow knowing that that was wrong. Leaving very little room for those who actually mattered. And leaving me drained of mental and emotional energy on too many occasions.

Throughout the past years, I’ve started to rely on my intuition more and more. In my private life, it made me decide to let go of friendships that weren’t really meant for me and to allow new kinships to flourish – ones that I never would have thought of before, but that turned out to be amongst the best connections I’ve ever made. In my businesses, it has helped to guide me and decide what routes to take and what not to do, by really thinking about what I wanted most for myself and for my team.

But more than that, I learned to say no. Because so often your intuition will tell you to. And that was a big one for me. Both in my private life and in my businesses. Privately, listening to the urge to say no and create boundaries for myself allowed me to choose better who I give all of my love to and for whom there is no room in my life. But more than that, I learned to accept my deeper needs and to listen to them more. Like deciding that I need some time alone sometimes to nourish my soul.

Now, when it comes to business, our intuition will speak to us very often, too.

I was raised believing that yes was the only word that mattered in business, and that any customer or client was a good one who you needed to cherish. Over the years, this belief has caused me quite a lot of trouble, stress, and heartache. By listening to my intuition more, especially when it told me not to engage with a particular client or project, I’ve realised how powerful and important ‘No’ is in business.

So, there too, I learned to say ‘no’ more often than ‘yes’.

The result? A better bottom line, happier clients, and a more productive team. Because when you get to pick who you work with, business simply becomes better.

But now, how to listen to your intuition? And how to say no?

#1 Be open to listening to what your intuition is trying to tell you

Try to schedule time with yourself and listen. And when you have a decision to make, or you feel that something bothers you, or even in any other situation in your life… before acting, try to really feel into the moment. And ask yourself: What do I really want? How do I really feel about this? I promise, if you keep at it, your intuition will speak to you.

#2 Practice on the small things first

Rekindling your intuition, and following its lead, is not something that happens overnight. You must practice and be willing to keep listening to the deeper parts of you and what they need to tell you. And when your intuition first shows up after a long time, it can be scary, and you might not be sure you can trust yourself. So it’s okay to start small. Maybe you told yourself you needed to do something today, but in listening to your intuition, you know you should actually be doing something else instead. So do that. And once you feel comfortable and trust your intuition more, you can follow it more and more.

#3 Let me get back to you on that

Saying no is not easy. It requires a lot of strength and courage sometimes, and asks us to confront instead of comply. And that is difficult for everyone, but especially for us women, who were raised to be good girls. But your intuition will become very loud and very clear about your boundaries at some point, and when that happens, you’ll need to learn to say no. To ease you into it, here’s a trick that works miracles almost every time. When someone asks something of you, or in any other situation where you know you should say no, start by saying: “let me get back to you on that”. You’ll win precious time to prepare your ‘no’, and in many cases that will be enough to let the request vanish on its own.

I used to long for the days of my childhood when intuition and instinct came naturally to me, and for the ease of living this allowed. But I don’t long for it anymore, because I know that I still have both inside of me. I just needed to listen more closely to them, and to trust my intuition and my instincts more again. And by doing this, I’ve transformed my life. And given myself a sense of freedom in the world, and connected to it, in a way that I hadn’t felt in decades.

And so can you.

Your success doesn’t just depend on you: how to embrace collaboration to uplift your life & business

My career started almost 20 years ago. Throughout the years, I’ve had to collaborate with a massive amount of people, and yet, until a few years ago I don’t think I really ever collaborated with anyone. Born and raised in a top-down and left-brain society, I learned to mimic business behaviour and ritual from the – mostly masculine – examples I had in my life (my dad and the men in my family or close vicinity) and in the media (the men in movies, television shows, and magazines). Add to this that – like so many other women – I was raised to compete for attention and love by being “a good girl” and by “behaving myself”, so much so that working with others, especially women, has always been at least a tiny bit ambiguous.

My point is: when you’re taught to compete for attention, it’s hard to work together.

As a result, for years I thought I was being super flexible and collaborative, while in fact I was mistaking a widely-spread form of unspoken and patronizing control for what collaboration really is: I called the shots and pretty much directed everything. In an effort to avoid anyone making any kind of mistake – or in an effort to always be in control – I was micromanaging everything and reviewing every step anyone was taking under my supervision. It was terrible, for sure, and it definitely wasn’t collaboration!

And it left me miserable, and stressed, and unhappy, and resentful. Not only in my businesses, but also in my private life, where I was doing the same thing with the people who mattered most to me.

At its heart, collaboration requires you to share: ideas, work, responsibility but also recognition. It asks you not to put yourself above anyone else, but on the contrary to recognize the uniqueness and strength of those you collaborate with.

And it’s only in the past few years that I’ve really learned how to do that fully. To do this, I’ve had to tap into my right-brain potential and to let go of always needing to be in control. And yes, it was scary, but what I gained massively outweighed any fear that I could have had. Because real collaboration – at least, that’s how I see it – starts with a common wish to create something together, and recognizes that doing so brings everyone’s strengths and uniqueness to the table. Only then can we craft and build truly beautiful things.

In my businesses, allowing collaboration to really flourish has done many things for me. As a business owner (and a person!), it has made me happier, less stressed, and less busy. When you share the heart of what you’re doing as well as the workload, and the responsibilities with others – which is what you do when you really collaborate – more free time is a really nice side-effect.

But collaboration has also been instrumental in the growth and success of my businesses.

For more than a decade, I did everything myself. Even if I had people around me, I always put everything on me. And the reason I did that was because I thought I needed to be perfect, and always in control. I wanted to be appreciated, and loved. And I thought I could only do that if I was successful, and able to handle whatever came my way on my own. But I was wrong. Trying to control everything kept my businesses small, and me on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I worked day and night, but still there weren’t enough hours in the day to keep up with the pace of growth my businesses were taking. It’s only when I accepted the need to collaborate that things really changed.

The same is true in my private life, and especially with my partner. For a very long time, I thought I was the one that had to keep the partnership alive and going, and that the only way to do this was to control everything. Again, I was wrong. Partnerships – just like collaborative groups – are things you enter into with equal rights and capabilities.

In 2015, I really went all in on the collaborative side. I decided to trust my husband more, and to lean on him for a change. And the results have been grandiose to say the least. We’re a team now, in the most heart-warming sense of the word. We share, and learn, and grow together. A bit like what I’ve done in my businesses this year, too – witnessing them really flourish by taking the collaborative approach one step further and allowing my team to really help me bring their uniqueness in and share the burden of responsibilities with me.

But collaboration isn’t always easy. It takes practice and skill, and is something you have to learn. So let me share with you the 3 main things that have allowed me to profit so much from wholehearted collaboration:

#1: Understanding that collaboration is the only way.

The wired world we live in today is literally changing the way we work, make money, and run our businesses. Top-down functioning is over. Left-brain thinking needs help. People are aching to share their knowledge, passion, and purpose. Not only to create beautiful things on a small scale, but also to fix things on a bigger one. Collaboration in your private life, and in your career or business will serve you well, I have no doubt. But collaboration on an even bigger scale is what we are witnessing today too. And we are being called to participate: to protect, nurture and to give back to the planet, and everyone on it who needs our help.

#2: Collaboration is not a threat.

Many high-achieving and ambitious women, when they think about collaboration, will think about competition too. And competition in itself holds a threatening element to it. I believe that, because women are raised to be “good girls” and to “behave” for the love and attention of their parents (I’m no exception), working together has always been an issue for many us. And that’s sad. Because there’s nothing more beautiful than women who collaborate with one another. It’s not something to be scared off, but to strive for!

#3: Every woman is a leader.

Wholehearted and feminine collaboration asks every woman to step up into their leadership role and to be fully present and in their power. It doesn’t matter how big or small your platform is, what matters is how you use your voice, what you do with your strengths, and the kind of mark you leave on yourself, those around you and the world at large.

So you see how embracing collaboration can uplift your life and business. But there is more…

I believe that women leading the way to a new way of collaboration already is and will continue to lead the way to a new economy, and eventually to a new way of being in the world where love, compassion, and nurture will be at the heart of everything we do as a species.

Or at least, that is my hope and wish for the future.

What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

I’ve been spending a lot of time creating content for my popular Dream Bigger Goal Setting Program. While I was working on a unique daily planner yesterday (something special I’m putting together for the incredible humans enrolled in the program), I added a question in the introduction section of the planner that I love asking my clients and students.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?

The answers to that question are often out of the ordinary. When asked, some clients or students tell me they would simply aim for small changes in their lives, while others would go after big dreams. Although everyone has their own personal focus, and most answers are different, there are some things that are true for almost everyone. If they weren’t afraid to fail…

They would all gain confidence and believe in themselves

Knowing that you cannot fail takes away the fear, full-stop. It’s that simple. And, the consequences are pretty amazing. All of a sudden, things that look daring and big and unattainable become normal and totally doable, and you have no doubt that they are meant for you — and that you can and will indeed have what it is that you want.

Their goals wouldn’t really change, but they would jump more easily to achieve them

Almost none of my students or clients ever decide to go for other goals and dreams, rather than the ones they had already set for themselves. The big difference is that they believe that, if they cannot fail, they can go for them faster, without being so careful and without weighing all the options so much. And why not, right? When something is a sure thing, there’s no point in waiting – or being cautious for that matter!

They are all at least a little afraid

And who wouldn’t be, when working on their goals and designing the life they want? It would be so great to know that we cannot fail, but unfortunately we cannot escape uncertainty. And because the outcomes of our efforts is uncertain, and sometimes what we undertake asks so much of us (time, energy, commitment, effort, sacrifice… to name a few), it’s absolutely normal to have fears and moments of doubt.

I’ve become an avid goal-setting and dream pursuer, and I’ve been in business for more than 20 years. Still, I have doubts and fears, and moments when I’m not sure anymore, or times when uncertainty creeps up on me when I expect it the least. And I’m sure you do, too.

But, my guess is that when it comes to your big goals and dreams, most of all you’re afraid to fail. You’re looking at that big mountain in front of you, and you wonder: what if I don’t make it? What if I don’t succeed?

1. Learn to live your life fearlessly

If you know my personal story, you know I’ve had my share of fears over the years, but at some point I decided I wouldn’t let them rule my life anymore.

Now, I’m not here to say you need to live your life without fear, but I am saying you need to live it fearlessly! Fear is an ancient and primal emotion that has allowed the human race to survive. As such, it’s a powerful emotion. It has protected us from the unsafe and the unpredictable for centuries, and it has allowed us to thrive.

2. Take note of your flight reflex

But while we’ve evolved, this raw protective instinct of fight or flight did not. And while there might have been a lot of fighting in earlier times, when fear shows up today, we mostly want to run away.

• Like when we know we need to have “the conversation” with someone we care about, but we would rather do anything but.

• Or when we’re undertaking a big dream and things are not going the way we want them to. We expect a certain result (maybe some sales numbers in your business, or validation for your expertise, or recognition as an artist), but something else happens. With a lot of us — I’m no exception, believe me — when that happens, we would love nothing more than to run away from it all. There’s that flight instinct again!

And yes, you’ve got it right, this flight reflex is very present in our lives. More than you’re aware of, I’m sure. Take note of your reactions to situations for a few days, and you’ll get what I mean. It’s everywhere.

But what’s important to understand is that your fear is not against you. It’s just terribly overprotective (and really loves to run too).

3. Embrace your fears, and do it anyway

Elizabeth Gilbert calls this emotion “Grandfather Fear”. She says to it: “I know you’re scared because I’m going to expansively do something with an uncertain outcome, but we’re going to do it anyway.“

So when fear shows up, don’t take flight. But instead, think about what you would do if you weren’t afraid to fail. Then use that knowledge and confidence to do it anyway.

And when things get tough, remind yourself that being courageous is not being without fear, but rather believing deeply that your happiness lies on the other – fearless side – of life.

How to get over impatience when setting or achieving goals

I was recently asked what I do to overcome impatience when I’m working on my goals or in the process of achieving them. Because keeping at it for a year – as I do and as I teach, encourage and guide my students to do in my goal-setting program – can certainly leave you feeling impatient at times.

The first thing that I want to address about this question is the concept of impatience. I consider myself to be a rather patient person, and yet, especially when my goals are concerned, that’s not always the side of me that shows up.

And what’s more, I know I am bound to experience impatience at one moment or another this year, and so are you. Just like we’ll all experience uncertainty, fear, insecurity, and perhaps even despair when it comes to achieving our most precious goals.

When you are actively designing your life – which is precisely what you do when you decide to set goals and work towards them – you will need reassurance sometimes that things will work out, and you’ll want things to move faster than they are – I can promise you that much.

Although we’re pretty good at delayed gratification, and although being able to wait for what it is that we want has been one of the key elements for our success as a species, sometimes we simply need to see the rewards of all of our hard work. And to see it now! But isn’t that normal? I mean, when you put a lot of time and effort into something, don’t you want to see results? Of course you do, delayed gratification or not!

So when it happens to you, don’t worry about it or be ashamed of it or to try and dismiss it. On the contrary, when you feel impatient, allow that emotion to exist and flow through you, so that it can pass. And once it does, get back to work.

The second thing I want you to consider is the many sources from which impatience can arise. It might be that the goal you are working towards is necessary for you to get out of a situation that you don’t to be in, like when you start a new business and you’re still working a day job until it’s profitable enough for you to quit.

Or it might be that impatience comes from the people around you, who don’t believe in you. And you want nothing more than to show those people how wrong they are, and how great you’re doing with your goals!

Or it might be that you have doubts and fears, and when results are not what you expect them to be, you start to worry.

In all these cases – and many more, I’m sure – impatience can set in. But when that happens, it’s important to remember the big picture: your end goal.

A great way to do this is to do a review of how far you’ve already come. The reason this helps is because, when we are looking to see results, we’re often so focused on the big stuff that we forget all the little steps we’ve taken already. A big result is often the end product of a long series of very small results. So make a list, recount all the things you’ve already achieved, and all that you’ve done, and remember that list or go back to it when you feel impatience creeping up on you.

Another thing you can do when impatience sets in is do something that you know will show immediate results. Be unreasonable with your goal for once, step away from your plan, and instead of taking another small step, take a bold one this time. This does not mean that you have to quit the day job, but perhaps there’s something that you can do for your goal that you know will have a big impact. Like when you’ve been contemplating to paint that room in your favorite color, but you’re still figuring out what that color is, exactly. Instead of focusing on color, why don’t you clean out the room and get it ready to be painted?

Or maybe there’s something you’ve been scared to do, or been thinking about but feel it’s too soon. Like sharing your big goal with someone, and telling them your vision so that they can dream of it with you. Whatever the case, I invite you to just do it. Calling in results like this will counteract your feelings of impatience – even if it’s not the end point of the goal itself, at least it will be an undeniable milestone that will bring your impatience to rest.

And, finally, it might be that you simply need a break. And maybe you have to do nothing for once, or sit in front of the TV and watch a movie for a while. Sometimes we need fresh air and a change of scenery for impatience to go away. Or we need to get it sidetracked by doing something entirely different. So if you know this is the case with you, take a rest and show yourself some love. After that, you’ll be less impatient and more energized, so that you can get working on your goals again.

But whatever the case, I choose to see impatience as a sign that I’m in action. And when I’m able to remember that, I feel good and proud, even when I have fears or doubts or when I’m not sure about my goals at all anymore.

Because by being in action, I’m the designer of my life, the captain of my ship, and despite impatience, I know I need that to be happy.

Ready to take action too? Why not start with a free 30-minute coaching session? I can’t wait to dream with you!

How to forgive yourself for making mistakes

During a coaching call this week, a client asked an important question about mistakes. We were tackling the subject of self-love and how important it is to remain your own best friend and to be caring for yourself, especially when you are working towards your goals. And that made her think of how terrible she feels when she makes mistakes, and how hard it is for her to forgive herself for them, let alone love herself through them.

I feel that this is such a widespread issue, and one surrounded by a lot of shame, so that I need to write about it, and provide you with the perspective that I gave her. I believe we don’t talk about our mistakes nearly enough. And when we do, we always do so in a very negative way. But who can blame us?

We’ve been thought to feel ashamed for our mistakes and to feel bad for making them. As if there’s a state in which we could exist that would be mistake-free.

But feeling bad for making mistakes is nothing more than another illusory state our society has thought up for us to aspire to: like being a size zero, or being able to have both a perfect career and a perfect family with perfect kids, and be happy all the time about it, too… or like, in this case, living a totally mistake-free existence. It’s just not possible.

But just because perfection isn’t possible doesn’t mean we have to dread our mistakes or feel ashamed of them. Not always. Making mistakes can be a good thing sometimes, and a necessary step towards new skills, or new knowledge, or even new perspectives about things. And even when the mistakes have rather negative consequences, like losing a significant amount of money due to a bad business decision or hurting other people because of something that we did, they’re usually not as bad as we make them out to be.

So, here are a few things to consider when you’re beating yourself up about a mistake you made.

Ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? Very often, we play catastrophe scenarios in our heads when we’ve made a mistake. What is everyone going to think about us? How are we going to survive it? These are just a few of the things that our inner critic loves to throw at us when we’ve made a mistake. And that’s why it’s so important to stop for a minute and take a breather. And ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? In most cases, you’ll realize that what your inner critic is telling you comes straight out of a sci-fi movie, and that the consequences of your mistake are really not what you make them out to be.

People really don’t think about you that much. Our inner critic really loves to be in the spotlight. That is why she makes us believe that other people are always talking and thinking about us. Truth be told, they aren’t. They have their own lives, their own problems, and most certainly their own mistakes to deal with before they have time to think about us. Remember this when you think the world is going to end and someone is never going to forgive you for what you did. Chances are, they’ve already almost forgotten about it.

Making mistakes mean you are in action. I love to tell my clients to cheer for their mistakes, because those mistakes are a living proof that my clients are in action. And I’ll take action over inaction every single day. Try to use mistakes as a positive reminder of you working towards something, and trying to achieve things. You’ll feel better about them instantly, I promise.

Making mistakes simply means you’re human. Making mistakes doesn’t only mean you’re in action; it also means you’re human. And how beautiful is that? The human experience has many colors and shades, and making mistakes is part of that. It’s a reminder that life is fragile, that goals are worth pursuing, and that the journey you’re on means something to you.

By embracing your mistakes as a part of who you are, you’ll be able to deal with them much better, forgive yourself for making them, and love yourself through them. Because mistakes are not just something to avoid.

Of course, we hope we won’t make many and that, if we do, the consequences will be limited. But making mistakes is part of the game of life and business, and if you’re not making any, that means you’re not playing. It’s just like with the omelet; don’t be afraid to break some eggs.

How to love yourself more by letting go and being vulnerable

I’ve been thinking about giving and receiving a lot lately. Now that the holidays are approaching, and gifts and giving are all that shopping malls and adverts care to talk about, I’ve been wondering about what it means to really give – but most of all, what it means to really receive.

Because I believe that receiving, although it’s not easy, and although most of us are really not that good at it, teaches us how to love ourselves by asking us to let go and be vulnerable.

I’ve always been a giver. I think it’s part of my nature to give, for sure. But I also think that it’s a result of my upbringing and life experiences. Growing up, I wasn’t exposed to a lot of receiving. Giving was the word of the day back then, where I was expected to give by not complaining, by accepting circumstances, by forgetting unhappy experiences, and more generally by not receiving anything from the heart or that really mattered, except for the necessary food, shelter and clothes. As a result, giving became second nature, while receiving was so rare and uncommon that I grew out of knowing how to do it.

By not knowing how to receive, I didn’t really know how to love and be loved either. I became so good at giving, and it became such a big part of me, that I started associating giving with caring, and eventually with love. And somewhere through that process, I started giving so much that I lost the ability to love myself, too.

Then, because receiving had become so uncommon in my life, I started to rebel against it. When someone would give me something, I would feel so uncomfortable that I would try my hardest to avoid any situation that would force me to accept anything. This continued for a very long time, until I realized that giving had become a way of being for me – the only way I knew how to be seen and feel valued. Because I found that recognition through giving, the act became much more than simple gift-giving. I loved not to owe anything to anyone, but to be the one that was giving instead. And that also meant that I loved to be the one to care for others, and yet had a very hard time allowing anyone to care for me. Including myself.

When I understood this, something big shifted inside of me. I realized that I had been using giving as a shield to protect myself from getting hurt by not being seen. And I knew that if I wanted to change this, I needed to allow myself to receive. So I started practicing, in the hope that it would help me to learn how to love others, really love them, and eventually how to love and care for myself, too.

At first, it was hard – even starting with little things, like a favor someone wanted to do for me, or something someone offered to help me with. Being in the habit of giving, I felt my “tab” always needed to either be at zero or in my favor. So, having it the other way around was one of the first things I practiced.

Then, when I felt ready, I decided to let go of even more by accepting bigger gifts. Accepting friends who wanted to do something just because they loved me, or someone willing to help me out even if that meant a lot of work, like painting the living room white or coming to get me in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

By allowing myself to receive gifts like that, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and this opened me up for love.

Because when it comes down to it, there simply can be no giving without receiving, as there can be no true love without vulnerability and letting go. And that goes for the love you have for yourself too. And more.